Feeling sad and miserable....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Feeling sad and miserable....
People in AA say they love you until you can love yourself and they say that they care about you uncondionally but I'm here to say I don't feel that at all. In fact I don't believe in unconditional love. I am in a very dark place today and I don't know how the hell I'm going to get out of it.
I say the above because when I relapsed I didn't get the feeling that I was supported or loved one bit. I didn't feel safe and I felt judged big time. I don't know what to do with these feelings and I am starting to wonder if I resent all these people because of their reactions. I've been thinking and thinking on this and I can't shake the feelings.
I guess I'm looking for some experience here. I feel so lost and alone. Last night I was even thinking what's the point and maybe this living thing is too much. I just don't know what the hell to do or what to think. All I want is to feel loved and I have searched and searched but nothing.
Feel like a lost cause....
I say the above because when I relapsed I didn't get the feeling that I was supported or loved one bit. I didn't feel safe and I felt judged big time. I don't know what to do with these feelings and I am starting to wonder if I resent all these people because of their reactions. I've been thinking and thinking on this and I can't shake the feelings.
I guess I'm looking for some experience here. I feel so lost and alone. Last night I was even thinking what's the point and maybe this living thing is too much. I just don't know what the hell to do or what to think. All I want is to feel loved and I have searched and searched but nothing.
Feel like a lost cause....
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
I'm so so sorry undone that you are in this dark place. I can relate all too well with being in that place as I am in it all the time. I wanted you to know that I am here and I'm listening. I care what happens to you weather you believe that or not. As far as AA, I stopped going years ago for several reasons, the program just wasn't for me. I am not here to discourage you from AA in any way, although is it possible to find another meeting? You don't deserve to be judged and I understand where you are coming from with that. As far as experience, I haven't much to share in regards to AA, maybe someone else will come along and shed some light on it for you. I do have experience with crippling depression, anxiety and more. If you ever need an ear, I'm here.
-Jess
-Jess
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I know that being in such a dark place is really difficult, but you can get past this.
I found that, ultimately, I had to start loving/liking myself. For me, those feelings couldn't come from someone outside of me. It's great to have support from people who care about you, but I really think that you need to find ways to love yourself. I found that a Gratitude Journal helped a lot because it helped me to focus on things in my life that mattered to me.
I hope you feel better.
I found that, ultimately, I had to start loving/liking myself. For me, those feelings couldn't come from someone outside of me. It's great to have support from people who care about you, but I really think that you need to find ways to love yourself. I found that a Gratitude Journal helped a lot because it helped me to focus on things in my life that mattered to me.
I hope you feel better.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
We judge others' behavior by our own feelings. You're being harsh on yourself, so maybe that is how you see them being to you.
Are you desperate enough to surrender? Are you seriously humbling yourself and willing to go to any length?
Also, some people want to work with those who want the help badly. Maybe people feel you aren't desperate enough.
These are some things that I've considered. Like my friend, P who still drinks. Even if she hadn't told me, her behavior is that of someone still drinking which isn't the same as someone detoxing....
We ALL care about you. Love & peace to you. Keep coming back!
As an oldtimer says, "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. Learn to listen to listen to learn."
Are you desperate enough to surrender? Are you seriously humbling yourself and willing to go to any length?
Also, some people want to work with those who want the help badly. Maybe people feel you aren't desperate enough.
These are some things that I've considered. Like my friend, P who still drinks. Even if she hadn't told me, her behavior is that of someone still drinking which isn't the same as someone detoxing....
We ALL care about you. Love & peace to you. Keep coming back!
As an oldtimer says, "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth. Learn to listen to listen to learn."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
I have serious trust issues and I think most people just want to have a shining star and happy ending for their sponcee. I feel like I can't live up to their expectations. I'm just being honest. While I need to open my ears, they also need to be OPEN and create an environment where those that are having a hard time with this new way of life feel safe to "f-up" and come back to hash it out. It's like they spent the one meeting giving me the 3rd degree, I picked up a white chip and that was it. My sponsor even told me that if I want to work with her I can't "f-up." It made me feel like **** and I can't shake it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
I'm sorry you didn't feel supported, 1undone. Please hang in there. You're making a huge, all-important change in your life. It's a very sensitive, emotional time. I know I had to ride out a lot of sad, lonely, scary days in the beginning. You have my unconditional support here at SR, if that helps. 
Sugarbear, if I found myself in a support group that took it upon themselves to judge me and whether I was "desperate enough," I'd know it was time to find another support group.
Sugarbear, if I found myself in a support group that took it upon themselves to judge me and whether I was "desperate enough," I'd know it was time to find another support group.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Why not try to let go of others expectations of you?
In my opinion, trying to please other people, will leave you empty and lost.
Work on your recovery for yourself, for your life.
In my opinion, trying to please other people, will leave you empty and lost.
Work on your recovery for yourself, for your life.
Beating this demon for GOOD
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 143
hang on to that rope tightly!! Don't give up, it's easier said than done, I know but don't let go!!
Early days of sobriety are very confusing, trying and emotional, I am there right now, but I WON'T give in to the temptation this time around.
It sounds as if you are being put under a lot of pressure which is the last thing you need right now. I suspect you are beating yourself up enough and don't need others judging you. I also think maybe you could explore the possibility of different meetings, that is the joy of AA, there are so many meetings these days.
In your shoes, I would also feel judged and I am sorry you are going through this. I believe that listening is important, however i also feel strongly that being able to share your own feelings in a safe environment, etc. is equally if not more important especially in the early days of sobriety. Just my .02.
Early days of sobriety are very confusing, trying and emotional, I am there right now, but I WON'T give in to the temptation this time around.
It sounds as if you are being put under a lot of pressure which is the last thing you need right now. I suspect you are beating yourself up enough and don't need others judging you. I also think maybe you could explore the possibility of different meetings, that is the joy of AA, there are so many meetings these days.
In your shoes, I would also feel judged and I am sorry you are going through this. I believe that listening is important, however i also feel strongly that being able to share your own feelings in a safe environment, etc. is equally if not more important especially in the early days of sobriety. Just my .02.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 2,464
Please don't give up...I understand the dark days and relapse. Your guilt and shame will subside the longer you work on yourself in recovery. For me, taking it one day at a time helps...listening to music...prayer...gratitude list...living right in the steps and SR. Glad you are here at SR...it takes alot of courage to share...thank you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 325
Here's just my opinion.
People in AA will look at you differently after you relapse. Why? Because you were not following the program, you didn't follow what they said, and you went against their way of life. The last thing anyone will want to hear from you is your opinion on how things should be done or what you think. Why you ask? Because you still find it ok to drink.
That's the harsh reality but please think of this is real life terms. If your boss told you that you NEED to be at work by 8 or that it would make him upset. Would you be surprised if he gets mad when you stroll in at 11 and then explain how you consciously made the decision to come in late because your hours are better than what he says?
People in AA will look at you differently after you relapse. Why? Because you were not following the program, you didn't follow what they said, and you went against their way of life. The last thing anyone will want to hear from you is your opinion on how things should be done or what you think. Why you ask? Because you still find it ok to drink.
That's the harsh reality but please think of this is real life terms. If your boss told you that you NEED to be at work by 8 or that it would make him upset. Would you be surprised if he gets mad when you stroll in at 11 and then explain how you consciously made the decision to come in late because your hours are better than what he says?
Guest
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
Originally Posted by 1undone 
I have serious trust issues and I think most people just want to have a shining star and happy ending for their sponcee. I feel like I can't live up to their expectations. I'm just being honest. While I need to open my ears, they also need to be OPEN and create an environment where those that are having a hard time with this new way of life feel safe to "f-up" and come back to hash it out. It's like they spent the one meeting giving me the 3rd degree, I picked up a white chip and that was it. My sponsor even told me that if I want to work with her I can't "f-up." It made me feel like **** and I can't shake it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Here's just my opinion.
People in AA will look at you differently after you relapse. Why? Because you were not following the program, you didn't follow what they said, and you went against their way of life. The last thing anyone will want to hear from you is your opinion on how things should be done or what you think. Why you ask? Because you still find it ok to drink.
That's the harsh reality but please think of this is real life terms. If your boss told you that you NEED to be at work by 8 or that it would make him upset. Would you be surprised if he gets mad when you stroll in at 11 and then explain how you consciously made the decision to come in late because your hours are better than what he says?
People in AA will look at you differently after you relapse. Why? Because you were not following the program, you didn't follow what they said, and you went against their way of life. The last thing anyone will want to hear from you is your opinion on how things should be done or what you think. Why you ask? Because you still find it ok to drink.
That's the harsh reality but please think of this is real life terms. If your boss told you that you NEED to be at work by 8 or that it would make him upset. Would you be surprised if he gets mad when you stroll in at 11 and then explain how you consciously made the decision to come in late because your hours are better than what he says?
I'm sick of all this and sick and tired of feeling like I'm defective. I seriously just want to be locked up but I'm not sick enough. Hows that for irony? ugh! I'm seriously not in a good place. It is what it is. Tomorrow will be better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 325
Originally Posted by 1undone
Addictive behavior is a lot different than a work start time although I see what you are trying to say. I can't use your analogy because the comparason isn't nearly the same. I don't want to drink and I want to follow directions and do the RIGHT thing but I have a disease and I can't do the RIGHT thing all the time on my own. This is why I am going to AA. It took years for me to get where I am with my drinking and it will take me a long time to break this cycle for good.
I'm sick of all this and sick and tired of feeling like I'm defective. I seriously just want to be locked up but I'm not sick enough. Hows that for irony? ugh! I'm seriously not in a good place. It is what it is. Tomorrow will be better.
I'm sick of all this and sick and tired of feeling like I'm defective. I seriously just want to be locked up but I'm not sick enough. Hows that for irony? ugh! I'm seriously not in a good place. It is what it is. Tomorrow will be better.
It is really dependent on the type of person relapsing or needing help for that matter. I have seen newcomers that are just jerks and they are probably surprised why no one wants to help them. I have seen really nice people struggle and no surprise they get as much help as they need. So my question for you is are you the "jerk" or the "nice" newcomer?
With certain people I've been selfish and opinionated and you guessed it, they don't help me or offer any good support. I actually get shunned by people I looked up to and thought they were there to help me.
With other people I've been consistently nice and caring and they are always coming up to me and asking if I need anything.
See the correlation?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by 1undone
I didn't feel safe and I felt judged big time. I don't know what to do with these feelings and I am starting to wonder if I resent all these people because of their reactions. I've been thinking and thinking on this and I can't shake the feelings.
I remember feeling judged... big time... when I was in treatment. I came to understand that I was holding on to, and defending, a lot of the protective mechanisms I had built up as part of my addictions... justification, rationalization... denial... I slowly began to realize that it was not me that was being judged, attacked, whatever... but it was my "disease" that was under attack, not me...
Love the alcoholic/addict... hate the alcoholism/addiction...
Let go of these feelings, that's all they are... and love yourself... separate out all those mechanisms that feed your alcoholism... from your true self.
Getting better hurts at first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
I'm the nice addict. LOL I am always smiling and always putting on the happy face for others. I need to do it because I want to and I am really happy. Just having a bad day. I've read eveyone's comments and they do help so I appreciate it. I have to learn how to not focus on others and just myself and how to get better. Sometimes I feel like the person that is too mental to get "it."
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