past victim self image keeps getting triggered
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
past victim self image keeps getting triggered
i used to work in a social club locally in the housing estate where i now live [talk about pooped on yer doorstop!]. This is 2+ years ago. At the time i was a closet chronic drinker *** alcoholic and deeply co-dependent [although i didnt know it]. My main work 'buddy' was a lady 20 years my senior who was highly critical judgemental with a penchant for moralizing. Although i did not have the intillectual know how and emotional maturity at the time this person on a more than one occassion deeply violated personal boundaries.
Unbeknown to me there was also a 15 year old juvenile girl working here who was coddled by the other staff but whom i personally found nigh unmanageble.
After about a year and having been publically ridiculed by a drunken club member whom the club failed to ban i ended up becoming so hopelessly emeshed and fused in a state of vunerability and lack of respect to the club [is how i felt at the time] i ended up walking off shift one night and never coming back.
Well this club is only a 2 minute walk from where i live. Im about 7 and a half months sober
Time and time again when i see a old face [ex punter] from the club i switch back into victim self image - most unsettling. Moving house is not possible so all i can do is work on my psychology.
Whats worse is that i foolishly followed the example of the co-worker i described whilst working at the club so i had a tendency rather than keep proffessional distance to get involved with patrons
This means that i have 100-150-maybe even 200 local people who quite often times will trigger old victim self images and feelings of shame/despair/fear/being controlled/trapped
I have also only just learnt [from a book] about boundaries and how to pick safe and unsafe people to spend time with so i feel pretty silly that i gon and gotten involved with a bunch of people without properly assessing who is safe and who is not.
Any suggestions of what i may do about these feelings that surface when i see these people. I dont like having to walk past or near them really. I fear that they may want to get to know me.
The person i used to work with was uber manipulative/controlling and so for some reason i guess i fear that me speaking to any of the old patrons will get back to her maybe thats not it or maybe its that i suddenly feel shame linked to the old job and thats pretty overwhelming sometimes so getting to know these people feels like it would be challenging esp if i still fear the percieved dominion of this other bartender whom controlled and violated my boundaries [she had worked at the club for 18 years as she reminded me plenty]
kevin
Unbeknown to me there was also a 15 year old juvenile girl working here who was coddled by the other staff but whom i personally found nigh unmanageble.
After about a year and having been publically ridiculed by a drunken club member whom the club failed to ban i ended up becoming so hopelessly emeshed and fused in a state of vunerability and lack of respect to the club [is how i felt at the time] i ended up walking off shift one night and never coming back.
Well this club is only a 2 minute walk from where i live. Im about 7 and a half months sober
Time and time again when i see a old face [ex punter] from the club i switch back into victim self image - most unsettling. Moving house is not possible so all i can do is work on my psychology.
Whats worse is that i foolishly followed the example of the co-worker i described whilst working at the club so i had a tendency rather than keep proffessional distance to get involved with patrons
This means that i have 100-150-maybe even 200 local people who quite often times will trigger old victim self images and feelings of shame/despair/fear/being controlled/trapped
I have also only just learnt [from a book] about boundaries and how to pick safe and unsafe people to spend time with so i feel pretty silly that i gon and gotten involved with a bunch of people without properly assessing who is safe and who is not.
Any suggestions of what i may do about these feelings that surface when i see these people. I dont like having to walk past or near them really. I fear that they may want to get to know me.
The person i used to work with was uber manipulative/controlling and so for some reason i guess i fear that me speaking to any of the old patrons will get back to her maybe thats not it or maybe its that i suddenly feel shame linked to the old job and thats pretty overwhelming sometimes so getting to know these people feels like it would be challenging esp if i still fear the percieved dominion of this other bartender whom controlled and violated my boundaries [she had worked at the club for 18 years as she reminded me plenty]
kevin
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Kevin, first of all I hope you find a safe place. Can you re-orient yourself maybe volunteering, I got away from my old friends by chhosing a new set of people in the same neighborhood. I worked with kids who really needed someone (anyone) to praise them and give them some attention. I got away from my old friends and enemies and did some good at the same time.
You know it's ok to tell people "I don't drinl anymore" I just am not strong enough to handle that lifestyle, most people I knew even old bar friends respected my decision.
Best of luck, keep your head up, don't let old friends (or enemies for that matter) drag you down, the people here are on your side.
Bill
You know it's ok to tell people "I don't drinl anymore" I just am not strong enough to handle that lifestyle, most people I knew even old bar friends respected my decision.
Best of luck, keep your head up, don't let old friends (or enemies for that matter) drag you down, the people here are on your side.
Bill
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