limit setting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
limit setting
This has part has been a struggle for me. My codie side always feels like an arse when i set a limit, esp if its not well received on the other end.
My AGF called today for her weekly call. She asked me if I could get her check from work as she might be able to cash it at the treatment center and put it in her account there for her essentials. While I applaud her efforts to be more financially autonomous (this was an issue before when she asked me to buy her nearly everything and it turned out she had access to it all through the center), I set a limit that went a little like this:
Me: I'd be happy to help you. Tell you what, why don't you talk with your counselor about making the call to your boss and getting it arranged. Once that's done, let me know and I'll pick it up for you.
Her: I can't use the phone to make calls like that.
Me: I'd prefer if you took care of the business end of calling your boss on your own. Why don't you speak with your counselor about it?
Her: The check will expire and be no good in 90 days.
Me: I know they won't let you out to get it. That part I'll do for you. I just want you to be responsible for calling your boss.
Her: <pause> Ok.
This is the part where although i am 99% sure i did the right thing, i still feel like a jerk. Backstory: the day after she went into treatment, she asked me to call her boss to let her know she would be off work for the 90 days. I didn't know any better, so I did it. It was uncomfortable and I frankly do not want to deal with her boss again.
Does it get any easier to put your foot down?
My AGF called today for her weekly call. She asked me if I could get her check from work as she might be able to cash it at the treatment center and put it in her account there for her essentials. While I applaud her efforts to be more financially autonomous (this was an issue before when she asked me to buy her nearly everything and it turned out she had access to it all through the center), I set a limit that went a little like this:
Me: I'd be happy to help you. Tell you what, why don't you talk with your counselor about making the call to your boss and getting it arranged. Once that's done, let me know and I'll pick it up for you.
Her: I can't use the phone to make calls like that.
Me: I'd prefer if you took care of the business end of calling your boss on your own. Why don't you speak with your counselor about it?
Her: The check will expire and be no good in 90 days.
Me: I know they won't let you out to get it. That part I'll do for you. I just want you to be responsible for calling your boss.
Her: <pause> Ok.
This is the part where although i am 99% sure i did the right thing, i still feel like a jerk. Backstory: the day after she went into treatment, she asked me to call her boss to let her know she would be off work for the 90 days. I didn't know any better, so I did it. It was uncomfortable and I frankly do not want to deal with her boss again.
Does it get any easier to put your foot down?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I think you did fine in setting your boundaries and making her responsible for her own issues.
Setting boundaries is so difficult because the A often begins the verbal assault to manipulate our feelings because, quite frankly, it's easy to do. We allow them to make us feel fear, guilt, pity, shame or anger. They will lie through their teeth to try to get us to feel one of those feelings. We don't like feeling that way so we do their bidding to make ourselves feel better.
You stayed calm, you made your point, you weren't trying to manipulate her.... you were simply stating that she should do the things that she is capable of doing herself. Now sit back and see what happens.
gentle hugs
ke
Setting boundaries is so difficult because the A often begins the verbal assault to manipulate our feelings because, quite frankly, it's easy to do. We allow them to make us feel fear, guilt, pity, shame or anger. They will lie through their teeth to try to get us to feel one of those feelings. We don't like feeling that way so we do their bidding to make ourselves feel better.
You stayed calm, you made your point, you weren't trying to manipulate her.... you were simply stating that she should do the things that she is capable of doing herself. Now sit back and see what happens.
gentle hugs
ke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too think you did a great job.
A big part of enabling is doing for them what they could and should be doing for themselves. We rob them of the lesson and the experience when we take on "their" responsibilities.
Sometimes they kick and scream, sometimes they try to argue or negotiate or play the guilt card...but that only works for them if WE let it.
Yup, well done.
Hugs
A big part of enabling is doing for them what they could and should be doing for themselves. We rob them of the lesson and the experience when we take on "their" responsibilities.
Sometimes they kick and scream, sometimes they try to argue or negotiate or play the guilt card...but that only works for them if WE let it.
Yup, well done.
Hugs
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