heres2hope

I just got a call from my husband...the one that didnt show up last night...from jail. He was charged with DUI, possession of mariajuana and hit and run. I have no idea what is going to happen. I am freaking out! What do I tell my four year old? Can they take the kids away? Is he going to jail? crap!!

I had a feeling this was going to happen. Should I have insisted more on his not going out? Driven him?

suki44883

Calm down. Breathe. He's an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do. You have no control over him. He is paying the consequences of his bad actions; in this case, drinking and driving. No, they won't take your kids away. Breathe.

m1k3

One little thing, you do know you don't HAVE to post bail for him.

Just my 2 cents.

Seren

Oh, dear, I can see why you would be upset. Try to stay calm, sit, wait and see what happens. You do not have to go get him, you do not have to bail him out. Take good care of yourself and that precious little one.

Hugs, HG

wellwisher

I normally don't come into the F&F forum, but I believe you posted in the Alcoholism forum yesterday and found your way here. I remember the post.

Calm down. You couldn't reach him. Maybe the long arm of the law can. HP is at work here.

All my best, and take care of you.

heres2hope

I am not going to bail him out. To his credit, he didn't ask me to (not that I would have anyway). I just want to be prepared with what's going to happen next. I assume the whole process will be very expensive. Which stresses me out more since we are basically living paycheck to paycheck. With possible jail time, I guess.

I wonder if the county will force him for treatment. It seems cold hearted but maybe jail would be a good thing for him? or would it throw him into deeper depression since his job prospects will be dwindling away (his self-loathing started a while ago, but really kicked in when he was forced to resign.) Now, I'll have to tell my mom what's going on (she doesn't know about the drinking.) And I'm super nervous. Stupid, isn't it? That a 35 year old would be nervous to tell her mom something.

I'm a bit calmer (or still in shock), thanks everyone. I have a feeling that fear/heartbreak/anger will kick in in a couple of hours or when he gets back home.

marie1960

I agree, take care of you and your little munchkin. Sending hugs and strength to you at this difficult time.

wellnowwhat

Yes, breathe. Count to ten slowly, inhaling and exhaling. Watch the clouds. Anything that will slow down the racing mind, and heart.

During my crisis I practically wore out my "Just for Today" bookmark. I read it several times a day and drew strength from it. Here's the bulk of it:


Just for today: I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle all my problems at once.
I can do something for twelve hours that
would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today: I will be happy. This
assume to be true what Abraham Lincoln said,
*Most folks are as happy as they make up their
minds to be.*

Just for today: I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will
Take my *luck* as it comes, and fit myself into it

Just for today:I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study.
I will not be a mental loafer.
I will read something that requires effort.
Thought and concentration.

Just for today: I will exercise my soul
in three ways: it will do somebody a good turn
and not get found out; if anybody know of it, it
will not count. I will do at least two things I
don't want to do-- just for exercise. I will
not show anyone that my feelings are hurt: they may
be hurt but today I will not show it.

Just for today: I will be agreeable. I will
look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice
low,be courteous,criticize not one bit. I won't find
fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate
anybody else but myself.

Just for today: I will have a program.
I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it.
I will save myself from two pests: Hurry and Indecision's.

Just for today: I will have a quiet half
hour all by myself, and relax. During this half hour,
sometime I will try to get a better perspective of
my life.

Just for today: I will be un-afraid.
Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what
is beautiful,and to believe that as I give to the
world, so the world will give back to me.

****

Hope this helps! Once the panicky feeling passes a little, then you can start to decide your next step, or decide to wait and see.

stepsforward

Take a deep breathe and try to relax. Please think before reacting. You will be glad you did. Before my recovery I would just react. Now I take the time to relax and think and I seem to feel better about the outcome. Hugs to you!!!!

Fandy

i'm sorry you are feeling so upset...but talking to your mom could be a GOOD thing...I hope she understands and gives you support and positive feedback...sometimes talking face to friendly face will ease your mind, even a little.

if mom doesn't work out, do you have a close friend who understands?

seekingcalm

Stay strong, for yourself and for your little one. Nothing at all you could have done for your AH to prevent this outcome, not before, and not now.

Sending calm and positive thoughts your way. I hope that this tragedy proves to be a turning point to a better life for all of you. One day at a time. And I pray that no one was seriously hurt in the accident.

lillamy

Call an attorney -- for you. You have an excellent opportunity to get full custody of your child (children?) right now. That would be my priority.

Givemecoffee

I am so sorry you had to go through that. My brother had it happen to him twice and both times he called me to bail him out! My older brother! But unfortunately it runs in the family and it happened to me too. He needs help and maybe this will be what he needed to get help! Good luck!

heres2hope

Thanks, everyone. I'm hoping this will be the big kick in the butt that he needs. He just walked in about half hour ago. I haven't said anything to him yet. I did hear him talking to his mom. He said something about how he does well for a couple of weeks and then implodes. I did not hear him say anything about getting help, but I was only hearing snippets. I'm not even sure how to start out the conversation with him.

Fandy

you should no be feeling apprehensive to start a conversation with your husband....HE did this, not you, if he tries to shift blame on you.

m1k3

How about you let him own his problems such as the DUI and the drinking and you start working on your problems.

All of us on this site are here because our lives became unmanageable trying to help, control, fix, cure our alcoholics.

Problem is it won't work. He will get better when he is ready to get better and not one second sooner.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

What you can do is start taking care of yourself and undoing the damage that has been done to YOU by living with an active alcoholic.

And you do that by going to Al-Anon. They are people just like you, who are or have experienced the exact same things you are. You can get the tools and support you need to start living a saner and happier life. I know it doesn't sound real but you can get happy again. I have and so have many others.

Your friend,

dollydo

Maybe this will be the kick in the butt that you need, to start protecting you and your children and get to meetings.

He is putting your childrens well being on the line, does that really make sense to you?

As for telling your mother, don't you think that it is time for you to be honest, and, stop playing lets pretend?

He is not only and alcoholic, but, a doper too, what kind of an example is that for your children? Again, I say, your first responsibility is to your children, their well being must be your priorty.

His words mean nothing, put the ball in his court, this is his problem to resolve.

Cyranoak

This is, by far, the best thing that could have happenned to you. The great thing is he didn't kill anybody, and he easily could have. Jail was my wife's wakeup call-- for you I hope it's the same.

Either way, let him suffer the consequences or you'll just suffer more of the same (and your child too). You may anyway, but protecting and mothering him will guarantee it.

Good luck,

Cyranoak

purpleflower8

Cyranoak, that is exactly what happened to my husband, DUI, thank GOD nobody was hurt, and he has quit drinking for 8 months now.

He is still suffering the consequences of his actions. He just got out of 14 days in work release jail, had to take a driving course and will have to retake his driving test next week, just finished his last counseling class last week and will only have driving privileges to work and home until December (one year from date of incident). Along with all the Atty costs, bond, court fines, renewal of drivers license fine, counseling costs we have about $4,000 in so far.

OP, I hope this is a wake up call your for husband too!

fulloffaith

Its tough going through the crisis times. You are not alone. It is hard when you are in a place of worry about your child, your marriage or relationship.

For years I looked at my marriage As one path that WE were on. I think many codeies think like this. The others problems are our problems, we are a we. So the reputation of the couple and the financial issues and everything becomes a we problem. For me, it was extremely helpful to visually separate us in my mind. We are two people. On two paths. Each guided by our own HP. This allowed me to let go slowly. It's a hard process with much sadness. And it's hard b/c we really do think we can take care of and handle the "we" road alone- we think we can do the work for us and the A. But eventually this becomes impossible or just to unfair.

I feel for you because crisis and change Is hard and scary. But you will be ok. Think about what is best for you. It will feel foreign at first, b/c reacting to his behavior becomes a normal way to live for us. But you can only control your day and your life. Sending you hugs and love that you have a good, blessed one.