lillamy

I woke up in the middle of the night realizing I'm actually capable of forgiving AXH now. It took a year after the divorce, but I suddenly "got it" somehow. Got how this disease has affected him in such a way that he really doesn't understand the harm he's done. Every action he takes is all about protecting his addiction, and that always comes first, before considering anyone else or even himself. I did what I could when I removed myself from the situation. I've done what I can legally and emotionally to counteract the effect his disease has on our children. I will continue doing all of that. And somehow, the detachment has given me the gift of forgiveness.

I'm sort of smirking at myself when I type this, because I know he'll make me furious and borderline homicidal again, maybe already today, but letting go of all the hatred I've been feeling up to this point? Priceless. I feel lighter. Like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

yorkiegirl

I love it, lillamy! The "forgiveness" is for us (much more so than it is for them). Your post has made my morning!

m1k3

Good for you!


We need more posts like this when people share success as well as problems.

lillamy

I know! It's so easy to come here only when I have issues, but then I realize how much I appreciate the people who come to my Al-Anon group and share successes!!!

m1k3

Besides, successes are more fun to share, unless of course it's another entry in things normies don't know.

That smilie is kind of creepy looking don't ya think?

Your friend,

lillamy

But you don't need to share your successes as much, I think. Successes just make me feel closer to being a normie. I feel like I'm strong and can handle things on my own. Whereas whenever I hit my head against yet another codie thing, I need you guys. That is, I'm aware that I need you guys.

m1k3

I actually don't feel like a normie anymore and don't want to. I was a normie when I began my 15 year stroll through hell. I feel that with working my recovery I have come out the other side a lot stronger, saner and much more skillful at living than I was back then. When I was a normie everything was on cruise control, now I am doing things on purpose and I like it that way.

To use Buddhist terminology, I was asleep and now I have wakened up.

TeM

Reminds me of this TV commercial:

Dentastix commercial - YouTube

duqld1717

[QUOTE=lillamy;3068904]Successes just make me feel closer to being a normie.QUOTE]

I think everyone has a little codependecy in them. What and who is normal anyway? There really isn't a standard definition for codependecy...there are many definitions but not one is set in stone. According to "Beyond Codependecy" experts really aren't sure if codependency is a sickness, a condition, or a normal response to abnormal people.

I like to think of it as the last one. Alot of people would act the way we acted if their lives were turned upside down by an A. We did the best we could with what we had at the time. I feel like codependency can sneak up on anyone no matter how normal or strong they think they are. But, addressing my codependency issues has made me have a clearer vision on life. But I don't think life is ever suppose to be clear, no matter how "recovered" we are. If it was clear cut and easy, life wouldn't be a mystery and it wouldn't be so beautiful.

lillamy

I don't think I ever was a normie. I've been down this path with my latest (brilliant) therapist, and I think I finally understand that (and why) if I hadn't met AXH and married him, I would probably have found another addict who needed me because that's the role I had defined as mine from early childhood. And my parents didn't drink at all until I was about 15, and then very moderately. But it's been fascinating to figure out what other relationships, behaviors, etc., from the people around me led me to believe my job was being "a good girl" and doing what I was told and not rock the boat and make sure to pay attention to the needs of other people before my own...

So no, I'll never be a normie. But the good side of this recovery process is that I now understand myself a whole lot better, and... am more mindful of the garbage going on in my mind (as well as the good stuff). Just the insight that you don't have to act on a feeling has been a huge eye opener.

So we'll never be normies, but maybe we can lead normal lives?

Summerpeach

[QUOTE=duqld1717;3068931]
One of the wisest posts I've ever read on here. I agree x 1000000

Normie? No one on this planet is normal! We all struggle with issues. Even when someone looks 'normal", trust me, they are as confused at the rest of us.

yorkiegirl

Addiction and co-dependency are probably understandable and "reasonable" ways for human beings to attempt to adapt or (mal-adapt) to a very sick society. . . (That's the "sociologist" in me talking). In many ways, it's probably a "normal" way to try and adapt to abnormal conditions in our society. . . It was probably "normal" and "healthy" to be intimately attached and closely connected to each other when life and societies in general were more "simple" (less hyper-organized and controlled) thousands and thousands of years ago. . . There was more social interconnectedness. . .What was once healthy human mechanisms are now pathologies. I think I "get" why there is addiction and co-dependency. . . It makes a whole lot of sense to me (from a distance).

I think the whole "attachment parenting" movement is an attempt to return to valuing and nurturing healthy attachments between parents and children that have come to be lost with industrialization and so-called "social progress."

Having said this though, on a personal note, this is the world in which I live with all of its sicknesses and abnormalities. I want to work on being as well as I can and not rationalize personally or explain away why all the madness exists. I'm going to be using all the tools I learn here (and in my own recovery) so I can get and be well. . . As much as I thought I was "super human" and could "carry the world on my shoulders," there is only so much I can do. . . I can "be the change" for myself as Ghandi said, "that I would like to see in the world." I'm working on it!

duqld1717

Thanks Summer

dollydo

Great post...

I have tried over and over again to "Define Normal" haven't been able to do it.

Babyblue

I've always known I was an oddball.

I have really been focused on forgiveness and it is about forgiving to help ourselves. I don't like who I am when I build resentments. Then I feel badly for how I acted because I get all b1tchy and stuff.

It only hurts me.

Forgiveness helps me detach in a caring way as well. I don't ever want to stop being a compassionate person but I need to take better care of myself too.

Forgiveness helps. It actually makes me feel better about myself and how I handle things.

lillamy

I've told the story to my kids many times about the Tibetan monks who were traveling along a deserted mountain path when they came to a river. There was a young woman next to the river wanting to go across, but not knowing how. This particular brand of monks were not allowed to touch women, because women were considered unclean

The young new monk was contemplating bridges, putting a tree trunk across the river, etc., when the old monk simply walked up to the young woman, lifted her up, and carried her across. And then they kept walking. In silence.

After miles and miles the young monk couldn't keep silent anymore, so he opened his mouth and said, "How COULD YOU touch that woman? You know women are unclean? How are you going to cleanse yourself? You actually touched a woman!"

The old monk just smiled and said, "I left the woman back there by the river ford. Are you still carrying her?"

I think that's sort of where I got to. The actual physical burden of living with AXH's alcoholic antics is gone. Why still carry the anger and resentment?

PurpleWilder

I just realized THIS YEAR that the reason I can't seem to fully let go of my supposed soul-mate from 17 years ago is because I hadn't forgiven him....or myself. I still have a long way to go in getting over this particular issue, but just that realization has gotten me a long way.

Thanks for posting.

danielleinto

[QUOTE=duqld1717;3068931]

I'm with you - a normal response to abnormal people. What an alcoholic does to us isn't personal. It takes a normal person a very long time to get that because it's not rational. I don't get the serenity thing either. What comes to mind with that word is Hari Krishna. lol I can't see how anyone can become serene when they live with an addict. When we get real about what's going on how can we be serene? I don't know, being realistic and serene are very different for me. Serenity to me means complete peace and I don't get how anyone feels that when they live this life.

I sure get how forgiveness is a huge weight coming off. It's really hard to describe it. I felt it though after I completed a year of counselling dealing with my alcoholic father. Being away from the situation sure helps.

lillamy

Yes.
I will never forget what an old friend of mine (she's in her 80s) said when I told her I had left AXH. Her first marriage was to an A. She said, "in those days, initiating a divorce as a woman was horrid. But I figured, I would either divorce him or murder him, and if murdered him, my kids would be stuck with him full-time. And I decided I'd either be uncomfortable and an outcast in society for a while than put away for life."

lillamy

(And yes, I did point out to her that if she had murdered him, the kids would not have been stuck with him... she said she wasn't sure either heaven or hell would have taken her ex, so he might have survived by default... spicy old gal...)