kbeen

OK, So I am an alcoholic husband and father. I admit it. I am trying not drink. I been "sober" in the scientific sense for a few months now, ever since I decided to stop drinking. Yes, I have had a beer now and then (no more than one a day and three a week on different days), but it was not leading to a second and I have no urge to get drunk. (I know, I know, text-book denial. I admit it at the same time I admit drinking a beer, I feel bad about it enough that I have not been "drunk" for several months.)

She found an empty can in my workspace.

I understand her doubts. I understand there is nothing I can say about it. (Other than - hey look, it is one can not 10. If I was getting trashed why would I throw away all the rest and leave that)

Ever since the beginning (I initiated the alcoholism recovery) I have been begging and pleading my wife (and mother of my 2 year old) to please come and do some therapy sessions with me and work this out as a family. This is what makes her the most upset though. She will swear (literally) up and down at me and my daughter that she has no issues and there is no reason for her to do any kind of therapy.

She just wants to send me off to a rehab center someplace and wash her hands. I am fine to go to rehab. (I don't give a s*** about the alchohol part, A part of me just wants to get away) According to her, though, there is no reason for her to join in this as it is all my issue. (and, again, I do take responsibility because the final decision to drink is mine). She sees nothing involving her anger or relationship issues which are apparent to anyone who knows her dysfunctional, yet likable family.

She wants me to take the drug that will make me violently ill if I drink. While I very very rarely take (other) drugs because I don't know much about them (at least there is a lot of info about alcohol and I know what I am getting myself into) - even only take half my pain killer rations after surgery etc. She wants me to just take the drug without even knowing anything about it, and just clean her hands of it.

I don't want to take the drug, but I am not completely against it - as long as she is also trying to work together with me on the relationship. I don't want it to be a relationship of fear, I want it to be a relationship of trust. I want to be able to tell her "Hey, {her name} I am really feeling like going to get a beer now." Or "Hey, {her name} I am sorry, I had a beer yesterday." - WITHOUT her calling for a divorce every time.

Just FYI, this is my first time offense. I started drinking too much it snuck up on me I tried to quit by myself and it would have worked if the cold-turkey thing didn't cause me to be hospitalized. I am not violent, I have never hurt her, I spend more time with her and my daughter than any other father I know, I love them both, I just can't get her to work on this together with me as a couple.

She has issues too, and that is no excuse for my drinking, but just covering my drinking with drugs is not a solution. I am open and begging to tackle this together.

What can I say do for her? The doctor recommends the drugs "to put her mind at ease". Like I say, I am willing, but I think that is covering up the real issues which I would like to address first or together with the drugs.

Pelican

I'm with the Doctor, if you are willing and the drug will put her mind at ease, swallow your medicine.

If she has an issue with trust,
based your your previous lies about how many drinks you had;
your previous lies about not being drunk - yet;
your previous lies about how much you spent while out drinking, etc.....
then finding one empty beer can is a trigger for her.

It will set her off that the whole damn lying, manipulating, minimizing, cycle is starting again.

If you can set her mind at ease by taking a pill, take the pill.
If you can rebuild trust with her by taking a pill, take the pill.
If you want your words to match your actions of sobriety, take the pill.

I would be looking at your actions at this early point in sobriety. If your words, "I am quitting drinking" are not matching your actions "It was only one beer not 10", then there isn't any truth to your words. I would not trust you, therefore, I would be defensive, distant and damaged.

I think the side effects of taking that pill are a lot less than the side effects of alcohol to your body and your marriage, IMHO.

Salvezza

Hi, I am new here, and don't know why, but I was just online looking for birthday graphics, because it's a friends birthday and I wanted to wish her a happy birthday, but I somehow stumbled onto this website, randomly clicked on number 19, and came upon a forum and this one person was struggling, and I could identify with how she felt. I hope I said something to help her.
So here I am, I became a member, searching for some groups to join, and can't join certain groups until I have like 15 postings..so I'm just looking around the site, and now I have come to your post. It got my attention..
I would like to share a little about my story with you.. if you have the time to read it..
See my dad was an alcoholic, but he's dead now.. it's been over 30 some years ago now..the heartache is still with me, the emotional scars, the tears still come..what can I say? I miss my dad so badly.
I wonder why my dad had to drink.. why he had to die... why didn't he just get help, and get better... why??? WHY??? I guess I'll never know.. here on earth anyway.. But it still breaks my heart, because my family was dysfuntional, a very sad true story... my mother finally had enough and took us kids to live in another state. My dad had got really sick, started having one stroke after the other, and they had him on medication for that, and he wasn't suppose to drink alcohol with it, but he did, and he got worse, he got psychotic, and dangerous, and mom really was scared and afraid he'd hurt us kids, so she had no choice but to leave him...even though she loved him very much. She tried to help him, and get him to get help, but he wouldn't. I'm not saying a pill is the answer my friend to stop drinking, but I know what helped me. Yes, I was on the road to alcoholism..like my dad.. I didn't want to stop at one beer, I think it starts with just not being able to say no.. just like drugs.. you know.. Just say no! Well when you're a person with a problem or problems you have a hard time with saying no, especially when it takes away the pain, and the sadness..at least for a while. It took God helping me... He told me, he was going to mend me.. He said, mend and mend and mend..I felt so broken.. I was so broken, and I think He's still fixing me.. To me there is no other answers.. not a pill to make you quit anyways. I think it takes God helping anyone with a drug or alcohol addiction, or any other problem for that matter.
I have sometimes thought..didn't my dad love me enough to want to quit, to get help... well, I believe he did love me, but perhaps he loved his alcohol more..I can't answer that, but what pain and heartaches it has caused me, and so many other families in the world.
You know we all need God's help in this life, and I just hope my dad went to heaven. I pray I get to see him again, because I sure miss him..
Well I'm tired, sorry, I have sat here and got myself feeling really sad. But I wanted to reach out and help someone if I could.. I do think your wife should be more supportive of you, and I think you're right, a pill isn't going to fix the underlying problems of drinking. But I believe with all my heart, that God can! I hope and pray everything gets better for you and your family. May the Lord bless and keep you, let Him be your guide, and He will be the best friend you could ever possibly find... Take care..

m1k3

Kbeen, there are two sets of overlapping problems here. One is your drinking and the other is her reactions to your drinking. We always tell new people here that when it comes to their A's drinking you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. For her to begin her recovery she needs to get that. She has a lot of anger and scars as results of how she reacted to your drinking. That is why she is reacting the way she is.
The other issue is your continued drinking. Doesn't matter how you paint it you are an alcoholic who is still drinking. Your continued drinking is continuing to feed here problem. Something that would be good for both of you to read is http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-denial.html.

Right now both of you are stuck on this merry go round. Al-anon has a saying that applies here. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Your friend,

Seren

Hello kbeen, Welcome to SR!

I'm so glad to hear that you have been reading the threads here and learning what it is like for those of us who love someone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs. Please do come back and ask questions any time, and we will gladly share our experiences with you.

Trust is difficult to regain once it has been lost. I hope that you will have patience with your wife, and do what you can by showing her with your actions that you are serious about making things better for yourself and for your marriage.

S

Thumper

I am posting from the position of a non-alcoholic that was married to an alcoholic.


A relationship with an alcoholic is a relationship of fear. Many varieties of fear. Trust is destroyed and it takes time to build it back. Trust is built on a history of trustworthy behavior. It isn't based on something you say or promise but on a long history of how you behave. Trust in an alcoholic relationship is below zero. It is a long road up and there are no shortcuts. That is just the reality.

Drinking a beer now and again does not feel like recovery from my angle. I'm not a recovering alcoholic so I can't say what it really is but to me, this spouse of an alcoholic (ex now), it would have (and did) ramp my fear, anxiety, anger, and feelings of hopelessness up sky high. I wouldn't/didn't go to couples counseling either until my husband was in full recovery because there was no point. If he was drinking then alcohol came before me no matter what he said. I know this because his actions proved that over and over and over again. You could certainly get some counseling on your own. We did meet with the counselor together a couple of times and she agreed with me btw. She refused to do marriage counseling until he had an active program of recovery.

What do you hope to accomplish by telling her you feel like getting a beer or had a beer? If you need someone to talk through that urge with, support you in your recovery, be a support in general, then there are AA meetings everywhere with people that understand and will do just that.

If you want her to do something to make sure that doesn't happen, well then you are putting your recovery on her shoulders and she knows it and feels it and wants nothing to do with that...........and I felt the same way. She shouldn't be walking around wondering if she is saying or doing the right thing or being supportive enough. That is a terrible way to live.

You may be right that she is bringing anger and resentment to the relationship. Lord knows I had enough anger and resentment to fuel a rocket. It was dysfunctional. You can't make her go to al-anon or come here. If she knows these things exist all you can do is work your own recovery and be the best person you can be, make the most of your one precious life. That is the advice we give spouse of alcoholics and I think it probably works both ways.

StarCat

The "just one" story is something that we've heard over and over and over again. It is a story you will find in many threads over many years spread across the forum. It's a timeless excuse, a timeless attempt at alcoholic reasoning to pull someone back into the dance with the active alcoholic, and there comes a time when any attempt at using it, true or not, is met with doubt and hurt.

It's the story of the boy who cried wolf. When the wolf was real, nobody believed him, because he had used up that excuse too many times for his own selfish gain.

When trust is lost, it's lost. It won't magically reappear. You can't get it back because you ask for it. Whether she's in recovery or not, this would be the same problem. Trust, once lost, needs to earned back, and the more often it is given and lost again, the harder it is to earn it back that one more time.

Actions are all that matter, in the end, because as far as people like us are concerned, words mean nothing, that single can of beer means far more than all the words in the world could ever say.



Just a few posts about "just one" to show what I'm talking about:

This is from this post, here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2929723
It has a lot of posts about displaying some, and hiding the rest. This is a very common tactic, so its understandable that she doesn't believe that you aren't doing it, either. This is the basis behind the fear, because that one can confirms that the drinking is still occurring, and starts the doubt about how many others are hidden.

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR, kbeen. I understand your frustration from the "other side". And I know its hard to hear that you are a participant in this situation as well. Yes, your wife has her own issues. Yes, that is hard to acknowledge for those of us who feel self-righteously indignant toward the alcoholic (I did...I understand that feeling). I thought for a while that my husband's issues were his and his alone, and darn it if he would just go fix himself all would be well in the world again.

How can we make someone face their issues? We can't. It's theirs own to "own" and address on their own time. You can suggest Al-Anon or other support groups, or marriage counseling with an addictions specialist who can help you as a couple work through this recovery process. But you can't make her do anything.

You can, however, focus on your own recovery and leave her alone for now. Detach from your marriage woes and walk your talk. If you are ready to stop drinking, stop. If you need support for that, go seek it. What she chooses to do with this is none of your business. Take on that attitude, embrace it. Detach with love, but detach nonetheless.

Talk becomes meaningless when there's no action to back it up. Let that be your focus right now. Ignore her outbursts and repeated threats of divorce (if she hasn't done it by now, she mostly likely won't anytime soon) and understand that's her own fear talking.

Congratulations on your decision to seek recovery! There is a better life out there waiting for you. Take good care!
~T

kbeen

Thank you to everyone who replied. I was about to cancel my account after the negative replies, but my faith in the forum is renewed

I thank you for telling me some things she wouldn't/couldn't express to me.

I wanted to get couples counseling, didn't think that it was so important for me to get counseling first as to me this is all one big related mess, but I understand how it is important to make her feel comfortable with my situation first. She did not know I was alcoholic until I told her and until I quit myself, so I am not sure what scars she has (the only time I was really drunk was well after she was asleep) But I will assume she has some.

Thumper asked why I would want to tell her that I want a beer or that I slipped and had a beer. The answer is that she is the only one I have to rely on for anything now, and vice versa. I have and continue to support her as best as I can, and I simply wanted to be able to say "I want a beer" and have her there to say "forget it", or to be able to say to her, my wife, who I have been honest with even up until she started threatening divorce on the grounds that I realized I was alcoholic (which she did not know until I told her) I just wanted to have someone I trust to talk to and help me work out anything I need to work out so that I will not have another one.

I understand that probably most of the the people here have very very very bad experiences and a lot of bad build-up with an alcoholic. I hope I have not done any of that to my wife. That is why I quit on my own and have sought treatment and help. That is why I seek her help as my partner and the only one I really trust.

Still, I like Tuffgirl's answer (only because there is nothing else) I have agreed on multiple occasion to go to some sort of rehab program, but at the last minute she wants me to stay. I concede that I would be doing it more for her mental state than for myself. I would rather work this out with her and do it together, but reading some of the other posts, I guess she is too wounded so that is not an option.

I am looking for affordable rehab facilities tonight. (no insurance)

there is a lot I would like to reply to your comments, but I am still a bit shy

StarCat

I have seen this one mentioned with approval by many of the recovered/recovering alcoholics on this board, and it's free.
The Salvation Army: Adult Rehabilitation


As for your wife, Al-Anon has helped me so much.
I also like that the skills and behaviors I have learned through Al-Anon are applicable in any situation, regardless of whether or not alcohol is involved.

Terminally Unique

Kbeen,

The only thing that your wife wants to hear is that you will never drink again, and what you are going to do towards that end, not that you are drinking less often. Speaking from experience here, I would recommend focusing on that.

wellwisher

I am a recovered alcoholic.

Long story short, I went into recovery through the "back door". I was of the opinion that my drinking was not an issue, and that I had to discuss relationship issues and my past to free me of my "demons" so I could drink more responsibly. I really, honestly believed that life took a big chunk out of me, and that I had to repair myself so I'd be "normal"

I spent almost a year in therapy skirting my own alcohol issue and focused on relationship issues. My drinking progressed, and my anger increased as I tried to focus on those issues, but all it did was get me pumped with anger as I sat drinking and thinking. I felt I was being wronged and a complete victim of people.

Miraculously, therapy started to work ONLY after I gave up drinking. It was about me. My "victimization" was dealt to me by my own hand.

I had to pick myself up by my own bootstraps.

Not to be unkind, but I feel you have to fix yourself before you invite others in. It is the actions, and not the words, that rebuilds relationships.

My best to you and your family.

Tuffgirl

kbeen, for those of us non-alcoholics, the concept of being supportive to alcoholic cravings and such is very difficult. You may be asking too much of your wife right now, especially if you just sprung this on her and she hasn't had a chance to come to terms with what it means.

Sponsors and counselors and other alcoholics who are in recovery are the best source of support for you, and its ok to seek it outside of the marriage. I consider myself truly blessed that my husband is in AA, has a sponsor and a big group of fellow recovering alcoholics for support. And I have my Al-Anon group and sponsor.

Alcoholism is life-changing and scary for those of us "normies", have patience and find support for yourself...if your wife sees you taking the lead, she may choose to follow.

NYCDoglvr

You have a problem that is disrupting the relationship and it's your responsibility to deal with it. Alcoholics have to walk this road alone.

bayness0

I am quite new here also. I have been married to my wife for 17 years and her alcoholism started 7 years ago. Since then we have lost everything and I have done all the usual stuff a partner of an alcoholic does. The only thing we want is the person we loved back. It does not matter if it is 1 or 10, you will soon be back to 10. We tried it, a bottle of wine on a Friday - soon became 2, then became hidden bottles, then the pleas for and Saturday and Sunday etc. - the next thing you know it is back to 5 or even 7 days.

You have to understand it is almost like a game (a very sad game) and we fall back into our role of catching you drinking. Then we become more and more depressed.

In my opinion she should leave you, and she should leave you now. You are in denail.

the best people for advice are the recovering acloholics.

kbeen

I'm not trying to say anything bad here, this is not a flame. This is simply how I feel. I am not in a good place now so it will sound like a rant no matter how I phrase it. Please believe, if you can, that I only have good intentions by writing it.

I am just saying that I'm not liking this "do it alone and count me out" vibe among the people who love alcoholics. I am sure it is tried and tested and that is what it is, but it is really feeling like a stab in the face to me.

I was there for her through everything we/she have been through for ten years. I have supported her and backed her up. I have given up a lot and not taken in return until now.

Now is the time I need help the most, and I am still trying to deal with her issues and now my own at the same time, and all i hear is "Hey dude. This is all on you, you can't expect support from your spouse, you gotta get it rom a stranger in AA".

Bayness, thank you for your reply. I agree, one will probably come to ten. I have never said otherwise. My goal is to stop. I know, I know, "if you want to stop, just stop". It's what my wife tells me before she yells at my daughter that I am F*** looser who has no willpower.

I am not in denial. I am the first to admit and was the first to admit that I have a problem. - I quit myself the first time. With my own will power. I can/will quit what is happening now with the one a week when I am weak thing. I don't want to be drinking this but s*** it is not just something you snap your fingers and it happens SOMETIMES I F* UP. Just like she can't snap her fingers and stop swearing at a two year old. I realize it takes time and effort. I just want her to support me and help me, the same way I do for her with her issues.

This is the only time I have really asked for support from her like this, and the fact that I am pleading for it, to me, means I am not in denial. Asking her for help is the hardest thing I have done in years. If that is denial...

I too have lost everything and I have (before becoming alcoholic and before deciding that I don't want to be alcoholic) done all the usual stuff a partner to someone he loves does. The only thing I want is the person I loved back.

Freedom1990

I did immense damage to those closest to me during my drinking years.

My "support" has come from other recovering alcoholics, those who truly understand me and were not around for the carnage pre-sobriety.

Terminally Unique

kbeen,

I don't believe that you are in denial, but I do know that the desire for support can become a reason to drink in the absence of support. More than a few have used the "I don't have support" excuse to get tanked, and in the end, they end up hurting themselves as much, if not more, than anyone else. I would encourage you to not go down that path, because the results are often not pretty. My advice is always to quit first, and to subsequently deal with "issues" with a clear head.

LaTeeDa

I have forgiven my AH (now ex) for the damage to our marriage and our life. I didn't forgive him because he "needed" me to. I did it because I needed to.

There is a reason people are telling you to do it alone. Because you have to. It's not an opinion, it's a fact. It's your problem, not hers. Putting responsibility on her to "help" you solve it is not only unfair to her, it's dishonest of you.

There is no doubt she likely has problems of her own to solve. And it is probably in her mind that you are the cause of them, which is also not true. But, you have no control over her problems. Just as she has no control over yours.

Addiction is not something to be worked through as a couple. Addiction is something the addict must address before he/she can even be part of a couple.

L

Kimmieh

The hardest part for me as someone living with an alcoholic is the constant fear of him getting drunk. It seems like you are under the impression that alcoholism affects loved ones only when you are drunk, but it affects us 24/7. I never feel safe and my life is never predictable. My ABF quit drinking once for 3 months and I was able to build up some trust again until he had that one beer that you mentioned. It really only takes one beer to destroy all the trust that is so hard to regain and reclaim. As soon as that beer came into the picture, the alcohol was back and the fear as well.

You have to show her through not drinking that you mean it. You have to respect that she is angry at you and tells you that it's your problem. I get really angry, too. When you seek recovery, you have control. When she seeks to help your recovery, she has no control. It's devastating to help and support and be disappointed. This might sound odd to you, but I respect her for not bending over backwards to help you (although calling you a loser in front of your child is not acceptable).