Lestersquare

Hi,

My wife is home from rehab - she hits 45 days clean tomorrow!! - we're so proud of her.

Since being home my wife and I have had many discussions about her time in treatment. I ask a lot of questions (not in "grilling" way) and she is happy to answer them.

Last night I asked this question...
"With all the therapy you received while in treatment, did you gain an understanding of why you became addicted to drugs?"
(I'm thinking: some sort of repressed childhood trauma / her mom was & is an alcoholic / feelings of abandonment as a child etc, etc, could be anything - who knows right?..).

Her response was basically: "I got addicted to drugs because I am an addict"

While I didn't express it to her, that answer made me a little confused.

I get the addicted part, but what about the "reason" she resorted to using drugs in the first place???
Thanks,

L

ramalam

i think you answered your own question.

TMZ

I know it sounds confusing but we all have that in us and some drugs are just one time and you are addicted. .... it's that simple.

The "reason" as you say, is not the root cause of the addiction.
It falls to the addictive personality, and behavior.

The first Time they did it was more for recreational purpose, or to try something new or different. Kind of like you or I just having a drink after work to relax and get away from the issues of life or work for a bit. Some get hooked from pain meds. they used.

What matters the most right now is she realizes she is an addict. and will always be.

I am glad she has made it this far it is quite an accomplishment. But there is a long road ahead still.

Be well,

endlesspatience

Actually, I think that's an extremely positive answer. A lot of people use the reason they turned to their drug of choice as an excuse. Forgetting that excuse and going straight to the main point which is an admission of addiction. Probably better to keep working on how to recover from the addiction than delving into its causes. Having said that, one-to-work with a counsellor has given me insight into my addictive patterns and their triggers.

MsPINKAcres

Congrats to your Wife for her sobriety! that's awesome

I must ask are you in recovery also?

When I started my own recovery process I was filled with "Why" questions -

why was he an addict
why was my daughter an addict
why couldn't they stay clean & sober
why
why
why
why
and
I learned even if I knew why it still didn't take away the pain, frustration, worry or fear ~

I learned for my own peace of mind - I just had to have acceptance.

Acceptance didn't mean I agreed with any of their behaviors - I just accepted that this is the way life was at the moment and we were all on a path to try to get to a more peaceful place.

Just my e, s, & h

PINK HUGS,
Rita

BeingStill

When my RAS was in-patient, the counselors at the "family night" meetings gave us an answer to the question you ask. We all know that no one chooses to become an addict, but there are choices that lead to or "activate" addiction. Once a person becomes an addict, all bets are off. But I, too, wondered about the root cause... the catalyst, if you will.

The rehab counselors told us that the great majority of addicts/alcoholics end up in this dark place because of one of two reasons: They either hurt someone or were hurt themselves.

They told us that rehab was the place to get clean and start the conversation about how they got here, but that the conversation would need to be continued for a long time once they were out. In therapy. With a sponsor. In meetings. In recovery. With the right people. The addict needs to learn a new way to do life.

I can certainly make a list of how my RAS hurt or was hurt, but those things did not CAUSE him to become an addict/alcoholic. It prompted him to make choices that eventually led to an addiction, but instead of placing blame or looking for "reasons," he needs to focus on different ways to handle life's hurts and struggles.

It's not the "situations" that led to his addiction, but rather the way he "handled" those situations.

Chino

There are also circumstances beyond a persons control that activate it.

Back in '92 I was hospitalized for 8 days with heavy doses of narcotics. I had to use the same treatment as burn victims and asked how in the world did burn patients avoid addiction. They told me lots of people don't and most become at least dependent on narcotics.

We have a lot of soldiers dealing with this issue, too. Anyone with an addictive personality is probably one medical catastrophe away from addiction

Freedom1990

I was taught early in recovery that "why" wasn't nearly as important as "what do I do about it now?"

sojourner

45 days clean is only a beginning. Everybody has hardship at some point in their life. That does not make somebody susceptible to being an addict. For every I'm-an-addict-because-of-hurts-in-my-life story we can find a story where someone had those same hurts and yet did not become addicted. What makes someone an addict is genetics, in the same way genetics makes someone diabetic even though they may not have eaten as much sugar as their brother.

So I agree that her answer, even at only 45 days clean, is spot on. She's not blaming outside circumstances.

It's good that you are bringing your questions here. Are you going to Alanon/Naranon?. If so, good. If not, those tables are also a good place to bring your concerns, questions, worries, etc., so your wife can concentrate more on her own recovery knowing that you are in good hands (here and at the tables) as you struggle with your own questions, confusion, etc.

kmangel

My son has been out of rehab since early July and his counselor is working with him to uncover what motivated him to use drugs. My son has felt social anxiety for many years. Maybe that is a contributing factor. It would annoy me when he would tell me to lower my voice when out in public--that people were watching us. Now I realize it was his anxiety talking because when I would look around, nobody was looking at us. Just a couple weeks ago he told me to lower my voice again while we were in a restaurant and I looked all around me and at the table right next to me. Most of the tables were empty and the one next to me was paying absolutely no attention to us.

The bottom line is for him to learn healthy coping mechanisms for his anxiety so that he doesn't feel the need to medicate himself in order to face whatever fears he has. In time your wife may uncover what motivated her to use drugs, too. Maybe it's something like what my son has and she will need to continue with therapy after rehab to learn healthy coping mechanisms, too.

Kindeyes

Why.

I use to always want to know why for everything. I thought that if I knew "why" then that would be the key to resolving any problem.....but it isn't. "Why" sometimes just gives us information that we can't really do anything with or we use it as a crutch to make excuses for our own behavior.

Freedom said it very well. Why isn't nearly as important as what am I going to do about it.

gentle hugs
ke

Freedom1990

It's been my personal experience with recovering addicts that social anxiety was definitely a factor, myself included. It was painful to have such anxiety when I observed others who were adept socially.

I still had terrible anxiety after I got clean/sober, but the longer I was in recovery and working the steps, the better the anxiety got.

iliveforyou

I am a recovering drug addict (first) and alcoholic. It could be anything or nothing at all. For me, I sought escapism. I hated myself. I wanted to get away from myself at any cost. Why? Because of extensive childhood abuse and the aftermath inside my mind.But I also had an addictive personality as a child - self mutilation and eating disorders that could have played a part as well.

Maybe she's not ready to answer that question, might be too much or maybe it was the honest truth. Sooo hard to tell as confusing as that answer might have been to you. If she has more to open up about, I'm sure she'll do it when the time is right.

-Jess

BeingStill

Exactly. The "why" is not for us to understand, but rather for them to come to understand. Anxieties, depression, fears, terrible childhoods... none of these things cause addiction. None of these things are excuses for addiction. The problem occurs in how the addict handles these situations. Continued after-care and recovery work are essential for learning new life skills.

NoelleR

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She was absolutely and positively correct; not just a 'newby' 'only a 45 day newly sober person' answer, but it's 'THE' answer.

The 'root cause' the 'reason' the 'why' ----- AA's BB, in The Doctor's Opinion, says it perfectly (and this would go for drugs (addicts) too).....

Men and women drink/use essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol/drugs.


(o:
NoelleR