danielleinto

I was doing so well. I've reached the acceptance stage - no serenity but acceptance. 3 days ago I began learning a new relaxation technique - autogenics. It's big in Europe but not here - if anyone wants the link just ask me. It was working great - no headache yesterday for the first time in ages.

Yesterday was my s-i-l's BD and we had a cake and gifts here for him. Idiot husband comes home 1 drink short of staggering drunk. You know that thing people do when they think your'e nuts - the circle at the side of the head - he's doing that to me and saying "coo-coo". The usual beligerance only aimed at me. I just realized that AH also stands for ass h...le. My grand-children were spending the night as my daughter and s.i.l had made a committment to go somewhere. I was trying to figure out a safe way of doing this and I have my daughter telling me she just won't go. I couldn't leave the building as I was on duty here. My other daughter who'd been asked at the last minute to come and babysit at her sister's house calls me crying. She'd really wanted to go to this family event. I've got my great-nieces here for the birthday party - one is covered in hives, the other one has pink eye and the 3rd is a baby who my grand-son doesn't get along with. He's taking tantrums at 4 because he plays with my neighbour's autistic boy who throws tantrums all the time - he's older but at the level emotionally of a 2 year old. I'll be baby-sitting him and my g.s. before and after school this year. So, I'm thinking of what that will be like. I was totally overwhelmed and angry as hell - not showing it because of the kids. Just simmering inside.

I went to bed at 3:30 a.m. last night because when I'm stressed I need to wind down. I'm up at 10:30 a.m but stay there in bed because I can't stand the thought of seeing my husband's face so I get up at 3 p.m.. I've got that hung over feeling from over sleeping and I'm mad.

I've told him that it will take me 1 year to get finances in order and he's leaving. I've been telling him this every 3-4 days for a month. Thing is I've threatened so many time over the years that I don't think he gets it. I tell him it's not anger and that I mean it. I know I'll have to deal with a duh moment on his part when the time comes.

I've been to alanon and it's not for me. I do realize that this is an alanon support group and I'm so thankful that you're here. You truly are my support group with this thing.

Just really pissed and I hate him right now.

marie1960

Gosh Danielleinto,

Living with an active alcoholic was truly stressful. I did not know if I was coming or going. Never knowing if the happy drunk or angry drunk would be coming home. His constant coming home late ( had to stop and have a beer) drove me bonkers. I felt so disrespected and unappreciated. I would tell him dinner is at 6:30, would bust my ass making these recipes, that he would want to try, and he would show up at 8:30, too buzzed up to eat. (or too angry at the world to eat)

All you can do is make a plan, to get yourself to a better place. In the meantime focus on yourself. Do nice things for you. Do not let his alcoholism hijack you. Do not engage in the madness. Towards the end, I could almost sense when he would be arriving in a ugly drunk mood, and I would leave, and not return until I knew he was passed out. How crazy, I had to leave my house, because some drunk was trying to ruin my life.

Life has a certain simplicity to it now, things are returning to normal. I am embracing each day, and I adore the peace and quiet.................. Remember to breathe................. All my best to you.

danielleinto

Hey Marie, thank-you so much for the support. I'm feeling a bit better now. The anger today affected my whole body - back, neck, head. I see you've been there and it's so nice to hear a success story. Funny you mention the breathing - that's exactly what I was doing today - meditation - and it does work. I'm usually good at not letting him get to me but not when there's kids around. I get so angry when I see he's doing this to others - it's that protective instinct. I sure am looking forward to a simple life and peace.

cmc

Hi danielleinto.

I'm sorry you don't care for Al-Anon, I found it to be a lifesavor when I was in the midst of living with and constantly dealing with the consequences of other people's actions.


There are so many resources outside of the 12 step groups and I hope that in addition to coming here you might try to find something that works for you and your family as you live with all the chaos & frustrations that accompany this disease. I'm sure you've already seen our sticky threads but just in case you haven't; there's alot of great info there to help you.

I would also like to remind you that this forum is _not_ in any way affiliated with Al-Anon.


In addition to meetings and counseling, I once attended a series of classes provided for families affected by alcoholism and addiction that was provided by our county government. I think that the most valuable piece of information I received there was to understand that a threat/ultimatum that is not immediately enforced (or actually enforcible)...is worse than doing nothing at all.

I learned that words are not even necessary to do this. I simply act, and continue to act; in a way to protect myself and do whatever it takes for me to be safe and at peace.

I used the word 'simply' only to imply that it is simple and not very complicated but in _no way_ to imply that change was easy. It wasn't, but it was worth it and more than vital to my own well being that I gratefully enjoy today.

I learned in those community classes, in Al-Anon and also from a good counselor; to say what I mean, mean what I say and make sure to follow through by taking the action I had predetermined to do. Anything other than that merely 'teaches' the other person to ignore or disregard what I say or what I mean to do.

I'm always sad to learn of another family living with this disease but am greatly encouraged to know you are reaching out for help & support here at SR on this forum.

It's nice to meet you.