OMG I don't know what to do
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 26
OMG I don't know what to do
It is 7:55 am and I have just read a text my daughter sent to her mum last night, she was trying to say good night to her. She sent a text at 00:59 saying
‘Mummy I’m really scared I’ve got a really big worry and it’s really scaring me please help mummy I’m a worrying bug I can’t sleep and Liam’s asleep I’m so scared because I think i might sidewalk Please can you come home it’s been the worst day ever you’ve got to come home right now I never want to stop talking to you so I’m gonna watch Tv all night and cuddle puppy paws all night while I’m awake all night. I’m also scared that I’m gonna have nightmares please help its gotten so bad I can’t sleep. Bye buy, I need the toilet.’
This was a couple of hours and and 7 texts after she started trying to talk to her mum, without response. I don’t know what to do.
We have not told the children bacause she does not want to until I leave the house, I have the conversation about saying something every day. I still want our seperation to be a "good Divorce" for our children's sake. Guess I am living in cloud cuckoo land.
‘Mummy I’m really scared I’ve got a really big worry and it’s really scaring me please help mummy I’m a worrying bug I can’t sleep and Liam’s asleep I’m so scared because I think i might sidewalk Please can you come home it’s been the worst day ever you’ve got to come home right now I never want to stop talking to you so I’m gonna watch Tv all night and cuddle puppy paws all night while I’m awake all night. I’m also scared that I’m gonna have nightmares please help its gotten so bad I can’t sleep. Bye buy, I need the toilet.’
This was a couple of hours and and 7 texts after she started trying to talk to her mum, without response. I don’t know what to do.
We have not told the children bacause she does not want to until I leave the house, I have the conversation about saying something every day. I still want our seperation to be a "good Divorce" for our children's sake. Guess I am living in cloud cuckoo land.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Deep Breaths!
Calm yourself so that you can make rational decisions. I found it helps me to respond to situations by practicing a few deep, cleansing breaths before I fly off and over re-act to the situation.
You did not cause this
You can not control this (or other people)
You will not cure this
It also helps me to repeat the Serenity Prayer, over and over until my mind clears:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and Wisdom to know the difference.
IMHO (in my humble opinion) these are YOUR children, right?
If you as a sober, sane parent feel it is best to let your children know that you and mum are seperating, then do so gently and lovingly.
Why let an active alcoholic convince you that they know what is best for the children?
About the text messages:
Is there a reason your daughter didn't come to you for support?
Is there a legal reason you were reading your wife's text messages?
I, personally, turn my ringer off when I go to bed. (unless my teenagers are out for the night). I have another child (adult) that lives away from home. My adult daughter knows that my phone is off at night. In the event of an emergency, she will call emergency services or call someone else for assistance, or wait until sunrise when I turn the ringer back on. I do this to protect my time for sleep. I do not do this to control or anger anyone else.
I have boundaries to protect my serenity.
I do not want to know what other peoples text say, it is not my business.
I do not want to know what other peoples emails say, it is not my business.
I do not want to know what other people say when I am not present, it is not my business.
Allowing other adults in my life to make their own choices, and mistakes has freed me to focus on my own choices and mistakes. I keep myself pretty busy with my own choices.
Calm yourself so that you can make rational decisions. I found it helps me to respond to situations by practicing a few deep, cleansing breaths before I fly off and over re-act to the situation.
You did not cause this
You can not control this (or other people)
You will not cure this
It also helps me to repeat the Serenity Prayer, over and over until my mind clears:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and Wisdom to know the difference.
IMHO (in my humble opinion) these are YOUR children, right?
If you as a sober, sane parent feel it is best to let your children know that you and mum are seperating, then do so gently and lovingly.
Why let an active alcoholic convince you that they know what is best for the children?
About the text messages:
Is there a reason your daughter didn't come to you for support?
Is there a legal reason you were reading your wife's text messages?
I, personally, turn my ringer off when I go to bed. (unless my teenagers are out for the night). I have another child (adult) that lives away from home. My adult daughter knows that my phone is off at night. In the event of an emergency, she will call emergency services or call someone else for assistance, or wait until sunrise when I turn the ringer back on. I do this to protect my time for sleep. I do not do this to control or anger anyone else.
I have boundaries to protect my serenity.
I do not want to know what other peoples text say, it is not my business.
I do not want to know what other peoples emails say, it is not my business.
I do not want to know what other people say when I am not present, it is not my business.
Allowing other adults in my life to make their own choices, and mistakes has freed me to focus on my own choices and mistakes. I keep myself pretty busy with my own choices.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Pelican - I might be wrong but I think he was reading his daughter's text messages from his daughter's phone.
bayness - how old are your children...and where is their mother? Sorry, just need some clarification.
You sound as if you are in a LOT of pain and I am so very sorry. Pelican is right -- talk to your children let them know what the heck is going on! They are afraid because they don't understand what is happening. Here is a good thread you should read:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2108924
Most of all your kids want to know they are safe. Let them know you will always be there -- no matter what.
bayness - how old are your children...and where is their mother? Sorry, just need some clarification.
You sound as if you are in a LOT of pain and I am so very sorry. Pelican is right -- talk to your children let them know what the heck is going on! They are afraid because they don't understand what is happening. Here is a good thread you should read:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2108924
Most of all your kids want to know they are safe. Let them know you will always be there -- no matter what.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I may have mis-read the original post; if so, I appologize for accusing you of reading your wife's text messages.
I have learned from others that being open and honest with my children (even letting them hear/see me cry) is healthy. I have learned that they have fears and worry when they don't understand what is happening.
I learned that they need reassurance that they are loved, cared for and appreciated. They need reassurance that they are not the reason for relationship problems that the adults are having. The three C's applies to them, also:
They did not cause this
They can not control this
They will not cure this
I also learned to keep it simple and not put adult language and issues into their young minds.
Sending you encouragement and support as you find your way.
I have learned from others that being open and honest with my children (even letting them hear/see me cry) is healthy. I have learned that they have fears and worry when they don't understand what is happening.
I learned that they need reassurance that they are loved, cared for and appreciated. They need reassurance that they are not the reason for relationship problems that the adults are having. The three C's applies to them, also:
They did not cause this
They can not control this
They will not cure this
I also learned to keep it simple and not put adult language and issues into their young minds.
Sending you encouragement and support as you find your way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
I am also confused...
The child is 6 years old and was home with another person (Liam) who was asleep and his mother was not home (out?) or was she asleep and could not be woken? And you are still in the home but were not there either?
As an ACOA I can remember the icy tentacles of fear as a child when my father was rampaging and fear... real or imagined... is debilitating to both children and adults. It sounds like your child is not fearful of your STBXW as I was as a child but was looking for her in particular to calm his fears with her presence. I may not be understanding the situation entirely however...
Your 6 year old is obviously very bright .... his texting reveals that. It is normal for a 6 year olds to have fears but it is the responsibility of parents to teach their children what is to be feared and what is irrational fear.
Is your child fearful rationally or irrationally? Was your child "safe"? Should your child have felt safe and was there an available adult to calm his fears?
I found it to be extremely helpful in my own experience with divorce from my first husband when my children were 6 and an an 1 years old to have worked out my seperation and divorce with the assistance of a child psychologist who counseling with my 6 year old before and after our seperation and subsequent divorce.
Later my child would have nightmares worrying over his father's possible death from his addiction. My children have been greatly affected by their father's addiction and lifes choices... we ALL are! My son had to learn to detach at a young age and his father did not die but instead is dying slowly ... years and years of abuse of drugs has taken a terrible toll on his health.
Your child will be greatly affected by being the child of an alcoholic ... whether you stay with your spouse or divorce. Marriage is temporary but divorce and parenting is forever. How this works out for your children as they try to navigate being children of divorce with a parent who is an alcoholic is a diffucult path for all.
During the children's formative years I chose not to ever speak negatively of their father in their presence... ever! I did however always make sure they were "safe" and at times he only could see them supervised. As he never paid a dime of child support I was able to "control" this aspect but always handled it very fairly.
It was sad watching them lose that child like vision of their daddy as their hero into the reality that he was a very selfish and weak person who they came to pity and love from a distance. They still see him about once a month and talk on the phone but they are not close to him... how can anyone be close to an addict who remains married to their drug of choice?
My kids turned out fine in the end. They are very successful in their careers and wise beyond their years because of their experience with addiction. It did not happen by accident ... seeking the advice of professionals and basing my decisions on the emotional health and well being of my children paid off in breaking the cycle of dysfunctional family addiction.
The child is 6 years old and was home with another person (Liam) who was asleep and his mother was not home (out?) or was she asleep and could not be woken? And you are still in the home but were not there either?
As an ACOA I can remember the icy tentacles of fear as a child when my father was rampaging and fear... real or imagined... is debilitating to both children and adults. It sounds like your child is not fearful of your STBXW as I was as a child but was looking for her in particular to calm his fears with her presence. I may not be understanding the situation entirely however...
Your 6 year old is obviously very bright .... his texting reveals that. It is normal for a 6 year olds to have fears but it is the responsibility of parents to teach their children what is to be feared and what is irrational fear.
Is your child fearful rationally or irrationally? Was your child "safe"? Should your child have felt safe and was there an available adult to calm his fears?
I found it to be extremely helpful in my own experience with divorce from my first husband when my children were 6 and an an 1 years old to have worked out my seperation and divorce with the assistance of a child psychologist who counseling with my 6 year old before and after our seperation and subsequent divorce.
Later my child would have nightmares worrying over his father's possible death from his addiction. My children have been greatly affected by their father's addiction and lifes choices... we ALL are! My son had to learn to detach at a young age and his father did not die but instead is dying slowly ... years and years of abuse of drugs has taken a terrible toll on his health.
Your child will be greatly affected by being the child of an alcoholic ... whether you stay with your spouse or divorce. Marriage is temporary but divorce and parenting is forever. How this works out for your children as they try to navigate being children of divorce with a parent who is an alcoholic is a diffucult path for all.
During the children's formative years I chose not to ever speak negatively of their father in their presence... ever! I did however always make sure they were "safe" and at times he only could see them supervised. As he never paid a dime of child support I was able to "control" this aspect but always handled it very fairly.
It was sad watching them lose that child like vision of their daddy as their hero into the reality that he was a very selfish and weak person who they came to pity and love from a distance. They still see him about once a month and talk on the phone but they are not close to him... how can anyone be close to an addict who remains married to their drug of choice?
My kids turned out fine in the end. They are very successful in their careers and wise beyond their years because of their experience with addiction. It did not happen by accident ... seeking the advice of professionals and basing my decisions on the emotional health and well being of my children paid off in breaking the cycle of dysfunctional family addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 26
Ok, I need to clear some things up. I seem to have confused everybody and I am sorry.
1, my son is now 13 - he was 6 when the drinking started.
As to the incident, last night my wife want and stayed at her frineds house (It is her new boyfriend but she wont admit it).
My daughter texted her 7 times before that text trying to say goodnight and she did not answer. " hours later she sent that text. I was asleep.
She has finally returned from her night out 27 hours later and the first thing she said to me was 'how many of those texts where from you, Liam told me you had the phone'.
Until now I have had a lovely time with my kids, Pitch and putt, home made BLT's for lunch and a trip to the park.
I invited my wife to play pitch and putt as my daughter was missing her, she declined and said she would return when they children where home. I texted her at 12:52 saying we where at home, we went to the park at 3:30, she still was not back.
Everytime she is not here a great weight lifts off me, when she is here is comes straight back down.
BTW my daughter cannot text her because she has taken her phone for the additional free minutes, she has my SIM card also. The only one she has not snatched so far is our sons - mainly because he wont let her.
1, my son is now 13 - he was 6 when the drinking started.
As to the incident, last night my wife want and stayed at her frineds house (It is her new boyfriend but she wont admit it).
My daughter texted her 7 times before that text trying to say goodnight and she did not answer. " hours later she sent that text. I was asleep.
She has finally returned from her night out 27 hours later and the first thing she said to me was 'how many of those texts where from you, Liam told me you had the phone'.
Until now I have had a lovely time with my kids, Pitch and putt, home made BLT's for lunch and a trip to the park.
I invited my wife to play pitch and putt as my daughter was missing her, she declined and said she would return when they children where home. I texted her at 12:52 saying we where at home, we went to the park at 3:30, she still was not back.
Everytime she is not here a great weight lifts off me, when she is here is comes straight back down.
BTW my daughter cannot text her because she has taken her phone for the additional free minutes, she has my SIM card also. The only one she has not snatched so far is our sons - mainly because he wont let her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by bayness0 
Everytime she is not here a great weight lifts off me, when she is here is comes straight back down.
Have you had any conversations with the children in regard to their mother's disease and behavior?
How long do you wish to live this way. You don't need to answer me, just some food for thought.
Sending you hugs of support!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 26
Since the relationship went into meltdown (2 weeks ago) I have been through a multitude of emotions and at one point I really wanted her to stay.
However, today I spent the day with my children (just us) and we had a great time. I was genuinley happy for the first time in so long. I have stopped putting my alch wife at the top of my agenda, and the wierd thing is I did not even realise I was doing it.
I guess we are as frightened of change as they are.
The only real obstacle now is making sure I get custody of the children once that is sorted a new life for me.
I have my first meeting with a Solicitor on Wednesday.
However, today I spent the day with my children (just us) and we had a great time. I was genuinley happy for the first time in so long. I have stopped putting my alch wife at the top of my agenda, and the wierd thing is I did not even realise I was doing it.
I guess we are as frightened of change as they are.
The only real obstacle now is making sure I get custody of the children once that is sorted a new life for me.
I have my first meeting with a Solicitor on Wednesday.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by bayness0
The only real obstacle now is making sure I get custody of the children once that is sorted a new life for me.
I have my first meeting with a Solicitor on Wednesday.
I have my first meeting with a Solicitor on Wednesday.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 26
The depths she will go to.
she just told me that my daughter said that I told her the following
“you need to be daddies little girl now”
I have spent 2 weeks not telling the children anything and she does that. I am just livid.
she just told me that my daughter said that I told her the following
“you need to be daddies little girl now”
I have spent 2 weeks not telling the children anything and she does that. I am just livid.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Bayness,
I am going to divorce my AH. I'm trying hard to keep my children out of the seperation. I have been telling the kids that this is between me and their father and I won't say anything bad about him, etc. I told them they have enough to worry about and that this is not their fault at all.
MY STBXAH told the children what I have done. He told them he wants to have me arrested and sent to federal prison because I stole his SSDI money. He told them I was sneaky and I really don't know what else. My STBXAH told me just yesterday that he wants the children to know who is right (him) and who is wrong (me). From his point of view.
I know my children know he is an alcoholic and verbally abusive and can't believe all that he says.
I am not perfect and told my kids that. I have made mistakes. Who hasn't?
This is one of the reasons why I want this divorce to go on and be over with as quick as possible.
He is doing to my kids what his mom did to him and his siblings.
Maybe I wrote too much. sorry. Just wanted you to know my experience with this.
Good luck!
I am going to divorce my AH. I'm trying hard to keep my children out of the seperation. I have been telling the kids that this is between me and their father and I won't say anything bad about him, etc. I told them they have enough to worry about and that this is not their fault at all.
MY STBXAH told the children what I have done. He told them he wants to have me arrested and sent to federal prison because I stole his SSDI money. He told them I was sneaky and I really don't know what else. My STBXAH told me just yesterday that he wants the children to know who is right (him) and who is wrong (me). From his point of view.
I know my children know he is an alcoholic and verbally abusive and can't believe all that he says.
I am not perfect and told my kids that. I have made mistakes. Who hasn't?
This is one of the reasons why I want this divorce to go on and be over with as quick as possible.
He is doing to my kids what his mom did to him and his siblings.
Maybe I wrote too much. sorry. Just wanted you to know my experience with this.
Good luck!
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