pica

I'm so disappointed in myself. Apart from a few social events, it's been over a year since I have drank. I used to drink every night and I admitted I had a problem and found the strength to stop. I thought it was under control.

My partner travels for work and it's her first trip away since I stopped drinking. I told her it wouldn't be a problem. I said she could trust me. It's been a year, give me a break I said! That was the old me. I've changed.

And then I had one drink. Why did I do it? Why? I know that when I am on my own, lonely, bored, I won't stop.

One drink became a bottle. It wasn't until my partner called and yelled at me for slurring my words that I realised what I had done.

I've spent a year working on our relationship. A year proving that I was ok, that I could be trusted. And threw it all away.

So now what? Beg for forgiveness like I have a hundred times before. How will I ever trust me now, when I don't even trust myself?

I’m so ashamed. So embarrassed. Feel so helpless. So full of self loathing.

I keep asking what's the matter with me?! The answer is simple: I'm an alcoholic.

Will I ever be ok?

psilyguy

I hear ya. My wife left town 5 times in 7 years and I got DUI's on 2 occasions. It's been a rough ride but she understood I had a problem and stood at my side, even when her family couldn't figure out why she was hanging around. One year sober and a slip... if I could only say I've had a year of sobriety that would be monumental in my book. Congratulations on that! Pick yourself back up and find a support system, it's too hard to do this alone.

Veritas1

Your post reminds me so much of a chapter in the big book of AA called A Vision For You.

I hope you don't mind if I share it with you.

See if you can relate.

A Vision For You

"Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, “I don’t miss it at all. Feel better. Work better. Having a better time.” As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn’t happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol."


He will presently try to old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety.

I think we think we are missing something.

Maybe it was your partner being away, and the old idea is...

Ah ha, I can get away with it.

That mental obsession...our book talks about that.

Whether it has been one year or not, just underneath the surface lies our enemy ready to strike.

Our mind tell us well, one wouldn't hurt.

Our idea is "this time it will be different!"

Or, "I have been "good" (sober) awhile...I deserve it"...etc.

Our book also tells us that it may be worth a case of the jitters to get a full knowledge of your condition.

So you tried it again, and your experience is that you started with one drink, and ended up drinking more.

This reminds me of something someone told me when looking back over our experiences with drinking.

They said, look back.

What was the intention.

What really happened.

Who did we harm.

So now you have a full knowledge of your condition so to speak again.

The experience of trying to enjoy and control the drinking failed again.

What can you do?

Acknowledge the truth in the matter, and take actions to change.

This is a setback, yes, but our book also tells us that if we slip, we re-double our efforts, and try again.

Have you ever tried the A.A. program?

pica

No I haven't tried AA, but I think I am going to go to a meeting. The story sounds about right. We agreed that I would control it. We have a collection of fine wine. But I don't think I can control it.

Stopping drinking wasn't without it's setbacks. I have had a few drinks, in company, under "supervision". So yes, this is the first time on my own. I guess it was a 'let's see what I can get away with'. My partner will think the same, that I waited for her to leave so I could drink. It wasn't like that though. It hadn't even crossed my mind! If it had, I could have put a strategy in place, but all of a sudden, I was lonely, anxious, and it was there and "just one".

My partner always asks me why, so I'm trying to find reasons for why I did it. Bored, lonely, anxious... but does it matter? Why? I'm an alcoholic. Because it was there and I could.

I should have known better. When I have had a drink, I have always craved more. I knew that it was lurking there.

I'm so ashamed. So disappointed.

Charon

One thing I have come to finally accept. For me there is no "just one". Nor is there "just a little". The word "just" simply does not exist after I've had the first taste. Not even a full drink, merely the first sip. After that I am lost.

SSIL75

Accepting that I could never, ever drink again under any circumstances was crucial to my recovery.

Hevyn

Hi Pica! I did something similar, but it made me even more resolved to get back to work on my sobriety. I went off on a long binge, though - sounds like you just had that one night & caught yourself.

Try not to let shame or guilt overtake you - they're mostly useless emotions that are very damaging. Sure, feel bad about what you did - but then use it to be more determined. You can get back to where you were & be even stronger. Will you ever be ok? Yes you will. I am - after drinking all my life - and you can do this too.

pica

Thank you for that, because all I am doing now is beating myself up over it. I can't stop telling myself how stupid I was and much I have screwed things up and how much I hate myself. I haven't slept all night, tossing and turning and thinking about it. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I hate being alone. Maybe I'm co-dependant? In which case, what will I do when one day, inevitably, my partner leaves me for good? Will I always be this screwed up? Can't I just be normal? Why is it always a struggle? Why is life always so damned hard? I have everything I need, and more than I could possibly ask for, and yet I still have to find someway to screw it up? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME??!!

I know. I'm an alcoholic. Doesn't having an answer make it easier? It should be simple now, right? These problems and feelings never came up in the last year. I never spent nights berating myself for anything when sober.

I feel so ashamed. But in a way I feel like going out and telling everyone. If I tell all of my friends and family, they will watch out for me, right? Or will they pity me, and will I feel paranoid that they are watching my every move, watching for me to stuff up?

I just feel it would be easier if I had someone to talk to. I do have my sister, who has helped me out before, but I don't always want to burden her. I worry my partner just doesn't understand...

sugarbear1

AA sponsor. Get one & talk. Work the steps. Slips begin long before we drink.


Welcome!

EmeraldRose

Mistakes are made and lessons are learned. Each time we slip we feel more remorse because we 'know' there is sobriety, we know there are days of productivity, days where we can live it to the fullest...not passed out on the couch then awakening to go buy more booze. Congratulations on being sober for a year.
You are only co-dependant on the booze. Nothing else. You can be alone sober. You've done it. But now you know taking that first sip leads you back into the realms of guilt and shame.
I separated from my husband last August -a year this coming week. I thought "Whoo-Hoo" I can drink...no one's here to "watch" me, no one's here to babysit me. But I lost my soul ~ and quit. I lost the heart of my life. I lost me.
I'm still alone...me and muh dogs...I'm comfortable in my own skin and can live life without always feeling like I need to be taken care of. After about 30 years of booze...it's 7 months this month.
You will have no control over the feelings of anyone in your life. Don't try. All you can do is change yourself and let them know you need to earn their trust back.
I have learned that most of my new life in sobriety depends on patience and life's sequence in my journey. You can't MAKE things happen. The only thing you can make happen is your sobriety.
Wishing you peace and strength.

Dee74

welcome to SR Pica

I still don't have all the answers - but I know my life is immeasurably better now I don't drink at all. I'm a far better person too.

Giving up drinking was the best thing I ever did - I love my life the way it is, I don't need to drink, I don't need to be supervised...I'm happy for the first time in my adult life.

I spent years wanting to be normal too...I don't know if this life I have now is normal but I wouldn't exchange it

Don't do this for your wife Pica - do it for you.

You'll find a lot of support here.

D

Threshold

I think it does help to ask ourselves "why" we decided to pick up again after getting clean time under our belts. We have to find out what our triggers are, why we let those things have power over us, or what excuses we use to indulge in damaging behavior. It is useful to figure out why, so we can...early on, avoid our triggers, and as we grow in recovery, learn how to face life so those situations are no longer so scary and we don't feel we need to use to get through them.

I have learned that holding the view that I can have a couple every now and then, is like someone saying that they can play chicken...but they will only do it at certain stoplights, or on days of the week with an R in them. Wouldn't it be wiser to just, um, NOT play chicken any more? Is there ever really a good situation for an alcoholic to be drinking in?

you had a drink, and more than a drink, and didn't like the results. Lesson learned, forward on. You can't control how your partner responds. Let the situation work itself out. Your getting and staying on track with your recovery will speak volumes more than any begging and groveling for forgiveness, and repeated promises.

OceanSize

That's exactly the realization i am having now, and had even the next day after this recent blackout. What's different is, i surrender. I cannot ever drink again under any circumstance.

i never knew this until these last few days.

i mean, i knew - but i didn't realize. My solution ("no more than 2 drinks") was not a solution it was ultimately the problem.

esyla

actions will probably speak to your partner more than anything else - words he's heard before, right? this time take some action. whether you decide it's for you or not, give it a good try. it's def helpful for any significant other, familky member, friend, etc, to SEE you taking steps towards bettering yourself and finding recovery rather than just hearing your explanations, apologies, excuses, whatever else.

mhealer3

being alone does suck. i'm alone now but not due 2 my own drinking.
22 yrs w ah, finally i left-- but my 18yr old wanted 2 stay w dad.
anyway, i lost all my friends over those years, & my job.
so now i try 2 meet people in my new neighborhood, but it's slow going.
it's good advice wh the folks here have said about meetings, ect.
i may go back 2 al-onon myself, if i found a Christ-centered group.
knowing Jesus died in my place because of my sins has changed my life.
to know God Loves me like that has overwhelmed the trials i've faced.
now i'm never alone, just needing some people in my life.
i have great health, prosperity, & Peace because i know God is faithful
2 make up for the wasted years.
i encourage you to seek God out,in the privacy of your heart.
you'll find far greater things added to your life, than what you've lost.
my hope is for u to recieve God's free Gift of Life in Christ, as i have--Amen

pica

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your replies.


Sounds so very familiar.

I've contemplated going to AA before, but always 'chickened out'. I"m not one of those people. I'm not religious, I'm an atheist! I don't need god to save me. Well, I think that desperate times call for desperate measures, and maybe a good dose of reality wouldn't go astray. I've come as close as I ever have to praying these last few days. My prayers came true in that my wife said that she will be there for me, but with the warning that soon er or later I will have to learn to do it on my own. She can't be there holding my hand, 24 hours a day forever more. AA might be the sobering reality that I've needed. A good kick in the teeth and up the backside to get it to sink in.

SR is wonderful, but I think I could do with meeting people in the flesh and making it all the more REAL.

I've made SR my home page. My daily reminder. Thank you for being here.

Zebra1275

The best advice I can give you is to walk into an AA meeting.

Charon

What sucks more is being alone and lonely and living in the same house (technically married) with a person you don't like, who is passive agressive, who knows everything, who is completely inconsiderate - never having intimacy, closeness, comfort, careing. I would much rather be alone and lonely.

Veritas1

Keep an open mind. Certainly there are many folks at AA who have solved the drinking problem.

It cannot hurt to go. It's all about taking some action, and being willing and honest with yourself and others.

When you were alone, and the drink made sense because you could and it was there...this is the compulsion that alcoholics share in common.

The complusion is stronger than what we know we should do, or any past experience or proof that we are not able to control our drinking very well.

There is no defense like pulling your hand from a hot stove, even though you know it will burn you.

We stick our hand on the stove anyway.

Who does this. We wouldn't stick our hand a a hot stove really...but a drink? Yes, we try it again, and again...and we get burned again and again.

There is a group of people at AA who have found a way to resist this compulsion to drink, in a meeting, in your town, near you! Run.