m48813

He buys my alcohol and acts like there isn't any problem. I expressed my concern about my dependency over & over again. All he says is I'll help you get better but it only lasts a few days and all I have to do is ask for more, then he buys it. I went 7 days sober & felt great. He couldn't understand how hard it was for me after the initial detox. I mean nothing, no talking/discussing my plans or future, even though I displayed obvious physical withdrawals, which he was there for and constantly questioning if I was OK, feeding me soup, etc. However, 8 days into my sobriety he starts a bunch of intentional BS, then leaves me. He doesn't get my alcohol dependency nor tries to. It's like a vacant effort. The sickness seems to keep us together & he has zero interest in my progression. He cannot talk about any of this with me when I'm sober. When I'm drunk, he's super cooperative.

Anyone else have this problem? I cannot find anything online no matter how much I search.

For now we are apart, so no need to lecture me on co-dependency as anyone should know it's difficult to break up with someone when you own a house together & several other legal things that might bind people together, as that's not my concern as much as what's going on with my relationship and why someone would be OK with buying me booze but not willing to talk about my recovery.

m48813

Edit: He doesn't do drugs or drink.

hmltnls

I am not a psycologist or anything near it,but think about it .It seems to me he likes you drunk because then he has control of you .He's in charge of the relationship physically and financially .the booze keeps you weak ,he knows that.You say you have joint property well what happens if you sober up and decide YOUR in charge and can live without him.Things can be sold its only bricks and mortar and a few sticks of furniture ,get help from outside this relationship if you can ,if not keep posting here ,he doesn't love you if he behaves this way its ok to love yourself first and don't get pushed into anymore legal or joint stuff with him .If he buys you booze throw it out .You say he only talks when your drunk thats because he can bamboozle you .Sober you means he has to explain himself .Keep trying

ADaisyifyoudo

Some of it sure sounds familiar. There's a concept in psychology (note: I am NOT a psychologist, just work in the health field) called competing commitments. Basically, it states that many people may have, and believe, in a conscious desire to change something or do something (in this case, support your sobriety) but at the same time, have an unconscious but nonetheless valid reason to want to do the opposite. He may not understand himself what the reasons he would have for wanting you to continue to drink (which may be why it seems like he picked an unrelated BS fight with you).

I don't know enough to even speculate on what might be the benefits to him of you drinking: perhaps you rely on him more then, he gets to be the one nurturing or leading in the relationship and that's not true when you are sober. . .could be lots and lots of things.

I think the key thing is to focus on YOU and what's right for your health and well-being first and foremost. Be selfish (this is super hard for me but I think critical). Therapy has helped me, since for me drinking was a reaction to and symptom of some other things I needed to address.

Good luck!

Anna

The main thing is to take the focus off your boyfriend, and put it back on yourself. Stopping drinking is really hard and it will take all the energy you can muster. It's hard for others to understand what we go through, so just focus on your recovery and you will be fine.

m48813

I think he's just messed up. Recently he came back from Middle East military ops, not exactly sane or his normal self. My understanding about him is about as defective as him trying to understanding me.

Anyway, he's gone for awhile until I sort it out.

lbern

good for you! you've gotta take care of yourself right now. good luck!

sugarbear1

Just focus on you. You can!

wellwisher

The thing that pops in my mind is that when he keeps buying you liquor, it leaves it to reason that he is replenishing a supply that has been depleted.

Are you doing the depleting? I think it is fairly safe to assume that if the bottles were lining up on the kitchen counter unopened that this would not be an issue.

If that's the case, your words and your actions are giving mixed messages to a person who may know nothing about HOW he can support you. Maybe he doesn't like to see you sick and withdrawing; maybe it frightens him.

For my sobriety, it was the actions that counted. I can write a long, boring book about all the talking I did with my family and friends and countless promises made to stop, but in the end, it was my actions to get sober that gained the right support from my family. I made a strong declaration and said NO MORE and backed that up with my behavior.

Only you have the power to keep that drink from your lips. If you are struggling to do that, there is support from others that can get you to that point.

Glad to see you here on SR - keep posting. It can get better! Be kind to yourself.

Terminally Unique

There is your answer. It sounds like if you ask him for help, he helps you, whether that is helping you detox or helping you get alcohol. Perhaps consider not asking him to help you obtain alcohol? As Wellwisher pointed out, you are sending mixed signals.

iliveforyou

Sure sounds real familiar. I'm sorry you are in this position. When I had a alcohol problem, my husband continuously bought the alcohol and never once thought I had a problem..at all. I was up to 1/2 gallon a day and never heard a word. He just dived into denial I guess. Never understood why I went to rehab. After my baby girl was born, shortly after I began drinking again where I left off at and increased to a gallon a day plus pain pills and benzos. He didn't realize I had a problem until I got a damn DUI. Then he had a lot to say and was so critical. Asked why I never asked for help. LMAO. Are you kidding??

Now he denies that I had a problem with pain pills for 4 years. All I heard was tsk tsk when I came to him and told him what I did.....many times. Hopeless on this addiction stuff.

Oh and he doesn't drink or drug and never has.

I'm sorry I have no advice but you are not alone.

-Jess

sugarbear1

You answered in your post. Codependency. I wish you well.

m48813

Thanks @iliveforyou as that's exactly what I'm going through. A bit too supportive in the wrong areas, even through I try to explain that buying the stuff is worse than listening and helping me. I don't think he gets what this is about, even when I send him articles about alcohol abuse, he just blows it off -- I doubt he even takes a second to read it. Like I said before he's gone for awhile. I just worry about when he comes back.

I think this relationship is doomed because there's an elephant in the room & he's signaling to me it's not there. When things get hard, I reach for the bottle. I need someone who I live with to acknowledge that's unhealthy. I agree with everyone it's not up to him but it's really difficult regarding the awkward disconnect when I need support through tough times & he just gives me a blank stare. I'd rather have someone doing the tsk tsk motions at this point because I WANT to get better. He can't see when I go through withdrawals, he doesn't see that I'm sick!

Like someone said in this thread I'm sure he's psychotic too because of the house, etc. It hasn't crossed my mind.

Soberpotamus

You may be the only person to help yourself. If he won't listen or be supportive, then you are on your own. Dealing with an addiction on top of a relationship problem is very hard. I was in a six year relationship with an alcoholic drinker... and it was very easy for me to point the finger. We both did.

You must take the reins in your own hands. Especially if you're dealing with someone who's not living in reality. Help yourself!

Oh... and we had a house together (mine, but just as much his... he paid for half the stuff in it). He moved out, took his stuff. Lots and lots of clutter left when he did... it was a cleansing, and sad process. It was worth it. We needed to go our separate ways. Not saying you and your bf should break up, but... just wanted to say the hard stuff can be done, and it does get better!

m48813

I stopped taking prescription drugs 3 months ago. During that time I ended up in ER due to withdrawals. He drove me & we haven't talked about it since. He just assumes I have have real health problems and keeps telling me to get a checkup/screening. Well I did & I'm perfectly fine. The doctor wrote me another prescription for psych meds & gave me a referral to a psychiatrist (not the counseling type of doctor but the prescription meds type of doctor). I just threw it out as the prescription psych meds started all of this.

I'm just venting on this forum because I haven't had anyone to talk to about it and have bottling it up for about a year.

It's codependency as everyone said but how do I stop it? Maybe I just need to be single and end the relationship?

m48813

thanks @SoberJennie Yes, it's difficult indeed. I love him. It's not that easy to just kick someone out, nor is it to just ignore someone after so many years. It's easy advice but not an easy choice.

Soberpotamus

Not easy, no. It took me a while to do it. I knew early on we weren't a healthy couple. He and I made it so easy to keep things going... guess it was easier to put up with the crap than to split. It actually took my mother dying to wake me up... The hurt and devastation I felt from her death was so powerful... way more powerful than my ties to my ex. While she was on life support, dying, I made the decision to split with him finally. It gave me the courage to make that change. Then it took me another year to decide to quit drinking for good. Now, here I am sober for over 45 days, in a new relationship, and ready to make a big career change

You can do it! Just search your heart... you'll know what needs to be done.

sugarbear1

A programof recovery may workwork

Terminally Unique

At one point or another, I think that many addicted people entertain a "rescue fantasy," whereby they hope that someone else will save them from themselves. I myself at one point resigned myself to my dismal fate, and figured that something or someone would have to intervene and lock me up for me to stop. The problem is, to an outsider, addiction appears utterly illogical. Think about it for a second. On the one hand, you are telling him that you need help, while simultaneously telling him that you want more alcohol, and that he needs to get it for you.

To a never-addicted person, this behavior appears completely insane, and if you are using it as a "test" to see how much he cares about you, you may be disappointed. I have only had three people in my entire life ever tell me "you need to never drink again," and two of those were my parents, one of which never drinks. Everyone else just shook their head in disbelief or told me to "cut back."

More than a few have used lack of support as a justification to continue drinking, but please don't go down that path. You can do this, even completely by yourself, if necessary. You may not believe it at the moment, but I have full faith in your own capacity to quit your addiction and to recover.