xwaitingx

I knew before I started dating him that he enjoys marijuana though I didn't understand the full extent, or the implications that had. After a month, and seeing how it affected me, he said he would cut way back. He did. For a short time. His use has fluctuated though never ceased of his own choosing. He stayed with is cousin on vacation and was not allowed to use because she lives on a military base. After those three weeks he came back and has increased his use.
Last week his dog died. I was there by his side as she was buried. Several days later he told me his dog died. I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who chooses to participate in an activity that has these affects.
His friends are mostly functioning druggies and alcoholics who are 15-20 years older than him.
I suppose I am mostly looking for support. I have known for several months, on varying levels, that marijuana is more important to him than me. I understand that I should not internalize this, that it's the addiction not me. This is the longest relationship I have ever had and I believe that, without the marijuana we could have a wonderful relationship (but I understand that it is without, which he is not willing to do).
I feel stupid for allowing myself to reach this long and put up with his use this long. I feel more stupid for allowing myself to care so much.

outtolunch

Sounds like you have established a boundary for yourself, not being in relationships with people who use drugs.

The thing about boundaries is that they let go of the outcome. He is free to do as he pleases. You are free to move on. The frustration part comes in when we attempt to use our boundaries to control other people. That does not work as you have found out.

Don't be hard on yourself. You did not know how his use was going to effect you and now you do. It was a learning experience. Stay rooted in reality instead of what might have been if only he would....thing.

nerdygirl

As difficult as it may seem now, if you want the end the relationship it's best to do it NOW. It's not going to get better. You have to love the person as they are right now. You can't expect him to change because he won't unless he wants to. So, if you know all the facts and you don't like the way it makes you feel or if you just plain don't like being in a relationship with a person who uses drugs, then you get out of the situation. He may be a drug addict for the rest of his life. You can choose to not be in a relationship with an addict for the rest of your life. Since this is your longest relationship, I'm going to guess you're young. With youth comes many learning experiences. You'll fall in love again. Now, at least you know what you don't want in a partner. It takes some people years to figure that out. Good luck and keep posting. We'll be here for you!

sTiLlhErE1986

Waiting,

I'm sorry about the situation you find yourself in but you have definetly found the right place for support. I have found alot of comfort on this forum.

I'm not the person to offer you advice right now, but if it helps at all I completely emphasize with your situation. My boyfriend of 2 years is a [B]newly[B] recovering heroin addict and I can tell you it WON'T get any easier from here. You said that you feel stupid for putting up with his use for so long, and I felt the same way as you did, but I have learned that you can't bet yourself up over something you cannot control. Believe me, I tried long and hard to control my RABF, but that only earned me many sleepness nights, hours of unnecessary arguing, and time wasted that I could've been doing something I wanted to do. You can only control yourself and can only make choices for yourself. As he can only make choices for himself, and it is clear that he is...he knows you don't agree with his drug use and that you don't want to be with him if he doesn't quit, yet he continues to CHOOSE to use.

If you choose to stick with him this is going to be the hardest battle of your life and it will last your whole life, he will AWLAYS be a drug addict. That will never change, is that something that you want??

I have known for several months, on varying levels, that marijuana is more important to him than me. I understand that I should not internalize this, that it's the addiction not me. This is the longest relationship I have ever had and I believe that, without the marijuana we could have a wonderful relationship (but I understand that it is without, which he is not willing to do).

It is hard to swallow but do you really want to be with someone who you know, and you said, wouldn't pick you.....why should you pick him over yourself??

Sorry I tend to ramble in my posts, my brain jumps all over the place! But you are in my thoughts and I hope you find the support you are looking for!!

xwaitingx

thank you everyone for your replies. it certainly helps give me the courage to have a conversation with him about it.

in the past he has wavered between saying he knows he has a problem and wants help to saying he doesn't want help.
another facet is that his parents, along with one of his grandmothers, used to grow it when he was young. he has grown up believing that heavy marijuana use is simply a phase.

with him i knew he used before we started dating. i have dated and been friends with other guys whom i did not find out their use until later into the friendship/relationship. i am not sure what it is about my personality that attracts users since i am not one myself.

xwaitingx

anyone else have this issue? the only thing i can figure thus far is lowered expectations. i tend to hold myself to high standards (read as over achiever) but typically (in my experience) users are not so stringent, therefore when i fail, or at least fail to meet my own expectations, he is not disappointed.
maybe?

nerdygirl

From what I have read, you sound like a codependent.

Welcome to the Codie Club!

You want to help, nurture, take care of, do for others etc. It's possible you have low self esteem. It's possible you're just a care giver gone overboard. I just finished Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Checked it out from the library but I think I'm going to purchase my own copy. I was astonished to find that I fit every single characteristic in her checklist. Basically, it's about letting go of other people's problems and focusing on YOU. Also, read the stickys at the top of this forum. Lots of good info there. You may want to try individual counseling too. Bottom line - work on YOU. You can't control what other people do. They will make their own choices - good or bad - no matter how much you cry, yell, bitch, complain etc. There is nothing you can do to change another person. So, you either love the addict just the way he is and never expect him to change, or you walk. Just like his decision to use is up to him, your decision to stay or leave is entirely up to you.

D28rdy4help

While I do not know your boyfriend and I do not know if he truly has an additive personality or just is addicted to marijuana I do know the male mind. If he loves you enough, and you make it clear how important it is for it to be out of his life, he will try. I am not saying he will succeed the first time, or at all (hopefully he will at some point), but since marijuana is mentally addicting and not physically addicting, he has a much better chance of succeeding than if he were dependent on alcohol or any other drug. The Caveat however is that you have to love him how he is now because there is never a guarantee anything will change. I guess how YOU feel and how important the relationship is to your life has to decide?

xwaitingx

while i do know several guys who have stopped smoking for their girlfriends i do not believe mine would. perhaps it's something i will bring up at some point. his mom seems to think he would. he was using coke for a year, several years ago. he said he quit and will never do it again. to my knowledge he has not done it since. he is very caught up in a lifestyle with the marijuana.

i checked out the audio book of codependent no more. i will need to read the book when it is back in (i am a very visual person). for the time being i have decided to set boundaries, focus on myself, and stay in the relationship. whether rational or not (yet to be determined) i believe there is something between us worth waiting to see where he goes. i have already started taking some of the advice from the book. typically on saturdays he comes to my house since we get off work at the same time. typically i have to ask if he would like to, and i often feel i am the one always making plans. i decided this week not to, that i wouldn't mention saturday and see if he said anything. today he asked when i would like to spend time with him this week and he recommended saturday. i had also prepared myself for the possibility that he would not and that i wouldn't see him. i feel this is a good step for me.
only time will tell what he decides to do but i have made a renewed commitment to myself to do things that are good for me, and to not let his actions affect the way i view myself.

kmangel

I hope you will decide to put your boundaries of not being with a drug user in action. If you do and tell your boyfriend that you will not be with a user, I hope he'll decide to drop his marijuana habit. I have thought about my son's last girl friend--what would have happened had she told him she didn't want him to use drugs. Would it have made a difference? Probably not. I think he had a road to travel (to heroin) to show him that he needed to stop using drugs. His girlfriend wasn't a user when they met and she became one herself. I think what wound up happening is she did urge him to stop using drugs, but because she was also addicted it made it even harder. They never were on the same page about quitting. She was on the page, but he wasn't until things got really bad for him. Be careful that you don't fall into the pit yourself and wind up using marijuana--or worse down the road.

Since you seem to be attracted to users you are getting something out of the relationships. It would be worth your while to get to what in you is missing that seems to be filled with relationships with people who put a drug before your needs.

My son is sober now, but I wonder who his next relationship will be with. Will she be someone like you who is attracted to drug abusers? He is in counseling so before he gets into any really serious relationship, I hope he can get some help in this area. Otherwise, he'll be heading into dangerous territory again. Have you considered counseling for yourself?

Neagrm

Let go of the misconception that love overcomes all things. An addiction is an addiction is an addiction ...

xwaitingx

so, the page just deleted my whole post. ugh.

basically-

kmangel: i have used in small, recreational (once or twice a year) in the past. i haven't any interest it using on any regular basis.
counseling at the moment is too much. i fall into the category of too much money for financial assistance but not enough to pay for it.
i am sorry to hear about your son. it sounds like you have been on that journey for a while now.

neagrm: it's not so much an idea of love overcoming it as deciding on my boundaries, perhaps setting a timeline (after this conversation if this doesn't happen by this time..) etc. I do know that love cannot overcome the addiction. it's more on the side of detachment with evaluation before the final decision.

update:
we used to work in the same department together. beginning of july he went to work for another department (better pay, benefits, etc.). he still stops by to say hi to everyone.
a couple weeks ago he asked me for some peoples' numbers. i asked one of them (hey, X wants your number to keep in touch, is that cool) but not the ones who weren't there that day (somewhat against my better judgement but thinking that all was good). for a work environment we all get along well and often hang out with each other. i thought little (but not nothing) of it.

i received a call tonight from a coworker. she said that herself, and her boyfriend were tired of him "blowing up [her] phone all the time." for marijuana. i feel hurt, angry, and betrayed. i believe this may be the last straw. at least i know if this is it i have a wonderful support network of people who have experienced similar events to help me.

i have listened to Codependent No More on tape. I believe the tape leaves things out. It is only one tape. Once the book copies are returned at the library I will check one out.