Owen228

This is my first post and I have plenty to say but will be concise and let the questions or otherwise roll in.

I was alcohol free up until around 17 which was huge for me developing good habits even though I hated myself despite everything I had. I had plenty of ambition, athleticism, help, money, TRUE friends even though not many, and even a great girlfriend.

I developed alcohol addiction after drinking with a new girlfriend at a party around October when I was 18. Ever since then I have drank more and more, finding ways to support the habit in ways I would have never thought of, or considered doing prior.

Since I turned 21, the longest I have been sober is possibly 14 days. I found my way into the gay scene, then the party/club scene, then the socialite scene and eventually the alcohol got too much for me and I lost all of that and through doing that lost most of what I had before that.

Now I am 23, live in an apartment by myself. And am weeks away from getting a new apartment. I have a very steady paying job working at a desk job making $14 an hour, 30 hours a week. I own no car but live where I can walk almost anywhere. So that about sums up where I am.

Onto my situation:

I am on day 5 of sober recovery, mostly due to money and being extremely sick and without enough food to survive off of I have decided to try this again.

After sleepless nights, and short lucid EVIL nightmares during my 30 minutes of sleep a night, with days of anxiety and the will do ALMOST nothing, I am still here. I was so drunk last weekend, I touched some girls groin on a whim, fell backwards, got a concussion, broke a gnome, let a guy i just met sleep on my couch (he's still there).

The weekend is here and I finally am getting paid and could think of nothing more amazing then a 12 pack of beer and some real food. But I know if I do this I may just end up back into my normal routine of drinking for that one night. Then feeling decent enough to do it again two days later, then eventually back to a 3-4 day binge.

I just do not enjoy myself at all right now. It's like I only semi enjoy even the best things life has to offer. So how do u guys do it? You say it gets better, but it seems like for me it could be 2-3 months minimum and that is wishful thinking. I remember what I felt like back at 17 and I guess I had general anxiety to begin with.. but I felt comfortable when I liked myself. Maybe at this age with my new everything I will feel better?

Any thoughts on someone with prior anxiety about themselves as a person reaching sobriety later in life?

edeneen

what is "prior" anxiety ? never heard of it, and I have anxiety disorder & PTSD and see a doctor so I think I know a few things. What are you asking ...?

"Anxiety with yourself as a person ?" Sorry I have no idea what you mean.

Owen228

Sorry for the confusion. I mean I had generalized anxiety and panic attacks. I seemed to cope with it better later in my life but never could do 30 seconds of public speaking or even play half as good on a basketball court as I was due to those reasons. I get them constantly now if I am coming off a 2-4 day drinking binge and seem to roller coaster through anxiety otherwise. I was wondering if anyone had anxiety as a teen, grew up into an alcoholic, recovered and felt better than they did prior to drinking?

I go to a psychiatrist who prescribes me seroquel. I am not fond of them at all, and stopped taking them over a year ago.

1undone

What support do you have? That was what first came to mind when I read your post. Alcoholics need sober alcoholics and those who can be a good example to be with. We need to be with people who understand our condition and not those to go party with. I've had panic attacks and anxiety since I was 14yrs old. I now deal with depression and basically a mood disorder. Who knows if I'd have these issues as badly as I do now had I not drank in the first place.

I am glad you found us. I think you have the right idea and you know why drinking is hurting you and your life but without a plan and help you're right it is really hard, hell it's hard with help! Our minds can be deadly!

Again, glad you found us. THere is a mental health section on the boards too. I go there from time to time.

TheOjibway84

Im not later in life myself. Im 26 and I have been battling this addiction for 3 years now in AA. I've been drinking since I was 20 myself. I have been trying to cut out alcohol this whole time and god knows how many times I've relasped so far. I was in this situation too and it's hard to look up. The only amount of sober time I've gotten was a month at a time. When I first started AA I was able to get 9 months but then relasped at a new years eve party in which I drank so much I actually went outside in socks and not winter boots because I thought it was warm outside. Anyway. I just recently moved back into my parents house because I moved out back in march of this year and 2 weeks into my "new" life I drank again to "celebrate" I had a huge sum of money saved up and in a month or less I spent it all on drinking. I'd go bar hopping and take a taxi down to the next town where all my old hangouts were and that wasted all my money away. Things were getting pretty bad and I kept living the illusion that i was fine when I really wasn't. I'm newly sobered myself though. When things were looking bad a week ago. missed work , lost shifts and not enough for rent, I was looking into a black hole of doom. I had a bit of money left and I was tempted to go out and drink myself stupid again. even if it was a little numbing, once it was gone i'd be brought deeper into the black hole. So I contacted my sponsor and discussed what Id do and he was saying I'd have to go to a half way house or find shelters etc. I was scared I didn't want that. So my brain was on overload and I couldn't sleep well. Just so happened my parents allowed me to come back home but under rules which I gladly accepted. better then on the streets. I guess what I'm trying to say, it does get better. even if things look grim, you feel this way because of drinking and even if you been sober for awhile the effects can last awhile. What you need to do is talk to someone. Anyone you trust. I know you said u have little friends, so do I but my friend who doesn't ever want to drink (He decided this before he met me and I never drank in front of him) is the one friend I can rely on speaking to about my issues. It helps. and this site too helped me out alot. For the 1st 5 days of being sober I was on here 24/5 with little sleep. I was isolated in my basement room I rented with no one to talk to because my room mates are drinkers. That didn't help me either, they drank every other day and I always saw them drinking when I wasn't drinking and it drove me nuts. I know its hard but I too am only sobered 10 days but Im looking up at the positive and looking away from the negative. Keep coming here and post and you'll get replies. And if you can't make an aa meeting, come here to the chatrooms as well you can talk to somone here in real time and it sure helped me Good luck for I do not know what else to say

edeneen

I will have to disagree with Oji about the chat room; I found it helpful at first, then people and attitudes just irritated me, head games ensued, they ratted me out and I let them pull my triggers. I think the the AA On-Line chat rooms are far more supportive and sincere.

Owen228

I have no support. I was going to AA meeting steady 2 years ago, about once a week and it offered me nothing since I was nervous to show up because I was always one of the few with less than a couple weeks sober and they seemed a bit cliquey if times. I spoke a few times, god was that hard.. I had to repeat the 5 sentences I wanted to get out a hundred times just to remember them with my mind racing. I will be the guy you wont hear from in 2 years if I had the choice.

Maybe I am in the same boat as you with the anxiety and mood disorder. People tend to think I delusional when I speak my mind, especially if I don't check myself. Sometimes I just say things I don't mean the way it comes out and it can be taken pretty seriously said to the wrong person.

Thank you for not just saying don't ramble.. because that is what I tend to do. And I will check the mental health forum. My parents are good to me but very judging and all my friends I still have are either extremely judging or drink themselves.

Owen228

Wow that actually made perfect sense despite the wall of text :P I could see myself exactly in your situations described. I do not think I could make an AA meeting until I am more knowledgeable about my problem and feeling the urge to enjoy being around a bunch of strangers. I could see myself on here 24/7 if I didn't have a single thing I needed to do. And to hear your story almost made want to cry.. it seems you know the exact feeling.. the black hole. And the 9 month part seems like you should have been there, and the demon was just messing with you

Owen228

I suppose I could lurk and see how people act. I tend to get along with people normal.. when I am buzzed...

it reminds me of the old phrase, "it's not what you say, but how you say it."

I find that to kind of fit for everything in life. Sucks because I could say something or do something beautiful and it wouldn't look nearly as nice because of how it came out of my mouth or was presented despite the end outcome.

edeneen

okay Owen; go for it, expect people to come in the room drunk and start trouble, expect BIG AA attitudes. expect people who will go on & on for hours about husbands and boyfriends (shouldn't they go to a "relationship" room, instead ?) expect judgmental, petty and vindictive behavior, lies and backstabbing. This is just my opinion, but heads up !

1undone

Hey, I'm no doctor but you sound like you've been self medicating. I found that alcohol made my anxiety worse and since I've stopped drinking it's a lot better. I was sober 90 days, relapsed and have been sober since August 11th. Even though I slipped up I can't believe how much better the anxiety was.

I'm like you, I can't stand large groups of people. What I did was go to the smaller groups. They are out there. I also told the group about my anxiety and that it was very painful for me to be there and it was like just admitting that made it 10 times easier. They all basically empathized with me and said they felt the same way in the first few months and some of them years. I still feel like my heart is going to come out of my chest at times.

For me the despiration to stay alive far outweighed my own self judgement and anxiety. I had to get help as I had 23 years off and on of drinking. I started to feel very sick and I knew that it was either quit or look forward to the looney bin or six feet under. You have more time to make this right for yourself and your body. As I've said before, I wish wish wish I'd known just a few years earlier what I know now.

Now I am going to ramble. LOL

Owen228

Yeah that does sound pretty counter-productive. I get on stickam sometimes to talk to some really good people I have known over the years... but whenever I talk about trying to fix my life, the response is 'u need help'. Yes, thank you, i know

edeneen

Yep ! It became counter-productive to me. But I have certainly learned more about people and issues, honesty and trust. Hey, try AA Online, trust me, lots of educated, nicer and more supportive folks there If you ever need to just yap, you may message me. Take care of yourself today !

E

Owen228

I really like what you said so am going to cut it up for responses.
This is most the most comforting thing to know from someone that fits in my category.

Hmph, who knew, sounds like it could be a great thing for me.

I been there, sort of, but I am not sure many of them cared or it did me a lot of good. I did almost pass out one time there and felt I couldn't even walk outside or they would all freak out.

Oh my gosh, I know the feeling and it's scary as riding a 500 foot drop roller coaster over and over, never knowing when it's going to go into full gear next. Imagine sleeping with that feeling.

Go ahead, you make sense to me.

e: as hard as it is to read, maybe some of this is helping and some just helping to relive the demons I try to avoid while sober.

artsoul

Welcome Owen - congratulations on day 5! Getting through the first weekend sober can be pretty challenging, but just imagine how you'll feel on Monday morning if you do! I actually got sober on a weekend and pretty much lounged in bed with my laptop on this site, eating junk food and watching TV at the same time...... just doing whatever it took until I felt like I could rest (since sleeping was out of the question).

It does take time, but that time is going to go by regardless..... and you don't want to be at the same place (or worse) by this time next year,right? It took a couple weeks before I even dared to hope I could stay sober. By 2-3 months, being sober felt "normal." After a year, I felt like a different person altogether. I guess I had to "see it before I could believe it."

I know what you mean about not enjoying things. Alcohol took the pleasure out of my life too. You deserve to get that back!:ghug3

sugarbear1

AA meetings in person help when you are sincerely there to work the steps.

TheOjibway84

Well Owen. At least your getting alot of support here. I appreciate what you had to say about my post here. Edeneen. Come on. Im new too and I was isolated in my room everytime I drank. I had no one to talk to and when I went to aa. I kept my mouth shut. Ever since I joined up for this site and been inthe chatroom its been nothing but good things except when Jayner would push my patience, especially when I was talking to Inda about games and she'd told i wasn't being funny when I was clearly talking to make a conversation with someone. Anyway back to Owen. You do what you need to do for yourself.It's up to you what you decide whether this chatroom is good for you or not. But in my early recovery so far it's been good for me, I've been able to speak my mind and blog here on my daily thoughts in which I use to keep buried. But you will make it if you believe. You got to try, I know you said you don't know what the problem is yet, I myself am trying to figure it out too, its not just alcoholism. I think I have alot of issues I need to tend to as well. I spoken to my sponsor about speaking my mind in real time. I can go on and on in typing lol and it sure helps, But I feel to be a social person I need to work or I mean practice these skills well... in person lol. Keep at it and you know you can get through it. I didn't think I had what it took to pull myself back up a few levels from the darkness but I have. I still have a long way to climb but so far it's been 11 days of being sober and not an ounce of an urge to drink has popped up. Because I have become so serious on being sober that its a new level I have reached in being able to know I can do this. Keep in touch

Anna

Hi Owen,

You will probably see that there are many methods of recovery and you'll find people here who use various options.

The main things, I believe, is to really want to be sober and to recover. If you have the motivation, you can do it.

sugarbear1

See your prior anxiety disorder doctor for help before detoxing as it can be lethal.

AndreTT

I was thinking the same thing. It`s 6:00pm here and it is getting dark. The thought of a saturday night neing by myself, without partying and drinking is scary.