Innerchild

I don't know what is wrong with me. Im not close with my family, I was always the black sheep. I live in a nice area by the beach and moved here to be with someone. The relationship was abusive and during that time I didnt make any new friends or see my old friends much. My old friends and I just seem to drift apart. They are married have kids. They dont call me I call them. A few friends I am close to have problems of their own. One friend seems to have developed a huge chip on her shoulder and she texted me something really nasty the other day and I am never really mean but I told her to "eff off" bc when things dont go her way she cuts people out. Then my best friend, she has been llike a surrogate mother to me for the ast seventeen years and has never been mean to me ever well I spoke to her yesterday and she gave me such an attitude I just hung up the phone on her. I spent all day Sunday looking for her son who is suicidal and an alcoholic turns out he is also doing drugs. I am hurt.

Well, I have some friends or people I am friendly with at my gym. I took classes everyday looking forward to seeing these people they are like twenty yrs older than me but it was my social hour but since my instructor developed some grudge against me I can no longer take her classes so it cut off me seeing these people I have come to known in the past two years. THis all went down after I became a personal trainer.

I put on this happy front to everyone. I am talkative and social but I dread going home bc I want to drink. I drink and then do stupid stuff bc I feel so alone. I try get lost in a book for hours to avoid feeling lonely. I know the weekend is coming up and I dread it.

I am in good shape, I am not ugly but only guys who seem attracted me want to use me. I am a personal trainer but bc I am new and the econom sucks I cant find many clients so I am looking for another job which seems like an impossible task. I have two degrees and a certification but I have no admin exp., no restaurant exp., only in retail. I need a job to keep me busy and occupied I think it would help a lot I am the type that needs to keep busy.

I just feel llike a failure. I try read positive self help booksbut they dont seem to help. I just want to find some decent friends and be happy. I feel like there is some kind of flaw in me or something. I dont want to act like a victim I just wish I knew what was wrong with me.

Dee74

I drank out of loneliness for a lot of years too, innerchild...only it didn't solve my loneliness - it just made it worse, I think....and I drank more & more.

I realise now that what really solved my loneliness was learning to be comfortable with who I was....

that led me to being comfortable in my own company...and I think that led me to be being a more attractive person to be around...and that led to new relationships and friendships.

I know it seems like the long way to go about it, and almost like you're approaching it from the wrong end...but I really think that's the process.

You're not alone in this. You have a lot of people here to help you on the journey

D

wheresthefun

Innerchild, what Dee74 said.

comanche

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote Innerchild, I know that feeling of being somehow "flawed", but that is just low self-esteem and your mind playing tricks on you...Stopping drinking has helped me to not care as much about what others think about me and just be comfortable with myself, like Dee wrotew

Eddiebuckle

IC,

I can totally identify. One of the most surprising things I discovered in sobriety was how much alcohol affected my moods and how I related to others. When I stopped drinking, it became apparent that the way I (incorrectly) perceived the world drove how I acted to everything and everyone around me. My actions spurred their reactions, usually negative reactions, and the cycle just fed on itself.

I was vaguely unhappy, definitely lonely, and felt like the sole black sheep wandering in endless herds of white sheep as I went through life. I had no intention of those things changing, because I didn't think they were wrong or changeable - I figured that's the way the world was and I just needed to learn to deal with it.

All that began to change once I quit drinking. You are not the first to feel this way - check out the options for how to quit, there are "stickies" posted in SR that will give you tons of information. And keep posting and asking questions - there is a ton of experience in sobriety to be tapped in this forum.

Good luck!

Anna

To a point, keeping busy is a good idea.

However, if you're keeping busy to avoid dealing with yourself and your emotions, it's a relentless job. I used to do that and I felt like a hamster on a wheel - always going, but going nowhere and never stopping to look at myself.

I now love time by myself and in fact, time alone with me is crucial to my recovery.

ttbp

I can identify with you totally and Dee is completely spot on xx

Innerchild

Thanks for your great replies. You make great points Dee and Anna I am the queen of avoidance then I get sad or angry bc I am not dealing with my feelings. With the amount of therapy that Ive had in my life I should know lol. I got some DVDs from the library and a few books which I read one straight through the night last night. Reading a good book helps bc my mind is focused on the book not my feelings. I have the gorgeous ocean a few blocks away I should get my butt there more to meditate it puts everything into perspective.