Dalia

I’ve been lurking on these boards for over a month and I decided to join you. I’m 40 years old and have been a big drinker the past six years ago. My m.o. has been as follows. I keep a little stash of alcohol hidden. I can relate to the stories of rotating the liquor stores. Every day I drink enough in secret to get a buzz before my boyfriend gets home after work. I’m not drunk usually and this behavior isn’t commented on. If my plans include going out, I drink from my secret stash before going out and then I drink a ‘normal’ amount of drinks with everyone else. Most of the time I’m able to get a really good buzz on but not get out of control such that any friend or family member calls me on it. Occasionally I get really drunk and sometimes this happens frequently. Some of the shameful aspects of my behavior are that I forget conversations and repeat myself the next day, forget plans I made while intoxicated, etc. Every morning I would wake up with at least a mild hangover. I have a successful career and am also into physical fitness and run a lot. The alcohol is not helping me to be all that I can be in any aspect of my life. Occasionally I would go on a big big bender lasting 1 to 2 days. A few stressful things happened, including a friend dying, and I went on a series of benders and a really big one that included drinking a lot in the morning so I could get to work and drinking at work. I felt worse than I have every felt before and it started to occur to me that maybe I could die too. I came home and laid on the couch and held my cell phone to be ready to call 911. I stopped drinking there and then for 10 days. I went to the Dr., still convinced that I might have a diseased liver and my tests came out fine. Those 10 days (July 13 to 22) were the best days of my life. I was on this website every day, thanks to you all. Waking up and not being hungover has to be the best feeling in the world. I looked better, felt better, ran faster, etc. My life was much better. Then a trip came up and I reverted to where I was, trying to secretly drink and get a buzz on. I think if I continue on this course it will eventually get worse and I will have health issues. I don’t think stealth drinking and trying to walk the line is the ticket. There is nothing fun about it. Like many, I cling to the fantasy that I’m going to be a normal drinker. For now, I’ve dumped my stash and I’m going to give it a shot.

MycoolFitz

Welcome. Glad you're posting as well as reading. Its a powerful site. I used to have a strong desire to be a normal drinker, now I see no point in it. Life is so much simplier and livable with the booze out of the equation. so I'm glad you're giving sobriety a shot, and maybe, who knows, not for just now. I know, for me, no longer how long I was sober, if I picked up I was right back in my dis-ease and then some.

NewDayNewWay

You have taken the toughest step in addressing and admitting you have a problem.
I made a decision to quit last week , and these forums are a great place to lurk/post, lots of support here .
Wish you lots of good luck and success in your goal to quit.
I found getting into a support group early its critical, or at least was for me.

Opivotal

Your behavior sounds very similar to mine when I was drinking. I can tell you it leads to problems. The sneaking especially. I did control it for a while, but it catches up with you. I think you are wise to address it now. No matter how hard I tried to control it , alcohol wound up controlling me. Eventually all day every day!




Best Wishes To You!

nandm

Welcome to SR.

Glad you are here and found us helpful during your past attempt at finding sobriety. I do hope you will find us helpful once again. I know SR has been a big part of my recovery over the years. There are some really wonderful and supportive people here.

hmltnls

You go girl

StPeteGrad

I would strongly recommend getting the book "Under the influence."

It explains in great detail what is going on in your body and why we drink the way we do. Knowledge is power.

Peace,
SPG

SindyLuhu

You've taken the first step. Come here often. There is so much support. What you are doing is not easy. We are all here to support you!

Zebra1275

I've done the stealth drinking thing many times and in many different ways. I fooled most everybody, including myself.

However, I could not fool my own body which eventually found a way to rebel.

artsoul

Welcome Dalia - It really does get harder and harder to manage our addiction: all the hiding, sneaking things in/out, planning and plotting...... even the hangovers start getting worse. So the sooner we quit, the better.

Sounds like you're ready. It takes time for the obsession to go away, but it's so rewarding when it does. Keep posting and reading!:ghug3

Dee74

Hi Dalia

I was a stealth drinker too - and a binger - and I considered myself a controlled drinker but I nevertheless sometimes lost control...badly - so I think I know where you're at.

And yes, it does and will get worse so you're wise to do something about it now, I think

Have you got a plan besides coming to SR?

Welcome

D

Hevyn

I was the same way, dalia. I insisted I could control my drinking with willpower. I don't know why I thought I had to cling to alcohol. In the end, it was never fun anymore & I was in misery. I grieved over having to quit like I'd lost my best friend.

The relief of being clearheaded & coherent was huge, though - and I began to enjoy not being numb or foggy. I know you can do this, and have the life you want. Sounds like you are determined - congratulations on your decision.

sugarbear1

Welcome!

Just cause no one calls you on it doesn't mean much other than they aren't calling you on it...

You can get and stay sober! Best wishes!

CarolD

Welcome to the posting side of our recovery community....

I too was a blackout drinker...the best news is...they stopped immmeidately when I quit drinking.
I now know what I said and did all the time...

CaiHong

Dahlia,
I could so relate to your thankyou for reminding me why I should not drink. Isn't it so weird after so many days we feel great for not drinking and then go back to the slippery sliding slope.
Cai Hong

Dalia

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. Dee, I do have a plan! I'm going to keep coming here and I'm also going to keep reading the materials suggested to me. I'm also going to keep a journal. Today on day 2 I already feel much better. I'm going to feign illness to get out of happy hours, etc. for now. I know I'm not dealing with it as directly as I could but I will see what happens. I would never even be trying this if I had not stumbled upon these forums and gotten inspired by you all.