lost a friend
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
lost a friend
Hi -
I just need to know from those of you who have experience with alcoholics to tell me what is going on in this situation...
I made a long distance friend who is/was an alcoholic the beginning of this year. I knew this going into the friendship (a completely platonic friendship), but felt there was enough of a connection with him that I could deal with the alcoholism. Pretty much 100% of the time we talked, etc. (and we talked every day) he was drunk. Most of the time he was good to me, kind, etc. and I learned a lot from him. But there were times when he would rant and rave and for some reason I would stay on the phone and listen. I felt like he had no one else (his family and the few friends that have stayed in his life occasionally contact him). He gradually got better over the months in terms of venturing outside, trying to contact people, and trying to quit (although that didn't last). A number of months ago I introduced him to an online game that he became more and more addicted to. I had thought it was a way to interact with him besides talking. Then he became more and more aloof, playing the game more and then when we did talk he was more irritable or just emotionless (he was very emotional when drunk). I quit the game about three weeks ago and I think it ticked him off, but he didn't say so. I just found it taking over my life and I needed to get back to the other things that make me happy.
He stopped drinking (only going to a couple of AA meetings that I know of) about six weeks ago. The last time I spoke to him I asked him what was going on and he said that he had lost "enthusiasm" to be friends with me and that when he stops being addicted to the online game, he may or may not contact me. The way the phone call ended, we just wished the other the best. It's been two weeks.
After all this, I just feel terrible - abused, used, and hurting. I feel I was there for him (and now I know - an enabler) and then I was kicked to the curb.
Any thoughts, words of wisdom would be appreciated.
I just need to know from those of you who have experience with alcoholics to tell me what is going on in this situation...
I made a long distance friend who is/was an alcoholic the beginning of this year. I knew this going into the friendship (a completely platonic friendship), but felt there was enough of a connection with him that I could deal with the alcoholism. Pretty much 100% of the time we talked, etc. (and we talked every day) he was drunk. Most of the time he was good to me, kind, etc. and I learned a lot from him. But there were times when he would rant and rave and for some reason I would stay on the phone and listen. I felt like he had no one else (his family and the few friends that have stayed in his life occasionally contact him). He gradually got better over the months in terms of venturing outside, trying to contact people, and trying to quit (although that didn't last). A number of months ago I introduced him to an online game that he became more and more addicted to. I had thought it was a way to interact with him besides talking. Then he became more and more aloof, playing the game more and then when we did talk he was more irritable or just emotionless (he was very emotional when drunk). I quit the game about three weeks ago and I think it ticked him off, but he didn't say so. I just found it taking over my life and I needed to get back to the other things that make me happy.
He stopped drinking (only going to a couple of AA meetings that I know of) about six weeks ago. The last time I spoke to him I asked him what was going on and he said that he had lost "enthusiasm" to be friends with me and that when he stops being addicted to the online game, he may or may not contact me. The way the phone call ended, we just wished the other the best. It's been two weeks.
After all this, I just feel terrible - abused, used, and hurting. I feel I was there for him (and now I know - an enabler) and then I was kicked to the curb.
Any thoughts, words of wisdom would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Maybe when the discussions turned to him quitting alcohol or his new game, you seemed too similar to his face-to-face friends and relatives that are also telling him to quit? Maybe he moved on to a fresh set of ears?
Mark this up for experience and move on. I think the season of this particular friendship is done.
This sounds cold, but the only real relationship an alcoholic has is with his habit. I know this because I live with an active alcoholic.
Wishing you well.
Mark this up for experience and move on. I think the season of this particular friendship is done.
This sounds cold, but the only real relationship an alcoholic has is with his habit. I know this because I live with an active alcoholic.
Wishing you well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
I had met him in person first. Over the course of the friendship we talked as if we were long terms friends and even made plans to meet next year when I would be in his area again.
I never really pushed his quitting, only when he talked about it first. Then I would encourage himn to do that and to seek help. But I had told him I would be a friend whether or not he was drinking.
Yes, I know that in many ways I am better off without him, but we had become very close and even though it may sound odd - I was a better person from knowing him. He taught me a lot and even gave me good advice. He just stunk at taking his own advice.
I never really pushed his quitting, only when he talked about it first. Then I would encourage himn to do that and to seek help. But I had told him I would be a friend whether or not he was drinking.
Yes, I know that in many ways I am better off without him, but we had become very close and even though it may sound odd - I was a better person from knowing him. He taught me a lot and even gave me good advice. He just stunk at taking his own advice.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Western US
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Originally Posted by nocali 
Yes, I know that in many ways I am better off without him, but we had become very close and even though it may sound odd - I was a better person from knowing him. He taught me a lot and even gave me good advice. He just stunk at taking his own advice.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 35
It's possible that he identifies your friendship as part of his addicted lifestyle that he has to give up. Although I'm not sure why he wouldn't tell you this if it was true. Anything I could say would be mere speculation though.
If you do ever have a chance to talk with him again maybe you can ask him directly so you can put closure on it. You may be able to just chat with him in the game for a few minutes if he seems open for it.
If you do ever have a chance to talk with him again maybe you can ask him directly so you can put closure on it. You may be able to just chat with him in the game for a few minutes if he seems open for it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Rather then put the focus on him and why he did what he did………turn that mirror around and ask yourself why you got so close and dependent on a “virtual” friend, someone you met in person once then developed virtually with.
Why did you allow yourself to be abused and used by him and why is this abusers departure form your life so unsettling to you instead of feeling relief.
Why did you allow yourself to be abused and used by him and why is this abusers departure form your life so unsettling to you instead of feeling relief.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
To atalose -
Thanks for the words. I did just what you said. I know why I'm sad and I know why I let him get so close and then let him hurt me. I know what I need and what I saw in him. I would like that type of friend again, just not in someone with an addiction.
It still doesn't help me understand why he let me go. But I don't know if I ever will. A friend of mine said that he was sick and his thinking was sick so anything that he would have to say wouldn't make sense. His actions don't necessarily make sense as well.
Thanks for the words. I did just what you said. I know why I'm sad and I know why I let him get so close and then let him hurt me. I know what I need and what I saw in him. I would like that type of friend again, just not in someone with an addiction.
It still doesn't help me understand why he let me go. But I don't know if I ever will. A friend of mine said that he was sick and his thinking was sick so anything that he would have to say wouldn't make sense. His actions don't necessarily make sense as well.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
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This sounds like a transitional relationship at best ... never meant to last. Ships passing in the night, so to speak.
However, if it helps to give you any insight - one of the many unique characteristics of an active alcoholic, along with misdirected anger, blame, denial, ... etc. - is that you learn not to expect sane, logical, reasonable behavior from them. Someone active in their addiction thinks and process information is a distorted illogical way.
Since you have never had a chance to really know the real sober, clear headed person, you really have no idea of who he really was or if you really would have liked the “real” guy.
Too many of us have wasted precious time while futilely attempting to understand someone that is, in fact, incapable of being understood ... as long as they are active in their addiction - or in the transition to sobriety. This altered thought process can last for many weeks once someone have stopped drinking. Don’t take anything personally from this person - consider it a lesson learned about the many pitfalls of a relationship with an active alcoholic.
However, if it helps to give you any insight - one of the many unique characteristics of an active alcoholic, along with misdirected anger, blame, denial, ... etc. - is that you learn not to expect sane, logical, reasonable behavior from them. Someone active in their addiction thinks and process information is a distorted illogical way.
Since you have never had a chance to really know the real sober, clear headed person, you really have no idea of who he really was or if you really would have liked the “real” guy.
Too many of us have wasted precious time while futilely attempting to understand someone that is, in fact, incapable of being understood ... as long as they are active in their addiction - or in the transition to sobriety. This altered thought process can last for many weeks once someone have stopped drinking. Don’t take anything personally from this person - consider it a lesson learned about the many pitfalls of a relationship with an active alcoholic.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
nocali, I understand how it hard it is to feel like you are losing a friend. I have a very close friend who's in early recovery. He chose not to contact me for over two months; and he's not virtual, but someone I saw nearly every day for many years. Seeking Wisdom's post above has good advice--I learned not to take my friend's non-contact personally; it was not about me, even tho it felt like it at the beginning. And I still try not to have any expections of him. It may help you to do the same.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by anvilhead
they were simply our next choice.
I got no "choices" at the moment, but in 30 years when I start to trust myself, I might. And if they are different from what I have chosen before, it will be worth the wait!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
nocali changes and losses always hurt, but its not normal to feel so strongly for someone so toxic..
I placed all of my eggs in one basket and suffered tremendously when facing a loss, working on a more balanced life has helped me cope with changes and losses in my life... we have to have stuff to hang on to when things get difficult.
My problem was and still is, that I was used to no attention and no demonstrations of love in my history, so when someone noticed me I gave my 100%, that´s how hungry I was/still am. Life does not have to be that way and my stomach is not going to stand much more of that sadness and emptiness....
Have you read "codependent no more"? That book... sports... lots of SR... nature.... talking with the REAL friends that I got (like 5).. investing in my spiritual side.... arts... all that, has helped me ... oh and the no.1 source of support and sanity: therapy.
Hugs!!
I placed all of my eggs in one basket and suffered tremendously when facing a loss, working on a more balanced life has helped me cope with changes and losses in my life... we have to have stuff to hang on to when things get difficult.
My problem was and still is, that I was used to no attention and no demonstrations of love in my history, so when someone noticed me I gave my 100%, that´s how hungry I was/still am. Life does not have to be that way and my stomach is not going to stand much more of that sadness and emptiness....
Have you read "codependent no more"? That book... sports... lots of SR... nature.... talking with the REAL friends that I got (like 5).. investing in my spiritual side.... arts... all that, has helped me ... oh and the no.1 source of support and sanity: therapy.
Hugs!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4
I hear what you all are saying. I just lost my closest friend, my sister, when I met this ex-friend. He seriously was very similar to my sister in terms of outlook on life and was so sweet that he seemed to slide into my heart like my sister. I have many friends, but they just aren't as connected to me in terms of having the same philosophy of life. But this all sounds so weird now given the context that this ex-friend was using the whole time we were friends. He was very lucid for most of the day, but at the end of the day was when he would become irrational. Anyway, yes, I have my own demons here to battle.
Hopefully, some day I can find a new great friend that is more healthy for me.
Hopefully, some day I can find a new great friend that is more healthy for me.
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