How long did it take?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 62
How long did it take?
7 days into sobriety for my husband! While I'm thrilled, another part of me doubts his commitment to recovery. It's nothing he is saying or doing. It's just hard for me to believe him when I feel that he's been down this road before. The difference this time is that he got a DUI and is facing jail/community service/manditory aa meetings. He's also getting additional pressure from his parents and me. I told him that if he didn't shape up, I was telling him to leave. There is no way I want my kids to learn from his example of drinking himself to death.
I asked him why he was willing to quit now and he told me that he thought he could have both drinking and his family but now knows that he can't. He said that he thought he had ruined everything by losing his job but has now seen that he can lose more. I believe him when he tells me thus, yet I'm still hesitant to totally believe him. My question is, how long did it take you to finally believe that there is commitment to recovery or does that never come?
I asked him why he was willing to quit now and he told me that he thought he could have both drinking and his family but now knows that he can't. He said that he thought he had ruined everything by losing his job but has now seen that he can lose more. I believe him when he tells me thus, yet I'm still hesitant to totally believe him. My question is, how long did it take you to finally believe that there is commitment to recovery or does that never come?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Everybody is different and we each recover at our own pace.
Myself, personally, I started to 'feel' a bit comfortable with my sobriety at about 2 years. Until then I personally felt like I was constantly walking through a MINE FIELD, even though I was and still do work diligently on my recovery.
The early weeks, months, and yes years can be very tenuous. There is a lot an A has to learn about 'new ways of thinking and acting' and at the same time work on clearing out the 'wreckage of our pasts.'
I think the HARDEST for me was learning HOW TO DEAL with EMOTIONS and FEELINGS without my 'friend' King Alcohol. I had absolutely NO CLUE on how to act or react without keeping that toxin flowing in my system.
For me, this is where my AA sponsor and the AA Meetings came in. Lots and lots and lots of meetings, the Fellowship so to speak.
There is no TIMETABLE. There is ongoing progress for the rest of one's life if one is to stay sober.
Yes it has been over 30 years for me now, but there are things I do for me EVERY DAY to keep my mind and my spirit in fit spiritual condition.
One of the 'sayings' in AA is "Progress not perfection." And that progress can be very very slow. Little baby steps.
Now would be a good time for YOU to get some counseling/therapy and/or attend about 6 different Alanon meetings FOR YOU. Take your focus off of him and put it on you.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Myself, personally, I started to 'feel' a bit comfortable with my sobriety at about 2 years. Until then I personally felt like I was constantly walking through a MINE FIELD, even though I was and still do work diligently on my recovery.
The early weeks, months, and yes years can be very tenuous. There is a lot an A has to learn about 'new ways of thinking and acting' and at the same time work on clearing out the 'wreckage of our pasts.'
I think the HARDEST for me was learning HOW TO DEAL with EMOTIONS and FEELINGS without my 'friend' King Alcohol. I had absolutely NO CLUE on how to act or react without keeping that toxin flowing in my system.
For me, this is where my AA sponsor and the AA Meetings came in. Lots and lots and lots of meetings, the Fellowship so to speak.
There is no TIMETABLE. There is ongoing progress for the rest of one's life if one is to stay sober.
Yes it has been over 30 years for me now, but there are things I do for me EVERY DAY to keep my mind and my spirit in fit spiritual condition.
One of the 'sayings' in AA is "Progress not perfection." And that progress can be very very slow. Little baby steps.
Now would be a good time for YOU to get some counseling/therapy and/or attend about 6 different Alanon meetings FOR YOU. Take your focus off of him and put it on you.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
In my humble opinion, it is way too soon to be worrying about the trust isssue.
Seven days does not make for recovery, and especially because he is being mandated to do so. Right now he is scared due to his DUI, when that is overcome, see what he does. Discard his words, watch his actions.
What's the rush to jump back in with both feet?
In the meantime, work on you, get to meetings, read about codependency and go on with the day to day operation of your life.
Seven days does not make for recovery, and especially because he is being mandated to do so. Right now he is scared due to his DUI, when that is overcome, see what he does. Discard his words, watch his actions.
What's the rush to jump back in with both feet?
In the meantime, work on you, get to meetings, read about codependency and go on with the day to day operation of your life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Laurie already said many good things about early recovery.
I know for me, I started feeling some stability about the 2 year mark too. Till then, my emotions were all over the place. That first year I couldn't tell you what I was feeling most of the time because I had medicated those feelings for years and years.
I couldn't make any promises or guarantees as to my future. It was just getting through the day, one day at a time.
It was years before my parents began to relax and believe I was serious, and rightfully so. My track record had been abysmal for years, so why wouldn't it take years to believe in me again?
I can't remember, but are you attending Alanon? Alanon helps us to take our eyes off of the A and get them back on ourselves, and our own program of recovery from the effects of alcoholism.
I can't expect someone else to be putting forth the effort in recovery if I am not willing to do the part in my own recovery.
Get the focus back on you, and start your own healing process. Your happiness is not contingent on what he is/isn't doing. Happiness is an inside job and a byproduct of right living.
I know for me, I started feeling some stability about the 2 year mark too. Till then, my emotions were all over the place. That first year I couldn't tell you what I was feeling most of the time because I had medicated those feelings for years and years.
I couldn't make any promises or guarantees as to my future. It was just getting through the day, one day at a time.
It was years before my parents began to relax and believe I was serious, and rightfully so. My track record had been abysmal for years, so why wouldn't it take years to believe in me again?
I can't remember, but are you attending Alanon? Alanon helps us to take our eyes off of the A and get them back on ourselves, and our own program of recovery from the effects of alcoholism.
I can't expect someone else to be putting forth the effort in recovery if I am not willing to do the part in my own recovery.
Get the focus back on you, and start your own healing process. Your happiness is not contingent on what he is/isn't doing. Happiness is an inside job and a byproduct of right living.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Good advice given.
It is the rare alcoholic that cannot stop drinking when they come to the personal belief that it will benefit them ... a DUI, a hosptal scare, an arrest, a spouse or loved one who takes drastic action to protect themselves can all inspire a few days, a few weeks or even a few months of abstinence. Usually this abstinence is of the white knuckled variety with the alcoholic using strength of will to overcome his desire to drink. It is a daily battle that while it may result in abstinence it does not bring peace, serenity or true happiness as they are fighting the dragon on a daily basis.
Rarely does this type of sobriety last... there is a small percentage of people that do manage to stay sober this way but they are usually miserably unhappy and many are characterized as "dry drunks" .... not drinking but still acting out all of the character defects that have never been dealt with in a true recovery program.
So... your "gut feelings" are most likely correct as statistically the alcoholic will drink again despite their attempt to stop on their own.
The heart of the problem is that the heart of the alcoholic has not really changed ... it is only the circumstances that have inspired the current abstinence from alcohol. His mistress alcohol will keep calling to him from the mists and eventually he will answer her sirens song.... he cannot help it unless he personally wants to quit and is willing to to any lengths including true recovery....
I strongly encourage you to visit alanon meetings... try more than one group to find a fit. Read the stickies at the top and keep visiting as you will find friends here that understand exactly what you are going through...we all have been there!
It is the rare alcoholic that cannot stop drinking when they come to the personal belief that it will benefit them ... a DUI, a hosptal scare, an arrest, a spouse or loved one who takes drastic action to protect themselves can all inspire a few days, a few weeks or even a few months of abstinence. Usually this abstinence is of the white knuckled variety with the alcoholic using strength of will to overcome his desire to drink. It is a daily battle that while it may result in abstinence it does not bring peace, serenity or true happiness as they are fighting the dragon on a daily basis.
Rarely does this type of sobriety last... there is a small percentage of people that do manage to stay sober this way but they are usually miserably unhappy and many are characterized as "dry drunks" .... not drinking but still acting out all of the character defects that have never been dealt with in a true recovery program.
So... your "gut feelings" are most likely correct as statistically the alcoholic will drink again despite their attempt to stop on their own.
The heart of the problem is that the heart of the alcoholic has not really changed ... it is only the circumstances that have inspired the current abstinence from alcohol. His mistress alcohol will keep calling to him from the mists and eventually he will answer her sirens song.... he cannot help it unless he personally wants to quit and is willing to to any lengths including true recovery....
I strongly encourage you to visit alanon meetings... try more than one group to find a fit. Read the stickies at the top and keep visiting as you will find friends here that understand exactly what you are going through...we all have been there!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Great advice here...listen and take heed. Recovery is a journey. A process. It will take time, patience, compassion, empathy, forgiveness and did I say patience?!
Instead of focusing on him and his commitment, turn the focus to you and your commitments. It makes the time go by faster when we are squarely focused on our own lives - making it the best we want it to be.
Instead of focusing on him and his commitment, turn the focus to you and your commitments. It makes the time go by faster when we are squarely focused on our own lives - making it the best we want it to be.
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