Shatoosh

So yesterday was 4 weeks since I've seen my xAGF. According to her she has been getting help and has been sober for 3 weeks. She says she is doing it for her, which is good to hear. She says that she feels good and is happy. She wasn't a daily drinker but when she drank I was never sure if she would be fine or the monster would come out.

We were together for about 8 years so I have a lot of time invested and a very strong love for her. There were times during our relationship that I thought she would be my wife and the mother to my future children. There were also times that I just felt like I couldn't deal with all the crap anymore. After several bad months and nothing getting better I decided to move out. I then took a vacation to figure out what I wanted. During my vacation I decided that it would be best for us to go separate ways. Even thought I wanted to go separate ways we were still in contact. I just can't sallow the idea of not talking to her ever again.

This past weekend I was feeling down so I figured no harm in seeing her after 4 weeks. A lot of a motions came back. She looked great, we had a great talk and she thanked me for leaving because it was a wake up call that she needs help. She says that she knows she can't drink anymore and that she has been attending a couple AA meetings a week. During the conversation she also said that I should move back in. My heart says go for it, my brain says don't fall for it. To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure I'm strong enough to be there for her if I did move back in. I'm not sure if my worrying and not knowing what's next would be good for her this early in her recovery. My heart is so split because like most people post on here, when they aren't drunk they are the most beautiful and awesome person. All our fights are because of the drinking. I would love to hear some advice or similar situations but I guess I'm also venting.

stepsforward

Take it slow. Think of yourself first

dollydo

No rush to do anything on your part. I am glad that she is sober, however, four weeks is but a drop in the bucket. Way too soon to tell which way she will go. She has a long hard journey ahead of her, allow her to walk it, she needs to be as focused on her recovery as she was on her alcoholism.

My exabf could not drink for a month or so, however, it never stuck and when he hit the bottle again, it was much worse than before.

If she ever gets a year of soberity under her belt and is still working her recovery program, you might consider hooking back up with her, before that time frame, I would stay out of her way.

Just my two cents.

Freedom1990

I agree with the above posters, no need to rush into anything, and as Anvil said, she's only 4 weeks away from being that nasty drunk.

Recovery is hard work, and a month isn't much in the big picture. Time will tell if she's serious.

Continue to take care of yourself, and leave her to her recovery!

Shatoosh

You are all correct. She needs to help herself and recover and I also need to find myself again. It's hard and I don't think I'm ready for no contact. But I know I need to pull a way somewhat. If I go back now and the ugly drunk returns then it's going to be even harder to walk away. There are trust issues so I'm not 100% sure if she is telling me the truth about not drinking. I want to believe her but only time will tell. As expected she is saying all the right things. I want to believe that she is doing what she needs to do. Today she woke up sad so she went to a meeting. That is great to hear. That's how it's suppose to work. I just hope she can continue on this path and we can some day be together. I have success stories all around me, I just hope that we can be one of them. I also have failed stories and I know I don't want that. I don't want to give up on our faith to be together but I need to be strong not to push what I want so bad. Over time maybe it will happen maybe it wouldn't. Thank you all for listening and I love the feed back.

Shatoosh

Well I'm continuing to struggle without her. I'm still on a roller coaster and I'm not even with her. Now my roller coaster is, do I get back with her and see how things go or do I continue to miss her and move on with my life. I think the reason I'm thinking of moving back home is because the lease is up at the end of the September and part of me thinks that I have to give it one more chance. If she moves out and I move into my own place we will never be together again (which might or might not be true). I'm also worried that if I don't live with her now how will I know if she really stopped drinking. But I also know it will be even harder to leave if she starts to drink again. I'm in my young 30s and this is my first real break up so it's 10x times harder.

I look back over the 7 years and I know I gave it many chances. After a nightmare of a night we would cried together, I would read her letters about how I felt but I never follow through and left her. She would stop drinking for a week and slowly get back into it. This time I really left and I think she realizes what she is missing. This back and forth mind game sucks!! Does anyone have anything to say to help me? Does anyone have success or failed stories about giving their alcoholic one more chance?

OnMyWay11

Shatoosh

I gave it many, many chances. Each time I 'thought' it would work THIS time and things would get better. It did for a while. Each time the duration between the better and the worse got shorter and shorter. The last time it was about four days between crazy sessions. In the end I had to get off the crazytrain. It has been a little over three months and, yes, it is still hard. However, I do not regret for a second the choice I made. I am happier, my kids are happier, my home is normal and I do not have to walk on eggshells waiting for the next round of insanity.

But that is just my experience.

SoaringSpirits

I gave my AH the boot on May 1 after I could no longer take it. He stopped drinking around me or our kids but did not seek a program. We worked hard in counseling. Foolishly I let him spend a weekend here in July. It was really nice. One weekend turned into a few weeks and it was really nice for the most part. He was sober at home and I saw the guy I married again. BUT the old behaviors slowly crept back in (lying, deception, coming home later and later, secrecy, withdrawing from me....and finally alcohol on his breath) and I had to ask him to leave again.

It was a huge mistake, cohabiting again. Nothing changed, and I enabled him even further. The stress was really unhealthy for me and our kids. I am not making that mistake again. I love thrills but life on a roller coaster is not good!

Freedom1990

How many more years do you want to invest on a no return deal? If she's truly staying sober, there's nothing that says the two of you can't reconnect later. She's barely gotten her feet wet at 5 weeks.

Let go or be dragged.

Shatoosh

Thank you for sharing your experiences. Freedom1990, I don't want to invest any time in a no return deal. I've already invested close to 8 years. I need to remind myself that I gave her many chances to change. Over the past year or two I made it very very clear that the drinking bother me. And you are correct, who says we can't reconnect if she is sober for a long period of time. I need to be strong and SR helps.