How can I be patient for her?

Old 08-13-2011, 04:46 PM
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How can I be patient for her?

[originally posted in relationships]

Hi,
I am so thankful I found this forum. Finally, a place to read and write and understand alcoholism just a little better.

> My girlfriend is graduating from her out-patient program this week. It has been an extremely difficult experience for all of us. She is only at the tip of the iceberg. I have read (on this forum) that I can expect her to be a combination of powerful emotions which I can only attempt to summarize as "fragile."

Although I attempt to "be there" for her I cannot possibly feel or know what she is going through. I try not to let her mood swings affect me and I try to stay solid for her. Her motto has been "one day at a time" and I have adopted it too. I make it through the day, I think positively when I need to change my attitude, and I vent in my journal when I have fear and doubts.

It's going to be alright, but I need some guidance. When we talk about being patient for a person-- waiting for someone we love-- a young girlfriend, in a young relationship with years of problems, who hasn't even begun to confront them-- how can I possibly be patient through this experience? It feels overwhelming, but, I want to make this commitment.

> A little about us. We met at a party six months ago. We are both young 23 year-olds. We became close very quickly. Since the start, she confessed her alcoholism to me. Over time, she would confide some of her terrible secrets to me. She stopped drinking around me briefly but it came crashing back. She asked for us to break-up around our four months together but we decided to still see each other regularly. She was giving me up to drink with her ex-bf, one of her enablers.

At five months she entered detox by her own accord. She said that she still wanted me to be her boyfriend. She went into detox for a few weeks. She graduated detox and the outpatient programs and will be continuing meetings and therapy.

> So here I am in the present. She is extremely fragile. I ask nothing of her and put no pressure on her. I check in regularly and try to see her on the weekends if she is up to it. Most of our time together is spent talking about our individual lives or watching a movie. If we talk about anything else I try to keep it positive and light. Sometimes we just share a long silence together. Sometimes we have no idea what to say.

Due to her meds she is very nervous and restless. She goes up and down. Sometimes I'm in the cross-hairs. We haven't touched or kissed much or talked about our relationship since rehab. I still consider her my girlfriend and she still considers me her boyfriend. It's just hard to know anything beyond that. But, given her state of mind, I think that its probably okay for now.

> I know that I want to see her through this. I have determined through my own self-reflection that this is important to me and I believe in her. On really good days (haven't seen these in a few weeks BUT there were some great days early on) I feel like its possible, and doable, and real. I also care very deeply for her family, I love them very much.

I start to fill up with self-doubt sometimes because I am young, I am sexual, I love to socialize, and I want to be validated sometimes. Sometimes I want to stop giving love and just take love in return. I think these are natural urges too. I feel fiercely loyal to her and for now I am definitely staying.

Since she entered detox I feel like my world has deflated a little bit. The recent time that I have spent alone has been good for restructuring my internal convictions and sense of purpose. I have ways of making peace with myself even when she is at her worst. I can find that strength inside of me.

But how does one do that indefinitely?

Thank you for listening.
Rorty
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Old 08-13-2011, 05:44 PM
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Hi there, welcome to our world, one that is confusing at best!

It is great that you are reaching out for help, for guidance.

This is going to be a difficult journey, at best, for you and your girlfriend. Her recovery will require her total attention, so, your relationship will have to take a back seat for now.

I would suggest that you attend Alanon meeting to better understand her disease and what you can do to not enable her.

You will have to make many decisions in the upcoming months, if you need to vent we will be here for you.
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Old 08-13-2011, 06:50 PM
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I agree with Dollydo. I attend Al-Anon regularly, read a lot on alcoholism, and actually attend open AA meetings (not with my loved one) to learn more about the disease.

It does not always feel like a great thing to me, but I am grateful that the lessons I learned helped me to get the support I need.

Welcome.
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Old 08-13-2011, 08:23 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. It gets a bit quiet here during the weekends, but you are not alone.

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I think you will find support, information and encouragement for yourself here at SR. I also recommend Alanon meetings to help you learn more about alcoholism and help you make connections in your own community. It helps to know that others have walked the same path.

Her life sober will be different than her life prior to rehab. She will hopefully take with her new tools to cope with life on life's terms w/out using addiction as a means to cope. It is quite an adjustment and it is filled with daily challenges. However, it is her recovery and she will need to do this for herself.

To me, life after sobriety with a partner is like a dance. It's like you have the same dance partner, but the music is completely different and everyone needs to learn new dance steps. You learn your part, and she learns her part. Time will tell how well you dance.

I encourage you to continue to take care of yourself and learn as you go and grow.
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Old 08-13-2011, 09:06 PM
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Rorty,

This forum is a great place for support. Lots of experienced and wise people. I learn so much everyday. I hope you get lots of support, especially from people who understand addiction/alcoholism. Alanon is a great support too.

Take good care of yourself. There will be lots of ups and downs. . . Whether your relationship makes it or not, you'll need to be kind and good to yourself.
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Old 08-14-2011, 05:36 AM
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Hi Rorty. Welcome to SR. I agree with what everyone has said so far and would like to emphasize going to Al-Anon. Your whole first post was about what you could do for her. I can speak from experience when I say it is easy to loose yourself in that type of relationship. Al-Anon will give you the tools you need to keep yourself sane and healthy.

Your friend,
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Old 08-14-2011, 12:19 PM
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Guys,
Thank you kindly for your responses. Here is what I am hearing.

-I need to take care of myself and be kind to myself.
-I need to attend open Al-anon meetings to learn more about her disease.
-Be weary of her ups-and-downs.

The good news is that I am pretty good about taking care of myself and staying solid. I know myself pretty well. Having these forums will help me maintain my focus. At times it will be tough, some days I really miss her. Already I am witnessing the ups-and-downs. Maybe it gets worse. Right now, she is all over the map.

Pelican said that this is a dance, with new music and new steps. I like that metaphor. Since detox my A-gf is a different person to me. Her personality seems to be lost in a fog. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the girl I love and it is a sweet reminder to stay the course.

For the ups-and-downs I simply center myself. I do not weigh her words heavily on my chest and I do not analyze them. I let them pass through me. I appreciate a moment with her... even if she is being mean. She's my girl, I love her.

When I am alone I focus on work, diet, exercise, video games, and friends. Sometimes I get artistic. I clear my mind of her struggle. I let the difficult thoughts pass over me and focus on keeping occupied. Every night for the last few days I have had SR up on my computer. I have been reading it periodically. It helps a lot.

Does this sound healthy and good? I have been feeling a lull in my motivation for work and going back to school. I am sure it will come and go.

I will try to attend some open AA meetings by myself. I think I would prefer to go alone.

Thank you guys. Much love.
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Old 08-14-2011, 12:57 PM
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I am only newly reactive on the site.

Everyone had such great advice I don't really have much to add, but a clarification of your recap.

In the AA meetings you will learn about her disease. It is in the Al-anon meetings that you will learn how to take care of yourself.
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Old 08-14-2011, 02:47 PM
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Originally Posted by wister View Post
:

In the AA meetings you will learn about her disease. It is in the Al-anon meetings that you will learn how to take care of yourself.
Oh. There are two types of meetings. Thanks for pointing this out. It helps a lot.
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