Broke up with my ABF of 6.5 years, feeling miserable
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 3
Broke up with my ABF of 6.5 years, feeling miserable
Hi everyone,
Just yesterday I broke it off with my alcoholic boyfriend of 6 and a half years. It was/is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life and I am utterly miserable now.
I'm miserable because I still love him with all of my heart and I care about him so much. But I just couldn't be with him any longer, he has broken my trust and hurt me so many times that I know I need to look after and focus on myself for once.
It's so hard because last night he just kept calling me and having a go at me, telling me that it must be so easy for me and basically that I don't care about him at all and how could I do this to him at a time when he is trying so hard (he is going to AA however just last week he decided to drink and tried to lie to me about it again and I guess that was my enough is enough moment).
I feel guilty and feel like such a terrible person, he is making me feel like I am letting him down and not being there for him.
I guess I am just writing to hopefully get some advice on how to cope with this roller coaster of emotions, I just don't know what to do.
Thank you for reading, I know this is the right thing for me to do, but it is just so so hard and I wish he understood that.
Just yesterday I broke it off with my alcoholic boyfriend of 6 and a half years. It was/is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life and I am utterly miserable now.
I'm miserable because I still love him with all of my heart and I care about him so much. But I just couldn't be with him any longer, he has broken my trust and hurt me so many times that I know I need to look after and focus on myself for once.
It's so hard because last night he just kept calling me and having a go at me, telling me that it must be so easy for me and basically that I don't care about him at all and how could I do this to him at a time when he is trying so hard (he is going to AA however just last week he decided to drink and tried to lie to me about it again and I guess that was my enough is enough moment).
I feel guilty and feel like such a terrible person, he is making me feel like I am letting him down and not being there for him.
I guess I am just writing to hopefully get some advice on how to cope with this roller coaster of emotions, I just don't know what to do.
Thank you for reading, I know this is the right thing for me to do, but it is just so so hard and I wish he understood that.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by 21CJ 
It's so hard because last night he just kept calling me and having a go at me, telling me that it must be so easy for me and basically that I don't care about him at all and how could I do this to him at a time when he is trying so hard (he is going to AA however just last week he decided to drink and tried to lie to me about it again and I guess that was my enough is enough moment).
I feel guilty and feel like such a terrible person, he is making me feel like I am letting him down and not being there for him.
I feel guilty and feel like such a terrible person, he is making me feel like I am letting him down and not being there for him.
Trust your own instincts.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Welcome to SR 
21CJ
I am glad you joined this site but sorry because of the circumstances.
We all get you here.
I also left a XABF and it was indeed the most difficult, saddest, heart breaking time of my life. This was 3 years ago.
I know it does not feel like it, but it does get better, and you definitely did the best choice for yourself, to keep your sanity.
I am glad you are placing yourself first now.
These articles have helped me:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
Alanon meetings, counseling, reading the "Stickies" at the top of the forum, has helped me/ helped others.
You are NOT alone. You've found a wise, wonderful pack of friends here.
Keep reading and posting.
None of what he has said or done, was your fault.
3 Cs
You can't cure him
You can't control him
You didn't cause it
((Hugs))
21CJI am glad you joined this site but sorry because of the circumstances.
We all get you here.
I also left a XABF and it was indeed the most difficult, saddest, heart breaking time of my life. This was 3 years ago.
I know it does not feel like it, but it does get better, and you definitely did the best choice for yourself, to keep your sanity.
I am glad you are placing yourself first now.
These articles have helped me:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
Alanon meetings, counseling, reading the "Stickies" at the top of the forum, has helped me/ helped others.
You are NOT alone. You've found a wise, wonderful pack of friends here.
Keep reading and posting.
None of what he has said or done, was your fault.
3 Cs
You can't cure him
You can't control him
You didn't cause it
((Hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Stay strong and know that it will get better! Getting off the alcoholic crazy train is much harder than a normal breakup and as humans it is always very difficult to break up any long term love affair... the range of emotions and even chemical reactions in our brains makes it a very, very hard and difficult path.
The best way to avoid the manipulations of an ex A is to go no contact and stay focused on you and your own recovery... put some space between you and get directly involved with a recovery group.
The best way to avoid the manipulations of an ex A is to go no contact and stay focused on you and your own recovery... put some space between you and get directly involved with a recovery group.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
21CJ, DO NOT TAKE HIS CALLS!!!!!! You have made a decision to go forward in your life. You cannot go forward if you keep allowing him to manipulate. There is absolutely no benefit for you to subject yourself to his rants.
You see, right now it is all about him, and he is trying to regain control of you and the situation. He is partially correct. It is HIS recovery. He has to own it. There is not a damn thing you can do for him.
I got off the rollercoaster three months ago. Had to go no contact for my own sanity. You are not a terrible person, you are not abandoning him in his time of need. Do not let him suck you into believing this BS. You can't fix him, he has to do this for himself.
I know this is a painful time for you. With time it does get easier. In the meantime be good to you. Reconnect with friends, spend time doing the things you really enjoy. We are powerless over this disease, but we so many choices regarding our own lives.
Alcoholics take hostages, that is not the definiton of a healthy relationship. Keep reading and posting...........All my best to you..........
You see, right now it is all about him, and he is trying to regain control of you and the situation. He is partially correct. It is HIS recovery. He has to own it. There is not a damn thing you can do for him.
I got off the rollercoaster three months ago. Had to go no contact for my own sanity. You are not a terrible person, you are not abandoning him in his time of need. Do not let him suck you into believing this BS. You can't fix him, he has to do this for himself.
I know this is a painful time for you. With time it does get easier. In the meantime be good to you. Reconnect with friends, spend time doing the things you really enjoy. We are powerless over this disease, but we so many choices regarding our own lives.
Alcoholics take hostages, that is not the definiton of a healthy relationship. Keep reading and posting...........All my best to you..........
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
Posts: 143
21CJ
I went through the same thing with my XABF. Every time he would give me the its-so-easy-for-you song and dance I would take him back. It got worse, and worse, and worse until I finally had to get off the crazy train. Changing my cell number so he cannot send me texts was the best thing I did for my own sanity. Don't look at his messages and don't fall into the abyss (like I did too many times).
I went through the same thing with my XABF. Every time he would give me the its-so-easy-for-you song and dance I would take him back. It got worse, and worse, and worse until I finally had to get off the crazy train. Changing my cell number so he cannot send me texts was the best thing I did for my own sanity. Don't look at his messages and don't fall into the abyss (like I did too many times).
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