thegf

I started dating a man and fell in love, found out soon after that he is a "recovering" alcoholic. I put that in quotations because he went to treatment and has been working on stopping, yet he has fallin off the wagon a few times. I found out last night that he lied and drank again. He confessed and says he feels horrible. My first instinct was to break it off - but I am having difficulty. I want to do what is best for him. I want to protect myself. He has the supportive family, tools, and resources to quit. He tells me he wants to get better so badly, but that it's so hard to grasp because he is so young (22) and wants to do what other men his age are doing. He is frustrated. I am scared. I am willing to stay with him if I can get the guidance and support to know what is ok, and what is not - in other words - I do not want to be an enabler - and I never know if what I'm saying/doing is helping or hurting the issue. I am desperate for answers - my friends all tell me to just move on, too much baggage - that I just feel the need to "fix" people. I am confused. Any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated...thank you...

ButterflyMan

I wouldnt suggest staying with him only to support him. It sounds cruel but ultimately you need to do what is right for you. If you love him and want to help for that reason you need to be aware that it will be very difficult at times. I recently let someone go as I was sober long enough to realise I was ruining their life aswell. First of all, advise him to see his doctor.

There is a dedicated section here for friends and family.

doggonecarl

It's not your job to see that your boyfriend gets and stays recovered. I recommend you visit the Friends and Family forum and read about the turmoil that a relationship with an alcoholic can become:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Post there and I'm sure you'll get a lot of advice about focusing on yourself. Wise advice.

GettingStronger2

If you think you can "fix" him, you are wrong, you cannot. How long have you been together? If he is not sober, my suggestion would be to move on until he is. He is only 22, so i am guessing you are young as well. Enjoy your life.

Anna

I hope you find support for yourself at AlAnon and/or in our Friends & Families area.

Hopefully your b/f will work on his own recovery.

Terminally Unique

Unless you are pouring drinks down his throat, you cannot enable what someone is going to do anyway. You can support him if he wishes to quit, but the burden of change as it pertains to his alcohol consumption lies entirely with him.

You may, however, want to read up on alcoholism in order to get an idea of how it works, so to speak. I recommend the book "Under the Influence" by James R. Milam. It is very concise and informative.

Dee74

Hi thegf

Lots of good advice here.

I think the bottom line is what AlAnon calls the 3 Cs:
we didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we can't control it.

I hope your bf will decide to work on his recovery and that you can find ways to take care of yourself too

Do check out our Family and Friends forums too - lots of experience and support there as well.

Welcome to SR
D

thegf

I cannot begin to thank you all for responding. I've been looking for answers everywhere.
We have not been together long, but his sister has been my best friend for years and we
Have been friends for just as long-we fell in love before I knew he had this disease. I have
Been trying to research it and I will definitely look into that book-we may not end up together
But we will be friends forever and I want to be able to understand and support him. I am 25, so not much older than him but I am already in my career and over the dating/party phase and ready to get serious. Thanks again to everyone, what a wonderful resource...especially for someone who feels like they don't fit in...not a family member or anything...thanks again!

Mark75

My daughter in college somehow ended up dating a young man in recovery. I have spent time with him and like him very much. I, however, would not have wanted that for her. But as I got to know him, I realized that he keeps his recovery to himself and does not let it enter their relationship. He is very strong in his program, yes AA... He does not need or want her to be a part of that. They do nearly everything a young couple does, they have a terrific time together... My daughter is 21 and they often find themselves in situations where there is alcohol, she has a glass of wine, and he, a red bull... LOL

He left his baggage behind, in the steps, and is fully recovered. I trust him. That is saying a lot, I am a proud father and I let her live her life.

If your boyfriend is recovered... He will be doing what other young men are doing, except drink... He will not be frustrated... You will not have to worry about whether or not you say the right thing or not...

The question you may want to ask yourself, is not whether he is alcoholic, but is he a recovered alcoholic. If not, then is he seeking recovery, or is he still feeling sorry for himself? And if he is not, recovered, maybe he is not ready for a healthy, normal relationship.

thegf

I feel he is still seeking it. I feel he is still in the "sorry for himself" and self-absorbed part of recovery. I do not feel he is recovered yet. However, I have a sliver of hope because he wants to, and he was seeking treatment before we even started dating - so that leads me to believe he is doing it for himself. Any other thoughts?

CharlieKelly

My GF left me and it helped me get sober. We were also living together and met when I was sober originally. But then I relapsed and she stuck around for a while but it got bad and she left. It helped me.

Terminally Unique

If my own daughter were in such a situation as yours, I would have only one question for the BF:
If the answer was anything but "NO SIR, NEVER AGAIN," then I would be extremely suspicious, and I would advise her to drop him like a bad habit. "I don't know," "who can predict the future," "we only do this one day at a time," "this is a disease of relapse," "I'll try not to," or any other of a hundred possible variations suggesting further drinking would not cut it in my book.

Mark75

That's funny AVRT, my daughter's boyfriend calls me sir, LOL, maybe that's why I like him so much... Just kidding... I never asked him that, but he did text me on his 4 year sober birthday.

I don't have any more thoughts really. Except two things.... Follow your heart with your head... And let him to his recovery. He will find his own way. I know you know that, but you may need a reminder now and then

A stock answer might be a visit to Alanon... But maybe not until you know he's the one.

Good luck, I wish you all the best.