Mothers Intuition Tells Me Is Starting Again!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
Mothers Intuition Tells Me Is Starting Again!
Hi all, it's been a while since I have posted here, which is a good thing!! My AS went to jail in April for 21 days.. He has been a totally different kid since he got out!! Well atleast until the past week or so. I am seeing the behaviors starting once again. I am also finding that my boundries I once had are GONE!! I did the whole empty threat thing yesterday and quickly stopped myself.
His current story is... He is 20, living at home, working approx 12 hours a week making $130.00 per week mowing lawns. As soon as he gets money.. it's gone... He is smoking tons of Spice.. every dime he gets goes to Spice.. I get the but mom it's not heroin or pills like I use to do... BUT I have also found the synthetic oipates you can buy in the smoke shop in his room. So to me it's all the same... I have told him get a full time jod and get working on your diploma.. He quickly says, I dont have a cell phone to call on jobs nor do I have a car to get around... I told him I didnt care about either... He makes enough money to get a phone and he can ride his 12 year old sisters bike to the mall and get a job or ride the bus....If he needs to get to the smoke shop to buy Spice, he always finds a way to get there....My parent give him rides whenever he needs one, they borrow him money.. I keep telling them to STOP and what he is doing with their money. It's not to go eat or see a movie...
Anyways back to Alanon to find my stregnth again!!!
His current story is... He is 20, living at home, working approx 12 hours a week making $130.00 per week mowing lawns. As soon as he gets money.. it's gone... He is smoking tons of Spice.. every dime he gets goes to Spice.. I get the but mom it's not heroin or pills like I use to do... BUT I have also found the synthetic oipates you can buy in the smoke shop in his room. So to me it's all the same... I have told him get a full time jod and get working on your diploma.. He quickly says, I dont have a cell phone to call on jobs nor do I have a car to get around... I told him I didnt care about either... He makes enough money to get a phone and he can ride his 12 year old sisters bike to the mall and get a job or ride the bus....If he needs to get to the smoke shop to buy Spice, he always finds a way to get there....My parent give him rides whenever he needs one, they borrow him money.. I keep telling them to STOP and what he is doing with their money. It's not to go eat or see a movie...
Anyways back to Alanon to find my stregnth again!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Why would he do anything different? He's got a roof over his head, a bed to sleep in, and food to fill his belly.
20 years old is plenty old enough to be carrying his own weight, even if it's paying rent to you each month.
As it is, he's responsible for nothing but mowing lawns.
Insanity = repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
When are you going to stop letting him walk all over you?
20 years old is plenty old enough to be carrying his own weight, even if it's paying rent to you each month.
As it is, he's responsible for nothing but mowing lawns.
Insanity = repeating the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
When are you going to stop letting him walk all over you?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Back when the facts told me it was starting all over again. This forum served to ground me that the only thing starting up all over again that I controlled was my own codependency. The more I focused on my daughter, the less I focused on my own issues and role in the chaos. Rather convenient, eh.
This 20 year old kid is not remotely in recovery. We codependents and addicts have much in common. We can and do rationalize our behaviors. We get caught up in the "it's not so bad or it's not as bad as...." thing.
Bunch of hooey.
You are supporting an active drug user in your home. It's either acceptable or not, no ifs ands or buts. He is highly unlikely to consider alternatives given he has not had to take responsibility for himself. There is nothing you can do or say that will keep him clean or cause his drug usage to include his former choices. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
You have attemped to educate your parents. They choose to enable. You can't control them anymore than you can control your son's choices.
This 20 year old kid is not remotely in recovery. We codependents and addicts have much in common. We can and do rationalize our behaviors. We get caught up in the "it's not so bad or it's not as bad as...." thing.
Bunch of hooey.
You are supporting an active drug user in your home. It's either acceptable or not, no ifs ands or buts. He is highly unlikely to consider alternatives given he has not had to take responsibility for himself. There is nothing you can do or say that will keep him clean or cause his drug usage to include his former choices. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
You have attemped to educate your parents. They choose to enable. You can't control them anymore than you can control your son's choices.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
Boundaries !!! You must have them and stand by them !
As a mother you know this, I pray you find the strength no matter how hard it is.
He needs to seek help. Professional help, if not NA. You already have it here and with al-anon. Might I suggest you try nar-anon it helped me even more than al-anon.
It is so hard as parents to watch and see them make the mistakes, but we can only control ourselves. This is a new world were not trained/taught how to handle addiction. We have a tough road ahead of us. I am hoping together we parents on SR can make some difference with this disease that so may have.
be strong and be well,
As a mother you know this, I pray you find the strength no matter how hard it is.
He needs to seek help. Professional help, if not NA. You already have it here and with al-anon. Might I suggest you try nar-anon it helped me even more than al-anon.
It is so hard as parents to watch and see them make the mistakes, but we can only control ourselves. This is a new world were not trained/taught how to handle addiction. We have a tough road ahead of us. I am hoping together we parents on SR can make some difference with this disease that so may have.
be strong and be well,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Murray Utah
Posts: 153
It always sucks hearing the truth!! But you are all 110% right!! He has schizophrenia, but is just fine while he gets his injections. I think part of me wants to believe his actions are cause he does not know better, but I know that is not true at all!! I can think of so many enabling examples that both my paretns and I have been doing it makes me mad that I am back in the codie mode!! UGH time to put myself in check!! Damn kids I tell ya are terrorists!!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I agree with Anvil, you are enabling him. He is old enough to be on his own, may be time for you to allow him the diginty of becoming a man.
Until you stop babying him and allow him to face the world as an adult, nothing will change.
Until you stop babying him and allow him to face the world as an adult, nothing will change.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by enodm 
It always sucks hearing the truth!! But you are all 110% right!! He has schizophrenia, but is just fine while he gets his injections. I think part of me wants to believe his actions are cause he does not know better, but I know that is not true at all!! I can think of so many enabling examples that both my paretns and I have been doing it makes me mad that I am back in the codie mode!! UGH time to put myself in check!! Damn kids I tell ya are terrorists!!
My daughter just turned 34 and I only kicked her out of my home 5 months ago. She wasn't doing drugs then but she was an alcoholic, it was pure torture for me to have her here.
My excuse was I have to allow her to stay here because of my granddaughter, because at least that way I can keep my GD safe. I quit having a life because of my constant fear that she would take my GD away and that she would no longer be safe. I felt I always had to be at home. People would tell me to kick her out, but the thought of doing that and her taking my GD was something I just couldn't do. I told everyone, if it was just her she would have been out of here a long time ago.. though honestly I didn't know if I would have.
She manipulated me and used her daughter against me whenever she didn't like something I said or she was mad at me.. or when she wanted something. I allowed that to happen to me.
She did something to me back in March and that was the last straw, told her right then and there, get out of my house (she lived in my suite, total cost to her $400 a month, that included everything) and I told her she wasn't talking her daughter with her.
Though much drama has stayed in my life because of her, (since she is now an AAD) I still had a large weight lifted off my shoulders. My GD and I no longer have the constant tip toeing around her or worrying about her moods on a daily basis.
My next battle will be hard to deal with, but in the end it's for my GD.
I hope you find the courage and strength to do what you need to do for YOU.
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