Sloane

Hello Everyone:

I just joined but have gotten so much support and comfort from SR over the past months - so thank you all.

I hate where I am at right now but it feels like an inescapable prison. I am a mess and I know I need to quit drinking and quit benzodiazepines. My memory is awful, my relationships with my husband and daughter are really compromised (my daughter is too young -6- to understand a lot, but definitely is affected).

About one month ago I went 5 days sober from alcohol, but ended up crying at work with extreme anxiety and feelings of impending doom. I have been at my job less than six months so I’m not sure my supervisor will be as understanding with any future episodes of this type of behavior.

Three years ago, I went into detox mainly for prescription opiate abuse, but I was also alcohol and benzo dependent at that time. I was taken off of everything in 10 days, and then went from inpatient to a partial program where I lasted three days. I was a mess; anxiety that had me curled into a ball in my closet, significant cognitive difficulties, nonstop crying, difficulty walking, taking more than two hours to shower and dress, and on and on. I was going to AA meetings during this time but had significant paranoia (hence, don't have good feelings about AA). No one in this highly regarded program ever spoke to my husband or me about PAWS.

I started drinking again, slowly, on day 18. Fast forward to now. Frequent vodka binges, day or two sober, then beer or wine, then back to vodka.

I could continue on to a lengthier post where I come to my own conclusions about how to proceed, but if anything, I have come to realize I am not the expert. Any feedback and/or advice on how to proceed would in advance, be greatly appreciated.

Oh, and if anyone has a magic wand, I would like my marriage to remain intact and smooth sailing, my daughter not to see extreme mood swings, and my work to be clueless....

Anna

Hi Sloane,

Oh yes, I remember wishing for the magic wand too. It's awful to feel so out of control and unable to focus on anything but drinking.

I don't know if any of us are experts in recovery, but I think you will find lots of support here. I have used books and SR to help me in my recovery. I think it's so important to know that you're not alone in this journey and coming here every day has always inspired me.

sugarbear1

Our inpatient programs run 30-120 days. Then a person is enrolled in an outpatient program another 6-18 or even 24 months. Change takes time. 3 days of meetings is a drop in the bucket. Why not re-enroll in a program? 10 days isn't sober, it's just 10 days, barely even clean. Please get the help you need as your way doesn't seem to be helping. Call your doctor!

Dee74

Welcome to SR Sloane

No magic wands here...but a lot of encouragement support and advice

D

recoverywfaith

to SR.

saphira

Welcome! I know it's hard to get sober... we've all been where you are. You can do it, though! SR is a wonderful site and has given me so much support. Keep reading and posting!! Best of luck...

CaiHong

I feel so sad for you. IMHO I agree with suagarbear1, you need help and it sounds like that means a place where you can heal yourselves without any of the added pressures of work or family.
This is not always easy emotionally or financially, I hope it is in your case to take that help.
All my best wishes
CaiHong

Sloane

Thanks to everyone for all of the welcome and support; Caihong, deep down I know you are right. I just am not there yet, and I do not think I could focus on detox/rehab/recovery away from my child. Hence, my (self-imposed) prison.

Sloane

Don't know why I couldn't thank you Sugarbear, 'cept that I'm a bit technologically challenged.

CarolD

Welcome...

Blessings to the 3 of you as you find your way into sobreity

soberlicious

Sloane, you sound so much like me. I had a complete breakdown at the end...the decision to go away was made for me... I did not want to be away from my kids either (just a little older than yours at the time) but I let it get to a point where I didn't get to choose. Being sober is the single greatest gift I have ever given my boys. I thought they weren't that aware of what was going on, but after talking alot about it with them once I got clean, they knew much more than I realized. Sadly, I think they thought all mommies drank every day My behavior was damaging to them as much as it pains me to admit it. Not drinking or using any drugs was the only way to begin to heal that for us. I hope you find your way

FlashNDazzle

Only Harry Potter has the magic wand that shoots lightening...but you DO have magic within you...challenge is to find it. That magic is trying to get out...it led you to your post and like the fictional Harry Potter, you will need training to find your inner magic. You have already seen the outpouring of support and you can draw from us and from the magic you have in your life...especially the magic of a 6 year old daughter. She can make you smile, make you laugh and make you realize that life was meant to be enjoyed clean and sober. Find the magic within you....it is there!

Sloane

Soberlicious and Flashndazzle - I thought I would check in before my daughter gets up. Finding such heartfelt hope and wisdom from you both makes me feel so understood, and makes me hopeful on a Monday morning. My hope is to get to a place where I can offer to another what you have given me. My little girl is awake; off to give her a big hug and hope I don't start crying.

artsoul

Welcome Sloane!
I'm sorry things have been so hard for you. I felt scared and hopeless when I first got here, too.

Mixing two substances is never good..... I would consider seeing a doctor (or an addiction specialist or psychiatrist), especially since you've had so many problems with withdrawal. Lots of us have underlying issues that we need help sorting out - for me it's depression, which I'm currently on anti-d's for.

I'm happy for you that you're seeking solutions/support. It really can get better!