is he clean and im crazy or what? :)
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
is he clean and im crazy or what? :)
I talked to my soon to be ex tonight on the phone. He is a cocaine addict. For the first time EVER I thought, wow he sounds remorseful. He sounds ready to be a man. Maybe I can start to trust him and rebuild again. It felt like today he kinda woke up.
He told me that he hasn't touched cocaine since may 13. I don't believe him. I don't believe that you can go from a coke head to sober overnight (with no help). Also, I was talking to him and brought up a couple things and he played dumb and/or just basically denied (lied). Today was the first time I talked to him and no stuffy nose. This it seems he is not quite ready to accept.
So, the addicts mind. Why is it so hard to understand? I have read posts, and the sticky's and I still am confused. It is so hard for me to grasp and I don't know why. I read it. It makes perfect sense. I can relate. Anyways, everything just came out in may. Is this the beginning of the rollercoaster of trickery (pretending like they are sober and getting their act together) then back to MIA and hurtful doings? Is this my beginning road with dealing with an addict? Do I need to keep telling myself don't trust, watch keenly his behaviors and expect nothing.
Thanks to everyone for all your responses. I have been on this site for a week, and it has made me stronger and helped me cope. It is just so hard to understand.
He told me that he hasn't touched cocaine since may 13. I don't believe him. I don't believe that you can go from a coke head to sober overnight (with no help). Also, I was talking to him and brought up a couple things and he played dumb and/or just basically denied (lied). Today was the first time I talked to him and no stuffy nose. This it seems he is not quite ready to accept.
So, the addicts mind. Why is it so hard to understand? I have read posts, and the sticky's and I still am confused. It is so hard for me to grasp and I don't know why. I read it. It makes perfect sense. I can relate. Anyways, everything just came out in may. Is this the beginning of the rollercoaster of trickery (pretending like they are sober and getting their act together) then back to MIA and hurtful doings? Is this my beginning road with dealing with an addict? Do I need to keep telling myself don't trust, watch keenly his behaviors and expect nothing.
Thanks to everyone for all your responses. I have been on this site for a week, and it has made me stronger and helped me cope. It is just so hard to understand.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
I cannot speak for anyone else, however, my exabf at first admitted that he snorted coke, then 2 years later he admitted that was a total bald faced lie (one of a thousand, don't have time to go into all of them..pot,pills), he was actually a crack addict. So, the original stuffy nose deal? I have no clue. All I know is that addicts lie and then they lie somemore.
Then the remorse, I just loved that one, it was amazing how he could turn the remorse dialog on at the drop of a hat, and throw in tears just to support his willingness to do the right thing.
All I can say is that it was all BS, he was attempting to manipulate me, it was all a con job.
Maybe your ABF is sincere, I do not know, however, I do know that only time will tell, and I would not put my life on hold betting on the come.
I cannot speak for anyone else, however, my exabf at first admitted that he snorted coke, then 2 years later he admitted that was a total bald faced lie (one of a thousand, don't have time to go into all of them..pot,pills), he was actually a crack addict. So, the original stuffy nose deal? I have no clue. All I know is that addicts lie and then they lie somemore.
Then the remorse, I just loved that one, it was amazing how he could turn the remorse dialog on at the drop of a hat, and throw in tears just to support his willingness to do the right thing.
All I can say is that it was all BS, he was attempting to manipulate me, it was all a con job.
Maybe your ABF is sincere, I do not know, however, I do know that only time will tell, and I would not put my life on hold betting on the come.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: new jersey
Posts: 38
I think you have to watch and wait. His actions will show if he if sincere. You can hold onto hope, but just be patient. If he is sincere he has a lot of hard work to do.
I think that if you have never been an addict there is only going to be so much you can understand about how he thinks.
Hang in there and I will pray for you
I think that if you have never been an addict there is only going to be so much you can understand about how he thinks.
Hang in there and I will pray for you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by story74 
He told me that he hasn't touched cocaine since may 13. I don't believe him. I don't believe that you can go from a coke head to sober overnight (with no help).
I have known a few "coke heads" who finally got tired of the lives they were living and cleaned up their acts quickly and without help - never touched the stuff again. But I've also known some, my ex included, who felt as if they couldn't live without it. Some of them sought help and still haven't recovered (although he never put forth any effort to get help and probably never will).
One thing I have learned is that every addict is different. Some recover quickly, some struggle for years before they make any progress, and some never do. Some are trying to block out emotional pain, some are trying to stop physical pain, and some got hooked after using drugs just to have a little fun.
I'm not sure if your addict is being honest or not, and you do have reason to question his claim of sobriety, so don't feel bad about keeping your guard up.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
If I had a quarter for every time I fell for my AH's clean times as real I'd probably be rich. He was able to last up to two weeks "trying", but always fell right off the wagon and the hurtful cycle began for me. It is such an emotional roller coaster, and I still sometimes find myself standing in line for the ride again (letting my heart start hoping)...I have to work extremely hard to self-talk into realizing that only extended time will tell! You have to see progress way past two weeks. Ideally a year at a minimum. It is okay to have hope from a distance I think...just don't get sucked back into riding the ride!
I love what CO wrote!!! I really needed this little checklist today. In my case...
If he's clean and you're crazy than:
1) He would be gainfully employed, going to work every day. nada
2) Have his own place to live in his name. nada
3) Be paying his own bills, that are also in his name. nada
4) Have a car in his name, and be paying the insurance. not the one he's using full time!
5) Be paying child support every week/month. nada
6) Be doing whatever it took to see his child.
7) Have a phone in his name, that he pays for, and that he answers. Oh YES!
8) Be accountable and responsible. nada
9) Be willing to be drug tested. nada
10) Would show up at court nada
11) Etc. Etc. Etc.
I will have to print this out to remind myself! I simply can't allow myself back on that ride.
I love what CO wrote!!! I really needed this little checklist today. In my case...
If he's clean and you're crazy than:
1) He would be gainfully employed, going to work every day. nada
2) Have his own place to live in his name. nada
3) Be paying his own bills, that are also in his name. nada
4) Have a car in his name, and be paying the insurance. not the one he's using full time!
5) Be paying child support every week/month. nada
6) Be doing whatever it took to see his child.
7) Have a phone in his name, that he pays for, and that he answers. Oh YES!
8) Be accountable and responsible. nada
9) Be willing to be drug tested. nada
10) Would show up at court nada
11) Etc. Etc. Etc.
I will have to print this out to remind myself! I simply can't allow myself back on that ride.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New York
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by cynical one
Ditto Dolly. Before I even read what she said my thought was maybe he's progressed to crack, snorting coke is a waste of a good drug.
If he's clean and you're crazy than:
1) He would be gainfully employed, going to work every day.
2) Have his own place to live in his name.
3) Be paying his own bills, that are also in his name.
4) Have a car in his name, and be paying the insurance.
5) Be paying child support every week/month.
6) Be doing whatever it took to see his child.
7) Have a phone in his name, that he pays for, and that he answers.
8) Be accountable and responsible.
9) Be willing to be drug tested.
10) Would show up at court
11) Etc. Etc. Etc.
So, if he's doing all of the above and then some...then yes my dear you are the crazy one.
If he's clean and you're crazy than:
1) He would be gainfully employed, going to work every day.
2) Have his own place to live in his name.
3) Be paying his own bills, that are also in his name.
4) Have a car in his name, and be paying the insurance.
5) Be paying child support every week/month.
6) Be doing whatever it took to see his child.
7) Have a phone in his name, that he pays for, and that he answers.
8) Be accountable and responsible.
9) Be willing to be drug tested.
10) Would show up at court
11) Etc. Etc. Etc.
So, if he's doing all of the above and then some...then yes my dear you are the crazy one.
I have to disagree with the list you made. I am a recovering addict and I did all those things during my active addiction. Noone knew that I had a problem-I denied and lied to everyone. I didn't stop using no matter what anyone said until I wanted to stop; until I was ready to admit to myself I had a problem. NA meetings and aftercare have been a godsend. Before becoming an addict I had a difficult time understanding other people's addiction/disease. Now that I am on the other side of the fence, it's an entirely different story. However, addicts suffer from a disease and unfortunately we will go to great lengths to get what we want (drugs). My advice is talk to your loved one. Understand the disease of addiction. Good luck.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by cynical one
Ditto Dolly. Before I even read what she said my thought was maybe he's progressed to crack, snorting coke is a waste of a good drug.
If he's clean and you're crazy than:
1) He would be gainfully employed, going to work every day.
2) Have his own place to live in his name.
3) Be paying his own bills, that are also in his name.
4) Have a car in his name, and be paying the insurance.
5) Be paying child support every week/month.
6) Be doing whatever it took to see his child.
7) Have a phone in his name, that he pays for, and that he answers.
8) Be accountable and responsible.
9) Be willing to be drug tested.
10) Would show up at court
11) Etc. Etc. Etc.
So, if he's doing all of the above and then some...then yes my dear you are the crazy one.
If he's clean and you're crazy than:
1) He would be gainfully employed, going to work every day.
2) Have his own place to live in his name.
3) Be paying his own bills, that are also in his name.
4) Have a car in his name, and be paying the insurance.
5) Be paying child support every week/month.
6) Be doing whatever it took to see his child.
7) Have a phone in his name, that he pays for, and that he answers.
8) Be accountable and responsible.
9) Be willing to be drug tested.
10) Would show up at court
11) Etc. Etc. Etc.
So, if he's doing all of the above and then some...then yes my dear you are the crazy one.
he is an addict this is what they do, they are not accountable for THEIR actions....
dont make his issues yours....move on...go to ALANON OR NARNON, you will learn so much there and its about YOU now...no one else...never ever let and ADDICT question yourself...you know what you know and your gut will back you up on it!
be good to yourself...
if there's life theres hope
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Somewhere in the south
Posts: 2
I understand how you feel. My hubby was a previous cocaine user and switched to meth. He is now a recovering meth addict. He had relasped twice in the past year. He's now 80 days clean. I drug test him every three days and randomly. I love him with all my heart and even if he did go back I wouldn't leave him. I hate that it's destroyed him in the past but he is doing great now. I was so used to all his lies before, I could always tell something wasn't quite right but i wasn't sure what it was. but this last time he came and confessed to me and asked me to help him..the drug tests were his idea. I agree somewhat with the list above but my husband has a job, is responsible, rents, pays all bills and it was as hard as heck to tell he was using when he confessed the last time. I'm hoping for the best, he says I'm the only thing that has ever made him choose to stay clean. Hope is all I have
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Southerngirl77
I understand how you feel. My hubby was a previous cocaine user and switched to meth. He is now a recovering meth addict. He had relasped twice in the past year. He's now 80 days clean. I drug test him every three days and randomly. I love him with all my heart and even if he did go back I wouldn't leave him. I hate that it's destroyed him in the past but he is doing great now. I was so used to all his lies before, I could always tell something wasn't quite right but i wasn't sure what it was. but this last time he came and confessed to me and asked me to help him..the drug tests were his idea. I agree somewhat with the list above but my husband has a job, is responsible, rents, pays all bills and it was as hard as heck to tell he was using when he confessed the last time. I'm hoping for the best, he says I'm the only thing that has ever made him choose to stay clean. Hope is all I have
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I'm sorry but that is a VERY BAD IDEA.
You are making yourself his Jailer and Warden. You are not his 'mommy, jailer or warden.'
He is an adult. Either he wants recovery and all the HARD WORK that is involved, or he does not.
You will learn to 'trust' him, by stepping back, watching his ACTIONS, and not listening to his words. See what recovery methods if any he seeks out ON HIS OWN. In the meantime while you are stepping back, get yourself a copy of Co Dependent No More, sit down and read it (you probably will many times) with a highlighter pen.
Find yourself some 'face to face support' (a Naranon or Alanon group), maybe a therapist and/or counselor that specializes in addiction and learn what your personal boundaries are and how to stick to your boundaries.
Please continue to post and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much Aba 18.
Know that we are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
You are making yourself his Jailer and Warden. You are not his 'mommy, jailer or warden.'
He is an adult. Either he wants recovery and all the HARD WORK that is involved, or he does not.
You will learn to 'trust' him, by stepping back, watching his ACTIONS, and not listening to his words. See what recovery methods if any he seeks out ON HIS OWN. In the meantime while you are stepping back, get yourself a copy of Co Dependent No More, sit down and read it (you probably will many times) with a highlighter pen.
Find yourself some 'face to face support' (a Naranon or Alanon group), maybe a therapist and/or counselor that specializes in addiction and learn what your personal boundaries are and how to stick to your boundaries.
Please continue to post and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much Aba 18.
Know that we are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
I agree with Laurie......YOU do not want to be drug testing your husband.
Im going through something similiar with my boyfriend, and although he has agreed to take drug test to appease his dad....this is not something that I would have asked him to do; and I never would put myself in the position of monitoring the actual testing. That so distorts the roles each of you play in a marriage.
Maybe he screwed that up by using, but I think this might make things worse.
Im going through something similiar with my boyfriend, and although he has agreed to take drug test to appease his dad....this is not something that I would have asked him to do; and I never would put myself in the position of monitoring the actual testing. That so distorts the roles each of you play in a marriage.
Maybe he screwed that up by using, but I think this might make things worse.
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