terryr97

Boy, am I in turmoil! I used to have such a wonderful life in recovery about two years ago. I had many friends in AA, had started going back to school to be a substance abuse counselor and was just all around doing great. Then I met this guy who was miserable in recovery and miserable because his prime enabler, his mother, had recently died. I had 1 1/2 years sober from alcohol, he had 7 months clean from heroin. Long story short, we started going out and became each others entire world in recovery. Six months later, he relapsed. That was last summer. My world turned to utter crap. I was crying, terrified, not focused on school and just horribly depressed. He got clean again after two months of that and this summer was good but I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And, recently, it has been. I had told him if he ever walked out the door again, that would be it. He left on friday and we were sending each other messages on facebook. His were so horrible and delusional! I told him I couldn't understand how one moment he loved completely and the next he hated me.

Now, I understand everything because I have put my sobriety first for so long. But this is still tearing me apart. I know this relationship that I love so much has to end because, after reading many posts in this forum, I know that if I've been with him for 2 years and this happened two summers in a row, there's a good chance it's always happen. And, as much as I love him with all my heart and soul, if I can't get high, then no one can. I would love to get high! But, after almost 40 years of relapsing, I know for a fact that I'll not get sober again. I might want to, but I wont be able to get that "thing" that makes is stick. Several of our friends are currently in relapse mode.

I guess there's not much more I can say other than thank you to all of you that have shared your experience, strength and hope over the years. It's really helping me to not continue to try to save him. If I learned anything from my using and last summer, it's that no amount of crying and begging on my part is gonna change him. If that were true, everyone would be saved. And I can't take any of his insults personally because I know he loves me. He just wants what I have and can't get it so he has to lash out at someone and that someone is me. AA keeps me sober everyday by letting me get out of my misery and into someone elses.

Thanks for letting me share.

dollydo

Welcome!

You are right,you must keep your recovery as your primary goal. Your ABF is totally responsible for his life, his recovery.

I would suggest that you go no contact, block him from your facebook interchange, that cannot be healthy for you, for your continued recovery.

Keep reading around here, it will help!

Ann

Welcome Terry. You can be grateful that your recovery has let you see clearly how serious this is...your life may just depend on it.

As much as many of us wish it could be different, it rarely gets better until `we` are the ones to change.

My life depended on me letting go of my son. I coudln`t save him and the alternative was to go down with him.

Recovery saved my bacon too, and I`m glad it is saving yours.

Hugs

terryr97

I was able to let go of my sons and tell my ex that all I could do was be an example of recovery and here I got tied up with my AB. While I have cut ties to him on fb because his messages were making my heart pound and all that he was saying was the same stuff he always says: I'm sorry I couldn't live up to your expectations (which were only to stay sober) and how I never loved him and nobody loves him etc. I was messaging him back but it got so I knew that there was nothing left to say that I had not said a thousand times before and none of it mattered. It didn't matter when people said it to me when I was still out there and it's his way of deflecting the blame from himself onto me. We broke up, on fb in front of all of our friends in the program, every week last year. Not my choice to be so public about it, trust me. Now he's talking crap to all our friends about me and, while it did bother me at first, as I always say, AA is not my social circle and these people aren't my friends. They're the people who are saving my life. I'm just so frustrated because it was a match made in heaven and many have told us that. He was doing so wonderfully! Everyone was saying how much they loved us and our relationship! But he's 18 years younger than me and I still had alot of years out there when I was his age and I can't take this experience from him because it may be what saves him down the road. Or kills him. It's God's plan, not mine and I have to abide by that. That's what the good AA in me says. The gf says I'm angry and working on a wonderful resentment here.

terryr97

And, if I have learned nothing else from this forum, I have learned that I have a choice in this situation. I know that I can choose to stay with this man I love, as long as I am willing to say "I know you're using heroin and I'm fine with that. I know that you will steal all I have to hock it to get dope. I know that you will be miserable and take it out on me. I know that I will, inevitably, start shooting dope with you because I really want to try it. I know that I will lose my going to school, my apartment, my car and I will have to prostitute myself to pay for drugs and we will grow to hate each other as we fight over the last bit cos neither of us wants to be sick. And one of us will die, if not both."

So, when the time comes that I want to lose everything and do those things, I can. Just for today, I do not choose to live that way. Who knows what tomorrow may bring. No one. Just for today, tho, I am choosing to stay sober.

terryr97

And, of course, my resolve is weakening. And my fear is increasing. Wonderful.

loveforhorses

THese words are so powerful, brought tears to my eyes,, thank you for sharing

terryr97

He was at the meeting (that we used to open together that I now do alone) tonite. Fortunately, a mutual friend had warned me beforehand that he was coming, which was good. He didn't sit up front with me where we've always sat together, but, rather, sat in the back with his sponsor.

Now, I am still very angry with him and all the crap he's put me through but I am equally happy that he swallowed his pride and came to the meeting. I know how hard it was for him to be in a room with me there, knowing how much I hate him right now. Yes, part of it might have been because he wanted to prove that he was still working the program but I do know he does want sobriety so bad. (So much conflict in my head!)

Anyway, some good mutual friends were unhappy that he didn't even bother to talk to me but that's ok. I know, one day, we'll talk again. But it's in my nature to ream him cos I'm angry and I don't think having to face my anger will help him. Rather, it'll just give him an excuse to not come back to meetings. And, while I am justified in my anger, I also know that he's not experienced in having a relationship. He's experienced in being an addict. So, just going to a meeting where he knows he's got people who are pissed at him is a huge step.

Everyone thinks I'm going to take him back because we broke up like 30 times last summer because he kept choosing his drugs and friends over me and i kept taking him back. I'm hoping that this lack of feeling that I have for him, because I know he's not in a place where he can be trusted with my heart, stays that way. But, I prayed to God that he'd overcome his ego and go to the meeting and he did, so all is good.