Sometimes it just overwhelms your heart...

Old 08-25-2011, 03:20 PM
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Sometimes it just overwhelms your heart...

Those times when you look into their eyes and see the torment and pain and you KNOW, without a doubt, that the illness is ravaging them...body and soul.

Today I sat in front of this beautiful, talented man who was spewing hate and accusations at me and I saw it. I saw the emptiness. I saw the pain. I cupped his face and just said "I love you. I truly love you. I know you are in there somewhere and I hope you fight your way back out some day before you die." As I said this, he was spitting over my words "No you don't! You only love yourself! You are Miss Perfect! You think you're better than anyone else." It didn't even make me angry...it just made me so sad that such a kind, gentle man is being eaten alive by alcoholism.

His nails are cupping. He weighs so very little, his clothes are hanging on him. He has that deep, sweet, disturbing smell of pickled organs. He has given up his passions and talents. He is losing everything and everyone he has loved. But he clings to his poison. No mentally well person would do this to himself. It's just so sad.

As much as it tears my heart to pieces, I did realize that I finally GET it. I get how you can love someone so much and feel pain for them but not allow yourself to fall into the pit. It was good, yet unfamiliar and awkward to feel love and compassion for someone without the codie-esque accompanying thoughts of "How do I fix this? How can I make him understand what he is doing to himself and to me?" Of course, part of me wants to cry out "Stop drinking! Stop drinking and come back to me!" but the feeling no longer comes from an insistence of action on his part...just a cry of sorrow from my heart.

Overall, I'm doing well. Today is just one of those days when the reality hits you, I guess.
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Old 08-25-2011, 03:34 PM
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Such a lovely, compassionate post. My heart breaks for you and your kind, gentle man. I feel your sadness and pain. I know it so well.
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Old 08-25-2011, 06:11 PM
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He doesn't spew anger and hate, but everything else in your story is also my story. Thank you for sharing.

My heart goes out to you both!
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Old 08-25-2011, 06:57 PM
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Thanks friends. This is a hard day. I think today I faced the fact that for him to enter recovery would take strength his mind and soul may not have anymore. They have been so poisoned and depleted by vodka.

This week, a friend of ours told me that he has found the love of his life. He said "Stace, do you know what its like to find that one person? The person you were meant to be with? The person you laugh with for hours and can't wait to see?"

And I thought "Yes...and I also know what its like to watch that person die right in front of your eyes...soul first." I wouldn't wish alcoholism on my worst enemy.
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Old 08-25-2011, 10:31 PM
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I can relate to everything in your post. You expressed your pain so eloquently and I'm familiar with the pain of losing that one person who could make you laugh and who you wanted to spend every minute of your day with. It is very sad that we lose them to the alcohol. Hugs
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Old 08-26-2011, 01:09 AM
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Vujade, I am so sorry for your pain. Reading your story brought back so many sad memories.

It is unbelievably tragic to watch someone you care about, transform before your very eyes ... realizing there is nothing more you can do to stop its progression. Wanting desperately to reclaim someone that used to be so different, the person you remember from years ago.

We get to a point where we finally realize, this person has fallen into a death spiral they are incapable of escaping from. They become barely recognizable both physically and mentally. The last lingering hope that they may one day find the resolve to return to the healthy person we remember, the person we knew before addiction began to steal them away ... begins to dissolve when we realize we are losing them and there is no turning back. Realizing the damage has become too extensive and they are coming to the end of their journey.

I began to grieve my husband’s loss while he was still alive as I watched him die a little bit each day while he rapidly fell into a debilitating decline. I barely recognized him. The periods when he would return to his old self again, became fewer and fewer. He became angry, confused and disoriented - someone I no longer knew. After working 22 years without missing a single day of work - he quickly become so sickly, frail and confused ... severely disabled both physically and mentally in just a few short years. Where once he had been someone with amazing endurance, strength with a sharp mind and incredible memory ... he had become someone that could barely walk, unable to do simple math or remember the day before.

In time a yellow pallor to his skin appeared and his belly became bloated ... and then one day it all hit me, he wasn’t going to recover. Any lingering hope of recovery was now completely gone. That day it hit me like a freight train - I realized he was dying. There would be no more chances for a happy ending.

Amazingly, that day my anger subsided as I realized I would soon be losing this man I had spent my entire adult life with, the father to my children ... and as I sat alone in my home, I sobbed uncontrollably with grief and forgiveness, finally realizing the good person underneath this horrifying addiction that had so dramatically transformed him ... would soon be gone forever. Five days later he died ... leaving behind two sons and tragic legacy of misguided addictive destruction, pain and loss.

May you find the strength, peace and hope to navigate whatever journey lies ahead. May your story still has a chance for a happy ending.
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Old 08-26-2011, 03:41 AM
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I'm so very sorry for all your pain and upset....but I'm also glad you have saved yourself and are looking at the situation objectively. There is nothing YOU can do....and quite possibly it may be too late for him unless he chooses life over vodka.

I was never to this point, but a few more months and i could have stepped over the edge of the pit too. maybe it was fate that I found SR????
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Old 08-26-2011, 04:36 AM
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Some days it is all a bit much to bear

x

Last edited by bayness0; 08-26-2011 at 04:38 AM. Reason: posted in wrong place
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Old 08-26-2011, 07:13 AM
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I know the meaning of loving someone from a distance. My thoughts are with you.
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Old 08-26-2011, 12:23 PM
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I am holding back my tears. My heart goes out to you. I have been there and you are right I wouldnt wish alcoholism on anyone. Hopefully one day he will see the light. Please take care of yourself hugs to you
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Old 08-27-2011, 07:22 PM
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Thank you for those beautiful words. I know exactly how you are feeling. This is exactly how I feel today. Separating out the person you love from the demon, is hard. It helps to know I am not alone.
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Old 08-27-2011, 09:28 PM
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I'm really touched by this post. Chills up my spine.
A year an a half ago, my (now recovering) alcoholic wife was deep into a 13 day binge. I'd barely seen her awake or sober during that entire period.
By some miracle, I got help and got her into rehab and, I believe, she literally came back from the brink death.
But the difference is that when I was at that point in my life I didn't have a drop of compassion or love in my body. By then, I'd been down so long that I really didn't feel anything. Dark days.
My story has a happier ending, my wife is sober and doing very well in recovery. I'm in recovery...I've learned to feel again. I definitely feel compassion, for you, for the one you love, and for everyone who suffers because of this disease.
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