Should I feel guilty drinking because my dad is an alcoholic?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Should I feel guilty drinking because my dad is an alcoholic?
First post here and I thought maybe posting would help solve a question that has been plaguing me lately. I am 19 years old and a sophomore in college and I do not drink. My father is an alcoholic and he moved out of the house when I was 16 and my family life at home became a lot better with it being just me and my mom. In the early years of high school, I hated alcohol and I frowned on my friends who drank because I saw what it had done to my family. Slowly, I became more tolerant and by the end of high school I could have cared less if any of my friends drank and I had no problem being around it; I just didnt take part in it. However after finishing my first year, I have started considering drinking because I do not think it is fair that I wont let myself drink because of the mistakes my dad made. I cant talk to my mom about it because she has a very negative view on alcohol and I cant have an honest conversation with her. Its just I go to parties and I am the only one who doesnt drink and it looks like everyone else is having more fun than me. My friends are great and dont peer pressure me to drink even though they do themselves. I just want to be able to drink and not feel like a hypocrite considering I look down on my father for his alcoholism. Its just when you get to college 99% of "normal" people drink. I hope you guys see the dilemma I'm in. I just feel like my dad has ruined alcohol for me which is something that can be alright in moderation.
Thank you for any insight you guys may have.
Thank you for any insight you guys may have.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to SR!
I will tell you what I tell my family based on my personal experience.
Alcohol intolerance/allergy can be inherited. There is a genetic link. It does not mean you too will become an alcoholic, but it does increase the odds.
Normies can drink and process the alcohol without adverse affects. For some individuals, the body does not process the alcohol in a normal fashion.
I also know from personal experience that normies don't obsess about alcohol the way alcoholics do. Normies can go to parties and not notice the alcohol consumption. Alcoholics count the days and minutes until the next party so that they can consume more alcohol. They look forward to every social event as an occasion to drink. They also begin to look forward to every stressful situation as an occasion to drink.
I also share with my family the legal facts. Alcohol consumption is illegal in most states for anyone under the age of 21.
In my household, I am not willing to financially support or assist in any behavior that contributes to alcohol consumption. Nor pay for any consequences that arise from alcohol consumption. These are my personal boundaries.
I learned more about setting personal boundaries for myself here and at Alanon meetings.
You grew up with alcoholism in your home. Even though your Alcoholic no longer lives in your home, you still may be interested in attending Alanon meetings. Alanon meetings are free, support group meetings for friends and family of alcoholics. The meetings helped me re-build my self esteem and take better care of myself.
I'm glad you are here asking questions before picking up a bottle.
It's nice to *meet* you.
I'm known as Pelican, and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I was also married to an alcoholic, and
I am a mother to three wonderful young adults.
My oldest child has choosen to drink given the same facts and boundaries I shared with you. I didn't expect to change her, but I hoped she would have chosen sobriety.
I will tell you what I tell my family based on my personal experience.
Alcohol intolerance/allergy can be inherited. There is a genetic link. It does not mean you too will become an alcoholic, but it does increase the odds.
Normies can drink and process the alcohol without adverse affects. For some individuals, the body does not process the alcohol in a normal fashion.
I also know from personal experience that normies don't obsess about alcohol the way alcoholics do. Normies can go to parties and not notice the alcohol consumption. Alcoholics count the days and minutes until the next party so that they can consume more alcohol. They look forward to every social event as an occasion to drink. They also begin to look forward to every stressful situation as an occasion to drink.
I also share with my family the legal facts. Alcohol consumption is illegal in most states for anyone under the age of 21.
In my household, I am not willing to financially support or assist in any behavior that contributes to alcohol consumption. Nor pay for any consequences that arise from alcohol consumption. These are my personal boundaries.
I learned more about setting personal boundaries for myself here and at Alanon meetings.
You grew up with alcoholism in your home. Even though your Alcoholic no longer lives in your home, you still may be interested in attending Alanon meetings. Alanon meetings are free, support group meetings for friends and family of alcoholics. The meetings helped me re-build my self esteem and take better care of myself.
I'm glad you are here asking questions before picking up a bottle.
It's nice to *meet* you.
I'm known as Pelican, and I am a recovering alcoholic.
I was also married to an alcoholic, and
I am a mother to three wonderful young adults.
My oldest child has choosen to drink given the same facts and boundaries I shared with you. I didn't expect to change her, but I hoped she would have chosen sobriety.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
the three C's
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and there is no cure..
al anon will help you and/or children of alcoholics.....please go to meetings they will help you....
you did not cause this
you can not control this
and there is no cure..
al anon will help you and/or children of alcoholics.....please go to meetings they will help you....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi tellam,
Hey, I think this is a question that many of us who have lived with alcoholics ask ourselves.
I was married to an alcoholic, like your mom was. I find that more than me really wanting to drink, I'm angry because I have this whole committee of people arguing in my head any time the subject comes up. I can't just say, "sure, I'll have a glass of wine with dinner" or "no thank you, I'll stick with the water." It's not that simple for me.
So I can relate very much to the feeling you have that it's unfair that other people can drink without giving it a second thought, while you have this whole long discussion going on in your head.
My son (who's roughly your age) has chosen to go hard-core the "other way" from his father. He says "If I could stop being dependent on oxygen, I would." He says he doesn't want to take the risk of becoming addicted to anything -- alcohol, pot, tobacco -- and actually even gives himself a month here and there with no internet, just because he's concerned about something outside himself robbing him of his independence.
I don't know what the answer is for you. Of course, you have the additional thing of being 19 and not legally allowed to drink (but we all know how much that means on college campuses, right?). Maybe you could use that as a way to delay the choice/decision until it is legally OK, and see where you're at in your attitude/decision-making then?
I've been struggling with whether to drink or not, and it's been legal for me for longer than you've been alive
I think I've come down on the side of NOT -- and mostly because the "good" effects really aren't that great, and the bad effects (from just feeling tired the next day to the tremendous risks of addiction and all that fallout) just aren't worth it.
But that's me. You'll figure it out for yourself. Just the fact that you're thinking long and hard about it shows that you've got an awareness that most 19-year-olds (that is, those that didn't grow up with alcoholism) don't. And that's a curse in a way (hard-earned knowledge) but it's also a blessing -- you know how addiction can affect a family, which means you're more cautious.
Hey, I think this is a question that many of us who have lived with alcoholics ask ourselves.
I was married to an alcoholic, like your mom was. I find that more than me really wanting to drink, I'm angry because I have this whole committee of people arguing in my head any time the subject comes up. I can't just say, "sure, I'll have a glass of wine with dinner" or "no thank you, I'll stick with the water." It's not that simple for me.
So I can relate very much to the feeling you have that it's unfair that other people can drink without giving it a second thought, while you have this whole long discussion going on in your head.
My son (who's roughly your age) has chosen to go hard-core the "other way" from his father. He says "If I could stop being dependent on oxygen, I would." He says he doesn't want to take the risk of becoming addicted to anything -- alcohol, pot, tobacco -- and actually even gives himself a month here and there with no internet, just because he's concerned about something outside himself robbing him of his independence.
I don't know what the answer is for you. Of course, you have the additional thing of being 19 and not legally allowed to drink (but we all know how much that means on college campuses, right?). Maybe you could use that as a way to delay the choice/decision until it is legally OK, and see where you're at in your attitude/decision-making then?
I've been struggling with whether to drink or not, and it's been legal for me for longer than you've been alive
I think I've come down on the side of NOT -- and mostly because the "good" effects really aren't that great, and the bad effects (from just feeling tired the next day to the tremendous risks of addiction and all that fallout) just aren't worth it. But that's me. You'll figure it out for yourself. Just the fact that you're thinking long and hard about it shows that you've got an awareness that most 19-year-olds (that is, those that didn't grow up with alcoholism) don't. And that's a curse in a way (hard-earned knowledge) but it's also a blessing -- you know how addiction can affect a family, which means you're more cautious.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 120
Hi Tellam,
I have a similar story to yours. When I was a teenager growing up my father was not an alcoholic, but he was a HEAVY drinker. He got drunk often and he was NOT a happy drunk. I hated what he was like when he was drunk. I made the personal decision not to drink because I didn't even want to risk turning out like him. So all through highschool I would go to the parties but would not drink. Like your friends, mine did not pressure me either, which was nice (also I'm sure they always liked having a DD!)
Enter University... I moved myself to the other side of the country, far away from my parents. I still was not drinking but then I decided to enroll myself into a University program about winemaking. I went so far as to ask the program head if I could get through the program without drinking. He said no. So... I started drinking the wine that my courses required. I admit my classmates and I had some good times doing blind tastings and such, but I still did not drink on my own outside of school work (that sounds odd, doesn't it, lol!). It took me 6 years to finish the program as I was also working full time and could only take school part time. I admit I did occasionally drink socially during that time, but I can honestly say I've never been drunk.
However once I finished the program I once again decided to go back to my non-drinking ways. It has been about 9 years for me now since I decided to stop drinking again. I can honestly say I don't miss it. I have SO much fun when I'm out with my friends. Yes I'm still the DD but I don't mind. I also find I hang around with a lot of people that DON'T drink. Like minded people seem to attract like minded people.
My SO now is a recovering alcoholic/addict and he tells me it's ok if I want to drink when we go out, but I just really have no desire... none whatsoever. I never feel like I'm depriving myself of alcohol because my SO can't have any.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you won't regret it if you decide not to drink. I certainly don't. And my life is very full and definitely fun!
Whatever you decide is up to you. I know you'll be smart about it even if you do decide to drink. Just remember that you don't actually NEED alcohol to have fun. Fun is what and where you make it!
Hugs,
T
I have a similar story to yours. When I was a teenager growing up my father was not an alcoholic, but he was a HEAVY drinker. He got drunk often and he was NOT a happy drunk. I hated what he was like when he was drunk. I made the personal decision not to drink because I didn't even want to risk turning out like him. So all through highschool I would go to the parties but would not drink. Like your friends, mine did not pressure me either, which was nice (also I'm sure they always liked having a DD!)
Enter University... I moved myself to the other side of the country, far away from my parents. I still was not drinking but then I decided to enroll myself into a University program about winemaking. I went so far as to ask the program head if I could get through the program without drinking. He said no. So... I started drinking the wine that my courses required. I admit my classmates and I had some good times doing blind tastings and such, but I still did not drink on my own outside of school work (that sounds odd, doesn't it, lol!). It took me 6 years to finish the program as I was also working full time and could only take school part time. I admit I did occasionally drink socially during that time, but I can honestly say I've never been drunk.
However once I finished the program I once again decided to go back to my non-drinking ways. It has been about 9 years for me now since I decided to stop drinking again. I can honestly say I don't miss it. I have SO much fun when I'm out with my friends. Yes I'm still the DD but I don't mind. I also find I hang around with a lot of people that DON'T drink. Like minded people seem to attract like minded people.
My SO now is a recovering alcoholic/addict and he tells me it's ok if I want to drink when we go out, but I just really have no desire... none whatsoever. I never feel like I'm depriving myself of alcohol because my SO can't have any.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you won't regret it if you decide not to drink. I certainly don't. And my life is very full and definitely fun!
Whatever you decide is up to you. I know you'll be smart about it even if you do decide to drink. Just remember that you don't actually NEED alcohol to have fun. Fun is what and where you make it!
Hugs,
T
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I started my drinking in college, despite a long line of alcoholism on both sides of my family. Because neither of my parents drank/drink, I thought I was safe.
I was wrong. I'm in long-term recovery now, and thank God for that.
My youngest daughter drinks from time to time which does concern me. With me being a recovering alcoholic and her father also in recovery, she's got an 85% chance of alcoholism if she continues.
All I can do is let her live her life. We've already talked about alcoholism, and the fact you just never know when that switch flips from social drinker to alcoholic.
I was wrong. I'm in long-term recovery now, and thank God for that.
My youngest daughter drinks from time to time which does concern me. With me being a recovering alcoholic and her father also in recovery, she's got an 85% chance of alcoholism if she continues.
All I can do is let her live her life. We've already talked about alcoholism, and the fact you just never know when that switch flips from social drinker to alcoholic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2
I really appreciate all the answers. Its obviously a lot to think about and you guys provided many relevant points that need to be considered.
I used to be like your son lillamy and try to be the complete opposite of my father, but lately I have just been thinking with the mindset that I shouldn't let his mistakes affect my life. I would say my viewpoints are keeping me from drinking a lot more than my age is at this point.
To me, it seems like between the ages of 20-35 its just not socially acceptable anymore not to drink. Most of the people that dont drink around me are religious nuts and just not people I would associate with. Also in the work environment, I also feel like it is not acceptable not too drink as I am entering the oil and gas industry after college, where most of the workers are men and many "work" events involve alcohol. If my dad turned out not to be an alcoholic, I am almost positive I would drink now and if someone told me they didnt drink I would probably find it strange. Obviously, everyone who I explain my "circumstances" to understands why I dont drink.
Im just tired of letting my dads mistakes dictate how I live my life, as I honestly believe that alcohol, in moderation and in a social environment, can be an acceptable thing. However, Im still afraid if I drank, even when I am 21, I would feel guilty and if I ever got drunk I would question how much is too much since there is so much evidence that alcoholism is genetic.
Thank you again for all of you guys insight, I truly appreciate it.
I used to be like your son lillamy and try to be the complete opposite of my father, but lately I have just been thinking with the mindset that I shouldn't let his mistakes affect my life. I would say my viewpoints are keeping me from drinking a lot more than my age is at this point.
To me, it seems like between the ages of 20-35 its just not socially acceptable anymore not to drink. Most of the people that dont drink around me are religious nuts and just not people I would associate with. Also in the work environment, I also feel like it is not acceptable not too drink as I am entering the oil and gas industry after college, where most of the workers are men and many "work" events involve alcohol. If my dad turned out not to be an alcoholic, I am almost positive I would drink now and if someone told me they didnt drink I would probably find it strange. Obviously, everyone who I explain my "circumstances" to understands why I dont drink.
Im just tired of letting my dads mistakes dictate how I live my life, as I honestly believe that alcohol, in moderation and in a social environment, can be an acceptable thing. However, Im still afraid if I drank, even when I am 21, I would feel guilty and if I ever got drunk I would question how much is too much since there is so much evidence that alcoholism is genetic.
Thank you again for all of you guys insight, I truly appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 33
I don't drink, but that is mostly due to my own negative past relationship with alcohol. I never considered myself an alcoholic or anything, but there was a time in my life (well at about your age) that I was drunk more than I was sober. The "connections" I used to get my alcohol when I was underage were the same connections I used to get illegal drugs shortly after I discovered the alcohol. This was long before anyone considered my mom an alcoholic.
I stopped drinking right before I turned 21, but started partying again after my husband and I met. At this point my mom did have a problem with it, although some days she would admit it and other days she wouldn't.
I noticed a few things about myself. One is that I don't just drink for a buzz, I drink to get drunk and two is that I don't like how it feels to sober up once I have alcohol in my system even if it is just one drink, so I continue drinking until I "fall asleep." Another is that I like to "drink off" my hangovers... Dangerous combination.
That behavior, combined with the pure hell my mother has put me through keeps me away from it.
I definitely feel predisposed to addiction. I don't want to turn into the addict my mom is. I don't want to put my husband through what I have been through. I don't want to put the other people who love me through that.
That is my story, but you will find out what is best for you.
I stopped drinking right before I turned 21, but started partying again after my husband and I met. At this point my mom did have a problem with it, although some days she would admit it and other days she wouldn't.
I noticed a few things about myself. One is that I don't just drink for a buzz, I drink to get drunk and two is that I don't like how it feels to sober up once I have alcohol in my system even if it is just one drink, so I continue drinking until I "fall asleep." Another is that I like to "drink off" my hangovers... Dangerous combination.
That behavior, combined with the pure hell my mother has put me through keeps me away from it.
I definitely feel predisposed to addiction. I don't want to turn into the addict my mom is. I don't want to put my husband through what I have been through. I don't want to put the other people who love me through that.
That is my story, but you will find out what is best for you.
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