Welcome newbie xedancer
peaceful seabird
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome newbie xedancer
copied from another post:
This is from xedancer:
new here! I posted this in another area, but I am looking for any assistance! Thanks
Well here goes...I am currently married to an A. We have 2 children (5+6), I am involved in Alanon, and other local support groups. In 2002 he went to rehab, and just last month spent another 28 days in treatment. I am a bit angry at this point for many reasons, the biggest is that even though he took that time to "work on his issues" within a week's time picked up a drink. I am aware that A's take one day at a time, but my frustration lies with his selfishness and disregard for anyone but himself.
As I read postings, I wonder where the line is? How much do we (the family) take. Not only have we suffered PUBLIC embarrassment (photos in the paper- of not only him, but myself and our sons as well). If this disease is not about me- then why do we continue to suffer from his actions??? Will it ever get better? I just can't seem to find it in myself to forgive -even though the Bible says so-our children have seen so much and being an educator myself I have also seen the long term effects of children of A's.
He can't even look at us, be in the same room with us, or even talk about any of this. I really thought (foolish me) that his time away would give him the skills to cope, communicate, and be the man he keeps claiming to be.
With this disease comes choices correct??? He chooses NOT to go to AA meetings on a regular basis, he chooses to NOT to answer the phone when his sons call, he chooses NOT to meet with/talk his sponsor.
He will lose his license soon (DUI), and maybe see jail time because his BAL was over 3 times the legal limit. Which he has yet to talk to me along with the fine he is facing.
I know I said "for better or worse" but I could use some NEW, friendly, INFORMATIVE advice. Sorry in advance fr being so gloom and doom, but I have been told (from professionals) that I need to exit.
This is from xedancer:
new here! I posted this in another area, but I am looking for any assistance! Thanks
Well here goes...I am currently married to an A. We have 2 children (5+6), I am involved in Alanon, and other local support groups. In 2002 he went to rehab, and just last month spent another 28 days in treatment. I am a bit angry at this point for many reasons, the biggest is that even though he took that time to "work on his issues" within a week's time picked up a drink. I am aware that A's take one day at a time, but my frustration lies with his selfishness and disregard for anyone but himself.
As I read postings, I wonder where the line is? How much do we (the family) take. Not only have we suffered PUBLIC embarrassment (photos in the paper- of not only him, but myself and our sons as well). If this disease is not about me- then why do we continue to suffer from his actions??? Will it ever get better? I just can't seem to find it in myself to forgive -even though the Bible says so-our children have seen so much and being an educator myself I have also seen the long term effects of children of A's.
He can't even look at us, be in the same room with us, or even talk about any of this. I really thought (foolish me) that his time away would give him the skills to cope, communicate, and be the man he keeps claiming to be.
With this disease comes choices correct??? He chooses NOT to go to AA meetings on a regular basis, he chooses to NOT to answer the phone when his sons call, he chooses NOT to meet with/talk his sponsor.
He will lose his license soon (DUI), and maybe see jail time because his BAL was over 3 times the legal limit. Which he has yet to talk to me along with the fine he is facing.
I know I said "for better or worse" but I could use some NEW, friendly, INFORMATIVE advice. Sorry in advance fr being so gloom and doom, but I have been told (from professionals) that I need to exit.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Welcome.
I struggled with the "for better for worse" too -- and AXH and his pastor threw it in my face when I left. They were quoting me that passage about women submitting to their husbands, and I quoted them back that husbands are supposed to treat their wives like Christ treated the church, giving his life if necessary, so in my mind, he had broken the marriage contract before I did by choosing alcohol over his family.
That is a question only you can answer for yourself. For me, it was a combination of things -- including our oldest child telling me how much he prayed that I would leave his father because it would make our lives so much better.
There's no one answer to when you've had enough. I thought I had very clear boundaries, but I found that AXH was able to walk roughshod over every single boundary I had (including forced sex) with me coming up with excuses why it was still not time to leave.
I wish I had left years earlier, but I left when I was convinced it was the right thing to do. And the comfort I have in that is that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I had done everything I could to save our marriage. But you can't save a marriage on your own, unless you want to sell your soul in the process.
I struggled with the "for better for worse" too -- and AXH and his pastor threw it in my face when I left. They were quoting me that passage about women submitting to their husbands, and I quoted them back that husbands are supposed to treat their wives like Christ treated the church, giving his life if necessary, so in my mind, he had broken the marriage contract before I did by choosing alcohol over his family.
I wonder where the line is? How much do we (the family) take.
There's no one answer to when you've had enough. I thought I had very clear boundaries, but I found that AXH was able to walk roughshod over every single boundary I had (including forced sex) with me coming up with excuses why it was still not time to leave.
I wish I had left years earlier, but I left when I was convinced it was the right thing to do. And the comfort I have in that is that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I had done everything I could to save our marriage. But you can't save a marriage on your own, unless you want to sell your soul in the process.
peaceful seabird
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family xedancer!
You will find support and information and encouragement here. I hope you make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
We understand living with addiction.
I am divorced from my alcoholic. It was not an easy decision to make.
I was partly influenced by the role model I was presenting to my children. I did not want them to think that marriage meant tolerating unacceptable behavior: lies, denial, manipulation, financial disasters, and health issues all related to alcohol.
I did not want them to mimic that behavior in their future personal relationships.
Please continue to vent and share as needed.
We are here to support you!
You will find support and information and encouragement here. I hope you make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
We understand living with addiction.
I am divorced from my alcoholic. It was not an easy decision to make.
I was partly influenced by the role model I was presenting to my children. I did not want them to think that marriage meant tolerating unacceptable behavior: lies, denial, manipulation, financial disasters, and health issues all related to alcohol.
I did not want them to mimic that behavior in their future personal relationships.
Please continue to vent and share as needed.
We are here to support you!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 5
Thanks. I am so close to leaving. I have an attorney on retainer and was going to have him served right before his DUI and rehab stay. As I see it, even now him lying on the couch, I ask myself what am I doing? Did I really think he would return from rehab ready to work towards a life of recovery? Unfortunately the teacher in me thinks that if you continue to work hard you will see positive results.
But then again he is 48 not 5.
But then again he is 48 not 5.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
xedancer,
Hi, glad you found SR--
No I donīt see him working hard, or working at all, from what you describe. The man you are seeing is the man he wants to be today. Perhaps what he will always be. Perhaps all he is capable of being.
"Hope is not a plan" as they say around here.
All the best.
Hi, glad you found SR--
No I donīt see him working hard, or working at all, from what you describe. The man you are seeing is the man he wants to be today. Perhaps what he will always be. Perhaps all he is capable of being.
"Hope is not a plan" as they say around here.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
For better or for worse, in sickness and in health.
I have wondered how many have stuck out the hell of a marriage because of the above words.
I DO NOT believe they mean you are meant to soldier on when your partner CHOOSES to act in ways that cause the WORSE of situations, or they continue indulging in acts which cause or aggravate a SICKNESS.
My late XAH threw these words at me when I threatened to leave him, and I fell into the trap of "keeping my vows" guilt.....til a priest asked me to look at it again.
We teased it all apart, and I came to the decision that it was not a sentence that manacled couples together come what may, and no matter how.
Next time those words got tossed my way, I told him that HE was the one making his ILLNESS into a WORSE situation and I was not obligated to live in any hell he created.
Wish all those in this bind all the best of help and comfort.
I have wondered how many have stuck out the hell of a marriage because of the above words.
I DO NOT believe they mean you are meant to soldier on when your partner CHOOSES to act in ways that cause the WORSE of situations, or they continue indulging in acts which cause or aggravate a SICKNESS.
My late XAH threw these words at me when I threatened to leave him, and I fell into the trap of "keeping my vows" guilt.....til a priest asked me to look at it again.
We teased it all apart, and I came to the decision that it was not a sentence that manacled couples together come what may, and no matter how.
Next time those words got tossed my way, I told him that HE was the one making his ILLNESS into a WORSE situation and I was not obligated to live in any hell he created.
Wish all those in this bind all the best of help and comfort.
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