should I or not?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 20
should I or not?
I am still suffering miserably from my sober A boyfriend breaking up out of nowhere. We talked "sort of" for the first couple of weeks - my mostly just trying to figure out what happened and how he could be doing this. He is currently on day 167 of his sobriety, immediately started up with a girl who lives closer to him (we are two hours away and he hated that) and it's eerily silent now. It's like he's done everything he can (even gone so far as to remove all his tags from our pictures on fb - isn't that kind of childish?) to say "I don't exist"
We were deeply in love. Then out of nowhere *poof* he was gone. My question is, it's been just over a month now. Should I reach out to him? Do any of you sober A's have any advice on what he may be going through/feeling right now? Is it worse if I contact him or would it help him to know I still support him?
I just am so confused and want to repair this. However, a clinician I know yesterday said, "It could be 6-8 months and he could come back." I asked her if that was normal (I'm clueless - I've never gone through this before) and she said, "There IS no normal in your relationship. You are ill (I have CFS and Fibromyalgia and other health issues - that are "deal-able" ) and he is dealing with his illness... Give it time."
I just feel like if I don't DO something to keep in touch with my friend of 32 years (and now he's just GONE) and boyfriend of 6 months - he will just fade away...
Help.
We were deeply in love. Then out of nowhere *poof* he was gone. My question is, it's been just over a month now. Should I reach out to him? Do any of you sober A's have any advice on what he may be going through/feeling right now? Is it worse if I contact him or would it help him to know I still support him?
I just am so confused and want to repair this. However, a clinician I know yesterday said, "It could be 6-8 months and he could come back." I asked her if that was normal (I'm clueless - I've never gone through this before) and she said, "There IS no normal in your relationship. You are ill (I have CFS and Fibromyalgia and other health issues - that are "deal-able" ) and he is dealing with his illness... Give it time."
I just feel like if I don't DO something to keep in touch with my friend of 32 years (and now he's just GONE) and boyfriend of 6 months - he will just fade away...
Help.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
What is the point of "reaching out" to him? He has made it clear that he has moved on. Sometimes relationships just run their course and we don't always get a clear reason why from the other party. I can understand your sadness, but relationships are difficult enough on their own, but adding long-distance to the mix, and they really don't work out that often. Go ahead and mourn the loss, but since he has moved on and has a new girlfriend, it would be best for you to do the same.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
I think he has made it clear that he is moving on. He has decided that this is what is best for him. I understand you still care for him and it is very difficult, but sometimes we have to let the ones we love go. He knows how to get back in touch. In my opinion, I think it would be best for you to move on as well. Let him focus on making himself well, and you should too.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
Yeah he has a new girlfriend, so what. 167 days sober is too soon to be dating. It is recommended that dating be held off for a year after becoming sober. Personally, I think you should be glad that he DOES have a new girlfriend and let her deal with him. Alcoholics relapse all the time and 167 days is too soon for him to even know completely who he is yet let alone know what he wants in another person. You don't want to deal with that. And p.s. being sober and recovery are 2 totally different things. Recovery takes work and dedication to a program, so is he recovering or is he just sober.
Wherever I travel, there I am.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 7
It's a diversion, contacting him.
Stay focused on your sobriety and learning to trust yourself...Let you body/brain, mind and soul feel the joys that emerge with your strengthening sobriety.
Best wishes...
Stay focused on your sobriety and learning to trust yourself...Let you body/brain, mind and soul feel the joys that emerge with your strengthening sobriety.
Best wishes...
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
justpassingthru, Let me share a few things I learned over the years: Men are not attracted to needy women. I understand you are trying to keep the dialogue open. The fact that he untagged Facebook pictures means he is closing that chapter of his life. He no longer wants contact, and doesn't feel he has to explain himself to you. (Your need to stay in contact is probably quite unatttractive to him at this time)
If you try and contact him knowing he is involved with someone else, it makes you appear to be a stalker, stay silent, and hold on to your dignity. Sometimes people are not really who we think they are, and that is a tough pill to swallow.
I don't know why the clinician said what she said, to me that is offering false hope. By no means are you supposed to hang on 6-8 months to see what will transpire. Add the rehab into the mix, and you should be glad that all of his issues, are not your issues.
I am sorry that you are hurting. But you need to brush yourself off, fix yourself up, and get out there and meet new people. Join a group, a club, a civic organization, volunteer somewhere. Reconnect with friends, go have coffee, Do anything but sit around and dwell on what your life no longer IS.
You are giving him way to much power and control over your life. Everything happens for a reason, the best is yet to come................. All my best to you
If you try and contact him knowing he is involved with someone else, it makes you appear to be a stalker, stay silent, and hold on to your dignity. Sometimes people are not really who we think they are, and that is a tough pill to swallow.
I don't know why the clinician said what she said, to me that is offering false hope. By no means are you supposed to hang on 6-8 months to see what will transpire. Add the rehab into the mix, and you should be glad that all of his issues, are not your issues.
I am sorry that you are hurting. But you need to brush yourself off, fix yourself up, and get out there and meet new people. Join a group, a club, a civic organization, volunteer somewhere. Reconnect with friends, go have coffee, Do anything but sit around and dwell on what your life no longer IS.
You are giving him way to much power and control over your life. Everything happens for a reason, the best is yet to come................. All my best to you
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
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I sense your pain. If you had that long of a friendship with him, sad for him to throw that all away. But from what you say, he is not wanting anything to do with the relationship at this time. No one knows what the future has in store. He hasn't been sober that long. I wish I had some kinder words to say for the pain. Just keep to yourself and let him do his thing. That is all you can do. We always want to control the unknown of find answers for what we do not know but then there is sitting still and living your life 
That is ALL you can do.
That is ALL you can do.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 20
Hi is recovering. He went through complete detox and has had zero cravings (yeah sure don't believe it - it's true). Occasionally, he'll say, "Does a beer sound good? Sure. Will I drink one and die. No way." He has a sponsor and a program.
Are any of the above responses from SOBER/RECOVERING alcoholics??? I want their opinion - would THEY want to be contacted or not... He's been my FRIEND for 32 years. It's just strange he's completely off radar right now. We even discussed 3 days before he broke up that he was very grateful to have me with him through his recovery and he knew he'd be going through a lot.
Are any of the above responses from SOBER/RECOVERING alcoholics??? I want their opinion - would THEY want to be contacted or not... He's been my FRIEND for 32 years. It's just strange he's completely off radar right now. We even discussed 3 days before he broke up that he was very grateful to have me with him through his recovery and he knew he'd be going through a lot.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Perhaps try posting this question on the other side as well. I'm sure someone from the recovering side would be happy to give their insight. I assume they more frequent the recovering addict/alcoholism forum threads.
I'm sorry you are suffering. I know it is tough. We are here to listen and support.
I'm sorry you are suffering. I know it is tough. We are here to listen and support.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
I am a recovering alcoholic. When I decided to quit drinking, I knew I had to make a lot of changes in my life, including people. Sometimes, associating with people from our past keeps reminding us of our past life. Many times, when addicts strike out on their "new life," they distance themselves from people, places and things that were prominent in the past.
Again, he has moved on. Whether or not him finding a new girlfriend is wise at this point, it appears he has done so. If it were me, I would appreciate you honoring my decision to move on. I know it hurts, but you'll get over it in time. You can't force someone to be friends if they don't want to.
Again, he has moved on. Whether or not him finding a new girlfriend is wise at this point, it appears he has done so. If it were me, I would appreciate you honoring my decision to move on. I know it hurts, but you'll get over it in time. You can't force someone to be friends if they don't want to.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Originally Posted by justpassinthru 
Are any of the above responses from SOBER/RECOVERING alcoholics??? I want their opinion - would THEY want to be contacted or not...
I'm so sorry you are hurting. I hope that you will find some peace very soon.
Hugs, HG
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I was also dropped like a hot rock by my XBF 2 months into his recovery. I don't know if he's seeing someone new now. It really doesn't matter. I do not contact him even though he said he wants to stay friends because it would only serve to hurt me AGAIN, and I need to heal.
I question the true "sobriety" of someone in recovery who immediately rushes into a new romantic relationship. He may not be sober at all at this point--you just don't know. So don't open that can of worms and get hurt again.
People truly focused on their recovery most likely would not rush into a new relationship. Even if he isn't drinking, he may be using this new relationship as a new "addiction" to make him feel better. The "high" won't last; it will only prevent him from looking at his real issues. After our breakup, my XBF immediately got into contact with all his old drinking buddies, ex GFs, and people who could be described as his "inferiors", as they say in addiction counseling. I doubt he is truly working his program. If he was, he would not rush headlong back to the people and circumstances that surrounded him during his worst drinking years.
So for me, no contact is safest. My XBF seems to be running around like a chicken with his head cut off, dumping me and then friending all the old drinking buddies on Facebook. I've stopped looking at his page. He's obviously not well. I don't want to be a part of that anymore.
I question the true "sobriety" of someone in recovery who immediately rushes into a new romantic relationship. He may not be sober at all at this point--you just don't know. So don't open that can of worms and get hurt again.
People truly focused on their recovery most likely would not rush into a new relationship. Even if he isn't drinking, he may be using this new relationship as a new "addiction" to make him feel better. The "high" won't last; it will only prevent him from looking at his real issues. After our breakup, my XBF immediately got into contact with all his old drinking buddies, ex GFs, and people who could be described as his "inferiors", as they say in addiction counseling. I doubt he is truly working his program. If he was, he would not rush headlong back to the people and circumstances that surrounded him during his worst drinking years.
So for me, no contact is safest. My XBF seems to be running around like a chicken with his head cut off, dumping me and then friending all the old drinking buddies on Facebook. I've stopped looking at his page. He's obviously not well. I don't want to be a part of that anymore.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by justpassinthru
Hi is recovering. He went through complete detox and has had zero cravings (yeah sure don't believe it - it's true). Occasionally, he'll say, "Does a beer sound good? Sure. Will I drink one and die. No way." He has a sponsor and a program.
Are any of the above responses from SOBER/RECOVERING alcoholics??? I want their opinion - would THEY want to be contacted or not... He's been my FRIEND for 32 years. It's just strange he's completely off radar right now. We even discussed 3 days before he broke up that he was very grateful to have me with him through his recovery and he knew he'd be going through a lot.
Are any of the above responses from SOBER/RECOVERING alcoholics??? I want their opinion - would THEY want to be contacted or not... He's been my FRIEND for 32 years. It's just strange he's completely off radar right now. We even discussed 3 days before he broke up that he was very grateful to have me with him through his recovery and he knew he'd be going through a lot.
As a long-term recovering alcoholic, I see red flags. I've also seen a lot of people who attend AA, have a sponsor, but don't really work the program. There is a lot of untreated alcoholism sitting in the rooms of AA.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by changeschoices
So for me, no contact is safest. My XBF seems to be running around like a chicken with his head cut off, dumping me and then friending all the old drinking buddies on Facebook. I've stopped looking at his page. He's obviously not well. I don't want to be a part of that anymore.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Justpassinthru, Wish I could give you a big hug, and shake you ever so gently at the same time!!!! My ex fiance called off our wedding, a week before we were to be married. It felt like I was hit by a bus.
I sense you are trying to justify his actions. You just want to get inside his head and read his mind. I would lay in bed at night and the "movies" would play. Each night, I would relive some moment of our life together. I was making myself sick, and quite crazy too.
Fast forward, five years later, ran into him at a mutual friends funeral. He did approach me and told me how very sorry he was about how things turned out. I accepted his apology, he started to explain what happened, and I stopped him, said the apology was enough.
Sometimes, we don't get to know the answers, to the questions that trouble us. To be consumed and absorbed in someone else decisions is absolutely fruitless. In your writings, I sense you are thinking it's the alcohol and rehab that has clouded his mind. False hope is not your friend. The old saying , "friends can turn into lovers, but lovers rarely turn back into friends", obviously your 32 year friendship means more to you, than to him. He obviously is not the person you thought he was.
Someone offered these words of comfort after our break-up; " The best revenge is a good life." Why don't you step outside the box and go do something nice, just for you, today. Lift yourself up, you don't have to justify somebody else's actions, it's not your job................ take care...........
I sense you are trying to justify his actions. You just want to get inside his head and read his mind. I would lay in bed at night and the "movies" would play. Each night, I would relive some moment of our life together. I was making myself sick, and quite crazy too.
Fast forward, five years later, ran into him at a mutual friends funeral. He did approach me and told me how very sorry he was about how things turned out. I accepted his apology, he started to explain what happened, and I stopped him, said the apology was enough.
Sometimes, we don't get to know the answers, to the questions that trouble us. To be consumed and absorbed in someone else decisions is absolutely fruitless. In your writings, I sense you are thinking it's the alcohol and rehab that has clouded his mind. False hope is not your friend. The old saying , "friends can turn into lovers, but lovers rarely turn back into friends", obviously your 32 year friendship means more to you, than to him. He obviously is not the person you thought he was.
Someone offered these words of comfort after our break-up; " The best revenge is a good life." Why don't you step outside the box and go do something nice, just for you, today. Lift yourself up, you don't have to justify somebody else's actions, it's not your job................ take care...........
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