Sadness: my recovering girlfriend has let me go.
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Sadness: my recovering girlfriend has let me go.
Well, thankfully I have SR and I have Al-anon. Since a week or two ago I have been able to "detach with love" and "let go and let God." It has freed me from the fear of losing her. Still, I feel bankrupt.
It doesn't have to do with me. She needs her recovery and I understand that. She said 'I cannot make you wait any longer, it isn't fair.' We talked at length about our relationship. We had fun and we were passionate. She doesn't remember most of it but said it was very meaningful. It made me misty to hear those words. We agreed that we might rekindle it one day.
Heaviness now, its just me. I have lived in a very little town for seven years. When I met her I had plans to leave for New York City but I put them on hold. There was a spark and I said to myself, okay, give this place one last chance. Now if I feel if I go, it will scare her.
She wants to help me find a better job nearby in San Francisco or even locally. She may want to keep me.
I just don't know. Now she's texting me. Trying to make it easy on me. I just keep thinking of these lines from a Dylan song.
He woke up the room was bare
He didn't see her anywhere
He told himself he didn't care pushed the window open wide
Felt an emptiness inside to which he just could not relate
Brought on by a simple twist of fate.
It doesn't have to do with me. She needs her recovery and I understand that. She said 'I cannot make you wait any longer, it isn't fair.' We talked at length about our relationship. We had fun and we were passionate. She doesn't remember most of it but said it was very meaningful. It made me misty to hear those words. We agreed that we might rekindle it one day.
Heaviness now, its just me. I have lived in a very little town for seven years. When I met her I had plans to leave for New York City but I put them on hold. There was a spark and I said to myself, okay, give this place one last chance. Now if I feel if I go, it will scare her.
She wants to help me find a better job nearby in San Francisco or even locally. She may want to keep me.
I just don't know. Now she's texting me. Trying to make it easy on me. I just keep thinking of these lines from a Dylan song.
He woke up the room was bare
He didn't see her anywhere
He told himself he didn't care pushed the window open wide
Felt an emptiness inside to which he just could not relate
Brought on by a simple twist of fate.
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Your fate is in your hands. Do not let someone else decide it for you. If NYC is where you want to be, then go! If your paths are meant to cross again, it will happen. Trying to force the outcome of life never worked for me. I find it's better to go with the flow than fight against it.
Sadness is but one of the myriad of emotions we humans feel. They are like waves washing over us. Sometimes the waves are gentle and pleasant. Sometimes they are powerful and violent. We can't stop the tide, but we can remain grounded and let them pass.
L
Sadness is but one of the myriad of emotions we humans feel. They are like waves washing over us. Sometimes the waves are gentle and pleasant. Sometimes they are powerful and violent. We can't stop the tide, but we can remain grounded and let them pass.
L
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I just want to be swept away by that tide. For years now I have been fighting it through fear. Life right now is comfortable. It was so easy to let myself love her. I'll never forget the afternoon that I fell asleep with her watching a movie and she covered me up. She was hiding it from me then. She was so happy when I asked her to be my girlfriend that she was jumping on the bed. I'm going to miss all of those sweet moments. I'm getting misty.
Moving scares me: no job lined up; no money; starting over; big city. I want to hold onto my beautiful girlfriend and watch movies all night. Those nights aren't coming back and only I am the one with those memories. Also good riddance to them. If she wasn't such a drunk.. she would have been perfect.
Moving scares me: no job lined up; no money; starting over; big city. I want to hold onto my beautiful girlfriend and watch movies all night. Those nights aren't coming back and only I am the one with those memories. Also good riddance to them. If she wasn't such a drunk.. she would have been perfect.
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Originally Posted by rorty 
If she wasn't such a drunk.. she would have been perfect.
Hang in there, rorty. There is good living ahead around the corner, but for now you have to just surrender to living one day at a time and keeping up your alanon and SR support systems.
When I was 20 and carefree, I worked in a Birkenstock shoe store selling sandals.
Above the bathroom door was a bumpersticker: The Universe Always Answers YES.
I often pondered the meaning of that phrase. What did the yes part mean?
Over time I've grown to feel that it means that the universe will take care of us. It says yes; we just have to ask the right questions.
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Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits
Over time I've grown to feel that it means that the universe will take care of us. It says yes; we just have to ask the right questions.
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Taking a little trip always gives me perspective. Getting away helps me be objective about my stuff. I go camping in the mts. or go to the beach. I read over my journals. I learned to meditate. (quiet my head)......go out in the country.....in the woods....I am better 4 yrs. post divorce...Yeah my AXH was perfect too besides being a quacking, addict, immature, irresponsible, manipulating, abusive, lying, DRUNK. At first I was 97% sad. Now I am 97% serene.
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(((rorty))) Making any decision when you're hurting is adding a whole level of difficulty to the thing in my experience. Her telling you to move your entire life to SF for her because then "she may want to keep me" is a pretty big red flag IMHO.
Without considering the demands/expectations of others.....what do you want to do? What will be best for you in the long run?
I'm really sorry you are hurting, and hope that you will find some peaceful, restful moments to make the best decision you can for your life.
Hugs, HG
Without considering the demands/expectations of others.....what do you want to do? What will be best for you in the long run?
I'm really sorry you are hurting, and hope that you will find some peaceful, restful moments to make the best decision you can for your life.
Hugs, HG
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@hydrogirl - its not that literal. She just wants me to stay in her life as a friend for now. We live in a small town. It's hard for her to fathom big changes or city life, even for me. Last night I was feeling really let down and musing the possibilities of getting out of here.
I was able to get some sleep and I feel a little better. I woke up early for work this morning and wanted to go back to bed. I caught myself and was able to iron out my emotions. I cannot defer my pain or run away from my fears. I have to let these feelings pass. I need time. I need to be realistic about where I let life take me.
I have never been good with break ups. I led myself to believe that our relationship was evenly matched. Her thoughts and feelings went unspoken unless she was drunk. I believed that her love for me was below the surface. We had some wonderful talks about spending our lives together and having kids. She is the first girl who I have ever felt that way about. Maybe it was the liquor talking.
My friend who is a recovering alcoholic pointed out that she has lost a sense of the "glue" that held us together because, as a drunk, she was "going with the flow," being emotionally present but not mindful of her actions. This includes choosing to be in a relationship.
I'm not sure which is more painful to hear: that I believed what I wanted to believe, that we could work, that her words and actions were real. Or that I met a girl who has a disease, became a part of that disease, and when she got sober she let me go. I was debris caught in a tornado.
She kept saying that she needs to make right with people. I kept asking myself: what about me? Don't you think this has hurt me too? Someone at Al-anon told me that this relationship is real because I cared enough to show up at Al-anon. You have no idea how much I want to believe that it was. But I can only speak for myself.
I was able to get some sleep and I feel a little better. I woke up early for work this morning and wanted to go back to bed. I caught myself and was able to iron out my emotions. I cannot defer my pain or run away from my fears. I have to let these feelings pass. I need time. I need to be realistic about where I let life take me.
I have never been good with break ups. I led myself to believe that our relationship was evenly matched. Her thoughts and feelings went unspoken unless she was drunk. I believed that her love for me was below the surface. We had some wonderful talks about spending our lives together and having kids. She is the first girl who I have ever felt that way about. Maybe it was the liquor talking.
My friend who is a recovering alcoholic pointed out that she has lost a sense of the "glue" that held us together because, as a drunk, she was "going with the flow," being emotionally present but not mindful of her actions. This includes choosing to be in a relationship.
I'm not sure which is more painful to hear: that I believed what I wanted to believe, that we could work, that her words and actions were real. Or that I met a girl who has a disease, became a part of that disease, and when she got sober she let me go. I was debris caught in a tornado.
She kept saying that she needs to make right with people. I kept asking myself: what about me? Don't you think this has hurt me too? Someone at Al-anon told me that this relationship is real because I cared enough to show up at Al-anon. You have no idea how much I want to believe that it was. But I can only speak for myself.
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Originally Posted by rorty
She kept saying that she needs to make right with people. I kept asking myself: what about me? Don't you think this has hurt me too?
I was too raw to run right out and apologize to everyone, and that certainly isn't recommended in AA!
I suggest you take a look at your expectations of her at this time.
She will repair what damage she feels she needs to repair when the time is right.
It took the guidance of a sponsor for me to start making amends, and that was several months into recovery.
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Originally Posted by rorty
She kept saying that she needs to make right with people. I kept asking myself: what about me? Don't you think this has hurt me too?
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I am sorry for the rough time you are having.
It will help to try and stay absolutely in the present. It is so easy to keep asking "what did it all mean?" but the answer may be elusive and I hope you grieve and move on without waiting for it.
However, that doesn't mean you have to decide yes or no to NYC or San Fran. today, or even tomorrow. You'll make a better decision if it isn't an instant reaction to the break up, I think.
Whether she was present or participating fully, or as engaged as you, with or without the alcohol, isn't as important as the fact that you felt all the emotions that you felt and they were real to you. And now the season with her has passed.
I suspect her talk re you working locally or San Fran. may be her trying to let you down as gently as she is able. I think she had genuine emotion for you, maybe not to the same depth, and she realizes she has to focus only on herself and her recovery now, and being basically a nice person she wants to let you down gently, but let you down all the same. Your future plans should be based on your hopes and dreams and without considering her, her recovery, her future.
Please go on, without hopes of rebuilding this relationship. If she is to be in your life down the road, let it be an accidental bonus on top of the wonderful life you have built for yourself.
Wishing you all the best.
It will help to try and stay absolutely in the present. It is so easy to keep asking "what did it all mean?" but the answer may be elusive and I hope you grieve and move on without waiting for it.
However, that doesn't mean you have to decide yes or no to NYC or San Fran. today, or even tomorrow. You'll make a better decision if it isn't an instant reaction to the break up, I think.
Whether she was present or participating fully, or as engaged as you, with or without the alcohol, isn't as important as the fact that you felt all the emotions that you felt and they were real to you. And now the season with her has passed.
I suspect her talk re you working locally or San Fran. may be her trying to let you down as gently as she is able. I think she had genuine emotion for you, maybe not to the same depth, and she realizes she has to focus only on herself and her recovery now, and being basically a nice person she wants to let you down gently, but let you down all the same. Your future plans should be based on your hopes and dreams and without considering her, her recovery, her future.
Please go on, without hopes of rebuilding this relationship. If she is to be in your life down the road, let it be an accidental bonus on top of the wonderful life you have built for yourself.
Wishing you all the best.
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Hi rorty,
I am sorry you are hurting,
Do you still have plans to go to NY? If so, maybe its time to do what you wanted in the first place.
I had an ex boyfriend, alcoholic, he is still active for all I know.
My pain was the worst I have felt after we broke up (surprisingly still is, sometimes, after 3 years) and he is still in denial.
I have learned.. with alcoholics... only after they are well into their recovery and make amends and change as a person (not only their drinking habits)... there will always be pain, hurt, broken promises, let downs....
That is why I had to stay away no matter what the guy did. I always, ALWAYS felt miserable, confused, did not know what the truth was anymore. I got tired of feeling hurt, and invisible.
Go after your dreams dear rorty. Go to Alanon, seek counseling...
I DID move to another city to be with this XABF. I got a good job here and I stayed, and I am starting to like this city, but if I can give some advice, is never move somewhere else just because of someone else. Never do anything at all just because someone else wants. Even when I did had a job I liked, it sucked to be at a new place without friends nor family and not counting with the guy anymore.
I truly believe alcoholics (and many people who are not) take hostages they do not have partners.
Now that you have freedom to think about yourself, your plans, regroup, remember what YOU enjoy, meet new people, etc... you are getting a new chance, getting stronger. Some people donŽt like it, when you get stronger and remember who you are. They would rather take you away from your environment, because youŽll be vulnerable somewhere else, without sources of support immediately available, and that makes the perfect hostage, someone willing to cling to what they know... them. Thus they can keep drinking or treat you like a doormat and there you are because you are too afraid, or lonely, and there are no loved ones to hug you and tell you you are worth more, believe in you, offer feedback to validate your experience....
Its very toxic, when someone selfishly wants you around instead of thinking of what would make YOU happy.. and when someone lets this selfish person drag them around. I do not recommend this. I got wrinkles, health issues, became bitter and depressed.
Anyway now I am single and I LOVE LIFE! I also remembered how much I love the Nordic countries and planning to get my degree. Because I deserve it. I deserve going after my dreams and so do you, regardless of what anyone else thinks or does.
The EX got someone else right away, she is someone from outside the city without friends or family here. They moved in soon also. A hostage. Turns out the EX was not the helpless, lonely misunderstood guy he showed. He was very resourceful, selfish, and no I was not that special to him anyway, as long as someone was around to drink with him, he is OK. And its fine by me. His actions are no longer important in how I live my day, thank God.
Thou shall think for thyself.
Can I suggest "codependent no more" by Melody Beatty..?
I am sorry you are hurting,
Do you still have plans to go to NY? If so, maybe its time to do what you wanted in the first place.
I had an ex boyfriend, alcoholic, he is still active for all I know.
My pain was the worst I have felt after we broke up (surprisingly still is, sometimes, after 3 years) and he is still in denial.
I have learned.. with alcoholics... only after they are well into their recovery and make amends and change as a person (not only their drinking habits)... there will always be pain, hurt, broken promises, let downs....
That is why I had to stay away no matter what the guy did. I always, ALWAYS felt miserable, confused, did not know what the truth was anymore. I got tired of feeling hurt, and invisible.
Go after your dreams dear rorty. Go to Alanon, seek counseling...
I DID move to another city to be with this XABF. I got a good job here and I stayed, and I am starting to like this city, but if I can give some advice, is never move somewhere else just because of someone else. Never do anything at all just because someone else wants. Even when I did had a job I liked, it sucked to be at a new place without friends nor family and not counting with the guy anymore.
I truly believe alcoholics (and many people who are not) take hostages they do not have partners.
Now that you have freedom to think about yourself, your plans, regroup, remember what YOU enjoy, meet new people, etc... you are getting a new chance, getting stronger. Some people donŽt like it, when you get stronger and remember who you are. They would rather take you away from your environment, because youŽll be vulnerable somewhere else, without sources of support immediately available, and that makes the perfect hostage, someone willing to cling to what they know... them. Thus they can keep drinking or treat you like a doormat and there you are because you are too afraid, or lonely, and there are no loved ones to hug you and tell you you are worth more, believe in you, offer feedback to validate your experience....
Its very toxic, when someone selfishly wants you around instead of thinking of what would make YOU happy.. and when someone lets this selfish person drag them around. I do not recommend this. I got wrinkles, health issues, became bitter and depressed.
Anyway now I am single and I LOVE LIFE! I also remembered how much I love the Nordic countries and planning to get my degree. Because I deserve it. I deserve going after my dreams and so do you, regardless of what anyone else thinks or does.
The EX got someone else right away, she is someone from outside the city without friends or family here. They moved in soon also. A hostage. Turns out the EX was not the helpless, lonely misunderstood guy he showed. He was very resourceful, selfish, and no I was not that special to him anyway, as long as someone was around to drink with him, he is OK. And its fine by me. His actions are no longer important in how I live my day, thank God.
Thou shall think for thyself.
Can I suggest "codependent no more" by Melody Beatty..?
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Many wonderful, insightful comments on here.
I accept this break up and I have no expectations for us. I love her and I hope she stays in touch. As for me, I am better in a no contact role than as a friend. I do keep in mind that if she wants me back in the future she will find a way to make it happen. This is our second time breaking up. It has never been an issue of 'us' or 'me,' she is releasing me from the long road ahead. We did this prior to detox. We got back together because she said she wanted me to be part of her recovery. But we all know that recovery doesn't work that way.
So that leaves me to focus on my life. What did I get out of this experience? I grew up a lot. I'm proud to say for once I was a loyal, loving, caring, providing man. Before I understood what she has, I would care for her. I would make her coffee in the morning, fix her flat tires, bring her lunch, be a shoulder to cry on, and help her get a job; i just helped her get a job yesterday. I was a really good guy. I gave her everything I had and asked for nothing in return. I know that I played a part in her wanting detox. It was real, as much as it could be.
This process has changed me. I have learned what it means to man up, through fear and doubt and uncertainty, and to give love to someone unconditionally simply because she inspires me.
I'm sitting in the sun, breathing fresh air and freedom. Maybe one of the only things she can give to me. Whatever happens babe, you will always have a place in my heart.
Rorty
I accept this break up and I have no expectations for us. I love her and I hope she stays in touch. As for me, I am better in a no contact role than as a friend. I do keep in mind that if she wants me back in the future she will find a way to make it happen. This is our second time breaking up. It has never been an issue of 'us' or 'me,' she is releasing me from the long road ahead. We did this prior to detox. We got back together because she said she wanted me to be part of her recovery. But we all know that recovery doesn't work that way.
So that leaves me to focus on my life. What did I get out of this experience? I grew up a lot. I'm proud to say for once I was a loyal, loving, caring, providing man. Before I understood what she has, I would care for her. I would make her coffee in the morning, fix her flat tires, bring her lunch, be a shoulder to cry on, and help her get a job; i just helped her get a job yesterday. I was a really good guy. I gave her everything I had and asked for nothing in return. I know that I played a part in her wanting detox. It was real, as much as it could be.
This process has changed me. I have learned what it means to man up, through fear and doubt and uncertainty, and to give love to someone unconditionally simply because she inspires me.
I'm sitting in the sun, breathing fresh air and freedom. Maybe one of the only things she can give to me. Whatever happens babe, you will always have a place in my heart.
Rorty
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Yep, my husband is tall, dark and handsome---best thing that I did was just be his friend when he was in recovery and relapsing--and we did need some time apart and a separation in our marriage to really figure out what we really needed. My husband has a special place in my heart too.
I am very lucky that my inlaws and his family really like me a lot and that they are very involved with his recovery from alcoholism--let's just say that my husband's father--he is a dad and he wants the best for my husband, his son--I am amazed what his father has done for him.
Meanwhile, as the wife/partner, I set the boundaries for a healthy relationship for myself--if you want to stay married with me--you will need to be sober and have a job.
It is hard not knowing what is going to happen in the future. Five years from now, you could either be with someone else who makes you more happy and she is just as beautiful--and you have a healthy relationship. Or in time, both of you could really be in a better place for a long term commitment.
I am very lucky that my inlaws and his family really like me a lot and that they are very involved with his recovery from alcoholism--let's just say that my husband's father--he is a dad and he wants the best for my husband, his son--I am amazed what his father has done for him.
Meanwhile, as the wife/partner, I set the boundaries for a healthy relationship for myself--if you want to stay married with me--you will need to be sober and have a job.
It is hard not knowing what is going to happen in the future. Five years from now, you could either be with someone else who makes you more happy and she is just as beautiful--and you have a healthy relationship. Or in time, both of you could really be in a better place for a long term commitment.
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Originally Posted by rorty
Many wonderful, insightful comments on here.
So that leaves me to focus on my life. What did I get out of this experience? I grew up a lot. I'm proud to say for once I was a loyal, loving, caring, providing man. Before I understood what she has, I would care for her. I would make her coffee in the morning, fix her flat tires, bring her lunch, be a shoulder to cry on, and help her get a job; i just helped her get a job yesterday. I was a really good guy. I gave her everything I had and asked for nothing in return. I know that I played a part in her wanting detox. It was real, as much as it could be.
This process has changed me. I have learned what it means to man up, through fear and doubt and uncertainty, and to give love to someone unconditionally simply because she inspires me.
Rorty
So that leaves me to focus on my life. What did I get out of this experience? I grew up a lot. I'm proud to say for once I was a loyal, loving, caring, providing man. Before I understood what she has, I would care for her. I would make her coffee in the morning, fix her flat tires, bring her lunch, be a shoulder to cry on, and help her get a job; i just helped her get a job yesterday. I was a really good guy. I gave her everything I had and asked for nothing in return. I know that I played a part in her wanting detox. It was real, as much as it could be.
This process has changed me. I have learned what it means to man up, through fear and doubt and uncertainty, and to give love to someone unconditionally simply because she inspires me.
Rorty
You sound like a great guy, especially considering you are a shoulder to cry on. My husband is great as well for giving me hugs and just being my friend when I need it. And my husband counters me better than anyone else, and I counter him as well.
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And now it's time to let her go, and let yourself go too... wherever it is you want to go. it can't possibly be worse, and with the right attitude on your part and learning from the experience it will likely be better.
Don't wallow in the romance and pain of it-- drama is drama. I used to revel in it too.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
Don't wallow in the romance and pain of it-- drama is drama. I used to revel in it too.
Good luck.
Cyranoak
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Originally Posted by PrettyViolets
Just want to give some insight as a woman as well---if I feel like a man loves me more than I love him--then it is not easy for me to completely fall in love with a guy. My husband does not get me coffee--I do not even give him coffee in the morning. He did not fix my flat tires. I just went Sears. He did not bring me lunch--I am a big girl, I can get my own lunch. And I was able to get my own job, and my husband was able to get his own job on his own without help from.
Those meaningful gestures: coffee, feeding the cat, taking out her garbage turned into care giving. I never felt unthanked, unloved, or unappreciated. If I wasn't around to help her in the morning she probably would have faced termination. In retrospect I have learned how to avoid this trap.
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I made it through the work day. She texted me a few times with cute things. Mainly to see if I was okay and thank me for the new job I helped her secure. She is working down the street now at a little shop we like. I didn't go in. She said it will help us stay in touch. I want our love to work but I know that it cannot right now. In my own sorrowful way I have to slowly back away. I haven't thought about her much today. The pain is too paralyzing.
I keep wondering What is it about this girl that I love so much? The fun times when I let her in and she let me in and we shared a little bliss and a little love and it felt like it was meant to be.
Thank you guys and please keep the feedback coming. It helps so much.
Rorty
I keep wondering What is it about this girl that I love so much? The fun times when I let her in and she let me in and we shared a little bliss and a little love and it felt like it was meant to be.
Thank you guys and please keep the feedback coming. It helps so much.
Rorty
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Location: Seattle, WA
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Originally Posted by rorty
I think it's probably different for every relationship. Those are actions of love and affection. My XRAGF is not a "big girl." She was a 22-year old alcoholic that could not take responsibility for her life while she was drinking; she was a child. When she told me that she was an alcoholic the puzzle came together.
Those meaningful gestures: coffee, feeding the cat, taking out her garbage turned into care giving. I never felt unthanked, unloved, or unappreciated. If I wasn't around to help her in the morning she probably would have faced termination. In retrospect I have learned how to avoid this trap.
Those meaningful gestures: coffee, feeding the cat, taking out her garbage turned into care giving. I never felt unthanked, unloved, or unappreciated. If I wasn't around to help her in the morning she probably would have faced termination. In retrospect I have learned how to avoid this trap.
I would just be careful to avoid the trap.
Just be her friend, and keep good boundaries with her. And take care of yourself first. I know it can be painful when a relationship does not work out--and you keep thinking--I did all of these wonderful things--why did this relationship not work out--and the real truth that I have always learned if I put more into a relationship than someone else then it did hurt more if the relationship did not work out.
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Sometimes when we care about someone sooo much we don't want to see the red flags. Or we see them and casually brush by them thinking they won't come back at us. Sadly they eventually do. There is an idealized relationship and reality. The reality is coming at you and it hurts. Trust me I am in the same boat but the pain becomes like a scab, it heals for a bit, I pick at it and it bleeds. Heal first from this experience. Heal from the pain of loving someone who couldn't give you what you needed. It is as simple as that. Sounds like the parting was amicable. So that is good. Heal though before you venture down friendship road. You'll find you may not be able to get to that part for some time.
Be very very good to yourself through this... my thoughts are with ya.
Be very very good to yourself through this... my thoughts are with ya.
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