nerdygirl

cynical one posted "If you aren't being treated with love and respect - check your price tag."

This got me thinking... Are we all suffering from low self esteem? Are we overweight, ugly ducklings, NERDS, and/or just plain boring?

I am a nerd. I read - A LOT! And, I'm not particularly sexy by any standard. I've never been that girl who draws the attention of everyone when she walks into a room. I used to be okay with that. Not everyone can be a super model, right? But, around the same time I started to feel insecure about myself, I started relationships with addicts and/or alcoholics. Why? Am I not worthy of a loving, caring, non-addicted man?

I was just wondering if there is some common thread between us codies (other than being codies).

sTiLlhErE1986

Nerdygirl,

Cynical one posted that on my thread and it made me think too....

I am average looking girl, not too smart but not dumb, im just "normal", i think!

But I do think that what all of us do have in common is that we are helpers, we care caregivers, and want to rescue people. I was just reading in CoDependant No More about this very same topic. We as codies become enablers when we try to help.

So that is the common thread we all have, we give too much and take care of others too often.

I also saw somewhere else that codependants normally have a profession that involves caring for others. I'm a nurse so that sure fits me to a tee!

Thanks for getting me to think today!

brokengirl75

Hmmm...interesting. I fit that - I'm a teacher, I'm nerdy,overweight never one to get the attention...

Very interesting.

LifeRecovery

It has helped me to reframe this thought process a little bit.

For many reasons I think that if I had not ended up with my exAH I would have ended up with someone else who struggled with addictions. For me it was the other side who might be "interchangable"

Why you might ask? Because I had lessons to learn about taking care of me, myself and I, loving who I see in the mirror (regardless of what I look like at the moment). I once heard it said that you will always lose when you start comparing your insides to someone else's outsides. I attracted into my life a lesson I really needed to learn.

Was it painful and hard...you bet. Am I completely over it...nope. Am I a better person today for the lessons it brought me....yup! I am a more balanced, loving person because of what I learned from this relationship. I am actually learning that I am a humorous person and am learning to have fun (who would have thought it). The denial is broken...not just about the relationship, but about my family, myself etc. It was me who was afraid to break out of the mold of intelligent, contained, straight (to the point of confined) etc, and try on some other adjectives for myself.

For me to heal I had to open the wound, clean it up and now it has a chance to heal. To me a big part of that was being in a relationship with an A....

I have no idea if that makes any sense or if it will help at all, but gosh I feel better having written it. It is also giving me a sense of power over my own self and destiny....

LifeRecovery

This has me fired up and I am not sure why.

I took this statement as I get to set my own worth....the price tag on me might be what someone else determines I am worth but ultimately it is me who in the past has put myself onto the sales rack in the discount section of the store. That is about me and not someone else.

gowest

Well I'm sort of "hot for my age", skinny and never have had a problem getting dates so I don't think it is an exterior thing.

I'm also smart and love to read. Reading is great but I think for those of us who like to live in the "what if" section of life it can be used and escape from our own reality in an unhealthy way if we aren't careful.

I do however agree with the care-taking aspect.

I've also noticed that as I get healthier I am less inclined to "over help".
I am much more willing to let others take responsibility for themselves and take my hand out of their cookie jar.

I am in school to become a nurse.
I decided it would be better to help people who actually needed medical assistance than to run around trying to "help/control" everybody in my life.

I will be happy to leave the care-taking part of me at work and just focus on myself when I get home.

I'm too tired to take care of everyone else! YAY!

nerdygirl

You're probably right. It doesn't matter what we look like. Skinny girls have some of the same problems overweight girls have. Intelligent women have some of the same problems as less intelligent women. Codependency doesn't care if you're hot or not, if you're smart or stupid, if you're rich or poor, or what race you are. Everyone has the capibility of being a codie.

In my case, I need to work on being more confident. I used to be. I know when the decline started too. I just wish I could go back and tell myself - it's not YOU, it's HIM. There' s nothing wrong with you. You're cute in your own way, smart, funny, great job, no debt etc etc etc. Don't let rejection from ONE person hold you back from being confident and self assured.

Yeah, I can tell myself that all day, but...

Kindeyes

Just like addiction......codependence does not discriminate.

Are we all alike? Certainly the codependent traits are the same, just as so many of the behaviors of the addicts in our lives are the same. I swear it seems that there is an addict/alcoholic playbook that they all read from. I guess those of us who are codependent have our own version of that playbook! lol

But ultimately.....ARE we all alike? We are as individual as snowflakes. Just look around the rooms of Alanon or Naranon...there are rich people, poor people, skinny people, fat people, male, female, young, old, etc. But just as snowflakes are cold, fall from the sky, are white, and pile up to make snow, we (codependents) have characteristics that make us "the same". The cool thing is (pun intended) that we have choices to change some of those characteristics.....snowflakes don't. lol

Personally, I loved Cynical One's statement about the value we put on ourselves. As adults, we are only treated in the manner in which we allow ourselves to be treated. Does that make it hurt any less? Nope. But once we break through our own denial and begin to work on ourselves, we are able to establish boundaries, hold them, treat ourselves with the respect and love we deserve and expect that respect from those who we choose to associate with.

gentle hugs
ke

whyme123

Great topic!

I agree with the self esteem theory and I'd like to add the want for companionship and the need to be needed. Because I have lacked self esteem in the past or haven't been asked out every time I walk out of my house, I tend to overlook the red flags because of the attention. If there's even a slight attraction to the man, again despite the red flags, I say well I'll just give it a shot. This is usually from the guy who needs me or needs help somehow and 6 months later, I'm not necessarily happy, but I rationalize it with things will get better... I'm right on the clearance rack.

Just recently I have been taking stock of myself, what I will and won't tolerate in my next relationship. I vow to never sell myself short again. If I see so much as one red flag, I'm out. I'd rather be alone than have to go through the misery of a dysfunctional relationship again.

MsPINKAcres

For me ~ it didn't matter what I looked like on the outside - because I learned at an early age about "keeping up appearances" , about controlling what you can ~

To most ppl's standards and what MOST ppl see is a smaller blonde girly girl who has this silly obession with pink.

Before recovery and even now on an off day in my recovery - I look in the mirror and see an unattractive, unwanted, ugly, stupid, unworthy, overweight, clusmy old woman.

I refuse to weigh unless I have too - to me know matter what the scales say - they should always be at least 5 pounds less that what it is. It is a trigger for me - so I avoid it!

What others see is not what I feel! I constantly have to remind myself that I am worthy of love, respect, recovery, honor and dignity ~ FROM MYSELF as well as others.

It's a never ending battle for me!

Progress not Perfection!
ODAT
PINK HUGS,
Rita

outtolunch

I suspect a substantial percentage of us are or have been smokers. ( I am an on and /off again smoker so I am not making any judgments, here).

Seems to me that:

Non smokers are increasingly likely to shun smokers

Smokers attract smokers

A substantial number of addicts and alcoholics are smokers

Many addicts/alcoholics are children of at least one smoking parent

Of course there are exceptions.
Of course not all smokers are addicts/alcoholics ( I am proof of this) and not every addict is a smoker.

Anyone else see a pattern?

lonelystar

hmmm lets see

For as long as i can remember I always thought I had the best advise , i always had the right answers, I always liked to dabble into the mind and set people straight according to what i though was straight, if that makes sense, Im not one to run after people physically trying to help them for some reason I think Im some kind of psychologist , my son as well as other people have pointed out this annoying trait in me several times and not until a while ago did i really take a look at this I guess its just what makes me , me. As for physical appearances I dont really care Im more of who and what you are or I am that interests me . and Yes I am a smoker, and not even looking to stop how sad ....

newnormal4me

For me, my father was an alcoholic who died from it. My barometer of what is appropriate behavior, etc. is higher than a typical person's.

But, my AH wasn't an A when I met him, although I can see that he had characteristics that were red flags for that kind of a future. I think my biggest problem though is that I enmeshed myself with him to a point of not knowing where I started and he ended. It worked for a long time...until addiction reared it's ugly head, and then it quit working. Truth is, it's not healthy even if it is working. I need to get to the bottom of this one! Anyone have any words of wisdom???

whyme123

Yes, I too am a smoker outtolunch, I think your right on with that theory. Which leads to cynical's "people find us easy to talk to". I have had many conversations with other smokers about how smokers are more approachable, less easily offended, and easy to talk to.

Geesh, I don't want to quit smoking. I definitely don't want to stop being the social person I love to be. Guess I'll have to work extra hard to notice the traps.

Another thought is family issues, like newnormal4me suggested. Maybe watching our parents making unhealthy relationship choices growing up.

Kindeyes

Throwing a kabash on the smoking theory. Not a smoker here. Although I DID try to become one in high school. I was THE MOST uncool smoker ever. I was an awkward smoker wannabe (yes....you can laugh....it's funny).

I am also not particularly approachable as I am somewhat shy and that social awkwardness often comes across as standoffish.

However, I do care--it's not a vibe--it is who I am. I care about people.....too much. I love "big" and have historically been very easy to manipulate. There's no sugar coating it here.

But I am learning to be more open and approachable but not love so "big" and stay within my own hoolahoop much better. My shyness was a result of my concern over what other's thought of me.....I've learned that it's none of my business.....whew! What a relief!

gentle hugs
ke

artist83

These are great posts here, they all remind me of myself in some way. I am without a doubt 100% NERD, but I'm damn proud of it. I love to read, am writing a novel, enjoy watching the History Chanel (early American History major here), discussing various topics with my dad that others think are boring, and have this obsession with the Great Apes species (I go to the zoo often and observe the gorillas and orangutans). Just a little nerdy? Nah, full blown NERD, but I am proud of who I am. I am proud that I spent 5 years of my life on the Dean's List, proud that I have an IQ of 145 (my dad's is 2 points higher than mine and it drives me crazy), proud that other people view me as the "intelligent one".

I am also awkward, in many ways, lol. I think that "eccentric" sounds better, but hey, we're all being honest here, right? Awkward, odd, weird - all words that describe who I am. I'm also an introvert, just like many of you seem to be. Don't think I'm conceited when I say this, but I am pretty, have a nice body, and am the most fashionable person I know. But I am very uncomfortable being the center of attention, avoid attracting attention to myself. I'm not saying that I'm not outgoing - I love playing sports, love modern dance, and love trying new things, but I enjoy solitary activities much more. I'm interested in my own thoughts much more than what's going on around me. I prefer activities that involve inner experiences and introspection. I like thinking about things, enjoy learning, and I self-generate my own energy.

But the biggest similarity among all of us codies is that we put others before ourselves. We not only enjoy helping people but we NEED to help people. It's a compulsion. We feel that we must help, must try to fix or change other people so that their lives will be better, but we often forget about what we want and need in the process. We spend most of our time and energy giving, and we never seem to get anything back from those we give to. Yes, it's nice to know that you have helped someone, but it's also nice to receive help from others. But we don't, won't ask for help because we feel that we have failed for being less than perfect. At least that I how I feel most of the time. I don't ask for help because it makes me feel weak. I try to fix everyone else's problems, and when I don't succeed, I feel like a failure, like I'm not good enough. It is such a self-defeating way of thinking, but that's what I do to myself over and over again.

In that aspect, yes, codies are all the same - we care, give, love, push, demand perfection of ourselves, try to save the world, and somewhere in the midst of all our efforts, we lose ourselves, our own desires, wants, and needs. But we can change this about ourselves - we can focus on what we want and need and let go of everyone else's problems. We can support others when they are ready to change, but until then we can only help ourselves. We are deserving of love, but we have to love ourselves as well. Recovery starts from within.

Babyblue

It is that we are helpers to the loved ones in our lives.

I never smoked or tried.

I'm gonna go with 'we are different' but that to me is a good thing. It tells us that this disease hits any part of society and any kind of person and their loved ones.