Sisterella

I love my sister, so very much. Tonight, we don't know where she is. We know she is out wandering the streets, drunk, half crazy, and depressed. I have had so many nights like these. Crying out to God for her safety, and protection. Praying that God will send that one person into her life that will get through to her. Praying that the scales would fall from her eyes so she could see what a WONDERFUL life she could have if she would just let go of bitterness and the bottle. That her fractured soul, broken spirit and wounded soul would seek healing some other way. I hate hearing my Mom and Dad in tears and in fear for her. How does she not see that she's not just hurting herself, but us, and her son as well. Or does she see and just not care? I'm not giving up on her, but I'm to the point that I'm angry, and that is not where I want to be either. I have days where I resent this "thing" from stealing my sister(the real person that I grew up with) away from me and turning her into a raging psychopath each night. I have days, and nights like tonight, where I am so wrapped up in fear that I doubt I will sleep. I have days filled with hope that she will beat this thing. Loving someone so much and seeing them throw their life away is the most draining thing I have ever been through. I've learned that forcing someone to get help when they don't want it is useless. I just don't know WHY someone in so much pain would not want to get better. NOTHING I say or do helps. I love her with all my heart, I pray for her without ceasing, I don't want to lose her. I just don't know what to do anymore.

J-Diver

I pray she gets the help she needs, but in the meantime, you find peace!

BobbyJ

We all understand, Just keep on posting for some support tonight.

Much Love To You!!

Sisterella

I'm just at the end of my emotional rope. I have been making myself sick with worry for over a year, with the worst being the last 5 months. I live almost 3000 miles away and can't BE there for her, but even when I have been RIGHT THERE it hasn't made a difference. One of her friends and I talked her into going to detox 2 weekends ago. I also told her that if she didn't go I would force her to go. She was drunk less than 24 hours after she got out. I was really hoping that if she got really sober she would see the mess she was in. Lesson learned for me, I will never force her to get help again. Until she wants it, it is just an excercise in futility. I had really let this go last week. First week of peace I had had in months. Now this. Praying that God will let me turn it over to Him and grant me peace.

TakingCharge999

Sisterella I am thinking of you. May you find peace during this difficult time. I am sorry you are going through this
Let me recommend you a book, its called "The Grief club" by Melody Beatty. Also "The LAnguage of letting go".
The grief club is about all kinds of changes, including the loss of an alcoholic or addict. Very helpful book, it includes exercises, it had the compassion I needed when losing the alcoholic boyfriend I had. (This was 3 years ago and he still drinks but it no longer affects my life). I guess with family members ... the pain is even worse We are here for you.

Sisterella

Thanks so much TakingCharge... Think you hit at the core of the matter... There is no such thing as an XAS. They just remain your AS. Hurts like heck. You know I used to laugh in math class when I learned that saying to help you remember the order for math problems - "Please Excuse My Drunk @$$ Sister"... Just not as funny these days that it has become a constant reality. Yet I love her, more deeply than she will ever know.

TakingCharge999

Sisterella your sister knows you love her, and she loves you too. This will never change.

I don't know how I would cope if mine had an issue like that, a sister is a piece of our heart period. But here I have seen people who have dettached from their siblings, or kids...just a matter of self conservation- otherwise its 2 people sick- sounds like a monumental task though... maybe its faith, HP that helps them get by.

You are very, very strong Sisterella.

Sisterella

I do know that somewhere deep down she loves me. I KNOW that. Yet part of me can't help think that if she REALLY loved me she wouldn't do this to herself. And if that she knows that, and still continues to destroy her life, then everytime she tells me she loves me she's actually lying to me and to herself. Just heartbroken. I hate sleepless nights. I'm occupying my time trying to write a new blogpost on faith... The irony of that has not esacped me.

rorty

I feel your pain.

Sisterella

....and one more night of getting a 3:30 phone call. You pray it's not your parents or someone else calling to say that she is dead. Your heart actually sinks and you feel like you are going to pass out before you listen. It gets really sad when start to pray that she has only been arrested, or is in the hospital. Tonight she managed to let my parents know she was home safe. Or some one did. Another night lost to the torment of worry and fear. This is hell, yet losing her forever would be even worse. Gotta let this go. Think I'll go throw up first.

chicory

Sisterella,
i pray that she is near her bottom. she surely knows she is hurting everyone. how old is her son?
praying that she seeks help very soon,
chicory

coffeedrinker

(((hugs)))

RollTide

There is a group called Alanon that helped me a lot when I was hurting. I'm sure there is a local one in your area. You will find face to face support and it is amazing how much it helps.

Peace to you.

Sisterella

Thanks everyone...

Chicoy - her son is 6. She and her exhusband have 50/50. Her drinking is always bad the day she drops him off.

Rolltide... I am no longer living in the States and the closest Al-Anon meeting is several hours away. Wondering if there is one I can do virtually? Will look into it.

Going to try to make this a good day. She woke up this side of the dirt this morning, so there is still hope, but that is up to her.

TakingCharge999

When I was wondering the same about the XABF I realized, perhaps he just feels so badly about himself, his opinion of himself is so low (he knows what he is doing) that he doesn't realize how much others truly care.

This was my same case during my worst codependency years, I knew family loved me but I just didn't feel it that much, had a barrier of hurting and resentment built around my heart. To me it was all the same, the world was going to be the same with me or without me. It was all about my zero self esteem. When I said I loved others .. it may have appeared as a lie .. but it was all I could feel or do at the moment..all I knew. Well, this helps me not take personally XABF's actions. Now it finally sank in, they were never really about me.

There are alanon online forums...

Online Al-Anon Outreach

There are many others..