Not progressing
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
Not progressing
I am frustrated. I found an AA group close to were I live. I enjoyed it for the first 3 weeks but my feelings are changing. I can never get a hold of my sponsor when I need her. I have been having family issues but she is up north with her sick mother. I only have two numbers for contact. We have yet to start going over the 12 steps. I know I need to find another sponsor. Lately when I have gone to meetings, I am getting more and more comments from the men. The day I got my month chip, a couple of the men were poking at each other making comments about giving me the chip so they could get a hug. When I pick up my chip, the guy handing them out told me he loved long legged redheads and his last 3 wives were redheads. Then another man asked me which one of them were going to be my boyfriend. I blew it off. The next meeting I went to, 3 of the guys were talking and one stated, " were are all probably too old for you aren't we?" When I told them I was a nurse, I have heard several statements like "boy, I wish she was my nurse and I want to be sick so you can take care of me." I am not leading these men on. I smile a lot. It's just my nature. These men are all over 60. Most are old enough to be my father. I'm frustrated. I don't want to find a new meeting. I have had too many changes in these last months. The only womens groups are about 45 minutes away from my house. Most are either too late or too early. I really want to start getting into the steps. I know AA will help me. I'm having so many stressful situations with my family right now. I fear that if I don't get deep into the program, I am going to have too much anxiety. I am still in the stage of my sobriety that my moods are constantly changing. Last week I was on cloud nine. This week I can't tolerate any extra stress so I am not even answering calls from my family. I want to be the happy person I used to be without all the added drama. Life was quiet and normal then. 
On a more positive note, I am spending the day today with both of my beautiful daughters.
On a more positive note, I am spending the day today with both of my beautiful daughters.
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Angel...it sounds like you need a different sponsor and a different meeting, as you've noted. I'm glad you are keeping up on SR, it's an important lifeline for all of us.
I am in the Cincinnati area, a large area. For 11 yrs., I kept going to the wrong meetings, and was less than enamored with AA. It was similar to my previous experience; a lot of old coffee drinkers and smokers. Yes, there was sobriety, but did I REALLY want what they had? Maybe in sobriety, but not in life. Call me a snob, I don't care, but it just wasn't for me. So I stopped going.
My drinking didn't get any better, and the inevitable bottoms kept coming. Finally, when I knew enough was enough, I went to a SmartRecovery meeting. It was a younger, more progressive crowd, with a different approach: CBT vs. spiritual. I thought, hey, I have my spirituality together, let me work on my mental state with drinking. I like it and continue going. However, during a particular testy time at home, I had to get away, and went to a new AA meeting. After 11 yrs in town, I found the right meeting for me. A lively, positive bunch. Yes, a lot are older, but that's okay. There's a great spirit among the group, and I think I've even found a potential sponsor, which I've never had in 28 yrs of "testing" the program.
In addition to the above, I'm seeing an addiction therapist for the first time in my life. My second appt is Monday. I already see value.
My point is: don't let the turkeys get you down. I've been keeping up with your posts, and you and your family are in my prayers. I see a lot of strength and resolves in your posts, because they are honest and sincere, which is what recovery rigorously takes.
I am on day 14 today. I had my first drinking dreams last night, after an especially busy and mildly stressful day. I was on a cruise in my dream, and thought I could get away with it since I was nowhere near my normal environment. Woke up feeling guilty. I really don't want to drink anymore, and certainly don't want my psyche reminding me of drinking!
Take care, LPN, and have a great sober day!
I am in the Cincinnati area, a large area. For 11 yrs., I kept going to the wrong meetings, and was less than enamored with AA. It was similar to my previous experience; a lot of old coffee drinkers and smokers. Yes, there was sobriety, but did I REALLY want what they had? Maybe in sobriety, but not in life. Call me a snob, I don't care, but it just wasn't for me. So I stopped going.
My drinking didn't get any better, and the inevitable bottoms kept coming. Finally, when I knew enough was enough, I went to a SmartRecovery meeting. It was a younger, more progressive crowd, with a different approach: CBT vs. spiritual. I thought, hey, I have my spirituality together, let me work on my mental state with drinking. I like it and continue going. However, during a particular testy time at home, I had to get away, and went to a new AA meeting. After 11 yrs in town, I found the right meeting for me. A lively, positive bunch. Yes, a lot are older, but that's okay. There's a great spirit among the group, and I think I've even found a potential sponsor, which I've never had in 28 yrs of "testing" the program.
In addition to the above, I'm seeing an addiction therapist for the first time in my life. My second appt is Monday. I already see value.
My point is: don't let the turkeys get you down. I've been keeping up with your posts, and you and your family are in my prayers. I see a lot of strength and resolves in your posts, because they are honest and sincere, which is what recovery rigorously takes.
I am on day 14 today. I had my first drinking dreams last night, after an especially busy and mildly stressful day. I was on a cruise in my dream, and thought I could get away with it since I was nowhere near my normal environment. Woke up feeling guilty. I really don't want to drink anymore, and certainly don't want my psyche reminding me of drinking!
Take care, LPN, and have a great sober day!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
Thank you Lofty. Congrats on day 14. Every single day is a milestone. I do need to find a new meeting. I just didn't want to add more change right now but I have to do what is best for my sobriety. A good mixture of ages is great in AA. You have your older, wiser members and then younger ones that help remind you of where we used to be. I am going to my 10am meeting today. I should have went to several meetings to find the right one as others have suggested. Starting tomorrow, I am going to start looking around and try new meetings. Live and learn I guess. Have a great day today.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
I'm sorry you had that experience. Sometimes a group sticks together and just stays sick together. I have been able to attend various meetings in different areas. I have a hard time with one group who meets in the mornings-6 days a week at 7 and on Sunday at 8:30 am. What gets me is it's the same people. We have many meetings here, but the Sunday meeting, different building, same people kinda bothered me.
I missed today's 7 am meeting, felt guilty, but maybe it was for the best.
If I were at your meeting I may go off on the group and take their inventory while I shared...telling them I was there for sobriety, not for harassment, blah blah. I've done it once this summer.
You can take the alcohol out of the person, but if they aren't working their program, their behavior doesn't change and they are just dry drunks.
I don't enjoy women's meetings--whine fests with cliques. If you have 10+ years and never bother talking to a newcomer, I don't need that kind of "sobriety."
I also have a hard time with "aa clubs" as they don't adhere to the aa principles, traditions, or concepts. Bad coffee shouldn't cost 2 bucks and rules change according to people's whims. Again, where's the sober behavior?
Book meetings and step meetings seem better as I see a direction, again, variety helps!
Are you reading the big book? Listen to Sandy B. on xa-speakers. Recordings from a serious group in Washington DC step study meeting from 1994...good step info. Bob S. on 4d group (fourth dimension group from I think St Louis) has a big book study on their site, they haven't updated in a while and Bob now has 34 years--audio study is about 15 years old, still relevant!
Keep moving on. Many people have been rehabbed into thinking step work is a slow process, but for me, it needed to be more than rehab, and I will have done 4 4th (all 12) before I can sponsor another.
Ask your HP for guidance and to help you find the meeting you need.
I need others for guidance and to see changes in me I don't see.
Get more numbers, I have almost 100 now, so when I need to vent I try one number at a time...
Prayers and best wishes to you!
I missed today's 7 am meeting, felt guilty, but maybe it was for the best.
If I were at your meeting I may go off on the group and take their inventory while I shared...telling them I was there for sobriety, not for harassment, blah blah. I've done it once this summer.
You can take the alcohol out of the person, but if they aren't working their program, their behavior doesn't change and they are just dry drunks.
I don't enjoy women's meetings--whine fests with cliques. If you have 10+ years and never bother talking to a newcomer, I don't need that kind of "sobriety."
I also have a hard time with "aa clubs" as they don't adhere to the aa principles, traditions, or concepts. Bad coffee shouldn't cost 2 bucks and rules change according to people's whims. Again, where's the sober behavior?
Book meetings and step meetings seem better as I see a direction, again, variety helps!
Are you reading the big book? Listen to Sandy B. on xa-speakers. Recordings from a serious group in Washington DC step study meeting from 1994...good step info. Bob S. on 4d group (fourth dimension group from I think St Louis) has a big book study on their site, they haven't updated in a while and Bob now has 34 years--audio study is about 15 years old, still relevant!
Keep moving on. Many people have been rehabbed into thinking step work is a slow process, but for me, it needed to be more than rehab, and I will have done 4 4th (all 12) before I can sponsor another.
Ask your HP for guidance and to help you find the meeting you need.
I need others for guidance and to see changes in me I don't see.
Get more numbers, I have almost 100 now, so when I need to vent I try one number at a time...
Prayers and best wishes to you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,928
Sorry about that. That's disgusting! I'm a 64 year old man who has been married and abstinate - not my choice - for the last 20 years or so, but I would never think to say something like that even to someone my age at any time. It's especially onerous at a meeting. That is one SICK meeting.
I'm glad you are looking for a different group. If you are not completely comfortable and feel that you will be respected and helped, that your anonomity will be respected, and you will not be taken advantage of it's pointless to attend that meeting.
I'm glad you are looking for a different group. If you are not completely comfortable and feel that you will be respected and helped, that your anonomity will be respected, and you will not be taken advantage of it's pointless to attend that meeting.
I am sorry you were subjected to those men being idiots! I don't have any suggestions becuz I don't know your area. However, I do understand being frustrated and fighting anxiety. I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
I'm sorry to hear about your meeting troubles. In my experience, meetings vary widely. Some are really good and some make me want to go drink after I've gone to them.
Keep looking around. You know what you need for support.
Keep looking around. You know what you need for support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: the high desert
Posts: 887
Hug. You have made way more progress than you can realize right now. I am very proud of you.
Are there some women at the meeting you can trust? You could talk to them about the comments you have been hearing and sit with them during meetings as well. The men saying these things are probably harmless and are trying to give you compliments in their own way, but i can understand that it would bother you. Remember, some in the rooms are sicker than others, no matter how many years of sobriety they have.
I think you need to find a new sponsor, and need to talk to your current one about how she has not been available. In my opinion, it is never too early to start going through the steps.
i am glad you are spending the day with your daughters. What a lovely blessing to have a sober and healthy day with them.
Are there some women at the meeting you can trust? You could talk to them about the comments you have been hearing and sit with them during meetings as well. The men saying these things are probably harmless and are trying to give you compliments in their own way, but i can understand that it would bother you. Remember, some in the rooms are sicker than others, no matter how many years of sobriety they have.
I think you need to find a new sponsor, and need to talk to your current one about how she has not been available. In my opinion, it is never too early to start going through the steps.
i am glad you are spending the day with your daughters. What a lovely blessing to have a sober and healthy day with them.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
Definitely fire your sponsor. Not being reachable is a recipe for disaster, and it's obvious this sponsor is not serious about her responsibilities. As an aside, I find it reprehensible that you aren't working the steps yet. That is exactly what AA is supposed to be about!!!!
As for the guys, meh... there are knuckleheads everywhere. Turn over any rock and you'll find some clown acting like a 4 year old child. The only time I ever tried a face to face AA meeting here women flirted with me overtly, one even asked me on a date as I was leaving. I found it rather sick as well. Went there dying and in need of help yet it seemed like I was nothing more than the display model for a new ride. Strange - if not odd - that meeting was also very religious in nature. You'd think God gave them a handle on their libido, but apparently not.
If you can't find another meeting then just take some time to gather up your thoughts and put those buggers in their place. Maybe stand up and share about how you are having a hard time lately because some dirty old men have taken too much Viagra and forgotten what AA is all about.
Should get their goat, or at least send a message that they truly need to STFU and leave you the hell alone.
I will say their behavior is highly disrespectful, but in the end it's their own made bed. You're recovering from a serious illness so if you MUST attend that particular meeting, just tear them a new one and don't let it affect you. They are certainly not worth space in your brain.
Congrats Ipnangel, you're sober. That is the only important thing here.
As for the guys, meh... there are knuckleheads everywhere. Turn over any rock and you'll find some clown acting like a 4 year old child. The only time I ever tried a face to face AA meeting here women flirted with me overtly, one even asked me on a date as I was leaving. I found it rather sick as well. Went there dying and in need of help yet it seemed like I was nothing more than the display model for a new ride. Strange - if not odd - that meeting was also very religious in nature. You'd think God gave them a handle on their libido, but apparently not.
If you can't find another meeting then just take some time to gather up your thoughts and put those buggers in their place. Maybe stand up and share about how you are having a hard time lately because some dirty old men have taken too much Viagra and forgotten what AA is all about.
Should get their goat, or at least send a message that they truly need to STFU and leave you the hell alone. I will say their behavior is highly disrespectful, but in the end it's their own made bed. You're recovering from a serious illness so if you MUST attend that particular meeting, just tear them a new one and don't let it affect you. They are certainly not worth space in your brain.
Congrats Ipnangel, you're sober. That is the only important thing here.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sunny FL
Posts: 647
Originally Posted by GettingStronger2 
Hug. You have made way more progress than you can realize right now. I am very proud of you.
Are there some women at the meeting you can trust? You could talk to them about the comments you have been hearing and sit with them during meetings as well. The men saying these things are probably harmless and are trying to give you compliments in their own way, but i can understand that it would bother you. Remember, some in the rooms are sicker than others, no matter how many years of sobriety they have.
I think you need to find a new sponsor, and need to talk to your current one about how she has not been available. In my opinion, it is never too early to start going through the steps.
i am glad you are spending the day with your daughters. What a lovely blessing to have a sober and healthy day with them.
Are there some women at the meeting you can trust? You could talk to them about the comments you have been hearing and sit with them during meetings as well. The men saying these things are probably harmless and are trying to give you compliments in their own way, but i can understand that it would bother you. Remember, some in the rooms are sicker than others, no matter how many years of sobriety they have.
I think you need to find a new sponsor, and need to talk to your current one about how she has not been available. In my opinion, it is never too early to start going through the steps.
i am glad you are spending the day with your daughters. What a lovely blessing to have a sober and healthy day with them.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Wow, just read your OP. That's just terrible that they would act like that. That would bother and offend any sensible person. On days like that, I do the same thing as you, and just put my trust in better days ahead. My faith is usually rewarded—hope yours is soon.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 98
lpn ... Sorry to hear your story but in my short time in AA, I've decided that all groups are not equal. I choose to spend my time at those that are beneficial to my recovery. I am fortunate to have options. I wish you the best and continued success with your journey.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Sounds like the womens' groups would be worth the 45 minute drive for you. And if you make that move, you might consider "sharing" with your present group your reasons for preferring a womens' group. This behavior, known in AA as "13th Stepping", is inappropriate and inexcusable.Put it down as a "character defect" and suggest that they include it in their "inventory".
W.
W.
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