NotSoSmart

My son started school this week... its an adjustment for every kid but he has issues and he ramped up early this year. I've already had to go to a meeting with the teacher, moved up his doctor's appt to this Friday and will have to go in next week to meet with the "team" at the school to fix his ineffective behavior plan. If things don't change its a matter of when he'll be suspended and for how long, not if.

Stress city. I've cried 2x in the past week on my hour long commute to work. Monday I was late b/c of a meltdown... I broke down that day too and just haven't been able to put myself back together.

I am finding myself having thoughts I know are irrational, but still I found myself thinking *I* want to go to rehab! Logically I know the life of addiction is not a path anyone would choose, but the irrational part of me really envies my AGF b/c she is insulated in this little world for 90 days where all she needs to do is work on herself. She's isolated from the stress of the outside world I have to face every day.

I know this is stress.. in the past I thought it would be nice to go to jail b/c maybe I'll have a break and have time to read a book. Irrational but true! :O

Before I met my AGF I was a single parent for years. The ex dipped out early and I've had sole responsibility for my boy ever since. He's always had problems in school with behavior from an early age and I've been dealing with this for 7 years now alone. I think that is what hit me... I'm alone when I'm supposed to have a partner who can help out when I'm burnt out and I'm feeling resentment that my life is not that way.

She called today to ask about something. She could tell I wasn't myself and asked if I was OK. I didn't lie, I said "no, but I know we can't talk about it" b/c she's only allowed calls for certain reasons and not to chat. She said "yeah I know" and ended the call. I haven't felt so lonely in a long time.

Anyway I am feeling burnt out, stressed out and envious that AGF gets to spend her time contemplating her navel while the real world has to be attended to (by me). I'm not sure if that is a normal part of the process, or if I am actually going nutso :P

Thanks for the vent... I do plan on going to a meeting this week on Friday. I always feel better going out than i did going in.

NotSoSmart

oops, meant to say he started school LAST week, not this week!

LifeRecovery

I can feel your pain, and have no words or direct ESH to share, but wanted to know you were heard.

I can related to those "fantasies" however.

I say keep sharing, for me keeping it in only makes it worse...or makes it come out sideways.

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry that you're feeling overwhelmed. I understand those thoughts that you are having. Are they irrational? Sure. But I think we all have them sometimes in one form or another when we just feel that the weight of the world is on our back. This sounds insane but I have a condition that lands me in the hospital with raging infections every 2-3 years. Those hospital stays feel like a "vacation" sometimes. I'm near death and feel like "whew" I can finally shut down for a while. How insane is that!?! (I'm working on that;-)

The best way that I have found to overcome those feelings and relieve stress is through meditation, prayer (I talk to HP alot), meetings, and a gratitude list. I know that these things take time and right now you don't feel like you have any of that to yourself. My children are grown and out of the house so I do have time for those things now. But I also get up quite early and make it a priority in my life so that I can have that time to myself to breathe and let my problems go and allow God to handle the share that I have no control over.

I wish I could give you a gentle hug in person.

ke

cece1960

(((NSS)))
I think those thoughts ( as long as they stay as just thoughts) are quite rational under the circumstances. Impractical maybe, but given the position you are in I'd say anyone would feel that they need a break.

There are resources out there for the single parent who's feeling overwhelmed. Maybe there's something in your area that could help you out? I'm not sure how old your child is, but there comes a time when we have to let certain things that are out of our control go, even when dealing with our kids. Of course with the younger ones that is not so practical but as they get older, we have to put some of the responsibility on them.

Just know that we are here and understand your need to vent...vent away anytime

ThatLittleGirl

I'm so sorry you're having to manage all this stress on your own. I understand the feelings of resentment. I too thought many times when my exah would resign from his job and enter IOP how unfair it all felt. Why is it I was always having to be responsible and he gets to walk away from the mess he creates and start all over.

Life just isn't fair. Sometimes that quote is a lot easier to swallow than others, I know. Ultimately, you have to make the best decisions you can for you and your son. I agree, a meeting will make you feel infinitely better. Truthfully, you may never be able to lean on your agf in the way you would a partner who isn't an addict. She may always be unreliable. I'm not saying that's a foregone conclusion, but that is a possibility, and it's something you may want to consider.

I wish you the best, and will pray for you and your son! It's a difficult path being a single parent...but I've found, one day at a time is easiest. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Freedom1990

I raised two daughters by myself for the most part starting in 1986. There were days I did cry because I was so weary of doing it all by myself. Daughter #1's father lived two hours away, and didn't have time for her. Daughter #2's father only lived 35 miles away, but was non-existent in her life.

Who is to say I'm supposed to have a partner? No one. I had to buck up and realize it was all up to me, and do the best with what I had.

I understand your frustration and exhaustion. How is your conscious contact with your higher power? Your son can also sense you being off balance and feed off of that.

My sponsor often reminded me that my kids were a good gauge of where I was at in my recovery. When I was struggling, they were bouncing off the walls.

When I was solid and had a good conscious contact with my higher power, things were much more manageable.

I hope you are able to take some time to "recharge" and find your balance. Sending you hugs of support!

catlovermi

There are two major pathways to bonding: trauma, and fun. It sounds like your son has definitely had trauma in life. Can you structure (i.e., re-engineer) your life toward a fun-based bond?

Trauma bonding often sets off a course toward dysfunctionality, whereas fun bonding often sets the foundation for much healthier coping.

Many times, kids act out because they feel adrift, a lack of meaningful bonding in their life, a theme of abandonment emotionally.

Just some thoughts...

CLMI

JMFburns

I can so relate to your wish to go to rehab . . . when my son was in active addiction and I was struggling with my own recovery from codependency and enabling, I wished, prayed, fantasized about a way out, a rehab for me, etc. If my health plan had only covered rehab for codependency, I would have checked myself in in a heartbeat.

AND the times at shouted at the empty walls "I wasn't supposed to be doing this alone." Man, I remember that struggle as well.

I am so sorry the weight of it all is feeling heavy for you right now. Keep posting and get to a meeting, it helps to recharge.

I went to 2 meetings a week, AlAnon and NarAnon and logged on to SR every day. I talked alot to my HP, in my head, out loud, etc. A story a young sister of an addict told in one of my meetings helped me to realize I cannot take on the weight of the world. I couldn't 'kill' myself in the struggle to save my son. I'm not going to be here (on this earth) forever and when I'm gone he'd have to take care of himself so . . . I'd better start letting him do that now! Let go . . .

hello-kitty

Catlovermi:

I'm assuming this isn't something that you came up with, right? Is it a theory of child development? I'm very curious about it. Do you have any information or links to sights that might reference or describe this in more detail?

catlovermi

Actually, this is my distillation of thoughts, observations, and experiences in life. Every time I revisit the theme, I come up with the same thing!

CLMI

NotSoSmart

Thank you all for kind words and support, it helps.

I was late for work again today b/c of a meltdown but on the positive side his behavior at school today was perfect. Incidentally my AGF called me this morning just as I dropped the boy off and I kind of disintegrated into a blubbering mess. However, I felt a little better and supported (in the best and only way she can right now and that's OK).

In regards to a gratitude list... Monday when I started on my way to work I had to wait b/c there was a parade of fire trucks screaming down the road. Lots of them, and big ones. I thought to myself, "someone is having a worse day than me".

I am en route to making some positive changes that will make things infinitely better, its just a matter of patience. My alcoholic mother will be moving any day now into her own apartment. She tends to instigate and fan the flames of my son's anger instead of helping to diffuse. When she moves I will be able to telecommute, saving me infinite amounts of time, gas, and energy. I used to have more free time with my son but with the brutal commute in the heat (it was 115 today) there's no energy left at the end of a work day. Plus, he used to do sports which I'll be able to do again w/o the commute. He really wants to do Cub Scouts and I was going to say no b/c of his behavior issues, but maybe I'll let him give it a shot. He needs *something*.

I am working on the whole HP thing. It hasn't clicked for me yet. I'm still working on step one. I commit myself to attending one meeting a week, rotating Al Anon and Nar Anon. I tried to make 2 but the way the meetings are scheduled I don't get home until after his bedtime.

I'd still like to sneak off on my own this weekend, but realize that's probably not going to happen. At least I'm no longer fantasizing about jail.

hello-kitty

Sometimes the best we can come up with is "I'm grateful my house isn't burning down." But hey! It's a start and it's something. And an attitude gratitude seems to beget more gratitude somehow.

That said, I am sorry your son is struggling so much and I hope things improve drastically and soon for both of you. He is blessed to have a mom that is capable of taking care of him like you do.

hello-kitty

By the way, I'm a den mother and cub scouts may be perfect for your son. It is designed to teach children to stick with things and never give up. It teaches responsibility, character development and personal fitness through fun group activities.

The first thing he will have to do is learn the law of the pack: I promise to do my duty to God (god is a higher power here - it's NOT a religious organization) and my country, to help others and to obey the law of the pack (and the pack is his family). And those ideas are constantly reinforced through every activity. It's also a great opportunity for you to do fun things and go on fun adventures together. I was shocked at how many mothers are involved in cub scouts. Even healthy fathers can be pretty lazy when it comes to their kids. It'll be good for both of you.

Why not let him sign up and see how it goes? It can be used as positive reinforcement instead of negative. And he may get alot out of it.

NotSoSmart

He was very excited when I told him I'd changed my mind about Cub Scouts. I also told him that his behavior would be up to him, and if he made bad choices that resulted in his not being able to participate, that would be up to him too (detachment with love lol).

I must say I'm a little intimidated by the whole den mother thing... I've camped a grand total of once in my life and got bitten by ants, peed on my sock and frightened by a herd of something stomping by the truck in the fog in the middle of the night. I'm kind of an "indoor girl"!

hello-kitty

Just to put your scouting concerns to rest: You don't have to take the boys camping to be a den leader. My role is mostly organizing the meetings, ordering patches, setting up field trips to the fire station, museums, sporting events etc, and sending emails to parents. The Scouting Organization sets up the camping trips etc.

I'm glad you are signing him up. It's a great opportunity for him to have some positive, empowering experiences!

Kindeyes

The pictures in my mind created by this totally cracked me up. It was a comedy short in my little mind. Thanks for sharing! There are three things for your gratitude list! Today I will be grateful for bug spray, clean socks and no unidentified creatures lurking about. Gratitude can start small and grow into a daily attitude!

Glad you're letting your son get into scouting. I wish I had encouraged my son to do so. I think he could have gotten a lot out of it.

gentle hugs
ke