ChristiePoe

I know it is, but I feel like I am trapped.

Pretty much every time I drink I black out and something bad happens. I have 2 DUIs, have been pulled over drunk but got away with it somehow? Crashed my car into someone else and took off (hit and run), and now have a breathalizer in it....which keeps me home because I cant start it until about 8pm after a night a binge drinking.

I can't keep a job, got fired from last one for showing up wasted then telling my boss I was going to kill myself. So I am unemployed and have turned to escorting to make money which makes me hate myself and want to die. Suicide is constantly on my mind.

Every guy I meet is just using me for sex because I am a drunken idiot that usually shows up to their house blacked out and acting ridiculous, who would respect that? I don't blame them I suppose. I can't even have meaningful relationships with my girl"friends" that treat me like **** because I have such self loath that I can't stand up for myself.

When my mom was in intensive care I showed up wasted and she died later that day.

I stabbed my ex-bf and slashed my best friends tires after a fight and she almost crashed when they popped.

the list goes ON AND ON....

I have a strong desire to get sober and I have a great sober friend that is by my side but what I am struggling with right now is that I am unemployed and have to get drunk in order to escort. I HATE IT and my only other option to make good money is to bartend (because I attend school full time and have to work nights). I don't know what to do. I know bartending will be very difficult when trying not to drink and I can't think of any other evening job that makes good money.

i'm so....confused.

littlefish

I now know I NEVER have to get drunk, for anyone or anything. You don't have to get drunk anymore.

I used to place other problems in slot number one, and think: yeah, THAT is my big problem. But, I was fooling myself because my big, number one problem was drinking.

As a fellow alcoholic, I can assure you that all our other problems in life are nothing compared to drinking. Drinking distorts, destroys and cannonballs our lives like nothing else.

When I look back on my life I see that I have never had a problem big enough to compare to my drinking problem. It was Numero Uno.

And I have had deaths in my family, physical abuse and sexual harassment, assaults, rape and victimization by crime, bankruptcy, theft by divorce, poverty and slander that ended up in court.

Still none of it compared to the grief and pain that my drinking brought into my life.

onlythetruth

Christie, littlefish is right. You do not have to drink.

And you also do not need to wait to quit drinking until you reach a place that you feel "qualifies" as "rock bottom". I say this because I have seen too damn many people die because they keep waiting...waiting...waiting 'til it gets bad enough, only to find that bad enough can mean dead. Since you've said you've considered suicide, I am afraid you might be one of those people.

You can get off this tragic merry-go-round anytime. Will it be easy? No. Will it be fun? Possibly more so than you think, although not right away.

Will it be better than your life now? Definitely.

suki44883

An addict's "bottom" doesn't have to be an event. When you finally realize that you would rather do whatever is necessary to recovery than to spend one more second as you are now living, that will be your bottom. If we all waited until our lives became worse than that of the next alcoholic, we could very well end up dead. Many people have.

Mark75

Think outside the box a little... As long as you think your only options are escorting or bartending, and that to do those jobs you have to drink... your bottom will keep getting lower...

Jail, Institutions or Death... The ultimate bottoms. Sounds like you are headed that way... DUI's, High Risk Profession, Black Outs... all that.

Get recovered. Do whatever it takes.

switchboard

Let this be your bottom. Getting out of the hole starts quitting the booze. As for school - good for you. Keep at it and do well. As for a job - would you consider cleaning at nights? I always see ads for cleaners, or you can work for yourself and clean small offices (I do, as a side job to my other part-time job). Also, fast food places, hardware stores, and a lot of other places will work with a student's schedule so that the shifts fit with what you need to attend school and keep a job. Put out a few applications and see what happens. Now is a good time, actually, because a lot of summer university employees are leaving to go back to school, and also Christmas season will be coming up shortly thereafter which means places will be looking for extra employees.

I am happy to hear that you have a sober friend - that is a wonderful thing. Sounds to me like your "life" is just beginning ... So, please, let it begin ... You can take it wherever you want it to go .. you have that power. Take charge. You can DO this.

Dee74

There is some great advice here Christie
Let what's happened til now be your bottom

You'll find a lot of advice and support here - welcome

D

ChristiePoe

Thanks so much for the kind words. I am scared that I am just kidding myself because I have been to AA twice before and the longest I have gone was 28 days. I realized that the people I was surrounding myself with pretty much made it impossible to be sober. Who I thought was my best friend turned out to be nothing more than a superficial drinking buddy. I am going to give this another go. I really don't want to but I know I HAVE to.

Thanks all

recoverywfaith

to SR.

Newtosoberlivin

welcome and I wish you the very best. I am on Day 8 and I feel better than I have in a long, long time. You can do this too!!!

cleaning jobs are a good idea, so would retail (as Xmas season is right around the corner and they are always looking for seasonal help and it can be flexible), what about waitressing? Being a server can also be flexible or done nights and weekends.

HUGS and welcome!! I hope you stay around with us!!!

Anna

I do hope you will continue to try to live a sober life.

littlefish

Christie: I can tell you from my limited experience that LA is one helluv' an AA town: you can find meetings 24/7 and anywhere you want.
When you feel the need: you will find a meeting to meet that need.
I come from a different AA experience here in Europe where we are lucky to have 30 in the room and we gotta count the cookies.
Take advantage of that great energy that is there in LA with hundreds in the room and the dynamic shares of people who have walked that walk and know exactly what you are going through. You are NOT alone.