BF in Recovery

Old 08-29-2011, 02:03 PM
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cag
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BF in Recovery

Hi all,I have been with my (now ex) BF for 4 years.On our first date he told me he was a recovering heroin addict and had over 3 years clean,I should have run the other way but I wanted to be open,he was a drug counselor at the time and has been very active in AA. Long story short I caught him using about 3 months ago,and he admited he had been using for about a month.since he has gone to detox and outpatient but later admited it was only to get people off his back so he could continue to use. We broke up and he soon checked himself into inpatient. He seemed as though he was emotionally and mentally ready to get his life back, lots of tears and "i want this so bad". He got out of treatment about 3 weeks ago and a few days later had a beer because "he could not sleep",he is not even a alcohol drinker so I have no idea why he chose to relapse on that,the next week he used crack for two days and had almost two weeks clean and tried to use heroin three nights ago but was unable to hit a vein..he called his AA sponsor to confess then called me to do the same.He swears up and down that this is not the life that he wants,he is in therapy,on subutex,going to AA meetings daily and waiting to hear from another inpatient facility.I really want to believe that he wants to be clean,he is so emotional about it,cries alot and carries so much gulit when he relapses. I dont know what the right way to support him is though,I finally told him after his heroin attempt that I have to wash my hand of it,its too much of a rollercoaster,I can be his friend and rejoice his successes but will no longer be consumed by it (yet here I am joining a forun about it!) Any suggestions on how to be supportive but not very involved,im having a hard time determining good boundries.I am aware that I need to work on codependance that I have...Is it ok to celebrate victories such as when he has 1 week clean we can spend time together then again when he has 2 weeks etc....thanks for listening!!
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Old 08-29-2011, 09:06 PM
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No one just snaps out of addiction. This will likely be his life long battle and likely you only know half of what went on.

This is his battle to fight and none of us get a prize at the end for our supporting roles.

Have you considered working on your own codependency issues? Maybe try a few Alanon Meetings for some face to face time and to know you are not alone.
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Old 08-29-2011, 10:22 PM
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Hi Cag,

Glad you found us here at SoberRecovery. This is a wonderful forum and you will definitely get the support you need and learn a lot from the people here.

As for your ex BF - it seems like he does want to get clean, but as outtolunch said, "No one just snaps out of addiction. This will likely be his life long battle..." If he really is going to therapy, going to AA meetings, seeking guidance from his sponsor, then he is on the right path. But that doesn't mean he won't fall off of the wagon again (as he already has done several times). Addiction is an extremely powerful disease, and he will have to fight his addiction for the rest of his life. Hopefully he will find a program that works for him and will stick with it, but don't expect anything from him. Expectations are just wasted energy, because when our expectations don't get met, it causes us even more emotional pain.

The best thing that you can do for both of you is to not be involved in his recovery at all. This way he can focus solely on his recovery and you can focus solely on yours. He needs to do this for HIMSELF, not because he wants you back in his life. And you should do this for YOURSELF, not because you want to support him. You can support him by letting him go, allowing him to make his own choices, and to suffer his own consequences.

If he calls you for support, tell him to call his sponsor or to go to a meeting. And if that is too difficult for you to do, just don't answer the phone. And in the meantime, look for al-anon and nar-anon meetings in your area, and if you find one nearby, give it a try. Going to meetings gets me through each week - I find the peace and strength I need from meetings as do many others.

There are also al-anon meetings online each day at www.stepchat.com - I attend one every day, and they are wonderful.

Also, here is a link to great article on setting boundaries and consequences - Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self Since I read this article, I have been able to set several boundaries with my addict and to follow through with them as well.

Good luck to you, and if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask.
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Old 08-30-2011, 02:04 PM
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Thank you so much for your replies! I appreciate the article on boundry setting,that is definitly something that I am struggeling with and it helps to understand that they are boundries to respect myself not to nececessarily tell him what I expect of him. So I feel kinda funny asking but if I am to not be a part of his recovery why do Naranon meetings? isnt that making myself involved with his addiction? I get that it is to make myself better informed and self aware for my own good but it is spending time and effort on coping with his addiction ???.And when you suggest having no part of his recovery what has worked best for you? I feel like I would be ignoring it and a huge part of his life when I talk to him if I didn't ask how its going..and really I want to know if he is staying clean or relapsing.Yes I oficially broke up with him a few months ago but we both hope that we can be happy and healthy together one day,I am working on being realistic that that may not happen..I picked up a copy of "Codependant no more" and couldnt set it down last night,it has shown me alot about myself,its hard to admit that I am so codependant,I have really prided myself on being an independent person...lots to work on,thanks again
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Old 08-30-2011, 03:15 PM
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" Is it ok to celebrate victories such as when he has 1 week clean we can spend time together then again when he has 2 weeks etc."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++

He is an adult he is not a child who brings home a school paper with a gold star on it.

If it were me, I'd keep him as an ex, he is not in recovery, he is only bumpin his gums, talkin out of both sides of his mouth.

He knows exactly what he has to do to be in recovery, he is not ready.

Keep reading, it will help you.
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Old 08-30-2011, 03:37 PM
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He's already done both outpatient and inpatient, yet he makes the conscious choice to drink/use.

There isn't anything in a new inpatient that will be vastly different from the last one.

The man has been a drug counselor. He's knowledgeable enough about recovery to be dangerous to himself and others, those he would suck into his disease.

My best suggestion is to step back and watch from a distance. All indications from what you've describe tell me he's still playing with fire.

As a long-term recovering addict myself, I can assure you if someone is serious about recovery, they will go to any lengths to stay clean.
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Old 08-30-2011, 03:49 PM
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Thank you to both of you for your blunt honesty,the things you have said to me are exactly what I have told him,he just is really good at pulling me back in with his tears and the "show" he puts on when I tell him Im at my wits end with this...Im just so used to being able to believe the person that I fell in love with,that was one of the reasons that I fell in love with him in the first place he was so open, honest loving and trustworthy..Im letting myself be fooled by his addict. it is just so weird and confusing,its like someone flipped a switch on him and he is the opposite of who he was when sober...I see glympses of that person when he sobers up a bit and I cant help but want to be there when he comes back,that is if he ever does. I need to come to terms with never getting that person back or maybe at best only getting him back for short periods of time. But then the weak or hopefull person in me wants to believe that he can get it together and we can live happily ever after...I cant imagine giving up on or letting go of my best friend but it seems I need to put some SERIOUS thought into it. Thank you again,your help and input is so much appreciated.
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Old 08-30-2011, 07:38 PM
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ok I never said that I needed him to breath,have a heart beat and live,you might be taking the "blunt honesty" thing to far
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Old 08-31-2011, 06:34 AM
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So I feel kinda funny asking but if I am to not be a part of his recovery why do Naranon meetings? isnt that making myself involved with his addiction?
This is a great question and addresses something that is often very misunderstood.

Many of us initially go to Alanon or Naranon meetings hoping to find the key to getting them clean and sober OR the key to supporting them in their recovery. The meetings are actually not intended to do either of those things.

As people who are often afflicted with codependency, those of us who have been dealing with an addict or alcoholic can become as sick as they are.....sometimes sicker. Alanon and Naranon meetings help us address those behaviors that are devastating to ourselves and certainly aren't productive in coping with the addict in our lives (or just about anyone else for that matter). The meetings are for us.....not for them.

The positive byproduct of going to the meetings and working the steps are:

1. We become aware of our own behaviors.
2. We learn what healthy boundaries are and how to set them and enforce them.
3. We learn skills that can translate to all aspects of our lives.
4. We develop a changed attitude toward ourselves and others.
5. We learn what is within our control and that which is not.
6. We learn to let go of that which we cannot control.
7. We learn to better control that which we can.

Ultimately all of those things translate to better relationships in our lives.....not just with the addict we love......but with everyone we come in contact with.

Another nice byproduct of meetings is that all of those new things we learn just happen to coincide with the things the addict in recovery is learning. Therefore, if we plan on having any kind of relationship with them at all, it has a better chance of being a healthier relationship.

The good news.....if we become healthier people, our chances of having healthier relationships in the future are much better.

gentle hugs
ke

PS - One of the little slogan gems that comes out of meetings is "take what you need and leave the rest". If someone writes anything here on SR that doesn't suit me, I leave it and just take those things that I am ready to accept or apply to my situation. The program has helped me so that my panties seldom get all bunched up anymore! lol
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Old 08-31-2011, 06:52 AM
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...I see glympses of that person when he sobers up a bit and I cant help but want to be there when he comes back,that is if he ever does.
This is exactly what kept me hooked in with my EXAH for 5 long, hellish miserable years.

Those glimpses got to be less and less, yet I hung on.

Today I live in the moment, it is what it is. What I see is what I get, if that makes any sense.

Addicts are supreme manipulators. I certainly was when I was actively using.

Take care of yourself first and foremost. No one else is going to do it for you, dear!

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 08-31-2011, 09:09 AM
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Great response about Nar-anon/Al-anon Kindeyes.

Cag - Programs like Nar-anon and Al-anon are there so that we can help OURSELVES cope with our loved ones addictions and behaviors as well as care for OURSELVES before we care for anyone else. If you go to Nar-anon or Al-anon meetings hoping that it will help you fix your boyfriend, then you will be very disappointed. Do this for YOURSELF. Those meetings are a safe places where you can share what you are really feeling and hear others' stories and experiences with dealing with others' addictions.

I have learned a lot from attending Al-anon meetings - I've learned that my bf's addiction has absolutely nothing to do with his love for me. He is NOT doing this TO ME, he's doing it to himself. And there is nothing that I can do or say that will change him. I learned to let it go and to focus on myself and my own feelings, and I also learned how to deal with my feeling so that I don't react in self-destructive ways. That's what Al-anon has given me.

I hope you understand a bit better now. And if you have any other questions or just want to talk, you can send me a private message.

Sending hugs and strength your way,
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Old 09-02-2011, 11:54 PM
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cag
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Thank you all for your replies and kind words. I think I have already mentioned that I picked up a copy of Codependent no more. I just did my first step tonight and it felt really good and a little bad at the same time. I told the ex that we will not be celebrating his one week of sobriety tomorrow and that he needs alot more than that before we start any celebrations. I also told him that I am focussing on me now and of course it was met with I dont want to be without you,I miss you,I want to grow old together,Im doing everythings I said I would..yada yada..more of him trying to hold me hostage and using guilt to keep me around. But all in all I am feeling pretty good and like a load is begining to be lifted. Thanks for your help,it has made a world of difference
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