Is it time to leave.....???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1
Is it time to leave.....???
Hello to all. I have been lurking and reading posts for two days now. The stories on here seem too familiar and I am lost right now.
I have been married for almost 13 years and all of it has been with an alcoholic husband. It took me some time to figure out what was happening but in the last two years I have been very aware of a problem. He is a functional alcoholic holding down a good job, paying bills and drinking at night. He recently went and purchased a keg to “cut down” on the cost of beer. This was after I was sick of putting out a trash can and 4 blue bins or recyclable bottles/cans. I have tried controlling, hiding, and just keeping inside the pain and bitterness but I have hit the wall now. Now reading some ALANON material I realize how very sick I am too. This past Friday he drove home from a bbq with the kids very drunk. That was it for me or so I thought….
In the midst of packing yesterday to leave he called from work and said he needed help. He told me to contact our church who gave him 2 steps to take call the AA rep and go to a meeting. They told me if he didn’t do this than he wasn’t serious. I have agreed to stay on those conditions being met. He was unable to get through yesterday to the AA rep and didn’t even look for a meeting.
My problem among many is that I have zero trust in him. He didn’t empty/get rid of the keg yesterday and I think he is doing this because he doesn’t want me to leave not because of changing. He started to get very agitated yesterday and we slept in different rooms. Am I playing the denying fool again?
Thank you for listening.
I have been married for almost 13 years and all of it has been with an alcoholic husband. It took me some time to figure out what was happening but in the last two years I have been very aware of a problem. He is a functional alcoholic holding down a good job, paying bills and drinking at night. He recently went and purchased a keg to “cut down” on the cost of beer. This was after I was sick of putting out a trash can and 4 blue bins or recyclable bottles/cans. I have tried controlling, hiding, and just keeping inside the pain and bitterness but I have hit the wall now. Now reading some ALANON material I realize how very sick I am too. This past Friday he drove home from a bbq with the kids very drunk. That was it for me or so I thought….
In the midst of packing yesterday to leave he called from work and said he needed help. He told me to contact our church who gave him 2 steps to take call the AA rep and go to a meeting. They told me if he didn’t do this than he wasn’t serious. I have agreed to stay on those conditions being met. He was unable to get through yesterday to the AA rep and didn’t even look for a meeting.
My problem among many is that I have zero trust in him. He didn’t empty/get rid of the keg yesterday and I think he is doing this because he doesn’t want me to leave not because of changing. He started to get very agitated yesterday and we slept in different rooms. Am I playing the denying fool again?
Thank you for listening.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,851
It's time to leave when you have had enough. He will have a million and one excuses why he can't get ahold of whomever or why he can't get to a meeting. Your gut knows the truth. Him driving drunk with my children in the car would be the final straw regrdless of whether he attends meetings or not. Separation doesn't have to mean divorce at this time, but keeping your kids safe should be your main focus.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
lostneeduturn, glad you found us but I'm very sorry that you had to.
Take some big breaths, calm your mind, you don't have to decide anything this minute. Read as much as you can on this site and keep posting. You can begin by thinking about yourself and what is good for you and not your husband. Please find an Al Anon meeting to go to because there you will find support and friendship. Remember you're not alone so many have walked where you are at right now and have come out on the other side and that being serenity.
Take some big breaths, calm your mind, you don't have to decide anything this minute. Read as much as you can on this site and keep posting. You can begin by thinking about yourself and what is good for you and not your husband. Please find an Al Anon meeting to go to because there you will find support and friendship. Remember you're not alone so many have walked where you are at right now and have come out on the other side and that being serenity.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
whether or not it's time to leave or to separate is really something only you can answer, based on whether or not you've had enough of this. However, it IS time to remove from your AH all responsibility pertaining to child care, seeing that he has proven that he is unworthy of any trust in this respect. He is not, under any circumstance, to care for your children since he might nose dive into that keg at any moment. God forbid anything were to happen to your children while he was intoxicated.
If I were you, I would also examine your financial situation and see about protecting your financial assets from him, or perhaps separating the finances, at least for now. There is nothing wrong with protecting oneself from an impending tornado.
If I were you, I would also examine your financial situation and see about protecting your financial assets from him, or perhaps separating the finances, at least for now. There is nothing wrong with protecting oneself from an impending tornado.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I separated from my husband when I realized that I was enabling his addiction by making life too comfortable. He kept drinking and I kept staying. He is now living in an apartment nearby and he hates it, but he still hasn't taken any action. But he is sad, lonely, sorry, angry at me, all that. I just keep telling him that actions speak louder than words. If he's truly serious about keeping our family intact, he knows what to do.
When do you draw the line? Him driving drunk with your kids is certainly a good place. They need your protection and your husband needs a good dose of reality!
When do you draw the line? Him driving drunk with your kids is certainly a good place. They need your protection and your husband needs a good dose of reality!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Originally Posted by lostneeduturn 
This past Friday he drove home from a bbq with the kids very drunk. That was it for me or so I thought….
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Please take time to read as much as you can as there is a wealth of information at your fingertips on this site.
Second this is what another poster wrote on a different thread and I thought it should be repeated here:
A boundry for me was drunk driving, which he had begun to do. I have put a breathalyzer on the car he drives and he is never allowed the keys to my car. This helps me sleep at night. If he were to drunk drive again, I would leave and divorce immediately.
No one can tell you when is the right time for you to leave.
I do feel comfortable asking - what are you doing to ensure the safety or your own (and my) children?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 43
You have received some good advise. Take the time to make sure and have a plan to protect your children ... and to protect yourself. Every situation involves different circumstances.
Unfortunately, divorcing can sometimes lead to a new set of problems - depending on your situation. Keep in mind that if you get divorced, you husband may get unsupervised custody due to major flaws in our court system and their inability to protect children from an addicted parent. As mentioned in an earlier post, do everything you can to protect yourself and your children financially as well.
Driving under the influence with kids in the car was a deal breaker for me also. It confirmed several things, first he had proven he was no longer capable of making rational decisions and was a danger to our children... and it gave me the validation I needed to set a 'no drinking' boundary for our home or when he was around our children. I ended up driving our kids everywhere from that point on except on rare occasions when I was with him and knew he was sober.
You have come to a good place. You will gain a window into the reality of what it is truly like to be in a relationship with an alcoholic and all the pitfalls, and baffling and incomprehensible behavior associated with it. The endless mind games can steal away our joy and serenity day after day, week after week ... year after year until we no longer remember who we really are. We can get caught up in a world of twisted distorted behaviors with good days with promises to change giving us false hope, followed by despair when we find out it was all a game of manipulation. This is all part of the crazy world of alcoholism.
Don't be hard on yourself, you have done nothing wrong and nearly everyone on this forum has gone through the nightmares you are experiencing. Some alcoholics find recovery and that is what we keep hoping for ... but in reality, we learn most do not.
Keep coming back to this place - a place where others understand the special challenges you face.
Unfortunately, divorcing can sometimes lead to a new set of problems - depending on your situation. Keep in mind that if you get divorced, you husband may get unsupervised custody due to major flaws in our court system and their inability to protect children from an addicted parent. As mentioned in an earlier post, do everything you can to protect yourself and your children financially as well.
Driving under the influence with kids in the car was a deal breaker for me also. It confirmed several things, first he had proven he was no longer capable of making rational decisions and was a danger to our children... and it gave me the validation I needed to set a 'no drinking' boundary for our home or when he was around our children. I ended up driving our kids everywhere from that point on except on rare occasions when I was with him and knew he was sober.
You have come to a good place. You will gain a window into the reality of what it is truly like to be in a relationship with an alcoholic and all the pitfalls, and baffling and incomprehensible behavior associated with it. The endless mind games can steal away our joy and serenity day after day, week after week ... year after year until we no longer remember who we really are. We can get caught up in a world of twisted distorted behaviors with good days with promises to change giving us false hope, followed by despair when we find out it was all a game of manipulation. This is all part of the crazy world of alcoholism.
Don't be hard on yourself, you have done nothing wrong and nearly everyone on this forum has gone through the nightmares you are experiencing. Some alcoholics find recovery and that is what we keep hoping for ... but in reality, we learn most do not.
Keep coming back to this place - a place where others understand the special challenges you face.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: boston ma
Posts: 70
Welcome! Posting on here is a good way to get honest feedback. Also, alanon is very helpful for me.
As others said, only you can decide the best path for your own life. You are obviously concerned and struggling with this. Some good advice I received early on was: if you are uncertain, do not mAke any drastic decisions. Spend time thinking- not about the drinking and fantasies of it going away. But thinking about what brings you peace and joy? Are you living life that brings you close to this? Are you filling your days with things that make you happy? You cannot make your spouse be a better partner or parent. But are you being the best parent you can possibly be? In time, you will be able to make clear decisions bAsed on what is best for you and your children.
It's very hard when all of our questioning brings us answers and realities we do not want to face. But, in time you will have all the answers, courage and strength you need. Be patient and kind with yourself.
Hugs to you. Do all you can to take care of you. Alcoholism will try to destroy all in it's path. Be strong and do not let it steal the peace of you and your kids!
As others said, only you can decide the best path for your own life. You are obviously concerned and struggling with this. Some good advice I received early on was: if you are uncertain, do not mAke any drastic decisions. Spend time thinking- not about the drinking and fantasies of it going away. But thinking about what brings you peace and joy? Are you living life that brings you close to this? Are you filling your days with things that make you happy? You cannot make your spouse be a better partner or parent. But are you being the best parent you can possibly be? In time, you will be able to make clear decisions bAsed on what is best for you and your children.
It's very hard when all of our questioning brings us answers and realities we do not want to face. But, in time you will have all the answers, courage and strength you need. Be patient and kind with yourself.
Hugs to you. Do all you can to take care of you. Alcoholism will try to destroy all in it's path. Be strong and do not let it steal the peace of you and your kids!
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