choublak

My boyfriend of roughly 3 years is an alcoholic (binge drinker) in the process of getting recovery. He has acknowledged that he does have a problem and admits that he feels better when sober, but he goes on binges every 3 to 4 weeks or whenever he gets really stressed or unhappy. He then has difficulty recovering from the binges because once he starts, he can't stop drinking the alcohol. He has hidden alcohol from me several times.*
This past Sunday I finally told his mom and his parents got involved.*They found him an inpatient rehab center where he could go live for a month, but he told them he would rather do an outpatient program. They agreed to let him find one himself and try it. He found a place and made an appointment for this coming Tuesday.*

I am not sure if his drive to look at options is coming genuinely from him, or from the fact that his parents are now 'in the know' and taking action. Only time will tell. I just have to do for me and*let him make his decisions for himself.

Does it seem like he is just getting help so people will get off his back?

wellnowwhat

Hi. Welcome to SR.

I'm sorry I can't answer your questions. Over time, you will know by his actions, not by what he says, whether his recovery is genuine or not. Either way you are likely in for a bumpy ride.

Coming here and reading the threads and stickies and posting is a good start. Please consider Alanon for yourself. It's nice to be face to face with people who understand this world of loving an alcoholic and can you give you tools to help find some peace.

Thinking of you both.

Eight Ball

Hi Choublak,

If it helps, I was told by my therapist this week, that sometimes it doesn't always matter why a person seeks help to get sober, as some alcoholics begin to like the person they are turning into and then they switch from doing it for the wrong reasons to doing it for the right reasons - themselves.

My AH of 23yrs has been sober for 3 weeks, its very early days and he seems to be genuine. I left him about 3 months ago and went no contact. He asked to meet me and I went to see what he had to say and he told me he had reached his rock bottom and was seeing a therapist and had been to his doctor for help. I was worried that he was doing it to 'win' me back etc but he is saying all the right things, such as he wants to be a better person, he knows that he has to stop drinking for life etc.

As someone above said - only time will tell. I am watching from afar.

choublak

He has already told me that he likes himself better sober than drunk. He has detoxed on his own, twice. That is another thing I don't really understand. How long is detox supposed to take? For him it took about 3 to 4 days. Unless there is something about detox that I don't know. Is it supposed to take a month?

Seren

I'm so sorry that none of us can actually answer that question for you. His actions will tell in time.....

With an active A, whether or not he is sincere about recovery can only be revealed by action. Sincere sounding words or promises are just that, words.

Please take good care of yourself! Hugs, HG

dollydo

I do not know, all I do know is, you'll have the answer soon.

Detox is only the first little step. Recovery is the next. Inpatient or outpatient the
bottom line is the same, he must want recovery more than anything or anyone and be as selfish about it as he is when he is on a binge. There are no overnight cures. He will
always be an alcoholic, it is just a matter if he is sober and working his program or not.

Take care of you, read Codependent No More, attend Alanon meetings, they will help.

Freedom1990

These are good suggestions which I agree with.

His recovery is up to him, and the best thing you can do for both of you is to start working your own program of recovery from the effects of his alcoholism.

No, detox does not take a month to answer your question.

His sincerity, or lack thereof, will be revealed as time goes on.

Recovery take dedication and perseverance.

Sending you hugs of support!

choublak

Exactly how long is detox supposed to take?

bonami

Hi choublak, welcome to SR! You may want to post your question about detox on the Newcomers to Recovery section to get some more insight. Sending you strength!

Terminally Unique

Yes, it does. Addicted people will do anything to try and avoid actually quitting for good, including resorting to temporary tactical retreats ("getting help"). They love to stay "in the process" of quitting, but never actually quitting. I did this myself, and trust me, getting help is not a substitute for quitting.

Freedom1990

You said he's a binge drinker and it's taken him 3-4 days to detox before. There is your answer.

smacked

Absolutely. I did it for years!

fourmaggie

ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS...

AutumnBeauty

Thanks for your post. I'm wondering the same thing about my ex. He went to the doctor and is now taking Antabuse. Its a pill that makes one very ill if they drink alcohol. They have to take it every day. I don't know much about it. But perhaps others on here do and may that pill would be helpful to your boyfriend. So far it seems to be helping my ex.

I would try to watch his actions, ignore his words, and wait n' see. I know how had that is when you love someone. I find myself really struggling with this simple concept.

Is your boyfriend going to AA meetings ?

dollydo

My cousin, after he had his stroke was given Antabuse, he took it for 2 weeks then figured out that he couldn't take the pills and drink...so, the pills went down the drain, and the booze went back down his throat. It was a matter of priorty.

I am still not fully understanding the theory behind those pills, it doesn't take Albert Einstein to figure it out. The pill doesn't stop the urge to drink, it only makes you sick IF you drink.

choublak

No, he doesn't take Antabuse...his most recent bender was last weekend. He detoxed on his own, which lasted from Mon-Tues and has been sober since.

Can anyone just go into a doctor's office and ask for Antabuse, or what?

choublak

What I meant by "in the process" is that he is awaiting his appointment on Tuesday. He hasn't been drinking in the meantime, however.

Charon

There are a lot of possibilities including: He could be trying to get people off his back. He may feel backed into a corner by everyone and feel he has to do something. He could feel that he really needs to quit. He may really want to quit. There are others but these are the main catagories.

There are two things to keep in mind - No matter what - the ONLY thing that matters is does he stop drinking for good. Be aware that rehab people will tell you that relapse is a part of recovery. I don't buy that for myself. I relapsed quite often - but it was because I really didn't want to quit. Once I really did honestly want to quit, I quit. So the additional thing is that when he relapses does he go back at it even harder.

As my Mom was so fond of saying (and repeating what someone said above) Action speaks louder than words. If he's serious it will show, and soon. If he's not you will know (if you are honest with yourself) and then you will have a tough decision to make. This disease is forever and every day for an alcoholic relapse is just an arms length away. That said, no one yanks your mouth open and pours alcohol down your throat.

Terminally Unique

You'll know soon enough if he is serious or not. You did say that he already goes 3-4 weeks between binges, so you're probably going to have to wait at least that long to find out.

For my part, I don't put much stock in "wanting to stop," because all addicted people feel ambivalent about quitting. They simultaneously want to minimize their problems from drinking, while also wanting to keep it up as long as possible. If they say they want to stop, it usually means that they want to want to stop.

Nothing in your post indicates that he actually said anything about actually quitting, though. You only mentioned that he said he "feels better" when sober, which, combined with his wanting to wiggle out of inpatient, where he wouldn't have access to alcohol, tells me that he is still doing whatever he needs to do to keep the option for more drinking wide open.

If you really want to see if he's serious, try asking him this simple question:
This talk of not drinking again will sound very scary to him, but his response, or lack thereof, may be most enlightening for you. The above is the question that all addicted people are afraid to answer, but once they do answer it, everything else becomes much easier.

choublak

I asked him that question and his response was "hobbies. Sober stuff."