Innerchild

I got up this morning and showered tried to get to gym and read an email from my grandmother how worried she is about my dad he is depressed bc of his finances. He has been helping me for ages bc I cant find a job. I have two degrees and a certification and cant even find a job at the local quick check who hires anyone and they are hiring too!!!! I studied my butt off to get my personal training certification and I cant find clients. I am lonely and feel like my life is just getting worse. I drank so much Sat that I didnt even pick up any alcohol on Sun I am just self medicating myself. I dont want to but if my dad has a heart attack it will be my fault. I want to work I need and like being around people. I am crying so hard bc everything I feel inside is coming out. What is wrong with me? None of you know me you cant answer it but I dont get it. No one rarely calls me....it sucks that even my family doesnt care my mother chooses men over her kids but she never even calls me anyway. I think I am supposed to see my therapist today. I hope she doesnt think I need to be committed or something. I just want to go back to working out all the time and seeing my gym friends which I am mad bc my instructor cutme off from taking all her classes so I can no longer see the friends I made bc they all take her classes. I feel like the biggest worthless peice of crap.

LoftyIdeals

Innerchild...It is times like this that I know God has a radical change in mind for me. And, even though it is a lonelier process than seems we can bear, the new reality we will experience will be filled with growth and purpose and peace and joy. It sounds likea great time to put down the drink, open yiur heart, and seek the coming change. It sounds lik a great time for prayer. He is always with you; all you need to do is know that and invite Him into your heart and confess all the worries you wrote about. You will find a new peace, rest assured.

EmpressSuperego

I don't have much to say in the way of your financial dependence on your dad, but please know that many, many educated and highly competent people are out of work. I recently saw a news report about an Iraq war veteran who applied to 300 fast food and retail establishments, and still couldn't find work. You are not alone.

I have some experience operating a small business, and think you might benefit from a low-cost marketing strategy for your personal training service. There is no shortage of overweight and/or sedentary people who want to get active.

Have you considered offering group classes, so that the cost per trainee is greatly reduced? But I suppose that only works if you have gym privileges somewhere... The point is, get creative!

And one last thing: you aren't a peice of garbage. As they say, God doesn't make junk.

sugarbear1

Craigslist.

Have you ever tried listening to aa speakers online? Take a listen.

I may not know you, but I know your feelings and I know you don't have to feel like that anymore.

iliveforyou

I'm so sorry for your troubles. So many people are in a state of financial crisis, including my family. We are extremely poor and it takes a toll, I know. Like you said, none of us can give you an answer. But you are cared for here and I am glad that you are reaching out. *hugs* I am sorry I can't offer anything more than support and listening.

-Jess

JulyBabe

I'm sorry for your problems. I too cried many, many evenings (usually after drinking a significant amount of wine). I cried because I thought I was worthless and no one cared about me anymore. I cried about my children's problems, my mom's Parkinsons disease, my friend's accident, I just cried an awful lot. But I hated the despair and finally realized it was the wine talking. So I read lots of positive posts on here, Pema Chodron's books, AA books, the Bible, and went to AA meetings. One of the hardest things to do can be to love yourself and I don't profess to having met that challenge yet. I do know that physical exercise helps me alot. So hurray that you're a trainer. Have you tried the Bikram yoga route?
Insturctor training is 2 months, but instructors are in great demand all over the U.S. and around the world. The hot yoga has helped me an awful lot.
I will pray for you today and send positive thoughts your way. I wish you well and hope that you can experience your worth and potential. Namaste

Innerchild

Thanks guys you helped a lot I am a basket case right now

twilli59

Being a recovery forum, I'm assuming you are (or are on your way) to wanting to treat alcoholism and/or addiction. Please remember the hallmark of the disease, the thing that confuses us and drives us to our knees, is always the same - complete loneliness and despair, and self-loathing. Untreated alcoholism totally blinds us to the truth. It took me four months, some step work out of the the book and a good sponsor to understand what had happened. It was like being RELEASED FROM PRISON!
Surrender, get hope and do the work as outlined in the book with a sponsor. This will all go away. It's amazing.

DayTrader

Hey IC, I know the feeling. I felt the exact same way. We had different circumstances, for sure, but the feelings were identical.

When it was pointed out to me that I probably had a lot more "going on" than just a drinking problem, it was like a light bulb went off in my head. When it was pointed out to me that perhaps I didn't know how to get myself "recovered" in every area of my life, it was another big moment.

"Not drinking" was having NO effect on the never ending feelings of guilt, shame, self hatred, depression, loneliness, belief that I'm not worthy of much of anything, belief that I'll always fail and let others down....etc etc etc. When THAT stuff didn't stop.....I got real open and real motivated to find a new path for my life. I was finally willing to consider that maybe I don't know it all and maybe the best thing to do was take some good orderly direction from some folks who'd been where i was and found a way out of that living hell.

Like Twilli suggested, maybe for you, just like it was for many of us, we had no viable options left BUT to got to AA. We couldn't stay sober, we couldn't get happy, we couldn't stop the depression, and life was crappy.........and we weren't drinking.

This conundrum is exactly what the AA program guarantees a solution to....and I mean guarantees it completely. Maybe you can figure a way out of the mess you're dealing with.....I sure couldn't. If you can't though....check out AA. Get a sponsor and get into the work. I'll promise you it'll get a whoooooole lot better a whooooole lot faster than you'd imagine.

Innerchild

Ive been in enough therapy to know that for people with mental illness who have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bi polar, etc that alcohol is a symptom of self medication. I have a friend who drinks for the same reason but he is in a worse position he refuses to get help unfortunately but the dif between him and I he likes to drink and doesnt want to stop. I on the other hand, want to get rid of being depressed which I have struggled with since childhood and anxiety.

MemphisBlues

IC, I found myself exactly where you are, but I didn't realize it for a few decades!

Look for some help at AA! You will find people just like you who have found a solution. The answers you seek happen there, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but they do happen.

CaiHong

Innerchild, I am sorry that you are going through so much at the moment. You said you drank on Saturday. Have you had a drink since? Sorry if I have missed your story but on this post alone I would suggest concentrating now on keeping sober. AA definitely is working for me and problems that I had or thought I had went away or dimished the longer I am sober.
CaiHong

Innerchild

I binged bad on Mon and I become a depressive mess which I ended up in hospital. They kept me to sober up evaluated me sent me home. The psych nurse told me Id end up like some woman who was in there with alcohol withdrawals if I dont stop drinking. I havent drank since and I am tooo scared. I am still depressed but being more proactive. I had a really bad three months but the alcohol made it worse.