Fallow

Today is day 46. Dont know whats happened in my brain but just when i thought things were looking up I hit a wall here. Ive grown tired and bored of meetings. Things are great with my wife. I havent been sleeping properly in weeks I toss and turn and have nightmares. Still wake up with anxiety most days. I got so uncomfortable with my sponsor I realized I could never do a 4th step with him so I ended that relationship. Other than this wedding and bachelor party coming up and Im really thinking I may want to have a cocktail or two at the party. I dont have a fear of making it sober until then and really dont think I have to get drunk I just want to be one of he boys out on the town again. I plan to be sober for the wedding though. Dont really know why im posting this other than wondering if im crazy, gettin it off my chest, and wondering if anyone else ever planned out a relapse?

sugarbear1

All relapses begin in the brain. Find another sponsor. 4th steps can be shared with homeless strangers, priests, not just your sponsor. Best wishes!

suki44883

I think most people do. Quitting drinking is easy, it's staying quit that is hard. After a while, the newness wears off, we lose a bit of that enthusiasm and it's easy to talk ourselves into just having one or two at the bachelor party, you know, being one of the boys out on the town.

It's stinkin' thinkin'. You can plan to be sober for the wedding; you can plan all sorts of things, but once alcohol crosses your lips, all bets are off. You know that, deep down. Telling ourselves that we can control our drinking is one of the biggest lies ever told. If we could do that, we wouldn't be alcoholics. Hope you'll recognize this thinking for what it is.

Dee74

Hi Fallow

I'm not a Dr - but you may find some light and hope in the following link....

PAWS « Digital Dharma

D

DaveO

You can't plan a relapse, but you can plan an excuse

LoftyIdeals

Fallow, it sounds to me like you want to just take a break from recovery. I would like to as well. Unfortunately, I've come to believe that such a thing doesn't exist. I've been taking breaks and going back to recovery for 26 years. Fortunately for me, my most recent years of drinking made me such an ******* to be around that I don't really have many of the "boys" to hang with. They've moved on with their normal drinking, as it became more and more obvious to them, then others, then me that I was losing my mind, my senses, my sanity, my career, my family, and my life, in that order. Fortunately, my wife didn't toss me out, since I couldn't even afford a hotel for a night if I wanted. That is how the breaks I took turned out.

Mark75

Maybe you aren't ready for it yet, I am pretty sure that I would not have been, bachelor party, drinks, all that. I would have wallowed in self pity... In fact, I had a similar situation at about 90 days, it wasn't pretty.

Go, show your support, give him a few attaboys, then leave when you feel it coming on.

There will come a time when you can go to these events, have a good time, and not drink. It is possible, when you have a purpose to be there. Really!!

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Fallow.

I noticed that on July 25 you wrote:
Maybe you could just stop at a drink or two, like you say. But then what? Do you only drink at weddings and special events? Weekends? Will you always force yourself to stop at 1 or 2, no matter how much you want another, or is it Ok to cut loose every once in a while? Whew, I get tired just thinking about my own efforts to control it...

I'm guessing you tried moderation before. If there's even a chance that it could lead to other nights of drinking, other years, other decades... why take the chance? There are worse things in life than being tired and bored.

Congrats on 46 days. You're doing something great for yourself, your wife, and that daughter of yours.

gravity

You need to have a couple of drinks to be one of the boys? Nah...you can't BS a BS'er. You wanna get buzzed but will probably end up getting hammered. How's moderation worked for you in the past? What makes this time so different?

Peter G

Hell yes I've planned them out. For at least a decade and 1/2. "My royalty check comes next week, wicked, I can get proper drunk". Or "We're invited to an after party with Air France girls next week. No way I'm staying sober for that!". One time my plan was just like yours brother... "my best friend is getting married. Man I'm happy for him. I can't be a loser at his wedding. Screw it, I'm drinking." Then there was "If I lose this damned job because of my drinking, I may as well be a bloody drunk". After that, "If she doesn't stop nagging at me for being out of work, that's it, I am getting smashed."

The last plan I ever had before I finally realized what the hell I was truly playing with? "F**k it all. If I wake up tomorrow, I'm getting drunk."

The trickiest for me, on the latter times when I had some sobriety under my belt, they were NOT planned events at all. It was when I'd suddenly end up walking out of a store with a bag full of booze, having very little memory of how it happened. The only conversation in my head at that point was an afterthought, a twitch. It went like this ... "I guess I'm getting drunk then"; answer "yep". That is the inevitable end Fallow, because once all your best laid plans fail miserably, you give up on planning.

My only advice is be careful amigo, and remember what brought you to NEED sobriety. It might be in the rear view mirror right now, but once you put those wheels in reverse it won't be too long before you end up in the spot you came from.

breakthehabit

Hi Fallow.

Yes, I know what it feels like to plan a relapse. Problem is, there will always be something. Well, it's my best friend's wedding so I should at least have some champagne right? It's happy hour with co-workers, I should at least have one.

These excuses are reasons I've used in the past to validate my drinking. The problem is, I can't just have one. And truthfully? No one cares if you drink. At least, not the important ones. I've found that most people respect you and your choice.

I ask myself this: would I rather remember everything I did or said the next day or get drunk, not remember things and have a hangover?

I personally would rather remember everything. At least that way I will know for sure if I said or did anything dumb. :-p

If I were you, I wouldn't do it. But it's your choice. I just know for me, I went a year and a half sober, tested the waters and it turned into a 6 month binge. I'm now on day 4. Got a long way to go to get back to that year and a half, all because I caved. It sucks that I can't be a "normal" drinker but it is the reality.

Good luck to you!

eJoshua

I planned relapses usually days before they happened.

There are ups and downs even when you're sober. I feel so much better now at four months than I did at 3 months. Stick with it, just convince yourself to stay sober over the wedding/bachelor party. What have you got to lose by staying sober?

OceanSize

for me, the 1-2 drink minimum part of the problem, not the solution. I've gone ahead and planned to extract myself from triggering events or prepare for them appropriately if i can. So here's the thing - you aren't one of the guys, you are an alcoholic. this is what i've been realizing over the last 9 days. I am an alcoholic, i can't drink. I quit drinking because i can't drink. under any circumstance. I am powerless once the booze touches my lips, whether or not my friends are there to catch me in case i fall. I'm an alcoholic, for all i know i may end up hurting them before the night is over. I'm a drunk, i can't drink at all. the 1-2 drink minimum "solution" is my disease lying to me because i'm a good drunk. But in fact, it is alcohol that brought me to my knees.

It's so much to think about, I wonder if you can cancel the plans or possibly figure out a way out of your thoughts and into your actions. "live in the solution" because really, the other option is that you will, no matter what, meet consequences. And if we don't face consequences, as alcoholics, we continue to drink until....something happens and we meet consequences.

what a cruddy disease, but here we are.

its just not going to be easy, i'm not one of the girls anymore, i have no idea if i'll ever be able to go out to eat with a certain set of friends again, because all meals are about wine. I'm an alcoholic. What a relief it is to be sober tonight knowing that i will rise in the morning without shame.

eJoshua

So true, I had to tell myself this a lot in the last year and a half or so.

OceanSize

i think i have found my HP somewhere inside of this concept. but im still on step 1 so i'm trying to stay there. In coming to realize i am powerless over alcohol, i realize i'm not like those people who are drinking at events or who send me emails inviting me for a "glass" - i'm an alcoholic. it's none of my business what they do, i am taking care of myself because I am an alcoholic and that's what i have to do, even if they don't have to do the same thing. This is why i am excited to go to a meeting every day so far. I can't wait to be around people who understand what it feels like to be an alcoholic.

But hey, if being "different" also means i get to live without blackouts and shame and pain and ruined relationships, i'll take it! So, i can live in the problem (drink, or 2 drink minimum lie) or take actions to live the solution.

i know it will get harder but right now i have found so much relief in AA that i am just sitting with step 1 and the feeling of realizing i'm an alcoholic, and that it means i am different from some people, but not from others - and that my life is at stake, no matter what. and i want to live! so i can't drink. at all. ever.

I'm an alcoholic.

Fallow

Thanks to all who have posted in response. I have read all the responses at least a few times and really appreciate every one. Looks like I got just what I needed here Im really happy about that. Seems to me that yes it is crazy for these thoughts to be in my head..I know I cant force them out but dont have to act on them either. These ideas And my anxiety have only gotten stronger the closer the party gets and I still have weeks to go. I need to make sure I focus on today. A few weeks ago I was saying I would have no problem staying sober thru these events and here I am doubting if I can keep this train on the tracks. Guess this sobriety thing is gonna be a lot more than I bargained for. Really dont know why I expected it to be so easy considering Ive never done it...

instant

Fallow. I've tried moderation, the planned relapses, various methods of control. I've tried self deception, pill substitution etc etc. Finally...........this time, I stopped giving up drinking and embraced sobriety. It's been far easier I am working to make it a permanent state.

Hope you make the right choice. It can be a long time waiting for the ride to slow down enough to jump off.

SteppingItUp

This reminds me of some excerpts from the chapter called "More About Alcoholism" in the Big Book:
...

(from Jim's story)
This book has been saving my life in AA. Rocketed forward with the help of a sponsor who was able to translate the book to me in a way that was far clearer than anything my muddied mind was able to make of it, I was finally shown the nature of the illness, the deadly seriousness of this condition, and most importantly the solution. Directions out of hell -- through the 12 steps -- all right there.

While I attend a lot of meetings, I will note that meetings are not enough to keep an alcoholic of my variety sober and happy -- or perhaps sober at all. I need the real McCoy, the full program.

If you didn't trust your sponsor, or they didn't understand how important it is to get you through the work with urgency, I suggest you don't delay -- find one that can.

You've come so far! Now find the willingness to ask for the power to keep going!

I am grateful you're with us.

I wish you well on your journey.

With love,

SIU

stuartp

I think this thread is AMAZING . . . Fallow, thanks for having the nerve to put this out there . . .it took some guts to ask on a sobriety discussion board, "does anyone mind, or think it's a bad idea that I drink at a bachelor party???"

And thanks to everyone for their posts. I'll have to book mark this or something - I haven't been where Fallow is today, but I have no doubt it's coming. And I hope I have the sense to read through this again!

Can/should this be a sticky???

LoftyIdeals

YES, YES, YES!!! This must be a sticky. I have gleaned more much needed wisdom from this thread than any other I can remember. Please create it as a sticky. Dee?

This thread is the epitome of the slippery slope upon which we have all been on in the past, and upon which we all might be standing on any day of our lives. I, for one, would relish the opportunity to re-visit these words when I am inevitably tempted to take the slide again. Day 20 here...I know the slide is always there, inviting us, tempting us.

Thanks Fallow, and all other posters!

Peace and serenity,