My story...please read...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 39
My story...please read...
Hello everyone, hoping you're all alright. former lurker here finally deciding to come out of the shadows and share my story (which is pretty long)...
I can't remember exactly when I had my first drink. I vaguely remember when I was very young, having a sip of beer from my dad, just to see what it tasted like...and I liked it. So much so, that I started throwing a fit when I wasn't allowed to have my own can. I got a smack for that, aha.
But it wasn't until I was about fifteen, at my dad's friend's barbecue, where I was allowed to fully indulge in alcohol. I remember that day very well; beautiful, sunny, everyone having fun. I got drunk. The effects were amazing, everyone was funny, everything was wonderful and it made me feel so good. I looked down at my can after taking in the atmosphere on that amazing summer's night and said to it, "where have you been all my life?"
For a long time, it wasn't a problem. A few of us from school would acquire a crate or two, go out on Friday night, sit around somewhere and have a laugh and get trashed. It was a joke, nothing more and nothing that I couldn't handle. Sure, there'd be the odd occasion where my memory would be spotty and I'd do a couple of dumb things, but nothing that I couldn't handle once I woke up.
The change came when I went to university.
Uni is, erm, not a good place to be sober. It's crazy, the amount of booze that gets poured down people's throats there. One messed up, drunken orgy of insanity and mayhem. I loved it.
The first year was pretty grim in a different way; I was thrown into accommodation which was crumbling, sparsely populated and far from any of the other halls. It was difficult to make friends, so I spent a lot of boring nights drinking. But I passed, had a boozy summer with my mates and then entered for second year.
I met the vast majority of my university friends, the core of my new social life, in a pub next to my new flat. Freshers week was suitably hardcore and I thought nothing of it. I was just glad I wasn't so alone anymore and went out with them every single night. My work suffered, but nothing too bad. Yet.
It was around that time that I met her.
I'd had girlfriends before, but at most they'd been people I vaguely liked, but didn't really see myself committing to forever. This one was different. She was stunningly, mesmirisingly beautiful. And not only that, she was funny. Bitingly witty; she could verbally kick your ass in the most hilarious way possible. The first time I talked to her consisting of us jokingly insulting each other for about five minutes. But there was tenderness too, real soul-baring closeness. We liked the same things, valued the same things. It even got to the stage where we could finish each other's sentences.
No question, it was true, soul-shivering love.
I remember that time as being one of almost perfect happiness. I had amazing friends, an enjoyable social life and I felt I was the greatest guy in the world, because I knew I had the greatest girl.
Then, inevitably, storm clouds began to gather.
It started with the suicide of one of my friends back home after he and his gf split. Everyone tried to comfort me, but I found it hard to take and started taking refuge in alcohol. As the weeks wore on, my work degraded and my personality started changing. I'd drink more and more and more with each passing day, taking advantage of and hurting the ones I loved and a thousand other horrible things.
It eventually became too much for my girlfriend to take; she decided to break up with me until I "stopped hurting myself". I didn't want to hear it. I used to phone her when trashed and hurl abuse at her. I destroyed her love for me.
Eventually, over Christmas, I decided to try to cut down and, shakily, managed to keep it to a minimum (which was still about five or six a day). I thought I could try and win her back. I never did. We never reconciled.
Shortly after New Year, she died in a car accident.
It tore the heart and soul out of me. Two people I loved deeply, gone within a couple of months. I couldn't understand it. Why did my friend have to suffer? Why was the girl I loved taken away from me forever. Why did they have to die? There is, of course, no easy, comforting answer...
I drank. More than ever. When I got back after New Year, my consumption went into overdrive. My drinking buddy was my best friend who had suffered similar heartbreak. Together we would drink a bottle of vodka and a six-pack before going out, which was every night, and then shots at the bars until they closed. Blackouts became nigh-universal. I once woke up in the middle of the road at night with a car in front of me, waiting for me to get out the road. Work stopped altogether.
Eventually, after months and months of this, I realised I had to pull myself together, somehow, or else I would be thrown out of uni. I stopped drinking altogether, which was horrific for the first two days or so. I managed to get my work deferred for over the summer and entered a very shaky sobriety.
I'm finding it very difficult to cope though, even now. The chances are I won't get back into university for third year, and being able to repeat looks unlikely. My future is uncertain, but I must stay on the sober path, or else, well, the future will not be pleasant. But neither is the present at the moment, either...
Thanks for reading this and thank you for having me. This is a good community.
I can't remember exactly when I had my first drink. I vaguely remember when I was very young, having a sip of beer from my dad, just to see what it tasted like...and I liked it. So much so, that I started throwing a fit when I wasn't allowed to have my own can. I got a smack for that, aha.
But it wasn't until I was about fifteen, at my dad's friend's barbecue, where I was allowed to fully indulge in alcohol. I remember that day very well; beautiful, sunny, everyone having fun. I got drunk. The effects were amazing, everyone was funny, everything was wonderful and it made me feel so good. I looked down at my can after taking in the atmosphere on that amazing summer's night and said to it, "where have you been all my life?"
For a long time, it wasn't a problem. A few of us from school would acquire a crate or two, go out on Friday night, sit around somewhere and have a laugh and get trashed. It was a joke, nothing more and nothing that I couldn't handle. Sure, there'd be the odd occasion where my memory would be spotty and I'd do a couple of dumb things, but nothing that I couldn't handle once I woke up.
The change came when I went to university.
Uni is, erm, not a good place to be sober. It's crazy, the amount of booze that gets poured down people's throats there. One messed up, drunken orgy of insanity and mayhem. I loved it.
The first year was pretty grim in a different way; I was thrown into accommodation which was crumbling, sparsely populated and far from any of the other halls. It was difficult to make friends, so I spent a lot of boring nights drinking. But I passed, had a boozy summer with my mates and then entered for second year.
I met the vast majority of my university friends, the core of my new social life, in a pub next to my new flat. Freshers week was suitably hardcore and I thought nothing of it. I was just glad I wasn't so alone anymore and went out with them every single night. My work suffered, but nothing too bad. Yet.
It was around that time that I met her.
I'd had girlfriends before, but at most they'd been people I vaguely liked, but didn't really see myself committing to forever. This one was different. She was stunningly, mesmirisingly beautiful. And not only that, she was funny. Bitingly witty; she could verbally kick your ass in the most hilarious way possible. The first time I talked to her consisting of us jokingly insulting each other for about five minutes. But there was tenderness too, real soul-baring closeness. We liked the same things, valued the same things. It even got to the stage where we could finish each other's sentences.
No question, it was true, soul-shivering love.
I remember that time as being one of almost perfect happiness. I had amazing friends, an enjoyable social life and I felt I was the greatest guy in the world, because I knew I had the greatest girl.
Then, inevitably, storm clouds began to gather.
It started with the suicide of one of my friends back home after he and his gf split. Everyone tried to comfort me, but I found it hard to take and started taking refuge in alcohol. As the weeks wore on, my work degraded and my personality started changing. I'd drink more and more and more with each passing day, taking advantage of and hurting the ones I loved and a thousand other horrible things.
It eventually became too much for my girlfriend to take; she decided to break up with me until I "stopped hurting myself". I didn't want to hear it. I used to phone her when trashed and hurl abuse at her. I destroyed her love for me.
Eventually, over Christmas, I decided to try to cut down and, shakily, managed to keep it to a minimum (which was still about five or six a day). I thought I could try and win her back. I never did. We never reconciled.
Shortly after New Year, she died in a car accident.
It tore the heart and soul out of me. Two people I loved deeply, gone within a couple of months. I couldn't understand it. Why did my friend have to suffer? Why was the girl I loved taken away from me forever. Why did they have to die? There is, of course, no easy, comforting answer...
I drank. More than ever. When I got back after New Year, my consumption went into overdrive. My drinking buddy was my best friend who had suffered similar heartbreak. Together we would drink a bottle of vodka and a six-pack before going out, which was every night, and then shots at the bars until they closed. Blackouts became nigh-universal. I once woke up in the middle of the road at night with a car in front of me, waiting for me to get out the road. Work stopped altogether.
Eventually, after months and months of this, I realised I had to pull myself together, somehow, or else I would be thrown out of uni. I stopped drinking altogether, which was horrific for the first two days or so. I managed to get my work deferred for over the summer and entered a very shaky sobriety.
I'm finding it very difficult to cope though, even now. The chances are I won't get back into university for third year, and being able to repeat looks unlikely. My future is uncertain, but I must stay on the sober path, or else, well, the future will not be pleasant. But neither is the present at the moment, either...
Thanks for reading this and thank you for having me. This is a good community.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Denver, Colorado
Posts: 95
Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you strength in your journey to sobriety, healing and peace of mind. You will be amazed what inspiration and encouragement you can draw from this site and the awesome people here. All the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by prayforstrength 
Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you strength in your journey to sobriety, healing and peace of mind. You will be amazed what inspiration and encouragement you can draw from this site and the awesome people here. All the best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Corpus Christi Texas
Posts: 76
Thanks so much for your story........I too lost the love of my life over drinking, and even though it has been many many years, I still dream of her regularly, and not a day passes without me thinking of her.
The bottle is cunning and powerful and has the power to take those we love away from us and destroy our lives. My heavy drinking started in college also, that was the thing to do.......only I was predisposed to alcoholism and did not know it at the time.
Hang in there, and just remember what alcohol has taken from you so far......it only gets worse.
Welcome !!!!!!
The bottle is cunning and powerful and has the power to take those we love away from us and destroy our lives. My heavy drinking started in college also, that was the thing to do.......only I was predisposed to alcoholism and did not know it at the time.
Hang in there, and just remember what alcohol has taken from you so far......it only gets worse.
Welcome !!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
I'm so very sorry for your losses. I found a lot of support here since arriving last December. I think it's important to know you're not alone. I know it helped me immeasurably. I'm glad you decided to start posting. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by Zebra1275
Do you have a plan to stay sober? Just trying to quit by yourself is very tough. I finally gave up and started going to AA.
Hopefully AA will help me to realise a productive sobriety, rather than the unfocused holding tactics I have at the moment.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Sorry for your losses.
Unfortunately, life is a very bumpy road sometimes. Even in sobriety bad things still happen. My partners brother committed suicide when she was less than a year sober. She went through a divorce in her first year of sobriety. Her mother went through quadruple bypass surgery before she hit 2 years sober. She had a relationship start then end before she was 2 years sober. She had all of her sober "support" group abandon her but one when she was around 8 months sober that was right before her brother committed suicide. She just celebrated 12 years of sobriety this month without a "slip" or "relapse". I know others who have had horrible things happen in their lives and did not drink around them. I do not say this to belittle your experiences but to validate that one can have some really bad life things happen and not drink around it.
One can learn to live life without alcohol and still be able to get through those very rough points in life. You can find sobriety and still live life. I know you are hurting and I don't know anyone who was not hurting when they started the journey into sobriety. We don't get to the point of wanting to get sober because life is wonderful. We get here because life has beat us up enough to want to change.
There are several things you can do to help yourself in the sobriety process. One is build a support group, that can be here at SR, a friend, a family member, anyone who wants to see you succeed at sobriety. I found mine in Alcoholics Anonymous. Also find a program or plan of recovery. Here is a list of recovery programs and resources: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html Once you get a plan throw yourself into it like your life depends on it because in many ways it does.
I wish you the best and hope you are able to find what you are seeking.
Unfortunately, life is a very bumpy road sometimes. Even in sobriety bad things still happen. My partners brother committed suicide when she was less than a year sober. She went through a divorce in her first year of sobriety. Her mother went through quadruple bypass surgery before she hit 2 years sober. She had a relationship start then end before she was 2 years sober. She had all of her sober "support" group abandon her but one when she was around 8 months sober that was right before her brother committed suicide. She just celebrated 12 years of sobriety this month without a "slip" or "relapse". I know others who have had horrible things happen in their lives and did not drink around them. I do not say this to belittle your experiences but to validate that one can have some really bad life things happen and not drink around it.
One can learn to live life without alcohol and still be able to get through those very rough points in life. You can find sobriety and still live life. I know you are hurting and I don't know anyone who was not hurting when they started the journey into sobriety. We don't get to the point of wanting to get sober because life is wonderful. We get here because life has beat us up enough to want to change.
There are several things you can do to help yourself in the sobriety process. One is build a support group, that can be here at SR, a friend, a family member, anyone who wants to see you succeed at sobriety. I found mine in Alcoholics Anonymous. Also find a program or plan of recovery. Here is a list of recovery programs and resources: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html Once you get a plan throw yourself into it like your life depends on it because in many ways it does.
I wish you the best and hope you are able to find what you are seeking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 39
Thanks Nandm. You are right, there are ways to deal with it that didn't involve drinking. My drinking was unreasonably heavy before these things happened too (I would have elaborated, but my post was long enough as it is). I feel I would have become mired in alcoholism at some point further along the road as it is. But what will be will be.
Congratulations to your partner on her years of sobriety; it is very admirable and something I hope to emulate one day.
Thank you for the advice, information and links. It is much appreciated.
Congratulations to your partner on her years of sobriety; it is very admirable and something I hope to emulate one day.
Thank you for the advice, information and links. It is much appreciated.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Nostalgic - Glad you're posting..... I'm so sorry for the tragedy in your life. There's no easy way to get through it and it's so tempting to want to be numb.
One thing that has really helped me when life gets overwhelming is to think of the things I do have, things to be grateful for. Today I have a roof over my head, enough food to eat, I'm not in the hospital, and I have a family that loves me. There are many who don't.....
Sometimes all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and get through the next five minutes regardless of how we feel. Other times we need help, whether it's SR or AA, seeing a counselor, or talking to a doctor about anti-depressants.
Thanks for sharing your story.....:ghug3
One thing that has really helped me when life gets overwhelming is to think of the things I do have, things to be grateful for. Today I have a roof over my head, enough food to eat, I'm not in the hospital, and I have a family that loves me. There are many who don't.....
Sometimes all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and get through the next five minutes regardless of how we feel. Other times we need help, whether it's SR or AA, seeing a counselor, or talking to a doctor about anti-depressants.
Thanks for sharing your story.....:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Up, Up and Away
Posts: 434
Welcome to the forum, Nostalgic, and thanks for sharing your story. If you haven't already, spend some time reading here at SR. There is a lot of good info in the various threads.
You will find that different people use different methods to stay sober. Find one method that sounds promising and try it. Or maybe better, try them all. All of the methods have good parts, and you can learn from each of them.
Anyway, welcome again and best wishes.
You will find that different people use different methods to stay sober. Find one method that sounds promising and try it. Or maybe better, try them all. All of the methods have good parts, and you can learn from each of them.
Anyway, welcome again and best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 471
My heart hurts at your story-- I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you all the best on this journey of sobriety. others above have given resources for various groups so I'll just add the important thing is to never give up NO MATTER what. I wish you all the best.
others above have given resources for various groups so I'll just add the important thing is to never give up NO MATTER what. I wish you all the best.
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