I am here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 25
I am here.
Hi All,
I am new to this. I am not even sure what I expect to get out of this. I only know that I am confused and angry and tired and sad. I don't know how to tell my story, to get to the heart of the matter without rambling. I feel like a horrible person because I am disgusted and fed up with my husband. The minute he gets home from work - he pours himself a drink or 3. yes i mean immediately pours himself 2-3 drinks: a beer (which is actually a mug that holds two bottles) and a whiskey or some other hard alcohol and sometime a wine. That is just to get him started. I have no idea why he has to pour them all at once. For some reason, it drives me crazy. Then most nights he proceeds to continue drinking until he passes out. To be fair he doesn't pass out everynight but usually several nights a week, often with a drink or food in his hand that he then spills all over himself. I look at him snoring, wet and stinking of booze and usually i just feel nothing except relief. Relief because if he's passed out that means there won't be an angry tirade over what an awful wife I am, a horrible mother and a slob. Relief because he won't be pestering me. What kind of person secretly hopes her husband will pass out early so they can have some peace. sometimes i buy the booze, if he runs out. I tell myself its so he stays off the roads, and that is true but partly its so he can get drunk enough to not be my problem. In the past 14 months - he has only gone one day where he didn't drink and that day he had a horrible case of the flu and couldn't keep anything down. Also in that same time period I have seen him passed out in his food, in his drink. He peed on our tv and on his computer within the same week. I am just disgusted. We have to rearrange our sex life around when he is sober - so he expects me to leave on my lunch hour to have sex or have sex in the morning even though its going to make me late. I do the lions share our the childcare and household responsibilities but he does "help" some. Though now I feel like i can't trust him to do what little he's done in the past. The other night when I left to run our older daughter to a friends house I asked if it was ok for me to leave our 5 year old at home with him and he said sure. When i got home less than 30 minutes later - he was passed out on the couch and she was trying to get the dog to wake him up. I feel stupid b/c obviously i can't trust him to tell me when he is too drunk to supervise her and I can't tell by looking so I guess I learned my lesson - from now on she goes with me.
ok - i told myself i wouldn't ramble. I don't have a specific question. I'm just lost. I feel like I don't say 95% of the things I feel and think. I have lost my voice and I don't like who I've become or what I am teaching my children. Yet every time I've said I'm going to leave (not because of drinking but a whole host of other problems - which are probably related) he convinces me i'm being selfish and trying to ruin everyone's life.
I am new to this. I am not even sure what I expect to get out of this. I only know that I am confused and angry and tired and sad. I don't know how to tell my story, to get to the heart of the matter without rambling. I feel like a horrible person because I am disgusted and fed up with my husband. The minute he gets home from work - he pours himself a drink or 3. yes i mean immediately pours himself 2-3 drinks: a beer (which is actually a mug that holds two bottles) and a whiskey or some other hard alcohol and sometime a wine. That is just to get him started. I have no idea why he has to pour them all at once. For some reason, it drives me crazy. Then most nights he proceeds to continue drinking until he passes out. To be fair he doesn't pass out everynight but usually several nights a week, often with a drink or food in his hand that he then spills all over himself. I look at him snoring, wet and stinking of booze and usually i just feel nothing except relief. Relief because if he's passed out that means there won't be an angry tirade over what an awful wife I am, a horrible mother and a slob. Relief because he won't be pestering me. What kind of person secretly hopes her husband will pass out early so they can have some peace. sometimes i buy the booze, if he runs out. I tell myself its so he stays off the roads, and that is true but partly its so he can get drunk enough to not be my problem. In the past 14 months - he has only gone one day where he didn't drink and that day he had a horrible case of the flu and couldn't keep anything down. Also in that same time period I have seen him passed out in his food, in his drink. He peed on our tv and on his computer within the same week. I am just disgusted. We have to rearrange our sex life around when he is sober - so he expects me to leave on my lunch hour to have sex or have sex in the morning even though its going to make me late. I do the lions share our the childcare and household responsibilities but he does "help" some. Though now I feel like i can't trust him to do what little he's done in the past. The other night when I left to run our older daughter to a friends house I asked if it was ok for me to leave our 5 year old at home with him and he said sure. When i got home less than 30 minutes later - he was passed out on the couch and she was trying to get the dog to wake him up. I feel stupid b/c obviously i can't trust him to tell me when he is too drunk to supervise her and I can't tell by looking so I guess I learned my lesson - from now on she goes with me.
ok - i told myself i wouldn't ramble. I don't have a specific question. I'm just lost. I feel like I don't say 95% of the things I feel and think. I have lost my voice and I don't like who I've become or what I am teaching my children. Yet every time I've said I'm going to leave (not because of drinking but a whole host of other problems - which are probably related) he convinces me i'm being selfish and trying to ruin everyone's life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Welcome to SR.
Yes you are here and I'm so glad you found us. I can relate to much of your post. Pull up a chair and read. The stickies at the top are really good and I read the one's under classic reading a lot when I first came here, post, ask questions, seek support. Look for al-anon and find a counselor if you can.
What kind of person secretly hopes her husband will pass out early so they can have some peace.
The kind that lives with-in the crazy hellish framework of alcoholism, that is what kind.
There is a way out of this. You can find clarity, peace, serenity, happiness. You've made a step in that direction by posting here. Keeping walking in that direction and we'll be here to support you as you find your way.
Yes you are here and I'm so glad you found us. I can relate to much of your post. Pull up a chair and read. The stickies at the top are really good and I read the one's under classic reading a lot when I first came here, post, ask questions, seek support. Look for al-anon and find a counselor if you can.
What kind of person secretly hopes her husband will pass out early so they can have some peace.
The kind that lives with-in the crazy hellish framework of alcoholism, that is what kind.
There is a way out of this. You can find clarity, peace, serenity, happiness. You've made a step in that direction by posting here. Keeping walking in that direction and we'll be here to support you as you find your way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by retswerb 
What kind of person secretly hopes her husband will pass out early so they can have some peace.
I just want to welcome you to SR... I am glad that you are here.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Welcome to SR. 
SR has helped me a lot to learn about alcoholism, and tons about myself. Educate yourself about the disease, codependency, and enabling. The stickies are truly great here, and Al-anon will help you if you attend. I know it is very difficult living with an active alcoholic. The constant disgusting habits, the verbal abuse, and the wishing that they will just pass out sound all too familiar to me.
You are definitely not alone. You need to get your voice back for yourself and your children. Remember that an active alcoholic will say ANYTHING to continue on in the comfortable routine of accepted drinking. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you can not Cure it. Think about the three C’s when he goes into a tirade blaming you.
Post here anytime. We are listening.
SR has helped me a lot to learn about alcoholism, and tons about myself. Educate yourself about the disease, codependency, and enabling. The stickies are truly great here, and Al-anon will help you if you attend. I know it is very difficult living with an active alcoholic. The constant disgusting habits, the verbal abuse, and the wishing that they will just pass out sound all too familiar to me.
You are definitely not alone. You need to get your voice back for yourself and your children. Remember that an active alcoholic will say ANYTHING to continue on in the comfortable routine of accepted drinking. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you can not Cure it. Think about the three C’s when he goes into a tirade blaming you.
Post here anytime. We are listening.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by KerBearz
What kind of person? Me!! I know exactly what you are talking about.
I just want to welcome you to SR... I am glad that you are here.
I just want to welcome you to SR... I am glad that you are here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Originally Posted by retswerb
Hi All,
What kind of person secretly hopes her husband will pass out early so they can have some peace.
What kind of person secretly hopes her husband will pass out early so they can have some peace.
Been there, done that. So relieved when he'd finally "fall asleep" in front of the TV. I'd take a good book, tea, cookies into bed and close the door. It felt like a little sanctuary. We are newly separated and one of the things that I can't get used to is how peaceful the house is at night. It's wonderful.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits
I'd take a good book, tea, cookies into bed and close the door. It felt like a little sanctuary.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 284
You're not going to stay married to this guy. You know that, right? How much longer you stay married to him, how much longer you tolerate the drama, is up to one person on the planet --YOU. Not him. My advice: pull the plug on this comatose marriage.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
My heart goes out to you and your children. That is no way to live.
I am glad you are here. Do read and read and read, the stickies, other threads, and keep posting. And check out Alanon, it's for you and it's so nice to be face to face with people that understand this madness.
Thinking of you and your little ones.
I am glad you are here. Do read and read and read, the stickies, other threads, and keep posting. And check out Alanon, it's for you and it's so nice to be face to face with people that understand this madness.
Thinking of you and your little ones.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I think you need to assess your situation. Are you currently living a happy life? Are your kids currently living happy lives? From your post I am getting the impression that the answer to these questions is "no." What would it take for you and your kids to live a happier healthier life? That is the question that you need to find the answer to. Remember, he will not change unless he wants to, despite how much you may want it. You have to take him how he is now, in the present.
Finding the proper support, here and Al-anon are great, and educating yourself about your situation you will begin to become stronger, and more able to visualize your situation in its entirety. Take care of yourself and your kids, because he is not able. If you don't who will?
Finding the proper support, here and Al-anon are great, and educating yourself about your situation you will begin to become stronger, and more able to visualize your situation in its entirety. Take care of yourself and your kids, because he is not able. If you don't who will?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 14
I believe from all of the responses, the over whleming majority of us looked forward to our A passing out. DO NOT feel guily, it is natural to want peace, calm and an escape from the abuse in your life even if it is as brief as the A passing out.
I lived with my AH for 15 years. dealing with much of the same as you described. I left with my 2 children 3 weeks ago to escape the escalating verbal abuse of myself and my oldest daughter (14). I can only tell you that you have permission to live a life outside of Crazytown. It has not been easy for us but the feeling of peace and contentment are beautiful. And knowing that NO ONE will ever call me names and put me down is PRICELESS!!
Good luck to you and LOVE YOURSELF!
I lived with my AH for 15 years. dealing with much of the same as you described. I left with my 2 children 3 weeks ago to escape the escalating verbal abuse of myself and my oldest daughter (14). I can only tell you that you have permission to live a life outside of Crazytown. It has not been easy for us but the feeling of peace and contentment are beautiful. And knowing that NO ONE will ever call me names and put me down is PRICELESS!!
Good luck to you and LOVE YOURSELF!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You are not alone. I too was happy when he fell asleep on the sofa. Peace at last!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
This is a link to a permanent (sticky) post from the top of the forum. It contains steps that really helped me while living with active alcoholism.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You are not alone. I too was happy when he fell asleep on the sofa. Peace at last!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
This is a link to a permanent (sticky) post from the top of the forum. It contains steps that really helped me while living with active alcoholism.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 25
Thank you all so much! It's good to get some of this out in the open. I felt like such a traitor for posting here. I feel like I betrayed him but I feel like i just stuff everything down. I have a few friends who know a bit about what is going on but I don't want to be that person who constantly complains and yet refuses to take action. My mother used to say you teach people how to treat you. I have allowed this to be acceptable behavior in our relationship and I'm embarrassed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Welcome Retsweb, glad you are here. There is no reason to feel embarrassed here. We all have experienced and lived the day to day turmoil of what life is like living with an active alcoholic. There is alot of good information on these threads, this site was an amazing eye opener for me. Keep reading and posting..........
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by retswerb
I have a few friends who know a bit about what is going on but I don't want to be that person who constantly complains and yet refuses to take action. My mother used to say you teach people how to treat you. I have allowed this to be acceptable behavior in our relationship and I'm embarrassed.
I have carrried a lot of shame, embarrassment, guilt, anger, frustration, etc. around with me for YEARS. The baggage is simply too heavy for me now. I have had to "allow" other people (trusted friends, family & professionals) to help me carry (or let go of) my baggage.
Al-Anon friends have been particularly helpful to me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 317
Retswerb,
We're all a little crazy when we get here (whether "here" is this forum or an Al-anon meeting...). You feel like you're crossing a line by sharing the secrets in your alcoholic husbands life, the secrets of your life. But you'll find that most of us here have already heard that same story many times. We've lived that story! (When my alcoholic wife passed out, that was my "me" time.)
Living with an alcoholic is tough. We suffer, and the damage is slow and insidious. Like slowly sinking in quicksand. But believe me: There is hope for a better life, we can learn to heal ourselves whether our alcoholic is drinking or not.
Try an Al-anon meeting. In fact, make a commitment to yourself to try a few (sometimes you find a group that you click with, and that's a good thing). You don't have to talk, they won't ask you to do anything. The people there will share their stories, and trust me: you'll hear your story. And when it's time...you'll find the courage to speak for the first time...maybe just a sentence or two...and you'll find that you feel better and that your load is lighter.
Welcome...and keep coming back!
We're all a little crazy when we get here (whether "here" is this forum or an Al-anon meeting...). You feel like you're crossing a line by sharing the secrets in your alcoholic husbands life, the secrets of your life. But you'll find that most of us here have already heard that same story many times. We've lived that story! (When my alcoholic wife passed out, that was my "me" time.)
Living with an alcoholic is tough. We suffer, and the damage is slow and insidious. Like slowly sinking in quicksand. But believe me: There is hope for a better life, we can learn to heal ourselves whether our alcoholic is drinking or not.
Try an Al-anon meeting. In fact, make a commitment to yourself to try a few (sometimes you find a group that you click with, and that's a good thing). You don't have to talk, they won't ask you to do anything. The people there will share their stories, and trust me: you'll hear your story. And when it's time...you'll find the courage to speak for the first time...maybe just a sentence or two...and you'll find that you feel better and that your load is lighter.
Welcome...and keep coming back!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 25
Thanks. I am going to look for an al-anon meeting in my area and give it a try. I read peoples stories and wonder if I'm making too much of his drinking. I keep second guessing myself. We have good days and we can have fun together. The drinking doesn't consume every thing. The rare times I have discussed his drinking with him. (I honestly very rarely mention it) He said he thinks i'm just using that as my excuse because I really just don't love him and I want out of our marriage. I'm not sure if maybe he is right. But he is sure making it easy for me. Our marriage does have lots of issues, some directly and some indirectly related to the drinking, some probably unrelated. Of course every therapist I've talked to said untangling the mess that is our marriage is nearly impossible if he's drinking the way he does. He thinks as long as we don't have a huge "incident" everything is fine. I don't think he knows how much I don't say or how I really feel about anything.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 26
My AW is divorcing me and I can't tell you the weight that I feel has been lifted from my shoulders. the worst thing is I did not know I was living a life based on supporting her and hiding her mistakes. I thought I was doing it for the children and all the time losing myself in her alcoholism.
My advice, get out you deserve better.
My advice, get out you deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 26
My AW is divorcing me and I can't tell you the weight that I feel has been lifted from my shoulders. the worst thing is I did not know I was living a life based on supporting her and hiding her mistakes. I thought I was doing it for the children and all the time losing myself in her alcoholism.
My advice, get out you deserve better.
My advice, get out you deserve better.
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