learningtofly

Hello SR! I'm sorry but I'm not glad I'm here lol uuggg So here’s a little run down of the last year and a half. My AH was addicted to Roxy's a year and a half ago. After a wrecked car, lots of money and heart ache (typically stuff) oh and a DUI he started treatment to get clean. He said his sober date was March 2010. Well, over the last year AH has been withdrawn, lacked emotional connection, and just never seemed really happy about anything. It seemed he was just "OK" with everything just kinda going through the motions day to day. Our marriage suffered tremendously. I of course worried that he was using. I still had alot of anger, resentment and fear and we never dealt with is properly as a couple. We were always focused on his addiction and getting him better.

A couple weeks ago I told AH that I felt like him being withdrawn was a symptom of his addiction and that I felt like he was on the road to relapse and suggested he start attending some meetings. At that time he said to me that he didn't feel that he needed them that he could control it and that if he wanted to take pills occasionally that he could control it. I of course FLIPPED out (in my head . . I didn't actually say it out loud) so we talked and he agreed he needed to get back to a group. So a week and a half later he went to a meeting. Yeah a week and a half! Needless to say he wasn’t in a hurry!
A couple days after that he found out that I made a huge mistake and had an affair. AH found out about it and is now using drugs again. This was a week ago. He said he started using and has only a couple times. I know he is hurt and extremely upset with me however it is not a reason to turn to drugs.

He now says he doesn't know if he wants to stay married. I feel bad about the mistakes I have made, but I can't have someone in my house that is using. We have a 3 year old son and I refuse to have it in my house. He is sleeping in the guest room and we aren't really talking to each other right now. He says he needs time to think. So last night he comes out of the guest room and his eyes are blood shoot and pupils are very small. I ask him if he is taking pills he of course says no that he drank a bottle of wine. I think he was high but I can't say for sure. I will throw him out if he is taking pills but I don't have evidence yet. It is so aggravating.

I guess what I am wanting to know is . . . Has anyone else seen these signs after someone stops taking pills? (being withdrawn and so forth even after a year and a half) Is it typical for someone to relapse like this? I feel responsible even though it's stupid and I know there's never a reason to take drugs. Because of the mistakes I have made I feel like I need to give him time and I feel bad about being hard on him about his drug use. I know I need to set up my boundaries I'm just having a hard time finding them. Any advice would be helpful. I know it's easy to be blind when you’re so close to the picture. Your words and thoughts would be appreciated!! Thanks

splendra

My H thinks i had an affair with someone but some how or another it seemed to do something to him to make him straighten out more he has been clean for a while since before he came to the conclusion that i had an affair. He treats me better we still live separately.

When we were together he loved to look for ways to blame me for his using. If he had thought back then that i was having an affair he would have used that as an excuse too.

Check your happiness temperature is it high or low? Life is too short to be unhappy most of the time.

Freedom1990

It's been my personal experience that any decisions I made based on guilt ended up backfiring on me in the long run, and brought a lot of pain.

He can really take that guilt you have and get a lot of mileage out of it as far as him using again.

Is this the way you want to live because this may be as good as it ever gets?

Ann

Sometimes relationships can heal and grow, sometimes the damage is too deep.

It doesn't matter how it got that way, throwing shame and blame solves nothing. What is important is where you see this relationship going in the future. Is this how you want to live? Is this how you want to raise your child?

I don't need answers to either of those questions, but they may be worth pondering as you decide what is best for your future.

Hugs

learningtofly

Splendra I do believe my happiness temp is ice cold.

You are right life is too short, but I feel that I said for better or worse and that i still have some fight left in me to work it out. Marriage isn't always easy. I believe people do change and kick their addiction. I am hopeful, but need to take care of myself and figure out my plan at this point.

Anvil you are right we did both check out. I have no idea what to do now. I have made a already really bad situation much worse.

Is anyone here still with their addict or did everyone leave their addict?

Freedom1990

I left my addict. He was violent and extremely abusive. There was nothing left to salvage.

learningtofly

Thanks for sharing anvil and freedom. I started another post asking for input from people who have success stories in recovery with their addict. So far no one has shared so we will see.

MaryGoRound

If it quacks like a duck...

I agree about the cheating. I feel like people cheat because they are missing something...

I wonder, what are good boundaries for you?
Does it even have to be about using? Are you getting what you need? Are you getting what you deserve? just how much has the guilt come into play for you staying?

I prolly would feel bad too, but not that bad..
Lol. Obviously, something was missing. Have you found it yet? Do you feel guilty that this person isn't able to give you what you need? Thank you for sharing I feel like these questions are for me too.

Welcome back. I am back after a year too. Maybe this is an opportunity for positive changes.

learningtofly

Cynical - That is a great but very hard question! My immediate thought would be the addict is clean, present in life and has dealt with and explored his addiction. For me knowing how you got to that place in your life is key! I don't think you can put a real time frame on it . . . it's more of how the person is acting. If I had to say a time frame I would think I would feel good about the changes probably after 2 years with no relapses. I hear what you are saying that it has nothing to do with the addict, but it's not fully registering yet. I'm working on it : /
Thanks for asking a tough question! It's funny how I'm asking a question that I haven't even answered myself . . . things that make ya say hhmmm

Mary - I was/am missing something! I felt as though my husband was just a roommate. He was not interested in anything that was going on in our family life. He didn't notice anything. All he did was go to work, come home sit on the couch and do the things that were on his to do list around the house. He seemed like he had just checked out. I brought it up many times and he never listened. After awhile I gave up. I made a mistake and turned away from my marriage. I do feel guilty because I made a huge mistake. Now I'm looking back thinking what if he really was clean all this time and i just didn't believe him. Maybe he was depressed. Even if that was the case was there anything I could of done? I tried talking to him, I tried to get him to recognize his withdrawn behaviors and told him I felt disconnected.

I believe in marriage that you should stick together. I know this is coming from the woman who had an affair . . pot calling the kettle black huh!! I believe that people are capable of change. I think people can recover from anything if they make a conscious decision to do so. I made a HUGE mistake and recognize it and I want to make it right now. I understand he has to do the work on his end and that I can't control anything. I am working on letting go. Because of the affair I feel like I'm stuck in this in between space. I want him to know I love him and that the affair meant nothing to me and that it was a mistake, but at the same time I'm still dealing with the hurt of his actions. So on one hand I feel like I need to be gentle with him because I hurt him and on the other hand i need to treat him like an active addict and keep my distance and set my boundaries. Uuuggg this is why I'm struggling!!

You are right Mary something was def. missing. I was not happy. I am trying to sort through this. You guys ask excellent questions and i need and appreciate your input. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond!

learningtofly

What a day : (
When I came home from work AH was high and wanted to talk. He said he didn't know how we could work things out. I told him to start he needs to get help with his addiction. That we needed to go to marriage counseling and start living our lives without all the lies. He said I don't want to get help for my addiction, I stopped before and I can stop again on my own. I told him that I felt like that was the very reason he needed professional help. He is using again! So basically blah blah blah! We talked some more and then he said well so this is what we are going to do . . you stop seeing this other guy, you find us a marriage counselor and then I will find some sort of help for my addiction.

All this time I was thinking I wanted him to agree to just work on our marriage and give it another try. I am now a little confused as to what to do first. Do we do it all at the same time? I don't know if I even want to move forward until he is in a different place with his addiction. I don't know if I have the energy or the love for him in order to do this again. I am so confused.
If he would of seemed sincere and really dedicated I think I would of felt different. He was high and contradicted himself.

I don't know why i am even typing this the number one rule was I shouldn't of even engaged in conversation with him because he was high . . what am i doing uuugggg I'm mad at myself and feel I just failed miserably at that conversation. : ( I hate that I even have to spend time thinking about how to talk to him and what to do next and on and on and on. This is all so exhausting.

I really need some input and some smacking around I think lol

hello-kitty

You are responsible for your own bad choices. But you are not responsible for his bad choices. Maybe it's time to take a break and see who this man is really (and who you are) because if nothing changes nothing changes.

You CAN'T move forward if he is using. He's HIGH! He's mentally incapicitated. Marriage counseling while someone is on drugs will not fix or save your marriage. He is FOS. He just needed an excuse to use, he found one, now his addiction is in full swing again and he just wants to keep using.

Time to focus on you and figure out what you really want out of life.

LifeRecovery

Karrie1207

Please know this is mine and mine only. I worry about imposing so take what you like and leave the rest.

It was my husband's affair that I found out about that got me into the doors of 12 step program for myself (Al-Anon). It has helped me heal from both the addiction and the affair. We are no longer together and while I still consider it painful (both parts) I can appreciate that I needed something like this for me to grow in my life. I am not with my husband any longer, but the principles of detachment etc from the program helped extend my healing into all areas of my life.

I believe that we are always trying to heal ourselves and we get into relationship with people that will help us to learn the lessons we need to do this. That does not always mean that we like the teachers we get, but we need them. I agree with MaryGoRound about the reasons that people cheat....because they are missing something. Though I think it is at least in part about something missing in the relationship, I also think it is often about healing an old wound for you as an individual. Regardless of what you and your husband decide to do I read your note an opportunity for great growth. At times we need to have our roots dug out, looked at and then replanted to grow to our full potential.

Finally I don't know if you are much of a reader, but I found After the Affair by Janet Abrams Spring very helpful in my healing. It is told from the perspective of both parties in the marriage and it really helped me to understand a little better what my husband was feeling, because I had no idea.

Freedom1990

Take note of where the "help for addiction" falls. It's last on the list.

He's quacking like a duck. He has no intention of quitting and staying quit at all.

Take it from a long-term recovering addict who smells the BS a mile away.

What does your life look like in the future? More of the same?

You do have choices.

MaryGoRound

I'm glad u said that freedom.

I noticed that too! Lol! My A would say things like,
"I'll do this when you ______"
" I'll go to rehab after I finish undergrad. I don't have time"
Uhhh...he's graduated now...

"Ill go if you say you'll marry me"
"I'll go for our kids" (that were FAR from even being conceived!

It really is unhealthy when you look at the dependency on both ends.
But god does it feel good to feel like you are needed! Ha!

learningtofly

Thank you for taking the time to comment and give your advice. It truly is a life saver and a guide to help me get through this. THANK YOU!!!

After the talk on Friday when he told me he did want to try and move forward together. I went to my mom’s for the weekend to get my head straight and separate myself for a day or two. She lives an hour and a half away. I went to church with her and talked to my mom and my sister. I read through your responses on here and read some other posts. I made a plan that suits me.

You are all right . . . I have to start working on my own program my own recovery. I want to see who this man really is like you said hello-kitty. Cynical it is pointless to try and work on US right now . . . we are both lost. Yes anvil I am/was still seeing the other man.

So I came home from my mom’s yesterday about 4:00p.m., AH was sleeping when I got there. I noticed a little bag lying on the table (the kind he normally carries pills in). I went to see the other man and told him that we had to end it. It was so hard to break things off with him. He was my drug . . my addiction. He made me forget about my worries and he made me feel good. I cried and didn't want to do it. I still don't want to do it. It is so hard to think of my life without him, BUT I am married! I also realized that I think guilt has played a role in some of my decisions with AH. I feel guilty because of my affair. I have also realized I can't ask someone or expect someone to be honest with me if I am not being honest with them. I want to do this for me most of all. I want to be an open book and have nothing to hide. I want to work on having a relationship with God. I need to get myself right and this was the first step.

So then I came back home I pulled the calendar off of the refrigerator. I am going to attend an alanon meeting (no naranon meetings in my area) this week and I also have been going to counseling so I wanted to mark these things on there. I ask AH what his schedule is like this week so that I could add it also. He says oh it will be the same. . . . meaning he is just going to work and coming home. So I said oh I thought you said you were going to a meeting this week. He said yeah I am I just don't know when. I said ok well can you let know by tomorrow so that I can plan my week. So then after about 15 min.s he gets off the couch and goes on the computer, prints out the NA meeting schedule and tells me there are meetings at 8:00 Tues and Wed. that he will go to one of those which ever works out better around my schedule. His attitude showed that none of it really mattered and he was just going through the motions to please me. I didn't respond even though I was mad and aggravated. I don't want to have to lead him anymore I want him to show me "who he really is".

I told him that today was the start of a new beginning that I was going to work on me and he needed to focus on him. . that I felt it best that we wait and see how this week goes before thinking about marriage counseling. We both have our own issues that we need to deal with. I said I was going to start being an open book and that I was done with the affair. . I removed all passwords on my phone, email etc., I deleted him from my FB, phone and email. I am going to start going to church and living a better life.

I need to make these changes for ME. I am not happy with the things that are taking place in my life. I can only manage me. I am letting go of trying to change AH.

After talking to him last night and telling him all of this he says ok. I honestly did all of the talking about what I was doing and didn't leave much room for him to talk . . . didn't really care to hear what lies he was going to try and feed me any ways. So them I went to bed.

I woke up this morning and saw 6 beer cans in the trash that he drank after I went to bed. LOL actions speak louder than words!! I am done talking I am doing for me now.

Now I am going to set up some boundaries.
1) If he uses I am going to ask him to leave our home.
2) If he wants to stay in the house I feel that he needs to be working a program.

Does this sound right? I feel as though I'm ok with this. The only worry I have is that he will go to meetings and not do any work and there will be no change in his behavior. I think I may need a boundary there as far as his behavior. . I just haven't worked it out yet.

Thoughts on all of this please : )

splendra

Being in a relationship with an active addict will always make you crazy.. Craziness can also carry over when they get clean but still are not sober. Some people never get clean or sober.

Sometimes it takes a very long time. Know your limits and stick with them let them show you your way. be gentle with your self