Cerberus

I have seen a few threads where people have warned against trying to quit with a spouse or partner saying it is difficult and there are many pitfalls. Does anyone have any experience in this area? Anyone successfully quit with a spouse or partner?

wheresthefun

I wish I had this problem. Be interesting to hear what others have experienced or have knowledge of this "situation".

Cerberus

wheresthefun - meaning you wish your spouse or partner would quit with you?

DaveO

That is strange.

wheresthefun

Yes, I've said this on other threads. We made a pact, months and months ago, that July 25, 2011 was going to be it. We would go back and forth saying, "we just can't keep doing this, we have so much going for us and we're peeing it all away drinking...". She stopped for a couple of days, then told me she was going to be "quasi-sober" - HA!!!!! You all know the story, "I'll just drink socially and on weekends".

Well, she was "sneaking" drinks by Wednesday, the 27th (she told me she just sneaking them so it wouldn't upset my trying to be sober). Um, there's all kinds of booze in the house and I'm not tempted, in the least. By the first Saturday she started drinking in the afternoon, then drank all weekend. Then took maybe the Monday off, and I think one other day. And, she's been drinking every day since. BUT, she said to me yesterday, "look at the recycle bin, I've cut way back".

Okay then...

Cerberus

So I am assuming that is one of the pitfalls - one actually quits the other doesn't? My hubby and I both quit at the same time too. then we both relapsed together - i think each was just waiting for the other to give the okay - since then I have quit again, this time I hope for good. My husband hasn't drank since then, at least not that I am aware of, but he still says he thinks he should be able to drink socially and he doesn't have the same worries about long term, heavy drinking that I do. And for the record, he is NOT just a social drinker. He drinks 4 days a week to daily for years. I am amazed at how well he is doing so far, but I worry that without the thoughts that drinking too much is bad, he will just start up again too.

sugarbear1

Partners in crime. Kinda like hanging with other newcomers, it's easy to take each other back out using.

Need people to respond who have experience. I know both my ex and I started drinking again together, but we never had a healthy relationship. We met while both recovering, but that was 19+ years ago. Divorced long time now.

DaveO

If 2 spouses make an honest decision to quit together I don't see what the problem is.

I also think it is ridiculous to say that 2 people being spouses, friends, or whatever can't do it at the same time.

If they throw all the excuses away, anything can be accomplished

I didn't think getting sober was a childs game of tag.

SerenityStarbuc

It seems like it would be harder for one person in a marriage/partnership to quit, rather than both quitting together, no...??? My hubby and I and I have been telling each other "we need to stop drinking so much" for, ahem, years now. And we each have become EXPERTS at undermining attempts to cut back. I have been stone cold sober for 6 days now, with him out of town, and I hope that once he gets back he is supportive. But if not, I will have to learn to do it by myself.

DayTrader

I've seen a lot of "relationships" in sobriety turn into quasi-sponsor/sponsee deals . . . with each person jockeying for position, trying to outshine the other, and generally stirring up a lot of muck that didn't need to be stirred....yet.

It's entirely possible though, just as it's entirely possible to get sober with a using/abusing spouse, significant other, etc. ....in other words, what DaveO said above.

Dee74

I think the point that people have been trying to make is - recovery needs to be an individual journey...

it needs to be an internal decision, not one based on external factors, or other people...in that sense, whether your partner is 'with' you or not in recovery is immaterial.

It depends on the circumstances.

Having your partner quit with you could be helpful...it could also be rather treacherous if one of you decides to throw in the sobriety towel...

D

Terminally Unique

There is nothing wrong if two people happen to quit at the same time. The problem arises if one person relies on the other to keep them sober. Views may differ, but I tend to believe that relying on another person who has not yet quit their own addiction to keep you sober sober is pure folly. If they can barely keep themselves sober, how are they going to keep you sober?

wheresthefun

It would be nice, if my wife was on board, but she's not, so I'm flying the sober flight solo, and I'm okay with it.

One of the biggest lessons I learned, in beating depression, was to put myself first. It's corny, but so many people said to me, including my shrink, "when you are on a plane with a child, they tell you to put the oxygen mask on first, if the cabin loses pressure, because if you don't, you will be useless to your child". Again, corny but true.

So, if I don't take care of myself now, I won't be able to help anyone else later. If my wife can never come around and get sober, I'm sure at some point we will most likely part ways. I won't give up without a fight, but if she refuses, then so be it. Again, she is NOT a social drinker, she is an admitted alcoholic, just like me.

Oh, here's an oldie but a goody (seen this one before, many times), she came home tonight with one of those little four packs of Merlot. If it holds true to form, she'll drink a couple of those, then switch to her coconut rum cocktail concoction she makes, until she either passes out on the couch or staggers upstairs to bed.

Anna

My husband was not much of a drinker, so quitting was never an issue for him. It was something that I needed to do.

As Dee said, it's an intensely personal journey. The recovery journey takes you inward to find your soul and you need to understand that it has nothing at all to do with anything outside of you, including your spouse.

I suppose it could work, but I think it would add stress to the situation.

wheresthefun

For the record, I have a long way to go myself, I ain't kidding anyone. It's only day 22 for me!

lookinforward

Same pact........same results!
Her response. I'm just not as strong as you. Am I sad that she did not follow my path...a little, but this is my path not hers. I hope that one day she will find her path, but as much as I love her....I can't make her do it. That decision comes from within.
Day by Day
Dave

Missy7

Well, my husband is my drinking buddy and I'm quitting pretty well. He is quitting just by being here with me. But I don't think he has a problem with alcohol, so I don't know if that counts.

Wheresthefun--I love you saying your wife was sneaking drinks. I read it quickly and thought it said "Sneezing" drinks. I was excited to see someone else had consumed enough alcohol to have alcoholic sneezes too. But no. Maybe it's just me.

I think a quit partner in the house is pretty good. I think trying to do it with a spouse who is not quitting is WAY harder than one who will quit.

SerenityStarbuc

Thanks, all, for your posts - as a total n00b, I found them really interesting, informative, inspirational, etc.

Wheresthefun - it's so funny; I JUST used that same metaphor when talking to someone else about their message, yet, somehow, here I am again thinking of myself as the person needing someone to help her with the mask again, or (at other times) as the person needing to help someone with their mask before I put my own on.... maybe someday I will learn....

Missy - I lol'd at "alcoholic sneezes."

LoftyIdeals

I resisted quitting for too many years waiting for my spouse to be ready to quit with me. We definitely have an "alcoholic marriage". We have quit together for Lent over the years, but there was always an end date planned. This time, I am doing it because I need to. I'm not pressuring her at all. I've only made one comment, when she came to bed with wine heavy on her breath and she wanted to be close. I couldn't handle that. I'm with Dee on this...I've come to believe that it's an intensely personal journey. It doesn't work any other way than that for me.

lookinforward

When I started sneezing alcohol....In new it was time to quit
Dave