Doctors
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 62
Doctors
Hi everyone,
My husband, for the time being, has agreed to get some help for his alcoholism. I feel like it's important to do so soon since his arrest is still fresh in his mind. He finally said to me that he realizes he had a problem when he was sitting in jail. Could be just words, but... It may not totally be his decision (I admit I urged him by saying that I would not put the kids in danger, he can't make functional decisions when drinking, etc. Essentially I said that if he drank again, he would have to move back in with his parents until he sobered up again.) I'm not sure if that was a boundary or ultimatum, but that's a different question all together. I'm sure there will be relapses and I'll have to kick him out at some point, but we'll get to that when we do.
ANYWAYS, I'm trying to find a doctor for him and I'm stuck. He's tried a therapist before. He's not much of a talker (part of the whole problem) and he quit going. I would actually like to have someone able to address his disease from a medical point of view, plus he has several things physically wrong with him that I am convinced is from the drinking. I think that actual medical knowledge was recommended in one of the books I read. "Under the Influence" I think, but I'm overwhelmed. The search from my friend was "doctors that diagnose alcoholism," but there are all sorts of doctors: internal medicine, family practice, psychiatrist, gastroenterologist... I have no idea who I should call or what kinds of questions to ask. (BTW, is it enabling if I do the calling? Ideally he should do it, but he's in the midst of detoxing and isn't up to doing much right now.)
My husband, for the time being, has agreed to get some help for his alcoholism. I feel like it's important to do so soon since his arrest is still fresh in his mind. He finally said to me that he realizes he had a problem when he was sitting in jail. Could be just words, but... It may not totally be his decision (I admit I urged him by saying that I would not put the kids in danger, he can't make functional decisions when drinking, etc. Essentially I said that if he drank again, he would have to move back in with his parents until he sobered up again.) I'm not sure if that was a boundary or ultimatum, but that's a different question all together. I'm sure there will be relapses and I'll have to kick him out at some point, but we'll get to that when we do.
ANYWAYS, I'm trying to find a doctor for him and I'm stuck. He's tried a therapist before. He's not much of a talker (part of the whole problem) and he quit going. I would actually like to have someone able to address his disease from a medical point of view, plus he has several things physically wrong with him that I am convinced is from the drinking. I think that actual medical knowledge was recommended in one of the books I read. "Under the Influence" I think, but I'm overwhelmed. The search from my friend was "doctors that diagnose alcoholism," but there are all sorts of doctors: internal medicine, family practice, psychiatrist, gastroenterologist... I have no idea who I should call or what kinds of questions to ask. (BTW, is it enabling if I do the calling? Ideally he should do it, but he's in the midst of detoxing and isn't up to doing much right now.)
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Perhaps you can contact an outpatient alcohol treatment center in your community that can provide some referrals to doctors that are familiar with alcoholism in your community. I think it is a good idea to see a doctor; detox can get a bit dicey and sometimes needs medical supervision.
Before I got sober, I was in therapy as well, but managed to skate around the drinking issue pretty well (after all, I drank because of it was everyone else that had problems, not me, right?) For this reason, I am also recommending alcohol treatment; not general therapy.
My experience also tells me that if any contact is initiated for alcohol treatment, it usually has to be initiated by the alcoholic.
I wish both of you much success in your journey.
Before I got sober, I was in therapy as well, but managed to skate around the drinking issue pretty well (after all, I drank because of it was everyone else that had problems, not me, right?) For this reason, I am also recommending alcohol treatment; not general therapy.
My experience also tells me that if any contact is initiated for alcohol treatment, it usually has to be initiated by the alcoholic.
I wish both of you much success in your journey.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Perhaps, if he did not like the counselor he saw before, he could be allowed to find his own treatment plan, his own counselor, his own program for his own alcoholism.
I know this may sound harsh to you that you would just leave him alone to take care of this for himself, but that is what most adults should do.....be responsible for their own care. This frees you from any blame if he does not like what he has done.
I'm glad that he said he needs help, I hope that it will continue!
Hugs, HG
I know this may sound harsh to you that you would just leave him alone to take care of this for himself, but that is what most adults should do.....be responsible for their own care. This frees you from any blame if he does not like what he has done.
I'm glad that he said he needs help, I hope that it will continue!
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 86
My husband is currently in an intensive outpatient program (IOP) and the counselors and CNP/chemist are working on his underlying "triggers" or issues that cause him to drink, along with the help of his PCP. We learned his triggers are anxiety, coping skills, work stress and a bad back. My RAH is now 35 days sober and so far, we did blood work to determine some chemical issues with his anxiety, so they put him on Cymbalta. His counselor suggested he see his PCP re his back, so he had an MRI which showed a herniated disc, a bulging disc and arthritis in his back. He's scheduled for a workup in a local spine pain clinic. The Cymbalta has helped him "calm down", sleep better and it has quelled his cravings to drink. His drinking was determined to be linked to the anxiety and back pain - mostly self-medicating. So, in our case, putting together a "team" to help determine what's best for him to arrest his alcoholic behaviors. 35 days is the longest period of time he's ever gone without drinking, so I pray he stays on this path. Our team is very supportive of him and me. I go to Al-Anon and also participate with family counseling with him. It all started with him going to a local counseling center that is focused on addiction. I think, for us, his doctor always said "well, stop drinking", but the counselors at this center do the hard work of finding underlying issues and then making recommendations that his PCP help by implementing those recommendations.
Take what you like and leave the rest. God bless you and your husband and the best of luck to both of you in finding the right path.
Take what you like and leave the rest. God bless you and your husband and the best of luck to both of you in finding the right path.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
ANYWAYS, I'm trying to find a doctor for him and I'm stuck.
Now that he 'says' he 'realizes he has a problem' great. Now HIS ACTIONS will show whether they are just words.
Most Rehabs, most counselors, therapists, psych doctors, all agree that the A themselves NEED to SEEK their OWN RECOVERY. Actions meeting the words.
I am sorry sweetie, I understand how much you want him sober, but again this is really his problem and he must do it ALL.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by heres2hope 
(BTW, is it enabling if I do the calling? Ideally he should do it, but he's in the midst of detoxing and isn't up to doing much right now.)
He's an adult. Detox or not, he can make decisions and pick up the phone.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
This is his problem to resolve, he is an adult and you are not his mommy. Enabling is doing for others that which they are capable of doing for themselves.
He is detoxing because he got bombed, this is his problem too. You are making excuses for him.
Until you back off and allow him to face the consequences of his actions, he will never fall to his knees and never embrace a recovery program.
And again, I strongly urge you to get yourself to meetings so you have a better understanding of alcoholism and drug addiction. Until you get yourself into recovery nothing will change, all you are doing is spinning your wheels.
He is detoxing because he got bombed, this is his problem too. You are making excuses for him.
Until you back off and allow him to face the consequences of his actions, he will never fall to his knees and never embrace a recovery program.
And again, I strongly urge you to get yourself to meetings so you have a better understanding of alcoholism and drug addiction. Until you get yourself into recovery nothing will change, all you are doing is spinning your wheels.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
From my own experience, the first thing that needs to happen is for your husband to detox from alcohol. Then move forward with other health care.
My son (who now lives at home with my husband and me after a 30 day rehab) recently came to me and said he wanted to go to a doctor for a complete workup. I gave him the phone number of the health provider group we use and he made the phone call and made the appointment himself.
As far as a counselor, the counselor he sees is one that my husband and I were already seeing. I didn't know if she would be of any help to him being he is a recovering addict, but I suggested he go for one visit and if he didn't think she could relate to him to find another counselor. I gave him the counselor's phone number to call. So far he is pleased with the counselor. I don't think she would have been helpful as an addict, though, prior to rehab. The addict's brain is different from a sober brain (how they reason, etc.), but in his current situation she has been a positive influence for him.
Let your husband take control of his situation. You can suggest, but he needs to do the actual work of making his appointments, etc. I hope he will be willing to get help and not delay doing so.
My son (who now lives at home with my husband and me after a 30 day rehab) recently came to me and said he wanted to go to a doctor for a complete workup. I gave him the phone number of the health provider group we use and he made the phone call and made the appointment himself.
As far as a counselor, the counselor he sees is one that my husband and I were already seeing. I didn't know if she would be of any help to him being he is a recovering addict, but I suggested he go for one visit and if he didn't think she could relate to him to find another counselor. I gave him the counselor's phone number to call. So far he is pleased with the counselor. I don't think she would have been helpful as an addict, though, prior to rehab. The addict's brain is different from a sober brain (how they reason, etc.), but in his current situation she has been a positive influence for him.
Let your husband take control of his situation. You can suggest, but he needs to do the actual work of making his appointments, etc. I hope he will be willing to get help and not delay doing so.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
I'm just chiming in here with my own experience: my xABF had some medical issues that needed to be addressed, and asked if I would go with him to the doctor. It's always a good idea, to have someone to write things down and help remember! We went, he had blood drawn, full physical, .... we went back for the follow-up. Pancreatitis was one of the findings. The doctor asked how much he drank, and my x lied.
- Sylvie
- Sylvie
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Letting your AH take control of his recovery is a good idea. It can be a realistic indicator to how committed he is to recovery. However, there is nothing wrong with letting him know that you support and encourage his decision.
As mentioned before, in early recovery, the alcoholic's thought processes are still altered and not as clear and logical as they would be after extended sobriety. Receiving encouragement at this point could be beneficial as he may be unclear as to the steps to take necessary to move forward due to this fuzzy thought process - but he has to be the one committed to change and seeking recovery.
At one point when my AH reached one of his bottoms and wanted to achieve sobriety, he had to have a complete physical to rule out any other health concerns that could affect his treatment or possible medications. I remember him complaining at the time how frustrated he was as to how foggy and disorganized he felt for days afterward, even though he had stopped drinking. Up until this time, he had been a very functional and organized high achiever, despite the fact he was a progressive alcoholic - and this lack of focus was completely debilitating and confusing to him. He was ready to make a change, but was overwhelmed by his inability to concentrate. Fortunately, he made his own appointments and follow up. With some medical assistance and time, his clarity to make decisions returned within a few weeks.
As with everything in life, the complexity and circumstances are different for every person and set of conditions - different situations can call for a different approach. And for our family, later on, circumstances changed dramatically when my husband became a very sickly late stage alcoholic, and significant damage to his ability to function mentally had taken place. He could not even comprehend what the doctor was telling him or how to take his medications. At this point, we were not living together, but if he had not received some assistance, the outcome would have been disastrous as he could not even drive to appointments - let alone remember or understand what was said to him or how to take his medications. At this point it was no longer enabling, because he was then unable to handle these responsibilities on his own. Since we shared children and a business and had been married for over 25 years - I assisted him only when he could not do things for himself but I still expected him assume whatever responsibilities he could still manage. I never coddled him and I made it clear to him that he had gotten himself into this situation and his drinking was destroying his mind and body. Over decades of marriage, he had made many sacrifices for his family when he was healthy, so I made a commitment to not abandon him if he ever became too seriously ill to seek his own medical treatment. It was a choice I made, but I did not feel required to do. I made this choice for the man I once knew and had been married to for many years and to the father of my children ... and for the person who once had worked very hard for many years to take care of his family ... and also to show his children there was still a decent person deserving of compassion underneath the disoriented, damaged person their father had become.
Unfortunately, my AH died suddenly in a jail for his first DUI because he did not receive the proper medical care when he was obviously going through severe withdrawal. Even though a doctor in charge was aware of his situation. Hopefully your husband will not reach this point or circumstance and will seek a life long recovery- instead a tragic senseless end to what could have been a productive meaningful life.
As mentioned before, in early recovery, the alcoholic's thought processes are still altered and not as clear and logical as they would be after extended sobriety. Receiving encouragement at this point could be beneficial as he may be unclear as to the steps to take necessary to move forward due to this fuzzy thought process - but he has to be the one committed to change and seeking recovery.
At one point when my AH reached one of his bottoms and wanted to achieve sobriety, he had to have a complete physical to rule out any other health concerns that could affect his treatment or possible medications. I remember him complaining at the time how frustrated he was as to how foggy and disorganized he felt for days afterward, even though he had stopped drinking. Up until this time, he had been a very functional and organized high achiever, despite the fact he was a progressive alcoholic - and this lack of focus was completely debilitating and confusing to him. He was ready to make a change, but was overwhelmed by his inability to concentrate. Fortunately, he made his own appointments and follow up. With some medical assistance and time, his clarity to make decisions returned within a few weeks.
As with everything in life, the complexity and circumstances are different for every person and set of conditions - different situations can call for a different approach. And for our family, later on, circumstances changed dramatically when my husband became a very sickly late stage alcoholic, and significant damage to his ability to function mentally had taken place. He could not even comprehend what the doctor was telling him or how to take his medications. At this point, we were not living together, but if he had not received some assistance, the outcome would have been disastrous as he could not even drive to appointments - let alone remember or understand what was said to him or how to take his medications. At this point it was no longer enabling, because he was then unable to handle these responsibilities on his own. Since we shared children and a business and had been married for over 25 years - I assisted him only when he could not do things for himself but I still expected him assume whatever responsibilities he could still manage. I never coddled him and I made it clear to him that he had gotten himself into this situation and his drinking was destroying his mind and body. Over decades of marriage, he had made many sacrifices for his family when he was healthy, so I made a commitment to not abandon him if he ever became too seriously ill to seek his own medical treatment. It was a choice I made, but I did not feel required to do. I made this choice for the man I once knew and had been married to for many years and to the father of my children ... and for the person who once had worked very hard for many years to take care of his family ... and also to show his children there was still a decent person deserving of compassion underneath the disoriented, damaged person their father had become.
Unfortunately, my AH died suddenly in a jail for his first DUI because he did not receive the proper medical care when he was obviously going through severe withdrawal. Even though a doctor in charge was aware of his situation. Hopefully your husband will not reach this point or circumstance and will seek a life long recovery- instead a tragic senseless end to what could have been a productive meaningful life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 62
Thank you kmangel, Sylvie and Seeking Wisdom.
I have to admit that I wasn't going to check back on my post because I felt like there were many people that misunderstood what I was trying to do. I felt a little taken aback by some of the responses and, to be honest, felt like I was being yelled at. I'm glad I did check back because your responses were helpful to me.
My intention was to narrow down the field of doctors for my husband and supply him with a few choices, rather than the dozens and dozens that are out there. From what I understand, the first few days of sobriety are disorienting and I know that I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of choices and I am not the one that is detoxing. I can't imagine what it would be like for him.
So if it comes down to narrowing down the choices for my husband and just letting him flounder in his current confused state, the choice was obvious for me. I understand that, as the alcoholic, he needs to take the first step and take responsibility, but who doesn't need a little bit of guidance? If you are one that doesn't need help or a little push now and then, then you are much stronger than I am.
I have to admit that I wasn't going to check back on my post because I felt like there were many people that misunderstood what I was trying to do. I felt a little taken aback by some of the responses and, to be honest, felt like I was being yelled at. I'm glad I did check back because your responses were helpful to me.
My intention was to narrow down the field of doctors for my husband and supply him with a few choices, rather than the dozens and dozens that are out there. From what I understand, the first few days of sobriety are disorienting and I know that I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of choices and I am not the one that is detoxing. I can't imagine what it would be like for him.
So if it comes down to narrowing down the choices for my husband and just letting him flounder in his current confused state, the choice was obvious for me. I understand that, as the alcoholic, he needs to take the first step and take responsibility, but who doesn't need a little bit of guidance? If you are one that doesn't need help or a little push now and then, then you are much stronger than I am.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My personal experience has been no significant other in my home for many years now.
When I made the choice to drink again after 4 years, I was "out there" for two long hellish months.
When I got sick and tired of being sick and tired, I drug myself back up the steps to my home AA group and got back into recovery.
That's where I am coming from in my response to the situation.
When I made the choice to drink again after 4 years, I was "out there" for two long hellish months.
When I got sick and tired of being sick and tired, I drug myself back up the steps to my home AA group and got back into recovery.
That's where I am coming from in my response to the situation.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Agreed. I am still grateful to my brother, who provided me with his telephone and telephone book when I was desperate, and to my sister, who drove me to the ER which set me on the course of detox and rehab, and to my recovering alcoholic brother who drove me to AA meetings and outpatient counseling when the bus schedule didn't coincide with meeting schedules. I got a lot of feedback from them as I explored my options. I had absolutely nothing, and today I am grateful for the small amenities in life.
Sometimes a step up toward the right type of help is the step out. It is different than enabling.
On the flip side, however, I understand when one is told promise after promise, and those promises fail to deliver. I'd be fuming about it myself, and would not tolerate repeated abuses of my good intentions.
Alcoholism sucks for everyone not in recovery.
Sometimes a step up toward the right type of help is the step out. It is different than enabling.
On the flip side, however, I understand when one is told promise after promise, and those promises fail to deliver. I'd be fuming about it myself, and would not tolerate repeated abuses of my good intentions.
Alcoholism sucks for everyone not in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
When I had REALLY, REALLY had enough, I picked up the phone and called the AA helpline myself. I went to the next available meeting and took advice off those who had strong recoveries. I found my own way to an outpatient treatment centre that those same people spoke of highly. I was responsible for every bit of my recovery, and I can now look back and think 'I did it all myself, with a little help from my AA friends.........'.
I don't think that people in this thread are critical of you in the way you think, but are merely stating the importance of the alcoholic finding their own way. Hugs to you.
I don't think that people in this thread are critical of you in the way you think, but are merely stating the importance of the alcoholic finding their own way. Hugs to you.
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