bayliss

Hello everyone...it's been a little while since I have been on here...I made it to 15 days of sobriety and I slipped up on Tuesday night with wine...I woke up with a wicked hangover the next day and didn't drink but I am back at it again today.
I had an appointment with my counsellor today - I haven't seen her since June 15th, so it has been quite a while. I guess I thought that I didn't have a problem, but I really did.
She told me today that she thinks that I am an alcoholic...she says that she thinks that I know I am but I am having a hard time accepting it and it is true.
She told me as well that I need to stop drinking - that's it. No more. No moderating, no nothing. One day at a time...no more booze...forever?
I am having a hard time wrapping my head around this one...but that is a different story, one that I have to think about seriously and mull over the next few days.

Anyways...
Near the end of our hour-long conversation, she told me that the reason why I fail is because I can't do this on my own. She highly recommended that I go to AA and maybe even consider a 2 week-long treatment centre for women.
I am toying with the idea of AA...I am afraid, I don't want to go alone...but she thinks that the reason why I am not realizing what I am going through or taking it more seriously is because I'm alone on this. I know NO ONE that is an alcoholic - other then this forum - but in person...I have never really seen one or interacted with one...so I just don't know. So I am making up my own rules as I go which will {and it obviously did} lead me to relapse.

I would like to try the treatment centre...but it's for serious people that want to stop drinking. I do...I really do...I wish I didn't have to go through this...but at the same time I cannot imagine my life without drinking.
The problem is that this treatment centre is about half an hour away from where I live...and I don't drive...
It's from whatever time in the morning to whatever time at night...and you go home...another problem is that I will have to take time off work.
I don't know what to do anymore...

I feel at a crossroads...I know by continuing drinking I am slowly killing myself...I am robbing myself of all the wonderful things I can do while sober...I need to figure out other ways of coping with my anxiety and my OCD and my day to day problems...
I've only been drinking for 2 years.
I am disappointed in myself...but I know that I have to stop...just stop...but I can't stop thinking of drinking.
This is frustrating and painful.
I sometimes find that if I might change my entire scenario, where I work, where I live...that it might help...but I know my alcoholic mind...I will rationalize my drinking until the cows come home...
Which never will because I don't have cows. Lol.

-Bayliss+

Dee74

I don't believe it needs to be any one particular method but I do believe noone does this without support, Bayliss.

Some like me, find SR is enough....but others find they need more.

I really hope you'll follow through with some kind of real life support, as well as SR - it sounds like the way forward for you.

As far as forever goes...I started this journey just promising myself I'd stay sober today...then the next day...and so on until I found I was ready to accept it had to be forever, and I could handle that

D

sugarbear1

You're the only one who can decide if you are an alcoholic. She can suggest you drink alcoholically, yet you must be the one who wants to change. Best wishes!

least

I couldn't imagine never drinking again - hell it was all I did. But with time I got used to living sober and came to like it one hell of a lot more than my drinking life. I have no reason to drink these days and I like it that way. I look back at my drinking existance and wonder how I managed to destroy myself and lie to myself for so long.

I like waking up feeling good and not feeling like death warmed over. I like my sober sleep. I actually sleep well now and don't wake up in the middle of the night with the shakes. I take better care of my beloved dogs and myself now. I wouldn't trade my life for alcohol anymore. I like myself enough to not treat myself badly and alcohol will kill me some day.


I hope you find the support you need to stay sober. I didnt think I could do it but I did and I am and I'm tickled pink to be sober. I hope you can find your way to a sober life. It's worth it.

recoverywfaith

Thanks for sharing...takes courage...may you find peace in your journey.

Anna

I truly believe that it is the motivation you have, rather than the method you use, which will enable you to stop drinking. In my opinion, you need to really want to live a sober life and to believe that alcohol is no longer an option for it to work.

Itchy

I agree with Anna! Don't get hung up on mehtod. I used them all and all at once. I used AA for the first three months and still stay in touch with them. Great folks in my little home group. I stop in every couple of months.

I did in hospital detox and that was great, no pain. I also started a 28 day live in rehab but I quit that after two days as I wasn't a good fit. My doc and family are the only things I need now with one major exception. I started out with just SR and AA after Detox and stopped AA after three months as a regular attendee. It worked for me too!

For me, it took all of those things to make it to my 12th month sober. I don't make fun of the methods of others, and don't care if one stands on their head and sings Christmas Carols to stay sober. Whatever works, and maintains our humanity, which never celebrates at the expense of another.

doggonecarl

And you will, as long as you are drinking. Acceptance of a life without alcohol becomes easier the longer you are sober. But if you wait until you can accept it, you'll never quit.

As for the decision to uproot your entire life in the hope that it helps your recovery, I would caution you about introducing stress like that into your life. It just makes recovery all that more difficult.

Good luck.

CaiHong

I understand why you feel that a life without alcohol seems impossible to you at the moment, as other members have posted it does get better. But just stopping drinking is not enough.
In my early days of sobriety I could not imagine how much better I would feel with drink out of the equation, the thought of a drink is not attractive, I don't want to lose what I have achieved in such a short time. I can't do this alone though, I am following the 12 step program and got a sponsor yesterday to take me through steps 1 - 3. I am working on step 4. IMO you can't do it alone. I can't make it to meetings as much as I would like but I listen to this
website Relapse Prevention How To Stay Sober!.
But saying all that I think that I was ready, alcohol was no "fun" anymore, there was nowhere else to go. I am so grateful that I am here.
All the best.
CaiHong

Zebra1275

Don't think about not drinking for the rest of your life, that makes it way to hard. Instead think about not drinking today. Tomorrow when you get up do the same thing. That's what "one day at a time" is all about.

Symmetry

I hope you find the strength to live

gravity

I'm assuming your counsellor knows your history so I'd go with her advice. There are way worse things in life than not being able to drink. I'm loving sobriety and am quite comfortable with never drinking again. Give sobriety and a recovery program a go. You may just be saved from years of misery.

eJoshua

Hi Bayliss!

I'm glad that you keep coming back here. You show some real strength of character to keep trying!

I agree that commitment is the most important part and that the program that will help varies from person to person. The main thing is it has to be something you believe in.

Support is absolutely essential. I think AA is worth checking out. It sounds like you're tossing the idea back and forth, trying to decide if you want to commit to something. I would encourage you to just go to a meeting and try it out. You're not committing to anything by just going to a meeting. People won't be offended if you don't go back.

It's true that it's scary the first time you go, but I can almost guarantee that once you walk through the doors all your fears will melt away. In general, my friends in recovery are the nicest, most welcoming people I've ever met and I would be surprised if you found it any differently.

Stay strong! We are pulling for you.

wpainterw

All I can do here is to speak from my own experience. For forty years I attempted to stop my binge drinking without joining AA or some other group, that is by trying to do it "alone" often with the help of a counselor. Time and time again I relapsed, sometimes after several years of sobriety. So from that experience I came away with this conclusion: Some folks may be able to get sobriety without the help of other alcoholics but I never did. As for your saying that you can't right now envisage quitting for good, that is for life, that's entirely normal. You don't have to envisage anything. Just go one day at a time. I did and now it doesn't bother me at all that I can't drink. I don't really miss it any more. I don't need it. I don't want it.
Good luck.

W.

1undone

This is exactly how I was thinking before I went to AA. I then looked in the mirror and said. This is an alcoholic. I work full time, have a child and husband, drivers license, Bachelors Degree, no DUIs, nothing major has happened to me YET. AND mostly this is what I've found to be the case with others in my AA group. I always pictured the person unraveled and broken that went to AA. I was wrong. They were people just like me struggling and trying to accept that we are not perfect and we can't do this alone.

artsoul

The thoughts were still there after I stopped, too. I thought they'd never go away.

I'm not sure you can stop the thoughts themselves, but it helps to know that they will slowly begin to fade. I tried to just accept them and watch them come and go, and remind myself that I didn't have to act on them.

Don't give up!

bayliss

I just want to say that I am immensely grateful for this forum and for all of your guys' wisdom, advice, experiences, posts.
It really helps. A LOT.

I will definitely look into AA and give it a shot. I definitely feel like I need a little more support...someone to talk to that know's exactly what I am going through...the way you guys understand.
I won't give up. I will keep on trying - I know I don't want to live with this disease...I don't want to drink forever...I don't want to be pinned to the mat - with alcohol being the one to pin me down. I want to be sober, I like the feeling...
I need to really consider other options for treatment...I obviously can't do it all on my own...

Thanks so so so much.
You guys are a bunch of amazing people.

Much love,
-Bayliss+