Stardust70

THE STORY: I met him at work 5 years ago while he was still drinking a lot. We were just friends that time.He got into trouble and lost his job. I contacted him, became closer and I fell for him. That was 2 years ago. Shortly after that he started the 12 steps in AA.

Since then, he became very distant, made me feel less and less important, now he only ever contacts me in every 5-6 weeks or sometimes less or more. For sex basically. I know it's seems that he using me just for one thing, but I know that the problem is deeper. AA completely "took" him from me, even though I know they helping him to stay sober, but It's so hard. I know I'm selfish , but I'd just love to get the old him back( without the drinking of course) it's breaking my heart, because I do love him, and remember the guy who was the sweetest and the most genuine person you could ever meet. Not now though. He doesn't care about much,wont answer my texts for weeks, or calls, but always available to his AA friends, only calls them, answers their call anytime of the day,or night, they became his number one priority. It's seems, that he has a different life. AA and gym. That what only matters. Not sure what to do, I want him to recover and be happy, does that mean I have to let him go, and never look back? Please explain, if you know how should I behave. Also sometimes he gets panicky and leaves sudden, and wont ever talk to me about his feelings,wont let me try to help at all.

dollydo

AA is not the problem, he has changed, he has moved on with his life. Perhaps it is time for you to do the same.

He is telling you something by only contacting you for a booty call. Don't let him degrade you like that, you deserve so much better.

Let him go, rebuild your life, there is a Mr Right out there for you!

wanttobehealthy

Sounds to me like he's a jerk. I realize I haven't heard his "side" but someone who only contacts you when he wants something is a pretty big jerk sign in my book. AA can help people who want to be helped but it won't cure jerk-ism. Just my 2 cents. You deserve better.

Babyblue

This is who he is not drinking. A bit of an a$$.

Maybe you should distance yourself from him for a bit and reflect on the relationship. Couldn't hurt.

Also, why allow the booty calls if you want something more meaningful ?

Jadmack25

Sounds like he has issues personally. I have known a few who were the life of the party, charming, open and romantic WHEN they had a few drinks on board. Same chaps were quiet, shy and not interested in much at all when sober.

For your own sake I suggest you give him the chop and look at attracting a man who is who and what you want, without the hassles of addiction at all.

Good hunting.

Seren

Hello Stardust, and Welcome to SR!

I'm glad you found us and hope that you find lots of support here.

I'm sorry that you are hurting. If you met this man while he was still actively drinking, then perhaps you never really knew him at all.

I hope that you will see you deserve so much better in life than someone who treats you with disrespect.

Hugs, HG

SoaringSpirits

You deserve better! Sounds like it's time to move on for both of you.

UnResolved

From everything I have experienced, read and heard about, it is not unusual for someone to behave differently after entering the AA program.

There can be a number of different reasons, one of which is the alcoholic is concentrating on their own very challenging recovery.

As others have mentioned, you never really got to know him as a sober healthy person before he sought recovery - so there is no way to accurately know who he really is since addiction significantly alters a person's behavior.

Addiction and recovery can be a very bumpy and difficult roller coaster ride - a ride most people choose not to get on unless they have no other choice.

Summerpeach

I was with my ex 3 yrs before he joined AA and in the same week, he changed!
He was switching seats on the titanic and just changed his booze addiction to AA meetings and women.
He no longer had his self medication to deal with his personality issues.
When I joined al anon, a guy in my group said " put ur seatbelt on, you're in for a bumpy ride, dry drunks are aholes"
He was right. He became a totally different person.
And I disagree in that you didnt know the real person, I think the real person is the one who drinks and the sober one is the scared and vulnerable person who is struggling with their mental health.
In your case, I would just avoid him all together. We teach others how to treat us.

NYCDoglvr

AA didn't take him, you simply decided that it's ok for him to treat you poorly.

vujade

There is a Maya Angelou quote that flies around this board...and I love it.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. (Paraphrased, I'm sure)

No matter if it is AA, or the gym, or new vitamins, or the TV shows he is watching...this is HIM. Is this how you want to be treated?

Freedom1990

I'm worth more than someone who just wants a booty call every 5-6 weeks.

How about you?

Programmatic

I read a bunch of "he" and "him" but not much "I" other than how should "I" behave to get him to do as I wish.

So, what are you doing?
Sounds to me like you are fixating on him and not your own needs. And if you are in touch with your needs have you communicated them? And if you have communicated your needs and are still not getting them have you considered the distinct possibility that he doesn't have what you want?

Like I said, what are you doing?

Programmatic

I know 5-6 weeks is way too infrequent even if we're talking just booty calls.

Freedom1990

This definitely bears repeating. I have said it more than once to my youngest daughter who continues to settle for an abusive, blood-sucking ABF.

Stardust70

Thanks everyone! The thing is I'm too lonely at the moment since I'm separated after 10 years of marriage, i guess It's nor really him I need, just someone...What confused me it's that i heard stories, saying sponsors in AA might advice people, who started their meetings to not have any relationship, give up job, concentrate 100% of the recovery, not to keep any close contact with "normies" all for avoiding the biggest causes for major relapse.

So, i thought he is not really "allowed" to have a gf,
he actually even said once, that he can't have a relatiomship, but i did'nt understand at the time....

The other thing is that in my opinion anyone who stops drinking( with help of AA or without) will not erase the fundamental personal issues that got him drinking in the first place...

No, he wont ever talk about this, he gets agitated, and often paranoid.

%-6 weeks its average, sometimes I would see him once a week. It depends.

Thanks again everyone, I just want to make sure he is ok, without putting his recovery in any danger

Freedom1990

For me, that has not been true. Had I not been able to resolve the fundamental personal issues, I would have gone back to drinking many years ago.

As it is, I celebrated 21 years clean/sober earlier this month, and I can assure you I am a very different person compared to the "old" me.

I see people change every day in the rooms of AA.

Those who truly work an honest program learn to practice the principles in all of their affairs, including relationships, work, etc.

Stardust70

And thank you Summerpeach, that's the way I see his progress...he dealt with his personal problems with drink\medication before. AA replaced his booze addiction with AA addiction and he is overdoing the gym as well.In my opinion he started to drink because of personal issues, and when he stopped drinking the issues are still remained there, but he can't numb the pain anymore. It must be extremely hard and horrible for a young person, he is only 25...maybe for some people AA is not the answer. They need professional help. For others AA is brilliant. I don't think all alchoholics are the same, and could be helped in the same method. Maybe I'm wrong. And I like to think, the sweetest, loveliest, genuine person I met while he was still drinking every day, was the real one. Not this new person is someone who is stragling
to keep it together, and become a very introvert, sad, depressed young adult

Stardust70

Thank you Freedom1990, I'm happy for you, you 've done very well!
I've just wrote in an other answer, that in my opinion AA might not be the answer for everyone. Maybe I'm wrong. I 'm not a drinker, never was.. My father was an alcoholic for more than 30 years, never got help, in my country was not such a thing as AA, nobody cared unless you were beating up someone rather then your own family,then they just cleaned your stomach and put you in detention for a few days...

My dad only stopped drinking because he got old and got cancer, also he is not able to go and buy drinks anymore. I guess he done a cold turkey thing.

Freedom1990

AA isn't the answer for everyone. It was for me, along with a lot of therapy over the years, and also the care of a psychiatrist educated in addictions.

It took me about 5 years into recovery to figure out I needed more than just AA.