The Annoyance Factor?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego
Posts: 20
The Annoyance Factor?
Hi
My name is Chris and I'm an alcoholic.
I'm an alcoholic because I did some serious harm to my body by using alcohol as a means of coping with a bad marriage and awful job. Those issues are gone, and I'm almost five months sober.
Something I have found as I navigate the road to recovery is that I get really annoyed with people and their crap. Just about everything is annoying. It seems I was also using alcohol as a means of coping with uncomfortable situations, and to deal with people that I don't like. I was hoping the feeling of utter annoyance would go away after a while, but it just seems to be getting more dug-in, if anything.
Is the annoyance factor a common issue, and how do you cope? I don't want to become a shut-in, but there are only a handful of people on the planet that don't bug the sh*t out of me.
My name is Chris and I'm an alcoholic.
I'm an alcoholic because I did some serious harm to my body by using alcohol as a means of coping with a bad marriage and awful job. Those issues are gone, and I'm almost five months sober.
Something I have found as I navigate the road to recovery is that I get really annoyed with people and their crap. Just about everything is annoying. It seems I was also using alcohol as a means of coping with uncomfortable situations, and to deal with people that I don't like. I was hoping the feeling of utter annoyance would go away after a while, but it just seems to be getting more dug-in, if anything.
Is the annoyance factor a common issue, and how do you cope? I don't want to become a shut-in, but there are only a handful of people on the planet that don't bug the sh*t out of me.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
I am a member of AA. We call these resentments. I have tools to use for resentments today. (I want to joke and say my tool is a hammer and I use it to....nevermind).
When I have a resentment, I take a look at me & why it bothers me so much. I can't control others, I can change my attitudes, actions, and words. Pages 66-67 of the big book, I believe.
If you aren't following the aa design for living, I can't be too useful now.
You are not alone, nor do you need to feel annoyed today! There is a solution.
When I have a resentment, I take a look at me & why it bothers me so much. I can't control others, I can change my attitudes, actions, and words. Pages 66-67 of the big book, I believe.
If you aren't following the aa design for living, I can't be too useful now.
You are not alone, nor do you need to feel annoyed today! There is a solution.
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Hi Chris!
I hear ya, I am naturally a very irritable person and people and their crap can really bug me a lot. Sugarbear's answer was spot on though. I have come to realize that the problem lies within myself. I'm not perfect by any stretch, but I am working on my own crap now and I'm finding that I have more patience.
I hear ya, I am naturally a very irritable person and people and their crap can really bug me a lot. Sugarbear's answer was spot on though. I have come to realize that the problem lies within myself. I'm not perfect by any stretch, but I am working on my own crap now and I'm finding that I have more patience.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
I'm not an AA guy but the Four Noble Truths taught me something similar about resentments.
Basically, the way I understand it is that the root cause of suffering is attachment. It can be attachment to any number of things including negative emotions. By ridding ourselves of these attachments (negative emotions in this case), we can ease our suffering and therefore be happier.
It's so simple sounding yet I found it incredibly profound. These days when I find a negative emotion creeping in (annoyance, anger, frustration, resentment, whatever) I just tell myself to let it go, flick it off like a bug on my shirt. It really works. About 90% of the time, that is.
I still have some work to do.
Basically, the way I understand it is that the root cause of suffering is attachment. It can be attachment to any number of things including negative emotions. By ridding ourselves of these attachments (negative emotions in this case), we can ease our suffering and therefore be happier.
It's so simple sounding yet I found it incredibly profound. These days when I find a negative emotion creeping in (annoyance, anger, frustration, resentment, whatever) I just tell myself to let it go, flick it off like a bug on my shirt. It really works. About 90% of the time, that is.
I still have some work to do.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by Reset 
I'm not an AA guy but the Four Noble Truths taught me something similar about resentments.
Basically, the way I understand it is that the root cause of suffering is attachment. It can be attachment to any number of things including negative emotions. By ridding ourselves of these attachments (negative emotions in this case), we can ease our suffering and therefore be happier.
It's so simple sounding yet I found it incredibly profound. These days when I find a negative emotion creeping in (annoyance, anger, frustration, resentment, whatever) I just tell myself to let it go, flick it off like a bug on my shirt. It really works. About 90% of the time, that is. I still have some work to do.
Basically, the way I understand it is that the root cause of suffering is attachment. It can be attachment to any number of things including negative emotions. By ridding ourselves of these attachments (negative emotions in this case), we can ease our suffering and therefore be happier.
It's so simple sounding yet I found it incredibly profound. These days when I find a negative emotion creeping in (annoyance, anger, frustration, resentment, whatever) I just tell myself to let it go, flick it off like a bug on my shirt. It really works. About 90% of the time, that is.
I still have some work to do.Beating this demon for GOOD
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 143
Hi Chris and congrats on your five months!!! WTG!!!
I am back in the program only four days in now, but I am not unfamiliar with the resentments, etc. I am still working on getting myself a sponsor this time around, but I am sure with all the great folks I am meeting and the various types of meetings I am attending daily (sometimes more than one a day), it will come.
This is so timely so I felt the urge to chime in here. Just today, I was talking to a family member just to say hello. This person tends to cut you off at the knees in conversation, repeats themself over and over, etc. One of those folks you just can't get a word edgewise in with. Oh well, their trait, not mine. After hanging up the phone, I just said the Serenity Prayer, said out loud to myself, "let it go, it's no big deal" and I feel better about it. I love the analogy of flicking it off you like a bug on your shirt, great advice!!
You're not alone! I've been in and out of the fellowship of AA for many years, and I have found I still get annoyed easily over people and their actions, even when sober. Something I am working on.
I am back in the program only four days in now, but I am not unfamiliar with the resentments, etc. I am still working on getting myself a sponsor this time around, but I am sure with all the great folks I am meeting and the various types of meetings I am attending daily (sometimes more than one a day), it will come.
This is so timely so I felt the urge to chime in here. Just today, I was talking to a family member just to say hello. This person tends to cut you off at the knees in conversation, repeats themself over and over, etc. One of those folks you just can't get a word edgewise in with. Oh well, their trait, not mine. After hanging up the phone, I just said the Serenity Prayer, said out loud to myself, "let it go, it's no big deal" and I feel better about it. I love the analogy of flicking it off you like a bug on your shirt, great advice!!
You're not alone! I've been in and out of the fellowship of AA for many years, and I have found I still get annoyed easily over people and their actions, even when sober. Something I am working on.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
That was me not too long ago. I cope with it now by using the things i have learned in my program, which is AA. i recognize that people all have their own issues, and how i react is up to me. They can annoy me, or i can react in a loving and gentle way.
it is freeing, because my moods are no longer controlled all the time by other people. Doing my 4th and 5th steps really helped with this.
I wish you luck!
it is freeing, because my moods are no longer controlled all the time by other people. Doing my 4th and 5th steps really helped with this.
I wish you luck!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome, Chris - way to go on your 5 months!
I like what the others have said. I think just the fact that you recognize this in yourself is a good thing.
If it's really bugging you, I guess I'd look at what was behind the irritation, if it's always been there to a certain degree, or if it only comes up at certain times/circumstances.... could it be PAWS, or perfectionism.... are you talking about friends, people you work with...... or like Reset said, are there certain expectations.......
One thing for sure: being sober is a journey. Good to have you with us!
I like what the others have said. I think just the fact that you recognize this in yourself is a good thing.
If it's really bugging you, I guess I'd look at what was behind the irritation, if it's always been there to a certain degree, or if it only comes up at certain times/circumstances.... could it be PAWS, or perfectionism.... are you talking about friends, people you work with...... or like Reset said, are there certain expectations.......
One thing for sure: being sober is a journey. Good to have you with us!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Hi Chris
I was irritable to begin with...we all are I think - but by 5 months, I think I was as cheerful as I'm ever gonna get...just ask my wife
For me, it was important to realise that stopping drinking was only the first step in my recovery - I figured I also needed to work on my myself and my underlying issues if I wanted to stay sober.
I really find it's hard for me to be grumpy too often or too long if I like my life and I'm grateful for the good things in it.
Have you done anything else besides just not drinking?
D
I was irritable to begin with...we all are I think - but by 5 months, I think I was as cheerful as I'm ever gonna get...just ask my wife
For me, it was important to realise that stopping drinking was only the first step in my recovery - I figured I also needed to work on my myself and my underlying issues if I wanted to stay sober.
I really find it's hard for me to be grumpy too often or too long if I like my life and I'm grateful for the good things in it.
Have you done anything else besides just not drinking?
D
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego
Posts: 20
Wow thanks for the support, everyone.
I'm new to all of this, I quit drinking on my own because I finally began listening to what my body was telling me (through ulcers, liver pain, and chronic illness). Like with the drinking, I'm giving myself a very hard look, and I know that my irritability is outside the bounds of normal.
The question becomes, "what to do?".
I Googled PAWS since it was a new term to me, and I think that the answer lies in there somewhere. Nearly everything I'm reading on the matter sounds like me in a nutshell. I have been fortunate in that I have had no urge to drink since I passed the six-week mark... by comparison, I quit smoking nearly eight years ago, and I still have cigarette cravings.
I'm just going to have to find a way to deal with PAWS. How do all of you deal with it without driving your loved ones away?
I'm new to all of this, I quit drinking on my own because I finally began listening to what my body was telling me (through ulcers, liver pain, and chronic illness). Like with the drinking, I'm giving myself a very hard look, and I know that my irritability is outside the bounds of normal.
The question becomes, "what to do?".
I Googled PAWS since it was a new term to me, and I think that the answer lies in there somewhere. Nearly everything I'm reading on the matter sounds like me in a nutshell. I have been fortunate in that I have had no urge to drink since I passed the six-week mark... by comparison, I quit smoking nearly eight years ago, and I still have cigarette cravings.
I'm just going to have to find a way to deal with PAWS. How do all of you deal with it without driving your loved ones away?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi Chris
I was irritable to begin with...we all are I think - but by 5 months, I think I was as cheerful as I'm ever gonna get...just ask my wife
For me, it was important to realise that stopping drinking was only the first step in my recovery - I figured I also needed to work on my myself and my underlying issues if I wanted to stay sober.
I really find it's hard for me to be grumpy too often or too long if I like my life and I'm grateful for the good things in it.
Have you done anything else besides just not drinking?
D
I was irritable to begin with...we all are I think - but by 5 months, I think I was as cheerful as I'm ever gonna get...just ask my wife
For me, it was important to realise that stopping drinking was only the first step in my recovery - I figured I also needed to work on my myself and my underlying issues if I wanted to stay sober.
I really find it's hard for me to be grumpy too often or too long if I like my life and I'm grateful for the good things in it.
Have you done anything else besides just not drinking?
D
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
Newtosoberliving, you must have spoken with my mom today....she's just like that. Has her own agenda. I can't change or cure her and I didn't cause it.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
I second reset and soberjennie. The buddhist way of looking at and dealing with hindrances was very helpful for me. I too had little "zero tolerance for crap" and it did cause me a lot of suffering...part of what helped me was to look closely at what I was defining as crap.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,461
Originally Posted by boston019
There's a supporting problem- I've been unemployed for six months now. I start school on Monday, I have a rigorous exercise program, but I still have had too much time on my hands. I'm used to working 55-75 hours per week. Hopefully school helps with that.
For me, it was a huge thing to realize that my feelings didn't control me, to understand that I could feel the feeling and then let it go.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
I know many people with that disposition, (intolerant of others), who never drank in their lives. Outside of early withdrawal I doubt that this is so much alcohol related as it is a personality trait that needs to be dealt with. Getting sober will not change the essence of a man, it will however give us a sober perspective to deal with what's already there.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by boston019
...but there are only a handful of people on the planet that don't bug the sh*t out of me.
So the question is - How do you change the 6 billion or so, who are the culprits?
The answer is - you can't. You can only change your perception of the culprits by learning to detach from their effect on you.
"In this life - pain is inevitable but suffering is optional".
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego
Posts: 20
Here's an extension of the same problem.
Party buses.
Two weeks ago, the gf gives me a guilt trip about not wanting to go on an eight-hour party bus tour of three wineries for her best friend's birthday. So I went, and was miserable for eight hours. The only entertainment was listening to a ghetto kid blast static over the radio the whole time... and when he got bored with that, he fondled some chicks who had passed out.
Of course she was hungover after and I got stuck cleaning up the mess her friends made with her health, which extends beyong hangovers but to some strange, MS-like nerve pain for which the doctors can provide no diagnosis.
Tomorrow (Saturday) is another party bus tour, for her best friend's birthday (apparently whenever it's someone's birthday, it's her "best" friend), this time it's beer tasting at breweries, same guilt trip, same fighting, yadda yadda yadda... which means eight hours of misery as the only sober person on a bus full of drunk people, people I don't like, to be honest (regardless of whether they drink or not). This also means that on Sunday I have to take care of the mess that will be my hungover gf, and then for days after all I will hear is "my hand hurts" (mystery nerve condition).
If I don't go I'm a "bad partner" and likely leaving her up for grabs from the next creeper who fondles the sleeping, but if I go I have to be miserable for eight hours.
What the hell am I supposed to do? When did I stop being the alcoholic and become the enabler?
Party buses.
Two weeks ago, the gf gives me a guilt trip about not wanting to go on an eight-hour party bus tour of three wineries for her best friend's birthday. So I went, and was miserable for eight hours. The only entertainment was listening to a ghetto kid blast static over the radio the whole time... and when he got bored with that, he fondled some chicks who had passed out.
Of course she was hungover after and I got stuck cleaning up the mess her friends made with her health, which extends beyong hangovers but to some strange, MS-like nerve pain for which the doctors can provide no diagnosis.
Tomorrow (Saturday) is another party bus tour, for her best friend's birthday (apparently whenever it's someone's birthday, it's her "best" friend), this time it's beer tasting at breweries, same guilt trip, same fighting, yadda yadda yadda... which means eight hours of misery as the only sober person on a bus full of drunk people, people I don't like, to be honest (regardless of whether they drink or not). This also means that on Sunday I have to take care of the mess that will be my hungover gf, and then for days after all I will hear is "my hand hurts" (mystery nerve condition).
If I don't go I'm a "bad partner" and likely leaving her up for grabs from the next creeper who fondles the sleeping, but if I go I have to be miserable for eight hours.
What the hell am I supposed to do? When did I stop being the alcoholic and become the enabler?
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