DeesGirl

My story is pretty long, but to put it in a nutshell...The AH and I just got married in June after 4 years of hell.
Him: 44 years old, never married, no kids. Was a somewhat "functioning" A until I left him and moved out of our house last August and started dating again. Almost immediately went from functioning to rolling around in the gutter.
Me: 34 years old, divorced, three kids (the youngest is our daughter together)
Why marry into that? (As I assume any sane person would be asking) Besides being a glutton for punishment, I love "The Man" behind the A, I know the enemy (A) He has already cheated, lied, stolen, disappointed me, and truly...there are no surprises out there anymore. I've seen him at his worst and at his best. And last, (and something I have admitted to very few people) I was afraid he would kill himself or die from the drinking. Yes - I know that this is "destructive thinking"...but still, I had to acknowledge that I couldn't have a relationship with anyone at all or even carry on with my own life knowing that at any minute I could get that call. I've had him Baker Acted (72 hour MH hold) I tried to rally all of his friends and family around him in the hopes of getting his problem out into the light and being able to back away from the problem some, and sadly...no one pulled through for him. Other than myself, none of his family lives in the area and 95% of his drinking buddies abandoned him. He lost his job in Mar of 2009 and was living off unemployment. His mom has been paying the mortgage on his condo for a year and a half. Up until May he had completely isolated himself and was drinking all day long with very few periods of any lucidness. He would wake up at 4am and start drinking, pass out by 10am, wake up, drink, pass out, ad naseum.... In May of this year I invited him to start spending more time with me, and the kids and he began staying sober for longer and longer periods of time. Since you don't know me, you may not believe this, but I offered to marry him so that he could get on my health insurance and possibly get into in-patient rehab. Of course...that conveniently never happened, BUT since we got married June 9, he has only had two slips. Unfortunately...one was tonight, which is why I'm on here. He was going to AA almost every day, sometimes 3 times a day and now...it's been weeks. I think he has never surrendered to his HP and thinks he can do it on his own.

I do feel like his heart is somewhat in his recovery (I say somewhat because he's no longer going to meetings and even when he went religiously he refused to get a sponsor or work the steps...so we're not quite there yet.) BUT, he has acknowledged he has a problem, he knows he can never drink socially ever again, he has improved dramatically over the past 4 months and he willingly gave up access to any money, credit cards, etc.,up untli about a month ago so that he would be less likely to have a relapse. (Looks like we'll be doing that again.)

Anyway, I'm not looking for sympathy - I willingly and knowingly put myself (and my children) into this situation. I'm just looking for advice on how to handle his relapses and to hear what has worked for other people. And to vent....'cause boy, do I need to vent.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I recommend reading and posting as much as needed. We are here and we understand.

Reading in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the forum will introduce you to some of our histories and some wonderful wisdom from folks that have been there/done that and survived.

Here is a link that contains steps that helped me:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

DeesGirl

Thank Pelican, I"ll definitely do that.

bblackbirdflyy

Deesgirl.
Wow. From what I read you are so compassionate... a true giver. Just make sure that you are not giving past the point of your own well being. I am kind of on the other side of this thing I'm someone who turns alcohol to cope. From my own experiences what it took to snap me out of it was the constant insistance from my husband that I had a problem. He was right I did have a problem. We have since seperated becasue of other issues. I have slipped here and there.. twice since june. I might even say that I will probably slip again even though I do not want to. But I have not had this many sober days since I was pg with my daughter. so that has to be a step in the right direction.

Shoot sorry, off to tanget-ville.

You must matter a great deal to him. Insist that he keeps working on it. Understand that slips happen, but as time goes by they should be few and far between. Shoot tell him to log on to SR. Its my only outlet. Worse comes to worse, Give the ultimatum. Work the steps or I'm outta here pal. I hope it never comes to that, but it might.

best wishes to you.

DeesGirl

Bblackbirdflyy,

Thanks so much, that means a lot to me. I struggle every day to walk the line between compassionate and codependent. I walked away from him for almost an entire year – moved out, dated someone else, cut him off financially and really tried to distance myself. In the end, my HP told me this is where I needed to be at this time. Maybe not tomorrow, but right now. 
It’s just frustrating because I know he bought the wine this morning and now coupled with the knowledge that he had been planning it for quite some time when we’d been doing so well with trust, etc…it’s disheartening. Not the end of the world certainly, but definitely disappointing. I really struggle with the anger/pity cycle. I want to be supportive, want him to realize he screwed up but that he can start over tomorrow, but I’m also pi$$ed. Pure and simple. I find in his particular case that it’s definitely better to remain calm – freaking out usually just exacerbates things. I know tomorrow he’ll be eaten up by guilt, I don’t need to jump on the bandwagon. I’m actually grateful at this point he’s capable of feeling guilt. Last year he wasn’t.
BTW – congrats on your sobriety! I think that every day sober is a victory. The AH has a mantra that he repeats over and over when he’s having a hard time not drinking. I’m not sure if it’s an AA thing or not, but he always says, “I’ll drink tomorrow, but not today.”
I like that. I think I need to adopt it for myself and say, “I’ll freak out tomorrow, but not today.” ;-)

nodaybut2day

Deesgirl...I'm not sure if you mentioned this but...have you gone to Al-Anon yet? In case you haven't, I'd like to gently remind you of the 3 C's of addiction:

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it

The last two really stand out for me, especially considering your situation. From where I stand, you seem to have willingly put yourself in the role of Saviour for a man who has managed to alienate friends and family due to his addiction. IMO, it's an exhausting and potentially dangerous role to take on, especially since you have children toworry about. Al-Anon would also give you the face to face support your need to find your way through this situation.

good luck. Keep posting. SR is always open.

lillamy

I've found, with the As in my life, that if I'm brutally honest with myself and peel away all the useless guilt, resentment, and shame, that I know in my heart of hearts whether they are serious about their recovery or not.

My AXH is not. He played the part while in rehab for a variety of reasons (wanting to keep his job, trying to get me to come back) but a year later, he's drinking actively (daily) again.

My old RAXBF from over 20 years ago has taken a couple of relapses a year since he first got sober about 10 years ago. Yes, a couple relapses a year. But never more than one night of drinking, and then he's back on the wagon.

In my RAXBF's case, he's in recovery with relapses. In my AXH's case, he's an actively drinking alcoholic who happened to be sober for a few months,.

When I think about it, I couldn't live with either scenario. I want my life to have a modicum of predictability -- as far as any of us can have that in our lives. In my home, I want to surround myself with people who are supportive, loving, grown-up adults or growing-up children. And as far as I have a choice, I want to keep destructive people out of my life. I can't -- I need to deal with them in work situations -- but I most definitely have the choice of who I want to live with.

And I think that's important. You're not required to ever take care of another adult human being. I spent 20 years telling myself that God must have placed AXH in my life so that I could show him what love was and give him reason to stop drinking. 20 years and three kids and a good-size mortgage in therapy bills later, I knew that was only what I was telling myself because it made me feel like I had an important God-given task in life, to save this man.

Today, as someone here said, if a man needs saving, I call the Coast Guard.

Thumper

I think you handle relapses by a) protecting yourself and your children emotionally, physically, and financially. and b) by figuring out what your boundaries are and how you will up-hold them.

Big things that are not easy to do IME. Al-anon meetings and literature, SR support, all the amazing stickies at the top, the book Co-Dependent No More, and a counselor were all things that helped me a lot when I was trying to answer the 'how and what' of those two things. My answers might not be the same as yours but that is OK.

Welcome to SR and keep reading and posting!

breakingglass

Deesgirl, its like reading my own story (w/o the kids part). i sometimes think my situation is unlike anyone else's in the world! i just got married too to my best friend....4 years ago. since then he has lost his job and is living on unemployment. the drinking is ongoing and although he went to an inpatient rehab and was sober for 3 months, it didnt' stick. he gets more and more belligerent and mean when he's drunk. he keeps believeing that he can "do it on his own".....so far without success i might add. i have control of all the money but his mother gives him cash for mowing the lawn, etc and he spends it all on booze. i'm at my wits end like you are. i love the guy and i want to help him but he doesn't want my help. he is sick of listening to me, wathing me cry, watching my nervous breakdowns and watching me pack and spend the night else where...... i am ready to throw in the towel and if you're asking what worked for me, leaving would be my best answer.....what i really want is a divorce and to move as far away from him as possible. but my conscience wont' let me do that right now.

Freedom1990

What has worked for me is I no longer have an alcoholic in my home except myself, which I am in long-term recovery (21 years).

I finally hit my codependent bottom in 1999, when my ex-fiance, a dry drunk, walked out on me and my youngest daughter.

For the first time in my life, I saw the pain in my daughter's face. I realized the impact that my poor choices had on her. She was 11 years old.

Before then, it had always been about me, and how "hurt" I was over my choices.

It was a horribly painful and yet revealing day for me.

I vowed never again to sacrifice my children (or grandchildren now) to the altar of untreated codependency because of what I think I want or who needs to be "saved" (which I know now is a pipe dream).

I've stayed true to that promise.

My daughter's pain will be forever etched in my mind.