SomethingBetter

Hi everyone, I have not been posting much lately but been reading, so many times I’ve wanted to post to something that I feel I should but the energy isn’t there.

A little over 6 months now and I am not sure if this is PAWS still but some days I feel great, some days really in the pits. I can go a few weeks of high energy and well-focused plans with work and stick to them and out of nowhere like a ton of bricks I get hit with this lazy feeling, sore muscles and stuff.

This may be just the heat and my labor intensive job, but if you do this kind of work for a living you get used to it, I’ve done the same kind of work for over 25 years. Normally after a hard day I’d have a few beers or more, then more and wake up hung over ready to do it all over again.

It’s not only the work and the lazy feeling although I think this is tied together with my mood, yesterday my 16 year old daughter after asking if she could ride with me went with me to get some dinner for the family, I stopped at the drive through and ordered some burgers, then after hearing the cost (I never liked drive through windows) I basically told them they could scratch the order in a nasty tone.

So I am at the grocery store getting better food for the same money and all is fine, on the way home my daughter changes the radio station and out of nowhere I almost bit her head off, gosh I still feel so bad, I just meant to say that she should ask if anyone minds or were anyone listening to this station, however it came out different.

Then when I get home after being asked to go get some dinner my wife simply says to me ‘If I’d known you were going to the grocery store I’d gave you a list’. Again I snapped like a pit viper, spitting all sorts of venomous stuff, thinking she might be glad I choose better food.

I didn’t see any of this coming, the signs were there, I really had some crazy cravings to drink, but I didn’t, it wasn’t till I had the cravings that I really stopped to think about my behavior. Even if I had some justification in being offended in each of the scenarios above, the way I reacted wasn’t called for.

I am not sure if I am asking anything, one of my problems is I don’t ask for help until it’s too late, if I could just notice when things are off I might do better next time if I just ask, all I can do now is apologize (again) for my inexcusable behavior. And try to learn from it.
I see how picking up can be so easy, the thoughts that I had to get under control about drinking were so strong, like the drink was the answer, how it could just make things better.

Then I remembered, I don’t drink…

Anna

I'm glad you posted.

Congratulations on 6 months of sobriety!

What I wonder, reading your post, is what have you changed in your life besides not drinking? Maybe there are unresolved issues that are still below the surface and causing you to feel angry? Maybe you could find some healthy ways to deal with your anger - exercise, listening to music, going for a walk, whatever might work for you.

MycoolFitz

Hey, thanks for the thread and the update and good work on the 6 months. Isn't it funny, sobriety is not a panacea for life's day to day trials and tribulations. I can relate to this you wrote: "I see how picking up can be so easy, the thoughts that I had to get under control about drinking were so strong, like the drink was the answer, how it could just make things better." And isn't it ironic that drinkings not a panacea either. How, at least for me, it never made things better, just mental and emotional manipulations, smoke and mirrors that seemed to do the trick, but only tricked me. We may still be a mess sometimes, but at least we are sober messes.

artsoul

Six months is great!! I hope you're giving yourself a lot of credit for that!

I'm pretty sure everyone has an irritable side...... And we'll never be perfect people, alcoholic or not.

It could be PAWS or it could just be stress. I can tell when I start to feel overwhelmed (money, kids, job, etc.)..... and I have to remind myself to stay in the moment and take it a day at a time ("Easy Does It" and "Keep It Simple" help too). I've let a lot of stuff go, too. I used to want everything perfect, but it's just not possible. It's more important to my sobriety to have some peace of mind than it is to "do it all."

Hope you have a great weekend!:day6

Eddiebuckle

SB,

I know you feel horrible how that all played out but if you were my sponsee I would say "well done!"

Every one of us has our triggers, the things that just drive us nuts. And some days or weeks just seem to be full of them. Yesterday was one such day for you, and while you did wobble emotionally you did not cave into the urge. Yes, at 6 months you are still very much prone to PAWs and th cravings can come from out of the blue. The good news is that you really can tell when the crazy train is getting ready to leave the station - your emtions get amped up and you want to lash out. Recognize when that is happening so you can prepare yourself to de-escalate: call a sober friend, remove yourself from the immediate situation, go to a meeting, meditate, whatever tools work for you and are at your immediate disposal. But whatever happens, you do whatever you must to NOT DRINK. There is almost no circumstance where it is wise to stay put if its dragging you to the edge of the proverbial jumping off place.

So - cut yourself some slack, apologize to those you lashed out at, explain what was going on in your head, and resolve to recognize this sooner next time and respond differently. But most of all, feel good: you didn't drink.

Keep at it, it keeps getting better.

Edd

Dee74

Hey SB - congratulations on the 6 months again
Have you spoken to your Dr about this?

D

Hevyn

SomethingBetter - My emotions were all over the place, even at 6 mos. I had to learn to live again in a different way without alcohol to fall back on. I was filled with resentment & very short tempered alot of the time. For me, those negative feelings all faded and everything fell into place eventually. It was hard not to grab a drink every time I was annoyed or frustrated - but I knew there was no answer at the bottom of that bottle. (Only took me 25 yrs. to figure that out...)

You came here to talk about it - you didn't pick up - that is wonderful. I agree that seeing your doctor is a good idea. There might be health issues involved that aren't alcohol-related. Congratulations on your 6 months!

pica

Sorry, what is PAWS?

Eddiebuckle

Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome - it is the term for the process the body goes through when alcohol consumption stops. Most of the symtoms are related to the brain recovering, takes up to 18 months for all symptoms to fade.

SomethingBetter

I don’t know, I just feel apathetic, earlier today I was feeling better but now I am back to not really wanting to be ‘out there’ , I just assume be under a rock at the moment.

I don’t want to drink, not really, but I remember how it could stop these feelings, without drinking these feelings could go on for days, I have accepted that but… I don’t know, it’s just, it’s just I wonder ‘what if’ I am still like this in 30 years? Here I am proclaiming to be different, ‘something better’, when actually I am really just this guy that deep down knows nothing about dealing with feelings.

I remember in school when I was a little boy I got picked on pretty bad, black eyes for fun, ear pulling to the point they stayed red all day, and much more, and I accepted it all, I mean damn! I was a coward and I hate that!

Alcohol gave me balls, the crap was over, I didn’t take it anymore, I wasn’t a bad ass or anything like that but I had respect for myself, I started back-talking and disrespecting teachers and skipping school and I’d fight if I had to, I met my wife about then. I remember having super confidence in myself, I liked that a lot. As soon as I turned 17 I quit school, I got a job and I built this wall, a wall that separated me from that little boy that was inferior to everything. Life was finally good…

In a funny way I give credit to alcohol, I am not drinking now but I still have this defense mode that kicks in, problem is now I don’t need it, I have had talks with old school mates and I have forgiven them, they said they were just stupid kids but somehow I don’t let my guard down and that affects my family terribly. It’s like I learned to live this way and I finally see it’s not all that great but what can I do?

I’m not a very submissive person, doctors, law enforcement etc… make me really, really nervous, however aggressive people make me alert and ready.

If anything I see more clearly now after 6 months that I got a long way to go, I have to realize the ‘good days’ are in a way a pink cloud until I sort out my life and accept what can’t be changed and change what is not accepted.

Thanks for the responses, I really hate going from supporter to needing support but it is much appreciated, I should probably get over the doctor thing pretty quickly. Well it happened again, I feel a lot better after writing this.

Thanks SR…

eJoshua

Hey SB,

I forgot, are you seeing a counselor or no? If not, it might now be a bad idea. I've been in therapy for a few months now and it's helped me work through some of my issues -- my resentments specifically, and my judgmental attitude towards, and unrealistic expectations of other people.

Might be worth a shot?